TL;DR: Got close with my uni friend Emma when she had no one else to hang out with. During summer she barely saw me, made backhanded comments about me not going out, never invited me to anything, and even went out in my town multiple times without mentioning it. Meanwhile, her friends invited me out once – when she wasn’t there. Now I feel like she’s avoiding me and maybe even gatekeeping her friend group. Not sure if I’m overthinking. Im also switching unis – next year we aren’t gonna be at the same one, but we still live close.
Also pls don’t tell me that I should confront her about it because there’s no way in hell am I doing that… Imo that’s just desperate, because you wouldn’t have to confront a real friend like that.
So, I’m really confused about the way my friend Emma is acting.
For context: Emma has this friend group of about 6 people from her hometown. I only know 3 of them (known them before I met her), but we get along well. I met Emma about a year before uni, but we only really became close friends in uni. During that time she didn’t really have other uni friends, so I’d always invite her out with me. I didn’t mind — I actually felt bad that she had no one to go with since her old friends were in a different city. We became super close and went out all the time during the school year.
Then summer came around… and suddenly it was like I didn’t exist. I saw her maybe three times the entire summer. One of those times she literally said “well no one else wanted to go out” which made me feel like the last option instead of a friend she wanted to see. I brushed it off, but it stung.
On top of that, she started making weird comments all summer like:
1. “It’s not good that you just lock yourself in your room, you should go out more.”
2. “I’m always doing stuff while you’re just at home.” And kept sending me videos of the ‘fun’ things she was doing with others.
Like… girl, what?? I can go out if I want to, I have other friends too. It felt so backhanded, almost like she was rubbing it in my face that she’s “busier” or “more social” than me.
What really hit me though was that she never once invited me out. Not once. She literally drove to my town to go out with people and didn’t even mention it to me. And here’s the thing: I actually get along really well with her friends (the ones from her hometown). They keep saying how fun I am to hang out with. Last week they invited me out — but Emma wasn’t with them. So the only time I actually got included was when she wasn’t there.
Now I’m just left wondering… is she avoiding me? Did I do something? Or is this just her pulling back because she has other friends now? I know I could initiate plans too, but I get the strong impression she doesn’t want to make plans with me. And it’s not like she’s “bad at initiating” — I see her doing it with others all the time.
I feel like she used to lean on me when she didn’t have anyone else, but now that she’s surrounded by her hometown group again, I’ve been pushed to the side. And honestly, it feels like she’s low-key competing with me or gatekeeping her other friends. And her friends probably don’t even think of inviting me if she’s there as they assume that she already did.
So what’s going on here? Am I just overthinking, or is this as weird as it feels?
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How is talking to your friend about what you’re feeling ‘desperate’? You dont have to confront her, you can just talk to her, like friends do?
Some people are like this- they put down the people who were kind to them in order to make themselves feel better, often with their own narrative of what happened. Just let it go and branch out; this is someone who has communicated that they aren’t invested in your friendship and they don’t respect you. Friends come and go throughout life- let them.