I [F26] have been together with my boyfriend [M30] for a little over 1 year. I love him so much and I see a future with him.
A colleague and friend of mine [F31] of mine is getting married this weekend. It’s a very small civil ceremony, just family (parents and siblings) and one friend each. There will be about 20 people in total. She invited me [F26] as her one friend. I was genuinely touched and happy to be included.
She didn’t include my boyfriend [M30] in the invitation I recieved 6 months ago. We’ve been together for a half a year by then. I didn’t say anything to her because I knew it was a very limited guest list and I felt it wasn’t my place to ask for a plus one. I assumed it was a practical decision and didn’t want to complicate things.
Later, her brother and his girlfriend (they’ve been together for about 7 months, To me that made sense — he’s family, so maybe he has more flexibility) asked me why my boyfriend wasn’t coming. I told them honestly that I understood the limitations and that, while I wouldn’t have excluded him if I were the bride, I didn’t feel comfortable confronting her about it or causing her stress before her wedding.
But this conversation stuck with me. It came up in a conversation I had with my boyfriend. He felt really hurt. We ended up having some sort of argument and lots of emotions came out. He told me he often feels like he comes last, like I always have time and energy for others but not for him. He mentioned how I never invited him to meet certain friends, how I see him only when I have time left over. He said if he were in my position, he would have told the bride he’s bringing his girlfriend, and wouldn’t go if she wasn’t welcome. He said it’s not even about this specific wedding anymore, it’s the principle, and I completely agree… I opened up to him that I struggled with this for a while when I first got the invite, but I didn’t bring it up to her because it’s not my place to do it..
My boyfriend has also felt from the start that my colleague doesn’t really accept him. During their first meeting (we’ve been together for 4 months by then), she made a weird comment like “Well, I don’t know if we’ll see you again,” which really rubbed him the wrong way, even though I didn’t hear it myself at the time.
Honestly, I feel terrible. I can see his point. I didn’t stand up for him. I was trying to be polite and avoid conflict, but maybe that came at the cost of making him feel invisible and unimportant. The truth is, I’m socially awkward and not used to standing my ground in these situations. Deep down, maybe I was relieved not to have to push for him, and that realization makes me feel ashamed. I don’t want him to feel unloved or excluded. I want to be a good partner.
And now I feel stuck. The wedding is this weekend. I am definitely NOT bringing this up and put pressure on my colleague or make it look like I’m demanding something at the last minute (that would be more insulting to my boyfriend and me). And I am definitely going to the wedding eitehr way. But I also don’t want to hurt my boyfriend even more by ignoring how he feels.
To add another layer, we’re in the middle of trying to cohabitate together. I’ve never lived with a partner before, and I realize I’m still learning how to act like part of a team instead of just thinking like I’m on my own. But I love this man deeply. I wouldn’t change him for the world. The thought of us not working out hasn’t even crossed my mind. I just want to make things right and grow from this.
I obviously know that this argument was not about the wedding, it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I realized that I don’t know how to be in a partnership, and since I was in a controlling/toxic relationship in the past, I still haven’t figured out the right balance of independance and joint decision making. I am afraid that I will lose my autonomy and have to get his approval to do thing (like in my past relationship..) so I just plan things and inform him later, I realized that I never asked what he wants to do and don’t plan things for us … I obviously want to change and grow from this.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Just a quick note: I’m not upset about the lack of plus-one itself, as I stated in the post I completely respected my friend’s limited guest list. This post is really about how that situation made me realize a deeper issue in my relationship, where my partner doesn’t feel like a priority and I’ve acted more independently than I should have. I’m asking for advice on how to repair the emotional damage and be a better partner moving forward, not whether my friend was right or wrong.
TL;DR: My friend invited me to her very small wedding (20 people total, just family and one friend each). My boyfriend wasn’t invited, and I didn’t ask for a plus-one because I respected the limited guest list. Later, her brother and his girlfriend asked why my boyfriend wasn’t coming, which brought up a lot of feelings. My boyfriend told me he feels like I don’t prioritize him or include him in my social life, and this situation became the tipping point. We’re in the middle of moving in together, and I’m realizing I struggle to act like part of a team due to past relationship trauma. I love him deeply and want to grow, but I feel lost on how to fix this going forward
Comments
Okay these are two separate issues:
Asking for a plus one for a boyfriend of six months, who she has barley met in a 20 person wedding is insane. I judge him for saying he wouldn’t go without you if roles were reversed.
You not involving him in your life with your friends and him feeling last is a separate issue. Is it true?
Maybe see a counselor to heal from your relationship trauma before you commit again. People are prone to stepping in to another toxic relationship after one. There is no way to tell if this is a you problem or if you are in fact being controlled. Get help from a professional to sort this and get relationship healthy.
I know it’s not about the invite but your boyfriend is so wrong in that situation. That has nothing to do with prioritising him.
I think you were right not to question or ask for a plus one to a 20 person wedding for someone you’d only been with for 6 months at the time you received the invitation. Him not being understanding of that is a bit of a red flag to me.
I’ve had a similar(ish) experience that when I look back really highlights something to me that I didn’t see at the time. One of my friends invited me to their wedding with no plus one, even though I’d been with my boyfriend off and on for a few years at the time. We were very much on and it hurt me that she didn’t invite him but I had to travel for the wedding and I didn’t want to make a fuss. Looking back, she obviously saw what I didn’t – that the relationship wasn’t going to work out long term.
A few years ago another friend of mine got married and I was a bridesmaid. Again, relatively small wedding. I’d just started seeing my now husband (about 6 months in at the time of the conversation) and she’d probably met him twice at most. She asked me if I wanted to invite him to her wedding and I said yes because at that point I saw a future and knew he was different. Long story slightly less long, she saw how different this relationship was to my past and she was right, we’re happily married now. Her wedding actually sparked the decision to have a proper wedding and not elope!
I’m not saying your friend is trying to tell you something but just look at your partner’s reaction to something that isn’t in your control and at a point where you weren’t really established. I know that part kind of contradicts my last paragraph but I was completely surprised by my friend extending the invitation to my now husband and so was he. He was happy to be included but also understood if that wasn’t going to be the case.
Your boyfriend definitely sounds like he could have controlling tendencies by claiming he doesn’t feel you prioritise him. In the first year you should both still be in the honeymoon phase. The fact that he’s finding fault this early is a major red flag. These things tend only to ever escalate.
Let him go. Seek therapy to address issues from your previous relationship. Then you’ll be perfectly positioned when you meet someone else.
If you stay with him, you’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of controlling behaviour, maybe worse! 😔