I (19M) lost my mom when I was six and my dad (53M) remarried after fourteen months. I didn’t have an easy time with that. My dad expected me to be okay with everything and when they got married he assumed I loved his wife and wanted to call her mom. He even bought me a gift to give her during the wedding and because I saw it beforehand I refused to give it to her. After the wedding was over and done with he asked me why I had turned the gesture into such a big deal. I tried telling him that I didn’t want to give her something that made her my new mom but he talked over me and left deciding that I just had a slip up.
His wife tried to be a mother to me and I wouldn’t accept her. She knew it and tried to talk me around several times. She offered to adopt me if it made me feel more secure in her love. I told her I didn’t want her I wanted my mom. I hurt her feelings a bunch for the first six years of their marriage. She had so much hope in those years that she just needed to prove to me that she was going to be a good mom and I’d welcome it. But nobody listened when I said I didn’t want a new mom.
Then when I was ten they decided I needed therapy to help me grieve mom and come to the conclusion that it was okay to have another mom and it would be a good thing. Only therapy didn’t convince me of that. If anything it was where I found a way to better vocalize how I felt exactly. I told them I would never accept her as my mom and that if they couldn’t accept that then I’d never call her my stepmom either.
We tried family therapy for several years. They tried to use my half siblings as a bridge between us but they weren’t and it was too big of a task to put on their shoulders. It was actually the birth of two out of four of my half siblings when I hurt my dad’s wife the most. She told me she had them for me so I wouldn’t grow up alone or grow old alone and I told her I didn’t like her gift both times she said it. The second time I told her I never asked for that gift.
My dad grew increasingly more frustrated with my unwillingness to accept her as mom and I grew more resentful of their efforts to. A couple of years before dad said he was done with me he asked me in a session if I loved my family and I told him I loved him, always. That was all I could say. The therapist had me leave and spoke to them right then but that stayed in dad’s mind for two years. When he asked me again and my answer hadn’t changed much he told me he wanted nothing more to do with me if I wouldn’t accept his wife. I told him I accepted her as his wife. He said it wasn’t enough. So I moved in with my grandma. We didn’t speak for almost two years and then a couple of weeks ago he showed up at grandma’s house telling me he missed me and he wanted to fix things between us.
I asked how we could do that and had he accepted that his wife wasn’t my mom. He told me that wasn’t something he could tolerate. That he had hoped I had grown up enough in the two years to realize she was around longer than mom and that she loved me. He said we just needed to be the family we were always supposed to be. I told him my feelings on her hadn’t changed. And he acted unsure but said he still wanted a relationship. But that confuses me because he still can’t tolerate it so now I’m not sure what to do here. And it’s why I came looking for relationship advice.
Comments
He played chicken hoping you’d cave. Hold your boundaries.
I’m sorry you lost your mom at 6, it must have been awful. You mention that you hurt your stepmom feeling, did you do it on purpose? You also said that she genuine thought that she could assure you of her love by adopting g you. Has she ever been a mean/evil stepmom to you?
I’m sorry your father has failed you and your father’s wife has tried to force herself into your life. It seems like he is refusing to reflect on his actions or take responsibility. You’re the child, even if you’re now 19, and you do not need to fix it.
If you want a relationship with him, maybe go back to counselling together to figure out the boundaries of that relationship. But if you don’t, don’t feel obligated just because he’s come back around.
What is it that holds you back from letting his wife into your heart? Is she a bad person? Is she mean to you?
She’s obviously not your birth mother, but based on your post it sounds like she’s genuinely trying to fill a role for you. So what is getting in the way?
I’m not sure how you can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t accept your boundaries. Even if it is your father.
I’m sorry your father and his wife let you down so badly. You deserved better. This whole situation is entirely their fault for refusing to respect your extremely reasonable feelings.
Would you be okay with seeing your father if he kept his wife and other children out of it entirely, and never suggested that you see them or spend time with them? If the answer is yes, then you could suggest that to him. Or if there are other conditions that would make you feel okay about spending time with him, you can tell him that. But you don’t owe it to him to agree to anything you don’t want to do.
Also: consider sending him this post. Let him see all the comments about how much he sucks for what he’s done.
Updateme
Your father waited four years too long and until he had ulterior motives to get you into therapy, sadly. Unfortunately it’s in the nature of some adults to assume that children are so highly adaptable they’ll just adjust to whatever their parents are doing. But while it’s possible to find romantic love again after loss, no one can ever replace your mother. This just never should have become the battle it did and it’s especially tragic because just when you and your father should have to cleaving together to support each other he sought emotional support in someone else and just expected you to fall in line. Hopefully you’re grateful for Grandma and you’re able to live a good life there. In terms of your father, maybe tell him that factually his wife isn’t your “mother”, but factually she is your “stepmother” whether you like that or not. Either way, remind him that you’re an adult now and that as you get older you hope to have a reasonably loving relationship with him and at least a civil relationship with his wife. This just never had to come to this point and tbh if your father had done some grief counseling in the immediate aftermath of your mother’s death he probably wouldn’t have been so adamant about denying his emotions and pouring all his energy into trying to reconstruct the family with his new wife as the understudy for the role of Mom. Mistakes were made but you’re not tainted for life and with time you’ll gain independence and hopefully be able to have some kind of friendship with your dad and stepmom. Just knowing you’ll never need them again makes it easier to want that connection.
Sorry to say but your dad doesn’t care about his kids more than he cares about pussy. Fuck that and fuck him. Don’t give in
It’s clear as day your dad wants you to play happy family, but here’s my advice: don’t budge on your feelings. If he’s not willing to accept that stepmoms aren’t moms and boundaries exist, is a relationship with him really what you want right now?
Very sorry, OP, but…your dad’s wife was a grown woman and you were a child. Are you sure you hurt her feelings? Because if I came into the situation you describe, I’d expect a bumpy road and keep my feelings separate from the needs of a small child. And your dad just tried to ram things through? I give him sideeye. Nor I nor any mature adult I know currently would marry quickly after the death of a child’s mother, then demand that child fall in line…? My dad remarried after my mom died, and all of us kids were full-grown. We mourned our mom, still do, and had a hard time accepting her but nobody was pressuring us to say she’s our mom. And after a couple of years, we started to come around. Your dad just sounds very self-centered and immature to me by insisting you do what he wants for his own emotional comfort. And that being said, your mom is gone and this woman stepped up. Can you find it within yourself to accept her and sidestep your dad entirely?
What do they specifically want from you besides reasonable respect, which you seem to be willing to give? Just to call her mom? I don’t understand the dynamic that will make them happy?
This is wild. How can he not talk to his own child for two years? What happened or is about to happen that made him miss you?
The short amount of time in which your dad got remarried after your mom died is super sus
Updateme
Did and do you really expect your father to live his life for you and not have any personal happiness? I remarried and my children’s stepfather has been the constant paternal presence in their lives. My feeling. It’s tube you grew up.
I’m unclear here, if you accept and love her as a step mum is that ok for you, is that OK for your dad and wife? She isn’t your mum, but has been in your life for over ten years, do you consider her as family and have any love for her.
Trying to force you to identify her as your mum is just plain wrong if that is what your dad is caught up on. But wanting for you to be part of the family and wanting you to accept her as part of the family after ten plus years of being together sounds reasonable.
It sounds like your dad and wife have a lot of love to give you. And it is completely your right to accept or not accept it. But that love they have for you is a dream for people like me that grew up in broken and cold homes where we spent a lifetime trying to get any parent to show us the tiniest peices of love.
You don’t owe him anything. He put his wants over your needs. You were his child and you needed him and instead of being there for you he created an environment when he didn’t want to consider what you needed.
What do YOU want? We know what your father wants and you don’t want that. But what do you want?
What do you think is reasonable to want?
The dispute between you seems to largely hang on viewing his current wife as step-mum or mum? But you’re now 19, an adult. Is it something that should ordinarily be behind you both? You can accpet that she is his wife now but why does he still insist that you view her as mom? It’s a bit silly to continue to pursue it when she never gave birth to you and largely she has not been involved in your upbringing. But can you accept her as family? Without putting a label on it and him insisting on it?
I can see where you’re coming from in historical terms but to be continuing to persist with this Mexican stand-off between two adults? I would stress I would be saying basically the same thing to him.
Do you think you can even negotiate a compromise, a diplomatic solution that neither of you may be entirely satisfied with but can live with?
You both seem very headstrong. Are you your father’s son?
It’s super weird thst she wanted to replace yout mom and insisted on it to the point you lost yout dad too
And your dad is awful for allowing her delusions and encouraging them.
They were so set on her being mom that they left no room for a natural comfortable relationship to develop. You could have developed a close loving relationship with her over time, a bonus mom separate from your mom, but they went out of their way to try and “fix” you and force it. I can’t imagine that none of the counselors didn’t mention the short time between the loss and your dad’s new marriage and how that had to feel for you. It was like they wanted to replace and erase your mom. Of course you fought that.
I had a step dad who was in my life at a very young age. I called him by his nickname and I loved him as well as loving my dad. He was a parent to me and we had a close relationship. There was never any need for pushing specifically calling him dad.
If your dad still can’t accept you not calling her mom how can anything get fixed. Love can’t be forced.
Your father was sure you would run after him and give in, but you didn’t, so in my opinion he went after you and will try everything again like he told me, this will be an eternal game, and in my opinion no one will give in, keep your distance to keep your peace.
This is low key tragic. Your step mom literally just had to not try to replace your mom and respect her memory. Step parents have their own special role. They aren’t your new mom or dad but their own insecurities and misconceptions about family and parenting roles can come in when they marry someone with a kid and then this kind of stuff happens. Your dad tho… wow he sucks. He basically abandoned you bc you wouldn’t feel the way he wanted you to. This is not a reflection on you OP.
Everytime I see a post like this it makes me so angry for the child(ren) involved. To your father, he lost a wife. While sad, spouses can be replaced.
YOU lost a PARENT. The difference is enormous.
Yes, blended families can and do work. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful step dad and step mom. However neither of them forced themselves on me. They let the relationship develop naturally.
First your father tried to replace your mother. I’m doing so, he was telling his own child that his mother wasn’t important and replaceable. Which is vile.
And your stepmother just wouldn’t back off and let things develop naturally.
Have you ever asked her how she’d feel if she passed and you father did to her children what they tried doing to you? I’m curious what she’d say.
And I wonder what your father would say if his dad tried to erase his mother from his life.
Unfortunately, the odds of these two people actually contemplating these questions are low so you’re likely to get the answers they want you to follow, i.e. “I’d embrace my new parent with open arms.” Which we all know is bullshit.
OP, stick to your boundaries. Remind your father that it was his duty to see to YOUR needs over his own. He never should have remarried until you were older and had been in therapy to deal with the loss of your mom. I’m so sorry he failed you. I’m glad you’ve got other family you can rely on.
He will throw you away again. He thinks with time you will,have maturity to fall into line of his expectations. Sorry to say that he has failed as a father.