Hi Two Hot Takes Fam, I’m a long time listener first time writing in. I just found out from my mom 56f that my dad 61m accused her of cheating with my husband 36m.
I want to preface this with, I know for a fact there is nothing going on between my mom and husband. I trust my husband and I know my mom would never do anything like this to me. My mom is super protective of my brother and I, so she would never do anything to hurt us, especially since my last marriage ended because of infidelity. She was also there for me through the stressful high conflict divorce and coparenting situations.
Now this kind of behavior is not new from my dad. As long as I can remember he has been insecure, jealous, and accusatory towards my mom. Constantly accusing her of cheating with her coworkers (both male and female), family friends, and her friends. He had apparently gotten this “hunch” during Christmas and convinced himself it was true and made the vibe at my house so uncomfortable. Everyone knew he was mad but nobody knew why. The whole reason any of this happened was because on Christmas Eve my husband had gone into the room my parents were sleeping in to ask my mom if she knew where I had put the Christmas gifts for our kids since he was going to put them out. It must be noted, our sleeping arrangements have changed since having a baby and we don’t have enough room in our bedroom to sleep together plus our daughter who co-sleeps. My husband didn’t come into our room where my daughter and I sleep because I was struggling put our then 1 year old down. I guess that was in his words “shady”. Then the next night our son was coughing so my husband went to grab some socks for him from his room (where my parents were staying) to put Vicks on his feet. And that apparently was the last straw and convinced him it was true. The whole thing is dumb and honestly ridiculous but this time it’s different, now he’s accusing my husband. This whole situation has me feeling uncomfortable and sad that now he will always think of both my mom and my husband that way.
I really don’t know how to handle this situation as it now involves my family. I’m not sure if I should even tell my husband because I know that’ll make him uncomfortable around my dad and apprehensive about being friendly with my mom. Any advice how to handle this?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hi Two Hot Takes Fam, I’m a long time listener first time writing in. I just found out from my mom 56f that my dad 61m accused her of cheating with my husband 36m.
I want to preface this with, I know for a fact there is nothing going on between my mom and husband. I trust my husband and I know my mom would never do anything like this to me. My mom is super protective of my brother and I, so she would never do anything to hurt us, especially since my last marriage ended because of infidelity. She was also there for me through the stressful high conflict divorce and coparenting situations.
Now this kind of behavior is not new from my dad. As long as I can remember he has been insecure, jealous, and accusatory towards my mom. Constantly accusing her of cheating with her coworkers (both male and female), family friends, and her friends. He had apparently gotten this “hunch” during Christmas and convinced himself it was true and made the vibe at my house so uncomfortable. Everyone knew he was mad but nobody knew why. The whole reason any of this happened was because on Christmas Eve my husband had gone into the room my parents were sleeping in to ask my mom if she knew where I had put the Christmas gifts for our kids since he was going to put them out. It must be noted, our sleeping arrangements have changed since having a baby and we don’t have enough room in our bedroom to sleep together plus our daughter who co-sleeps. My husband didn’t come into our room where my daughter and I sleep because I was struggling put our then 1 year old down. I guess that was in his words “shady”. Then the next night our son was coughing so my husband went to grab some socks for him from his room (where my parents were staying) to put Vicks on his feet. And that apparently was the last straw and convinced him it was true. The whole thing is dumb and honestly ridiculous but this time it’s different, now he’s accusing my husband. This whole situation has me feeling uncomfortable and sad that now he will always think of both my mom and my husband that way.
I really don’t know how to handle this situation as it now involves my family. I’m not sure if I should even tell my husband because I know that’ll make him uncomfortable around my dad and apprehensive about being friendly with my mom. Any advice how to handle this?
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Daddy is cheating. My das made up those crazy stories about my mom cheating. After his death it turns out that he was a cheating bastard.
This or your father should get checked.
Until your dad pulls his head out of his ass you should go low to no contact with him. Tell him you’re no longer pandering to his delusions and to get help for his issues. Until he comes to his senses, he’s on a time out.
Why is your mother staying with this abusive man? Time to have a real talk with her.
As for your husband, tell him your dad is on a time out because of his irrational behaviour.
Family meeting. Drag his accusations out to see the light of day so you can all refute them. And then have him get checked out
I’m not sure if I should even tell my husband because I know that’ll make him uncomfortable around my dad
YES, you should tell your husband. He SHOULD be uncomfortable around your dad!! Everyone should be uncomfortable around your shit-for-brains father. If you are not telling him because you don’t want to deal with the ensuing drama, that is a shitty thing to do.
The way to handle this is to go NC with your father until he gets his stupid ass to therapy and gives a big, fat apology to your mom.
You seem to think all this is quite normal, OP. I assure you it is not. In most families it would be grounds for divorce.
There is no point in telling your husband. However, I guarantee that your dad is cheating on your mom. He keeps guilting her because he knows what he is doing behind her back.
Your mom must be a saint or severly abused to put up with a husband that’s blatantly paranoid and insecure to constantly be accusing her. He basically hates your mom.
I bet a $100 he’s cheating on her. He probably has an entire second family.
Go No contact and DEFINITELY tell your husband.
tell your husband, absolutely do not leave the person you share your life with in the dark
The next time you see your Dad, without breaking eye contact ask him how long he has been cheating on your mom. Keep eye contact. Don’t back pedal, don’t back down. Let him sputter and act stupid. If he doesn’t confess, then ask him “see how stupid that statement was? That’s how your stupid, unfounded accusations against my husband felt to me. When you apologize, then we can try to have a relationship, but not until that happens.”
You need to tell your husband first his safety. Your dad could flip and attack him.
Why does your mom put up with him?
Stop with the co-sleeping nonsense. Do you really think it’s fair or good for your marriage to have kicked your husband out of his own bedroom? What a shitty partner you are.
Your dad could be projecting, and cheating himself. It’s about time you went off on him, and tell him to stop with this ridiculous lies and trying to destroy 2 marriages. Confront him in front of the whole family, he needs that humiliation, and do not forget to mention that you think he is projecting and that you will be looking into his own activities because you have had enough of his bullshit.
Projection from guilt or something impacting his perception of reality.
Your father may be experiencing a cognitive decline or a mental health crisis. Even something as basic as a UTI can bring on paranoia, hallucinations and confusion along with symptoms that look like aggression or dementia if left untreated.
First I would bring up the wild accusations to your husband. Next I would address with your mother and out of concern for everyone’s health and safety.
FFS. There is nothing YOU can do. She needs to divorce his sorry ass and have a good rest of her life.
I obviously Reddit too much because I’m like “yeah, but what if they ARE having an affair…?”
>I’m not sure if I should even tell my husband because I know that’ll make him uncomfortable around my dad and apprehensive about being friendly with my mom
Nah you should tell him. One innocent comment or a well meaning joke will bring the issue to light very suddenly and explosively. Probably for the best they don’t interact until until the whole thing is sorted out, but you gotta tell him why
Dementia could cause this behavior. Happened to my father with my mother. Just a theory.
Hire a PI to follow dear old dad. He can get proof of his infidelity because PROJECTION MUCH?!?
Then maybe your mom will leave him.
Hire a PI to tail your dad and get all the cheating details. Then when you get the evidence, state you wanted to make sure your husband wasn’t cheating and surprise surprise! It’s your dad!! Then go no contact
It sounds like he’s projecting. Oldest trick in a cheaters handbook.
Tell your husband. Confront your dad, go low contact with him. Support your mom till she is ready to go
You mentioned a brother. Does he have an SO? Is that who Dad is cheating with?
This type of paranoia happens with people who have dementia. Has your Dad been tested at the doctor? He’s the right age for early onset altzheimers.
It’s either mental illness, your father is a narcissist or he’s cheating. You cut your dad out. He is no longer welcome in your home. He gets help or it’s the end of your relationship with him.
UpdateMe
I dealt with this for years and still kinda do. My father always projected his cheating ways to my mother. She wasn’t able to even be near a man or my dad would immediately start his shit. I saw him cheat time and time again all while blaming my mother. He’s projecting his feelings and actions towards your mom because he wants people not to trust/be suspicious of her. My father sat me down once and told me to tell him if we were ever around any other men, to remember what they looked and where we were.
So….
The person who performs an action gets to own intent. No one can tell them what they MEANT to do.
But the person who commits the act does NOT get to dictate the effects of that action. If someone gets hurt, the person who hurt them should be called out for saying “But I didn’t MEAN that, so you don’t get to be upset!!”
You get to own the effect your father’s accusations have had on you and your family. Protect that right and act accordingly.
OP
Your dad might have some mental health issues because by making this accusation he has destroyed his relationship with his spouse, child and son-in-law all at once (should your husband find out somehow). I’m not sure how any normal person does something like this.
dad needs mental help
Your dad is definitely the cheater, im so sorry to tell you.
Is your dad showing any other signs and symptoms of dementia?