My dad used to “play games” with me that made me cry. Among other things, he made threats about destroying my toys, & sometimes followed through (this is the only “game” that’s relevant to this story). But he did it for the same reason my brother teased me- he wanted to see me cry.
My mom used to tell me that about my brother all the time. “He just wants to get a rise out of you. So don’t let him.”
Okaaaaayyyyyyy… or, and I’m just spitballing here, or you could parent the older child, & teach him to behave. Crazy concept, I know- but what do you say we give it a shot, anyway? Just for laughs!
Anyway, I remember being at my grandparents house when I was 5, & running to my mom in tears because my dad was threatening to throw my favorite stuffie into a yard with dogs in it, so they could have it as a chew toy. I couldn’t get it back from him, so I went to my mom for help. And she told me “Just take it with a grain of salt.”
I. Was. FIVE.
Having no idea what that meant, I asked her. And she sighed so heavily, like she was irritated she had to explain this to her 5 year old. Yet it was less troublesome for her to explain it to me 4 more times, than it was to just get her husband to quit being a dick to the kids.
That was when it started. When she learned that I could become an adult faster than my father, it became my responsibility to out-mature my dad, to be un-ruffle-able. I was always the kid who was way too mature for my age. The one adults wanted to put in charge, because I was so well behaved.
At a certain point, I wasn’t just out-maturing my dad, I was letting things go for the sake of “peace” (something I still wasn’t familiar with, in spite of my efforts), and it was my responsibility to help my mom navigate my dad’s moods. But being older, & assistant navigator, was still less stressful than when I was small, & was used when my dad was angry. My mom would be too anxious to even ask him what he wanted for dinner, or as a side with his dinner, so she’d send me. It was always a whispered conversation, telling me to ask him a specific question, & to not forget the answer, because he won’t want to be asked twice. It was so much pressure, & it stressed me out so bad. And if she had asked him once, & forgot… it didn’t matter who asked him, he was gonna be pissed. I also KNEW why she didn’t want to ask him herself. She was afraid of him. I felt like a lamb being sent to slaughter, every time my mom made me ask my dad something she was too afraid to ask him herself.
I asked her, when I was maybe 20, if she remembered that conversation, about telling me to “take it with a grain of salt” when I was 5. She said she didn’t, but she was surprised she used that phase with me at that age, & more surprised that we both had the patience for her to explain it to me 5 times. But she wasn’t surprised that I finally understood it, & immediately started acting more adult than her husband, who would’ve been 37 at the time. That part was what she remembered- me being a tiny, reliable grown up. She just didn’t remember what happened that made me start acting like an adult, well before I hit puberty.
Every time I remember this, I get irritated at both of them, because it just shouldn’t’ve been happening. If my brother was the only one acting like that, at least he had the excuse of being SEVEN! What was my father’s excuse, at 37??
I’ve got another post coming soon, I talked about one of my dad’s “games” here (quotes because games are supposed to be fun, & his his games were traumatizing), but I’m gonna get into detail about the one he wanted to play with us almost every single day. All these “games” unlocked new fears for me. He was the only one that ever had fun.
Comments
it’s honestly heartbreaking how much you had to carry as a kid just to survive in your own house. you deserved to be protected, not made into some emotional shield between your parents. it’s not your fault they failed you, and it’s honestly amazing you can even talk about it so clearly now.
Go no contact with all of them. And find a really good therapist.
I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It’s unfair that you were put in such a grown-up role as a child because of your dad’s behavior and your mom’s response. Kids shouldn’t have to manage their parents’ emotional needs, and it sounds like that burden really affected you. I hope you’re able to find healing and peace from these experiences.
I’m sorry to hear that. You were stolen of a proper childhood. It’s sad lesson to see that some people will never grow up, even parents. I hope you’re more fair to yourself as you’ve aged. Take it easy.
Can I ask how you define the saying “take with a grain of salt?” Cause if I heard that at 5 I would’ve just lost all respect for my dad, for many reasons I don’t have respect for mine but that’s would’ve been a big one.
INFO : Is your father still alive now? If so, have you gone no contact with him?
Is your poor Mom still with him?
Your father abused you, your sibling(s), and your mother, and got sadistic pleasure from it.
🤮🤮🤮😡😡😡
This reminds me so much of my parent! They used to routinely belittle and make fun of me and my sibling (his argument was that you can say anything to family), but rather than expecting him to grow tf up, my other parent just avoided and enabled. She would say he ‘means well’— and my sibling would pick up the same tendency provoking and belittling me just for funsies until they moved out.
I live 4000 miles away now.
hugs
That’s terrible your mom did not defend you. Please tell me you have nothing to do with him.
Your dad is an abuser and your mom enabled him. She knew that if he made you and your sibling cry, your mom wouldn’t take the blunt of his abuse. She let you all get abused so she didn’t have to.
I’m sorry you went through this OP. You deserved better and you might want to consider going low or no contact with both of them.
Updateme
I’m sorry you went through that, but I appreciate your posting about it because something just went click in my brain. I hope things got better for you as an adult.
My bio mom was also like this. We’ve went VVLC, meaning I send her 3 cards a year with a small amount of money and that assuages my guilt at not being a good daughter, while knowing full well she doesn’t deserve even a tiny bit of my respect, love or care.
I am 100% that person that cuts off people for two strikes. That’s all you get. It’s healthiest for me.
I see in the comments you rely on them for a lot. I’m sorry to hear that. Do your best to keep your distance emotionally if you can’t physically or financially separate. Don’t give them private info, cut them off in other ways.
Good luck. I’m sorry you’re suffering under her care.
My dad was like this, too. It was different in my case because he at least waited until I was like 13. He used to purposefully say things that he knew would anger me until I was ranting. It made him so happy to make other people angry.
I don’t talk to him anymore, not just for that but that would enough of a reason to.
I’m not sure if you’ve been in therapy or have gone NC with your dad but it’s totally worth it tbh.
I feel for that little kid, shouldering so much, doing your best to be good and keep the peace in your family. You should not have had to do that. I hope you can find the help you need to heal from the armor you built to protect yourself at such a tender age.
I have a 3 year old, and while I know the cognitive differences between a 3 yr old & a 5 yr old are huge, I would NEVER EVERRRRRRRR tell my daughter “take it with a grain of salt” when someone is being a fkin dbag to her.
I’m sorry your mom didn’t protect you as she should’ve. You should’ve never been thrust into an adult’s position at such a young age. 🙁
Sending you hugs 😞🩷
My family did the same things to me. I finally went very low contact and I’m so much happier.
The last time my dad visited me, I realized that I did not like him very much. I didn’t like his personality or the way he treated me. I was so happy to cut ties
Both your parents sucked. I’m sorry
I grew up in a household like that too, always told to be the bigger person, that’s just the way your father is and don’t give him the reaction he wants from as old as I can remember.
Why have you not gone no contact? I just dont get it