So I (23f) had my daughter 6 months ago. I got pregnant in college and while it wasn’t planned, my partner and I (now husband) decided to keep her. My dad was pissed. He wanted me to finish school first, thought I’d “thrown my life away,” etc. Whatever.
We haven’t really talked about it since she was born… until dinner at his house last weekend. Things were fine, until my baby started crying. He sighed and goes, “Guess that’s what happens when you keep an accident.”
Y’all.
I stared at him and said, “Actually, accidents don’t smile at you like that. That’s a miracle crying.” Then I packed up her diaper bag, scooped her up, and left. He texted me later saying I was “dramatic” and “disrespectful in his house.”
Hot take? If you can’t respect your granddaughter, you don’t get to host family dinner.
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Backup of the post’s body: So I (23f) had my daughter 6 months ago. I got pregnant in college and while it wasn’t planned, my partner and I (now husband) decided to keep her. My dad was pissed. He wanted me to finish school first, thought I’d “thrown my life away,” etc. Whatever.
We haven’t really talked about it since she was born… until dinner at his house last weekend. Things were fine, until my baby started crying. He sighed and goes, “Guess that’s what happens when you keep an accident.”
Y’all.
I stared at him and said, “Actually, accidents don’t smile at you like that. That’s a miracle crying.” Then I packed up her diaper bag, scooped her up, and left. He texted me later saying I was “dramatic” and “disrespectful in his house.”
Hot take? If you can’t respect your granddaughter, you don’t get to host family dinner.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
So technically, he is correct: she is an accident. However, as you don’t like him calling her that, he needs to drop it and respect your choices.
Edited to add: this is your choice. He doesn’t get to say how your life should turn out. He needs to decide if he wants to be in your life and respect you and your family.
OP,
The further you, your husband and baby distance yourself from your father, the better you will be. Any grandparent who would make such a comment is not worth the time or energy. He’s toxic.
That comment was way out of line, and you handled it with way more grace than I would’ve. Calling your baby an “accident” like that? Nope. You did the right thing walking out. If he can’t respect you or your daughter, he doesn’t get a seat at the table.
I mean the baby is an accident, but apparently a happy one. My sister was also an accident, meaning unplanned. Parents took a lot of precautions and still got surprised.
If you’re getting the feeling he doesn’t like your child that’s one thing, but you two obviously have a lot of underlying resentment that has nothing to do with the actual child.
What a horrible thing to say about a child.
He disrespected you and your child. I would be blocking him for a long time.
Your dad doesn’t have the right to be ticked off because you had a baby.
You can still finish college although it might be more challenging, but dad needs to agree to never again refer to your baby as an accident or you will back away and possibly cut contact for a while.
No child should ever overhear such a thing . It does a number in their self worth, right? Our words have power.
You don’t have to be disrespected and he needs to get over it because she’s here now. That was extremely rude. On the devils advocate side you did have an accidental/unplanned pregnancy. You decided to keep. If we’re being honest and logical most of us are “accidents”. Out of my grandmothers 5 grandkids two were planned. It’s just the way most of us got here. Your dad was rude AF though.
“Well dad, you don’t need to worry about having that accident you referred to, in your life. I won’t be in your life any more either for that matter.
I wouldn’t enter his door again until you get an apology.
Did you finish college? If you didn’t then he’s just transferring his negative feelings about that to your baby which is a shitty thing to do. If a grown man can’t learn to separate his feelings or respect your decision then may go LC for a while
the correct answer to your dad should be “yes, yes you are.” then go low communication with news updates as needed or on day of.
I read the title and I was like “what’s the issue? I know I was one and call myself that all the time”
I read the story and I was like wtf get as far away from him as possible
Tell him,” Actually, dad, you are the one projecting the disrespect, Since you refuse to see our child as our blessing, we will not be visiting until we see you Changing your behavior. Bye bye”
Yeah the fact that he doubled down about his own granddaughter. Get fucked, old man.
You were not disrespectful in his house. You left to avoid disrespect – his. NTA
I would’ve made a snarky “good to know I was an accident you didn’t want” comment.
What a shame on your Father, I am sorry that you couldn’t find the support you need. But you have your husband who seems like a valid guy as you’re married he wanted to keep the baby and make a family with you.
Sometimes you can’t have everything altogether, having an awful father versus having a supportive husband and healthy baby you know.
So please don’t be upset, keep going girl.
Also he is bad! That he is manipulating you by saying you’re being dramatic. He should ashamed of himself
This definitely needs acting on because I read a similar story recently on Reddit where a grandmother made a similar comment IN FRONT OF HER 4 OR 5 YEAR OLD!!! The child asked her mother what the grandmother meant and got upset (understandably)
I would never go back. He showed himself and believe him. Done.
Your dad needs to permanently fuck off. Why bother including him in his grandchild’s life if he doesn’t even respect her existence? Even if he apologized it would be years before I’d consider stepping foot in his house, and he would never again have access to my daughter until she was 18
Can I say I loved your response to him – a miracle, not an accident. As a grandma, give me a child to love – unplanned, adopted, or planned forever – all are miracles and a grandparent’s treasure.
He doesn’t get to disrespect you and your family just because you’re in his house. He chose to be shitty to you, so you left. Actions have consequences. You don’t owe shitty people patience or politeness.
Your child is not an “accident”. Sure, unplanned perhaps, but sounds like she is very much loved and wanted by her mom and dad. That’s not an accident, simply a few years early is all.
😊
And that’s the last time he’d see her too. Idgaf.
Stand firm Momma-you’re right.
My mother had paid the price for disrespecting me around my kids. Can’t respect me in front of them-no way you get to see them. My kids are a LUXURY, not a fucking right to anyone. She went almost 6 months before she apologized and made moves to prove she deserves my children in her life.
Giving me life doesn’t give her a right to anything I made with my body.
“a miracle” is a little dramatic. you had a baby, you didn’t roadmap world peace. be that as it may, ur dad is toxic. also, if he paid for college, i can see him being annoyed that you dropped out and the baby is a reminder why
NTA but I really do hope you’ll have a chance to finish your degree. And congratulations!
Honestly you did mess up your future by not finishing school. Eventually, you will be leaning on your parents for money and childcare because you did not get the degree required to earn a living wage. So I understand your dad’s frustration.
Can’t wait for him to be begging to see the “accident”
I would’ve said “I chose her as a daughter,didn’t have a choice who my father was unfortunately” What a scummy thing to say about a kid
My mom was 19 when she had me. A total accident but I changed her life for the better. Set my dad up for success too having to grow up so young, he built a great career and retired at like 44. I thank my parents jokingly for not aborting me, but also, existential dread!
Plus college and student loans are a scam. Your baby will bring you more joy and less stress than a degree you may never use, and a loan you may never pay off, could ever! (I know, going to college and having a baby don’t need to be mutually exclusive, i just have a strong reaction against college, maybe my late ADHD diagnosis at 28, and Community College academic probation. 😂)
I hate to say, i hope its not offensive, but your dad sounds like he’d have told your mom to end her pregnancy too, and he has some resentment. He is the A H.
The thing most people are capable of making is a miracle? Sounds like you had an oopsie poopsie.
An accident is something that you’d change if you could do it again. A surprise is something you receive that you didn’t know you wanted until it was there.
Your baby was probably the happiest surprise you’ll ever receive. Stay away from your dad. Your child will feel that energy. If he accuses you of disrespecting him in his home again, maybe he needs to be reminded that respect is given when it’s deserved.
That’s the kind of grandfather, if given the chance that will say undermining insidious stuff to your child while your back is turned.
What is it with men of a certain age thinking they can say whatever and you have to tolerate it because they are older or your Dad? It’s not happening. NTA
The way I would have lost my shit.
Well, he’s a no contact granddad and that is no accident.
Your dad is projecting in a massive way. This kind of behavior and attitude should not be near your child, those are words she should never hear.
You are right that your dad’s comment was out of line.
However, you also said that you know your dad was mad about you getting pregnant in college and you two hadn’t spoken about this.
Maybe you guys should talk.
I’m not saying to let him run roughshod over you, I’m saying to let him know how much you love your child. That you understand he loves and wants the best for you.
Maybe you can come up with a plan to complete college part time? Maybe if dad gets to see his grandchild he will also fall in love– that’s very likely if he loves you & it’s your child.
I know it might not work. Sometimes our families fail us, but we should give it a go first… Good luck to all of you.
From a mom of daughters who has kids… And I’ve lost my mom & dad several years ago. I think of things I want to talk to one of them about nearly every day.
You were so mature for not saying his comment really sums up HIS parenting skills lol but yeah, I wouldn’t be seeing him again unless there’s a genuine apology and understanding of his actions
That’s someone the op needs to go LC with
There’s a huge difference between saying something was an accident (didn’t do in purpose) and saying something was a mistake! Did he say accident, or mistake? The world is full of happy accidents that make the world a better place. I feel like you’ve conflated the two, however the way he said it seems like he implied mistake but said accident to cover his tracks.
We have been ignoring our fathers calling us dramatic for way too long.
Someone who’s willing to say that in front of a baby will say it and worse (possibly even do things) to someone whos fully cognizant and capable of remembering these things.
The axe forgets, the tree remembers.
I remember all sorts of horrible things said about me or done to me, because I was an accident baby, born out of wedlock.
Most of those things said, dont ever leave once your able to remember them. Even when your old enough to truly know and understand its a reflection of who’s said it, not you.
Good on you for protecting your kiddo.
And just in case it needs to be said again…. the axe forgets, the tree remembers.
You’re definitely not the asshole for distancing yourself from your father, but the truth of the matter is your bundle of joy was in fact an accident. And unless she has a serious developmental disability she is going to learn to do math one day and she’s going to figure out she’s an accident. This is less of a big deal if you’re in an area with a lot of divorce or single moms but if you’re in a place like my town with mainly 2 college educated adult households, she’s going to figure it out.
My bff was born 5 months after her parents got married. She was always saying “if they never had to get married because of me maybe they’d be happier” So I guess my advice is to make sure you and your husband figure out what to say to your daughter about the circumstances of her conception. And try to tell her before she figures it out on her own. It’s like adoption, you want to get ahead of it. If you tell her from very early on something like, she was a surprise, but the best surprise mommy and daddy could ever have, then it won’t be a big blow to her. But figuring it out on her own might hurt her a lot. It gives her time to assume the worst
OP has an asshole for a dad. He was way out of line. He must apologize or you’re justified not returning
I’m torn because finishing college – so that you can be independent from husband – is super important. So I can’t tell if he is just looking out for you or being a jerk.
Start a group chat, screen shot and “reply” to it and say “dad, Fuck off”
He’s not wrong. But he is rude. Apology needed.
Wow… majority of babies born are accidents…if we didnt have ‘accidents’ then most likely non of us would be here!!! He needs to stop being bitter and get a clue!!!
I was called an accident by some kids at school, because my dad was never around. My mother made it very clear when I told her that night, I was a surprise, not an accident. Context and word choice matters. I was 5 or 6 and remember that conversation with my mom distinctly. Can’t remember the kid at school or anything about the first part, except it happened at all. You’re better off protecting your child from your parent.
Y’all are arguing accuracy over appropriateness and it’s mind-blowing. He can feel how he wants but every thought he has should NOT pop out of his mouth. Especially something so disrespectful to someone he supposedly loves. He doesn’t have to agree with her choices but they are hers. It seems he didn’t raise her to accept disrespect…and that includes from him. Honestly, her response was mild.
My accident definitely smiles at me.
I’ll take things that never happened for $500
I know a lot of people who are divorced in their forties because they decided to get married after an “accident”. Hopefully your story turns out better.
It’s horrible to say that about anyone but his own flesh and blood. I vote “No contact”
Snip Snip! No room for toxic family members in my life. Sorry OP, you absolutely did the right thing!
He was disrespectful.
You let him down. He sent you to school and you didn’t finish. I hope you will. That said, to refer to your baby as a thing is disgusting. You have a new reality. You love your baby, you love your husband. Forget about him and his opinions. You are doing fine. You do not have to have him in your lives. If you would like him to be, be very clear about what is acceptable and what isn’t. I fear that he will say things like this to your daughter when she is older. Make the wise decision. This can negatively affect that child.
Go you girl. That’s messed up. Stay away from him.
Your dad needs to get over himself life doesn’t always go as planned doesn’t mean that he has a right to point out the obvious. You’re 23 not 16 he needs to be an adult. Your beautiful baby will most likely one day change his outlook and he will feel like a jack wagon be sure to remind him.
I’d say this is the right time to go no contact with your father. I’m doubtful that he’d have been an asset to you in your child rearing journey anyway so there’s no loss here except for the potential that he’d have eventually warmed up and become a decent grandparent.
Trying to minimize your feelings by calling you dramatic and disrespectful (side note: your father does not understand the concept of respect as evidenced by the fact that he thinks respect is when everyone shuts up and takes his bullshit without question) is toxic as fuck and you don’t need that in yours or your baby’s life. The fact that he has associated the word and concept of accident with your child does not bode well at all for a future in which he does not maintain that connection in his mind. It would only be a matter of time before he called your child an accident right to their face. Best to just avoid it now since there’s very little likelihood that such a thing would not happen.
I’d go no contact.
Unless you both approach this with some love, you’ll lose each other. You can acknowledge his hopes and dreams for you, and join with him by sharing the new vision- whatever you’ve planned. And you can both agree that she is not now, nor will ever be a “mistake” and that he will be the doting grandparent that she deserves and that his daughter deserves to have for her daughter
He wouldn’t be welcome around my kid or me again. Nta
You handled that like a boss. Great job momma. Thanks for giving me insight incase someone tries some shady shít my families way. GO GIRL!!💖
Just to give a personal antidote, my husband and I at the time got pregnant also at 23. It was our graduating year of college at the beginning, and for better or worse it’s actually what we planned for. We wanted that baby right after college, he is now a very well adjusted adult, and everything worked out beautifully with no complaints in the end. So there’s that.
But also, my husband at the times mother was so against us having this baby that she created quite a chasm and made what should’ve been a beautiful time, which it was ultimately, into a stressful time trying to manage her feelings because my husband at the time would not keep her away from us.
That resulted Into him and I divorcing. Just a one * two punch. She got into his head that I was gonna be a terrible mother because I was “young” and she got into his head, his fault, that I was a bitch and all around horrible individual. He and I divorced, but we raise that kid like a champ and it was the best thing that ever happened to me that again, I planned for.
Anyone dissenting on your own baby right now, drop them from your life. I’m glad I didn’t work out with that husband because I now have the husband I have now who is fucking amazing. But again, if she didn’t interfere, maybe we would’ve had a happy marriage and raise the kid together in that way. His mother was 100% the reason that caused the most damage and the most problems in our relationship. She didn’t stay away, the husband did not make her stay away, and he had bullshit in his ear for a very long time. Brainwashing.
Way easier said than done, but it is time to go low or no contact. It’s just like you said, he doesn’t get to insult his granddaughter and not expect there to be consequences. You weren’t being disrespectful you were standing up for your daughter and he didn’t like being told that he did something wrong. It might not be the life that he thought you would have or that he wanted you to have but as long as you are happy, healthy, and safe that is all that matters.
No, good job mama. Protect your baby and do not tolerate that negativity. Stuff like that can impact your child and their identity and self worth growing up.
He’s not wrong tho
being technically correct makes you an asshole sometimes.
Your dad sounds like a bully, and definitely not someone you need in your life at all. Also is he living in 1952? Having a baby in your early 20s does not mean you can’t have a career or finish school.
They say you sometimes have to teach people how to treat you.
It’s often true, AND definitely also applies to one’s parents.
Especially when you become an adult.
Especially when you become a parent.
The less people like this you have in life the happier you’ll be. Take this as a sign to make an inventory of others you should block and avoid now so this doesn’t ruin anymore memories of your child’s early years ~♡
I’d never ever speak to my father again if he said that about my child. My son was unplanned & his father & I broke up while I was still pregnant, leaving me now a single mother of a 12 month old. My father, the amazing man he is, cried when my son was born.
I am so sorry your father behaved that way. Something tells me this is just one in a long list of inappropriate & emotionally immature behavior from him. You’d be more than justified to never speak to that man again. Your child is a blessing & it sounds like you’re doing wonderfully.
F him
As soon as ” being dramatic” I know it’s AI
Oof. What the fuck.
Chat GPT and not a very good one at that.
Yeeeeah, it’d be a long while before he was graced with mine or my “accident’s” presence again. F that guy.
My mother told me I wasn’t an accident, I was a mistake and that if she could have gotten $400.00, she would have aborted me. When I was 3 months old, she put me on a train with my 2 year old brother in Arkansas and sent us alone to our father in California. We didnt see her again for 8 years. Things kinda went down hill after that. That was back in 1947.
I would literally go NC over that.
My dad was exactly like this towards my older sister and my niece. She hasn’t talked to him in 6 years and he’s now begging for a relationship with his grandchild 😅🤣 like yeah, you could have waited but you didn’t sooo what’s the point in whining about it and calling your grandchild names and treating them like a burden ?? Cut that mf off and enjoy your peace.!!
I have two issues with your story and one you probably threw in without even intending it being a reason I dislike your father. There’s the obvious one you intended to ask about, but also his idea that not finishing college is throwing your life away. Now my perspective is coming from a late-30s mid-millennial without any kids, but a 4 year college degree is not your ticket to success. I know plenty of people without college degrees succeeding in life as well as people with college degrees floundering in life. A college degree is not what it used to be anymore. Besides you can always go back and finish your degree at any time if you want to. Like, say when your kiddo is older and starts attending school, you could take a single class or two a semester if you choose to. It’s not required to complete a degree in 4 years, that’s just how long the average person takes to complete the degree if going full time. Took me 6 years to get my bachelors because I changed majors and that was a decade and a half ago. Times have changed. The degree doesn’t mean anything anymore. There are more useful trades that you could get into that pay way better than some jobs that people with bachelors degrees have. In my area, there are a handful of places where RNs are making over $50/hr and I’ve seriously contemplated going back to school for it because the school programs in my area take about 18mo-2yrs. Sure as shit better than my $12.50 and $17.95 pay rates at the jobs I had that actually used my bachelors. Then there’s the whole other obvious choice, if you don’t need to work, or only need to work part time, and your husband can financially support your family, raising a kid and being a stay at home mom is also a valid choice. He clearly did not do his job as dad to raise you because he’d know that as a parent if he actually was one. I very much dislike your father, both as a father and just as a human, he sucks.
He’s an asshole. But don’t call a kid a miracle. There’s nothing miraculous about conception or birth.
In fact it’s probably the single most consistent experience o thef human condition ever. It literally happens to everyone.
A lot of people out there like to take the ‘my house my rules’ shit way too far. If someone invites you home you can respect their rules and home. But they do not gain super venerated host powers where they are allowed to be shitheads and you as the lowly guest must take it because the host as bestowed upon you the honour of being around them.
That was a super toxic interaction and you didn’t deserve any of that. Calling your baby an accident you decided to keep is a major dick move. Texting you later–not to apologize after thinking back on what he said–but to continue attacking you, is abusive. The whole episode is abusive in retrospect. Abusers often get away with hurting their victim by giving them bite-sized chunks of the abuse and insisting that you treat each one separately. Asshole comment at dinner? Ok it was a bit rough but nbd you should get over it. Mad that they wanted you to get over it? You’re being dramatic and honesrly kind of psycho. Get your head checked. Looking back on all these things as a bigger picture lets you see that this person has been dragging you through the mud the whole time.
Not sure if that applies to your situation but I thought it might.
The child is here. Why is he still pressed about the circumstances. He needs to be an adult.
Should’ve looked at him and said, “too bad you’re what happened when grandma chose not to swallow. Shame.”
I mean he was right, she is an accident and babies aren’t miracles.
That said, he should show you more respect and it sounds like you don’t have the relationship where he can be so blunt.
Instead of just leaving, how about an actual adult conversation? “Dad I we both know child was not planned, not it hurts when you say things like that”
You didn’t mention if you finished school, so he may still be mad because you didn’t?