My (F19) parents are getting a divorce. I’ve never found them to be a good match or their relationship to be very healthy. Both of my parents seemed to have phone addictions and this resulted in a lot of what I feel to be emotional neglect (moreso on my mom’s behalf). There was one situation with my mom where she physically assaulted me in a manner that seemed unwarranted.
When I moved out, my dad became really distant and began staying out late. This was also a period in which he was diagnosed with possible prostate cancer (hereditary). He told my mom that he was focusing on his hobbies and living his life after coming so close to such a scary diagnosis. I assumed this was natural and that my mom was being crazy (as I had plenty of experience with growing up). I became suspicious whenever my dad was continuously late to visiting me because, despite the phone addiction, he would do anything with me that I asked. My mom blamed his distance on me moving out. He claims she attempted to physically assault him multiple times (which I fully believe), and she claimed the same (which could also be believable). He forced her to sleep in my old room before eventually kicking her out. I encouraged both sides to think about whether or not they want to be together in light of their behavior (both would call me to discuss the other, although my mom would try to force me into taking a side).
When my dad visited last, he had a woman with him who he introduced as his “friend” which definitely wasn’t awkward at all. He also let it slip that they work together (my mom believed the “other woman” to be a coworker, but she has no proof of another woman at all) and that he’d brought her before, but left her elsewhere while he visited. The time prior was before the divorce process legal began and it is still being processed. He asked if he could bring her again and I said yes. I also learned that between my brother and I (only children of this marriage), I am the only one to know of this woman.
My options are to:
– ignore it and become more complicit than I am, possibly losing my relationship with my mother (who has never shown affection for me until recently)
Or
- do the morally right thing and catch her on camera, possibly not proving anything in court, possibly losing my relationship with my mom (because I would still be complicit), and definitively losing my relationship with my dad (for snitching)
Any advice?
Tldr: my dad is cheating on my mom mid divorce process and I could possibly prove it via ring camera, but don’t know if I should risk my one nice parental relationship
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Backup of the post’s body: My (F19) parents are getting a divorce. I’ve never found them to be a good match or their relationship to be very healthy. Both of my parents seemed to have phone addictions and this resulted in a lot of what I feel to be emotional neglect (moreso on my mom’s behalf). There was one situation with my mom where she physically assaulted me in a manner that seemed unwarranted.
When I moved out, my dad became really distant and began staying out late. This was also a period in which he was diagnosed with possible prostate cancer (hereditary). He told my mom that he was focusing on his hobbies and living his life after coming so close to such a scary diagnosis. I assumed this was natural and that my mom was being crazy (as I had plenty of experience with growing up). I became suspicious whenever my dad was continuously late to visiting me because, despite the phone addiction, he would do anything with me that I asked. My mom blamed his distance on me moving out. He claims she attempted to physically assault him multiple times (which I fully believe), and she claimed the same (which could also be believable). He forced her to sleep in my old room before eventually kicking her out. I encouraged both sides to think about whether or not they want to be together in light of their behavior (both would call me to discuss the other, although my mom would try to force me into taking a side).
When my dad visited last, he had a woman with him who he introduced as his “friend” which definitely wasn’t awkward at all. He also let it slip that they work together (my mom believed the “other woman” to be a coworker, but she has no proof of another woman at all) and that he’d brought her before, but left her elsewhere while he visited. The time prior was before the divorce process legal began and it is still being processed. He asked if he could bring her again and I said yes. I also learned that between my brother and I (only children of this marriage), I am the only one to know of this woman.
My options are to:
Or
Any advice?
Tldr: my dad is cheating on my mom mid divorce process and I could possibly prove it via ring camera, but don’t know if I should risk my one nice parental relationship
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Your dad is an asshole for putting you this situation
Yeah, your dad is honestly a POS. They both sound unstable at best, very manipulative is more likely.
There is a 3rd option. Tell your dad to not bring her around anymore. Say you won’t judge him for his choices, if you really want to be Swiss about it, but that you don’t condone them and he’s putting your relationship with your already unstable mom at risk. You can tell your mom it took you a bit to put 2+2 together but now that you know you set this boundary and dad knows I don’t want to see or hear about her again. That way she won’t mine you for info and you don’t have to triangulate for your emotionally immature parents. They might be upset because people don’t like boundaries, but they should respect them if they wants to stay in your life and if they don’t then is that really the worst thing?
There were many times in my life my dad was not the dad I wanted or needed and it was easier to pretend I didn’t have one than deal with – I’m an adult now and we do not talk much. My brother hasn’t spoken to him in 5 years and he’s happier than I am with that arrangement ha
I think they’re not showing any compassion or consideration for your feeling
Stay. The fuck. Outta it.
Speaking as a child of divorce, you just stay away. Nothing good will come of meddling.
Moreover, if you did “catch” your dad with this woman, why does it matter? Mum and dad are separated presumably, given you said he kicked her out. Unless you can time travel back to get proof he was cheating before the separation, you’d just be making drama
Your dad is a manipulator. Tell him he can’t bring this woman around your house. He is a cheater and a snake in the grass.
However both of your parents are toxic. So just stay away from them. They need to divorce.
Gather proof. Then you tell your father to tell your mother. Give him a timeline. Don’t tell him about the proof.
If he doesn’t tell her. You tell her.
As a mom I would have a problem forgiving my child for keeping this from me.
It’s hard enough to find out your partner cheated, but your kid knowing and not telling you is worse.
You also don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. Some people are good actors and seem nice and quiet while the others have problem hiding their emotions and are loud and emotional. Doesn’t mean that they are automatically wrong.
Is he a good parent if he has put you in this position and abused the love you have for him. Step back op. Your dad is not a good father, In fact he is TA. You are all the clowns in his circus.
Decide – by doing what you feel is right by you and your morals. Don’t do it for either parent because they clearly haven’t thought about you.
Set some boundaries. Stop listening to them talk about each other.
I don’t think phone addiction is the problem…
Tell your dad to leave you out of it and not include you at all ever again. Mind your own business. Never me or speak with his coworker again. Their marriage is already over, just get out of the way
This is not your ball of wax. Tell both parents you don’t want to hear negative comments about the other parent. Refuse to engage. Your parents love for you should not be based on you “agreeing” with them. I’m uncertain what “proof” of infidelity you believe you have but don’t go there. A child can never know all that occurs in their parent’s relationship, when dreams died, when emotions went numb, who did what, etc. My advice is stay out of the mess.