I (32F) was a teenage pregnancy. My mom and dad never married and called it quits when I was 7 due to dad’s raging alcoholism and Xanax abuse. When I was 17, my dad had a surprise baby with a off-and-on girlfriend, and another with her when I was 19. Go figure that months after the second one was born, she skipped out on everything – I’m not 100% if she relinquished parental rights completely, but she’s never seen them since. Never found her social media and the only evidence is old arrest records for battery.
Well, dad died of cancer a few years ago. It was hard because we had a complex relationship where I was low- to no-contact for most of my teen years and adulthood. He spent his last coherent words apologizing to me.
Nowadays my two teenage half-siblings (15F and 13M) are with our paternal grandfather who has custody of them. He seems to be in very early dementia, so I got pulled into a big group chat by our aunts and uncles, like an intervention, asking if I wanted to take them in and adopt them.
I don’t. And I said as much. I’m childfree, struggle a lot with mental health behind the scenes, and am constantly playing financial catchup to survive. The last thing I want is to be a surprise parent to my addict dad’s surprise kids – especially the boy. I hate to say that.
The older sister I could – if it came down between me and a random foster – handle. I was actually very emotionally attached to her when she was born until I distanced myself from dad. She’s always been calm and collected, but hilarious and unafraid to be candid about her feelings.
However the younger brother is a totally different story. He has BPD and autism diagnoses and is apparently “not safe around small children” – MY AUNTS AND UNCLES WOULDN’T TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANT. Even when I demanded it before continuing the conversation. He also struggles with extreme depression and has been Baker Acted three times.
At the end of this “intervention”, they said it’s my choice, but I could feel their disdain and they haven’t spoken to me much since. My grandfather doesn’t answer the phone much nowadays, lives 2 hours away, and my only reliable way of knowing (for the past few months) that they’re not in fosters is my half-sister who reliably sends me TikToks… and my half-brother who just absolutely spams me.
That’s my other gripe. I’ve tried setting boundaries in a tween-friendly way about what’s appropriate, but again he doesn’t seem to understand that. I work a lot and am already really overwhelmed easily because I have my own little crises to work through – and he messages me nonstop. If I don’t answer he will text “Hello?” “????” “(My name)” “(My name)?????” and call me. He wants to talk on the phone every day, multiple times a day, and when I’ve done so he walks away from the phone have the time or just sits repeating the same questions over and over. He wants to Facetime every day for me to watch and comment on his games.
The times in past years I’ve taken them on a group activity (aquarium, arcade, park, mall, botanical garden, etc.) the sister is a peach but the brother typically has a meltdown, especially if sister and I are doing an activity. We spent the afternoon at an arcade where I played with both evenly, and a few tjings with the brother, and as soon as I played one game with the sister he disappeared. I had to find him and he was crying in a game booth saying this was too much and he needed to go. The arcade was empty and he had been overtly having a blast. For his birthday, he wanted to do the aquarium and I made sure it was about him that day and he was fine. On his sister’s birthday, we had to leave her historu museum trip early because he started shaking and crying on the benches, saying that “the vibes are bad, this is a bad place” (I am not making that up, but I think that verbiage is normal with this wave of tweens). I tried finding a chill quiet space, water, and snack for him and he just repeated “I need to go home” over and over. We went home but when I tried to take his sister back out for a coffee/drink/etc he said something like “I want (sister) to stay with me and play games, I’ll feel better”
…
So you can see where I’m at. I strongly suspect the brother is manipulative, but don’t want to project my frustrations and outright believe that.
I’m frankly sick of hearing from him, sick of being around him. It’s just a reminder of the mess my dad left behind. I feel horrible for them both, especially him. They were thrown into a really crappy life circumstance. They have their own issues, likely because the mom was continuously smoking, drinking, and also abusing Xanax to my knowledge.
But it’s not my problem. They’re not my kids. There’s a huge age gap and I have difficulty really connecting, and totally at a loss for navigating how to handle my brother. Yet the brother, my grandfather, and my aunts and uncles project a strong sense of “you’re obligated to be with them just as much as a regular sibling”. I only hear from my grandpa if it’s asking when I can pick them up and do something fun with them.
I don’t know. This is a super long vent but I just feel chained to them on so many levels.
Comments
My father went and had more kids. They’re over 20yrs younger than me.
I’ve no connection to them, nor do I want one. My father has tried to link me with them…to no avail.
The only chain you have to these other kids is the one you created. Understand you’ve no obligation to these kids. You shouldn’t allow your family to guilt you into dealing with these half siblings. You’re only obligated to yourself.
Stand your ground now. To be guilted into doing something you’ve no interest in will eventually wear you out….these kids aren’t worth that.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Know you have no moral obligation to be their parent. You’ve had the struggle of being born to teen parents, at least one them with big life issues. You probably needed and deserved a lot more from them than you got. You’ve had to grow up faster than other kids to compensate for that. Surviving instead of living probably?
And now when you’re an adult and free to shape you own life and finally at an age where you can prioritize yourself, these kids, that you did not ask for, are expected to be taken care of by you? Everyone is just deciding this for you, because they don’t want to be the ones to take them in.
If it was me I’d tell them “it’s your brother who put them in this world, I did not ask for any of this. He never gave me the childhood I deserved and now he gets to ruin my adulthood too from beyond the grave? If you think family is so important then you should be the ones to adopt them, not me. I owe my dad nothing”
You don’t have any real obligation to do this and you yourself say that you aren’t financially stable enough to do this.
Don’t do it.
You may feel some guilt over saying no but these children are not your responsibility and you very clearly don’t want to take them in. That’s okay. You’re child free and having children with mental illness diagnosis that may also be violent or unsafe be thrown into your lap won’t bode well for your own mental health either unless you’re fully prepared and committed to raising them.
Care givers have a heavy burden on their shoulders. If you’re already struggling in certain aspects of your life this will only make it harder.
Your siblings are not your responsibility.
There are other adults in the family who can care for them. You are more likely to be equipped to handle teenagers like that. Is your half brother in intense services? His behavior indicates that he needs more than what is currently being provided to him so it’s more than understandable that you’re overwhelmed.
Your siblings are not your responsibility.
Being a big sister is supposed to be fun to teach them things but without the burden of being a parent. You didn’t get a good childhood. You can create a better young adult hood for yourself.
Your siblings are not your responsibility.
Do what’s right for you. Try to take to time to figure that out. You mentioned getting along fairly well with your sister. Can you take her on a semi regular basis to build your bond? It’s this awful place of not wanting the responsibility but also not wanting guilt for not helping “family”.
Just a reminder. Your siblings are not your responsibility.
Nope, fuck that. They’re being disdainful because if you do it, they don’t have to. These children are not your responsibility and you don’t have to do anything for them if you don’t want to. Frankly I’d start backing off how much time you spend with them period. Put your family on low contact if you need to. This behavior is honestly so manipulative and gross.
It sounds like the brother has schizophrenia and is suicidal. Your best best if you want a relationship with them is to spend time with them when they’re 18. Regardless they clearly care about you and want you in their lives
The disdain you are feeling from them is actually their own guilt that they haven’t taken the kids themselves. Asking you to do this is them trying to get out of what is rightfully their responsibility. Don’t feel guilty for setting appropriate boundaries around what you know you are capable of dealing with. They frankly should never have asked you given what you have shared. Stay strong
It sounds like the younger child needs professional help and everyone else has been in denial about it. And if they shovel the kids on you, then they can “tut tut” about you being to weak and getting the state involved.
the kid has been committed five times. That kid needs long term structured help.
lYeah- don’t do it. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Your half sister may welcome a placement away from a brother like that. I worked in child services for a while and while keeping siblings together is good 99 percent of the time, there are big exceptions and that kid is a red flag of an exception. He’s only getting bigger and stronger.
15 is getting close to being on her own. Only do it if you want to, though. Don’t feel bad if you don’t.
Don’t worry about others calling you heartless if you’re doing what you can do.
Someone needs to get him into a group home.
Please tell them they are welcome to take in your siblings but you absolutely cannot and the discussion is over. Block them if they don’t respect it.
I have countless half step siblings, I’ve only met a few but there’s something like 10 or more because my now deceased dad was a shitty person who also never heard of condoms. I am indifferent to those people. I don’t feel anything negative but I also don’t have anything positive just because we share DNA from a deadbeat we were all no contact with until the very end. (He spent a week in the hospital prior to his death. Not a single one of his 11 kids showed up, nor would any of us claim the body. The county cremated him)
You have a responsibility to yourself first. If you are struggling, you cannot take in others. You will only make your struggling worse, and you are definitely not helping their struggling.
There are I do hope, state programs to help your half siblings.
If you have a sibling, who is not safe to be around children, then that sibling is not safe to be around adults either.
You are only chained if you feel chained.
Break those chains and set yourself free.
I do hope you’re seeing a therapist. If not, please see a therapist.
This can help you focus on what you need to do in your life for yourself.
If you should find yourself in a position after you have been in therapy, after you have a more established base, you can do so.
If you decide not to, that is OK too.
Putting you and one other or you and two others, all three together, who are hurting, who are scarred, who need serious therapy, will not help any of you.
Tbh, this might sound cold-hearted, but I would fully cut contact with the whole family. It doesn’t sound like any one of them actually cares about you (except the sister). I would feel pretty guilty about the sister bc she sounds pretty level-headed, but I just couldn’t let my pathetic excuse for a father set me up so shittily for life and then ruin the rest of my adulthood with his demented son.
Cut contact, leave that mess behind, and do your best to heal enough to enjoy the beauty of life.
Can you contact Child Services where they live and find out what’s going on and maybe explain the situation to them because it’s possible your relatives have not been truthful with them. Whatever you do I would not take in the boy and I would tell child services that he needs some inpatient treatment
Uh, why don’t aunt & uncle take them in, instead of guilt-tripping you?
Can you talk to your half-sister to find out what she would prefer? If she had to choose between staying with her brother and going into foster care or moving in with you, what would she prefer?
Also, don’t get conned into adopting – you will get financial aid if you do kinship fostering, but if you adopt, you accept full financial responsibility.
And somehow the story of their mother’s disappearance sounds like a Forensic Files case where a mother of young kids disappears without a trace – because her husband murdered her and hid the remains. You sure the mother actually left?
Not your circus nor your monkeys. The faster you cut that boy out of your life the better your mental health will be. Also, your family members guilting you need to cut off. That boy needs serious help and no one is getting it for him.
Do you know why your aunts and uncles are pushing for you to be the one to adopt them? Because they don’t want to care for the kids themselves. It’s easier to voluntell you to do it than to do it themselves.
Considering the issues your half brother has – would not an individual trained to assist minors with similar needs and the state be better equipped in assisting him? You would be doing yourself, him and your sister a disservice in taking up such a monumental responsibility especially since it seems as if your father’s family seem desperate to pawn him off on you and remove themselves from the responsibility and guilt of it all.
These two are not your responsibility OP. They never were. You most definitely are not obligated to spend time with them. You are an adult – YOU get to choose who you spend your time with!!
I urge you to start using the ‘Blocking’ capability on your phone – especially when you are at work. It can be turned on and off whenever you choose. Use this on your brother when you are at work to he doesn’t interfere with your job. Use this on your relatives that try to pressure you to take these kids. Block anyone who is not supportive of your refusal.
Your DAD MADE THIS MESS, not you and it is not your mess to clean up!!
From how you described the situation, fostering or adopting your half siblings, wouldn’t be good for either of you.
Younger child has complex needs and you are already having a hard time dealing with him.
Raising 2 kids on a very tight budget, while being overworked and struggling yourself, is not a walk in the park. Your family knows this, but they want to pass on the responsibly to you.
Don’t allow yourself to be bullied. They already have the answer.
And, in terms of being spammed by your half brother, set the phone to DND.
You’ll get back to him when you are not busy and overwhelmed.
Otherwise, frustration and resentment will grow.
OP, very sorry you are going through this.
First.of all, your relatives are idiots because you lack two fundamental requirements to adopt. Like, hello? How can it be possible to put two kids under the care of someone who can’t support them both materially and emotionally? They can guilt trip you as much as they won’t but this isn’t really your choice (or tell this to them so they will stop bothering you.)
Second, yes the boy sounds manipulative to me too and the age is concerning because today it’s a meltdown but what about tomorrow?
They’re right. You are obligated to be with them just as a regular sibling. That obligation to a regular sibling is absolutely zero.
The truth is that you taking them in when you can’t really handle that pressure and immense responsibility, isn’t going to no better for them than being with someone else who might be better at handling their needs. This isn’t something that should be forced onto someone without regards for their own struggles. You would become a caretaker to your half brother and that’ll break you.
If you decide you can take your half sister, be sure to talk to her truthfully about it, and ask her what she wants. If she wants to remain with her brother, then tell her you can’t take her in either in that case. If you separate them against their wishes, she’ll grow resentful of you and could make your life hell at the same time that it negatively affects her to be separated from him.
Don’t take him in. You don’t sound prepared or willing, and that’s valid. You recognizing your limitations and acting on them makes you a better person than taking him in and neglecting him, or worse, setting yourself up to abuse him or not helping him learn how to be an independent adult so he can have his own life later on. This really isn’t your responsibility, and taking it on despite your hesitation would be more irresponsible still.
As for your dad’s family, I hope you don’t carry any guilt. Their lack of understanding is on them. They could as easily take on the responsibility your dad left behind. They’re just as much family to your half siblings as you are. Why aren’t they fighting to keep them?
If they care so much, they can take them in. It’s NOT your responsibility. Full stop. End of discussion.
Sorry you’re dealing with this.
It is your choice going forward as to how much contact – if any – you want to have.
You’ve repeatedly said they are not your kids and not your responsibility.
If you try to set boundaries and the half brother cannot abide by them – likely because of his mental health issues – then you have to decide for yourself whether to keep in contact with him or not.
Do not let your own well being fall to the wayside for others. You are doing no one a favor by indulging behavior that damages your own psyche.
I just want you to know that it’s not your responsibility to take these kids. As you said, they aren’t yours. You’re under no obligation whatsoever. Tell your family no, and if they can’t accept it, leave that group chat and limit contact as you need. (Edited for a typo.)
If you’re here to tell your story and to have your feelings validated and supported – you’ve got it. You deserve the life you want.
Maintain a relationship with them to the extent it pleases you. You aren’t their parent. Shoot, I would personally tell the boy that you think he’s manipulative and you see through his bs. Only hang with your sister if that’s what you want. Maybe that would get him to want to change down the line.
BPD at 13? His personality is barely developed lol what?
Cut the family off, tbh. Do what’s best for you.