My dad (49) died of cancer a couple months ago. I (19) I didn’t even know that he was sick.
We always had a really turbulent and unhealthy relationship. I made the choice to cut him off and go no-contact 3 years ago, which I still don’t regret for reasons I’m not going to mention on here. It took everything out of me to make that choice, though. It hurt almost as much as his passing.. because I really cared about him a lot, and in a lot of ways he was the only one that understood certain parts of me even though he also did the most damage.
Anyway, a couple months ago I got a call from him completely out of the blue. The morning after my friend’s medical emergency in the ER because of course, right?
So I picked up the call and my father was saying that he’s in hospice. Apparently he was sick for two years. I went to see him and he died two weeks later.
I just finished my first year of university but I only have a 2.8 GPA. I was on track to being valedictorian of my high school until things got worse with my dad, and then my second semester of college took a turn for the worst with his illness. I feel like the stuff I went through with him is controlling my life and I don’t know what to do. I can’t be happy and I can’t succeed without it.
I’m trying to get through school in spite of this but I’m also dealing with major depression and have been for 6 years now. I feel like I don’t even want to learn anything or put in the effort anymore, like I’m just going through the motions.. which feels kind of lame. I wish I knew how to snap out of it.
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My dad is dying now and I don’t know either
Dad died in 2017. What do you do? You take the pain. It will be excruciating at first, but then dull. It will always be there. But you will persevere. I promise you. You will.
Mine died like 4 years ago now. Same situation, him and I weren’t in close contact any had a few periods where our relationship was strained. I felt like that made the grief after he died complicated.
All you can do is keep trucking on as best you can.
Speak to people if you need to.
It takes time. It took me 2 years to stop having random crying breakdowns. And him and I weren’t even close.
Don’t push yourself to move on, you will with time and with acceptance over time.
You’ll be okay.
Go through the grieving process. Have a list on both short and long term goals you’d like to achieve.
Achieve smaller goals and write it down.
Start exercising. Or go for walks/runs.
Good luck.
My father died my freshman year of college and my grades took a hit. It’s part of the grieving process. Don’t self-medicate. You will heal on your own timeline. Make sure you talk to your educators so they are aware of what you are going through.
Recently had to do the same after also being no contact.
You move forward one day at a time. You call his friends and family to let them know and then listen to how “great of a man he was” 50x in a row. 🤮😡 You sort out his will and estate hopefully he had one. You sort out the funeral or cremation and urn is the cheapest. You sort out his house and possessions if you are the Executor of said will.
Then you cry, then you drink, then you cry, and then you breathe easier as he is gone and no longer a problem.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
You will be ok.
You have much more living to do and the excitement that goes with you.
Some things you can try below.
Battle your internal self and excersize. Even just go walk, 30 min a day. No music. Take in the surroundings. Take different routes.
Find a hobby. Can’t afford it just yet? Try other things and save for it. Set that goal.
Join social clubs. Australia has men sheds, for doing tasks around other men, setting an environment to be able to talk to other men. Not sure what other countries have, but give it a go.
Reach out and talk to people. Someone to confide in.
Also youtube dad, how do I? Channel. Excellent for caring how to advice for anything.
Sleep well and regular. Go to bed and wake the same time every day. If you can.
Be well friend.
Do you do therapy? Journaling your feelings? Gratitude?
Lots of little ways to work on yourself.
Remember everyone has their own unique journey in life.
Short answer here, you live your life and do what makes you happy and what’s good for you. Strive to be better and to be kind to others and to live your life to the fullest.
Loss is something sad, but your family would not want you to get caught up on it. Be happy for the time that you had with them. If you and your father had a turbulent relationship he likely didn’t tell you about his illness to have you worry or get caught up in it. He might’ve been outwardly a bad person to you at times but he still likely wanted the best for you.
You just gotta keep moving on and keep trying your best to live a good life and make the world a more positive place with your presence.
It comes in waves. That’s what grief does to you. It gets better with time. Only those who have grieved a lost loved one can comprehend and understand what you’re going through. It’s the worst feeling. Like you want to throw away everything else. What’s even the point? You feel empty. Lost. And just… sad.
Take good time to grieve. Let it out. Be kinder to yourself. I wasn’t in good terms as well with my dad when he passed away. It’s just the worst feeling, knowing that you can never undo or mend that broken relationship.
I still dream about my dead every now and then. I’d like to think that he’s actually talking to me in my dreams. I know it’s just wishful thinking. I always end up in tears each morning. But my family doesn’t know. It’s probably for the best.
My dad died when I was young too, stage 4 pancreatic cancer
Tbh before he passed I was very aimless, especially while his condition was getting progressively worse. Very lost and not very motivated as a person.
I was depressed for a while after he died until one day I just kinda hit rock bottom and had to ask myself, if he could see me, would he want me to live like this? Would I want him to see me…giving up a little everyday, like this? What would he say if he was around?
Ever since then I’ve been doing it for him just as much as I do it for me. He’d have loved to see me reach my fullest potential. So whenever I want to quit, or give up, or face a big set back, or don’t wanna do that one thing I’ve been putting off…
I just think about the fact that I’d kill to have one more day with him. Like I’d overcome almost anything. That kinda reminds me of what it feels like to want something again. It reminds me I’m capable of wanting something. Which paradoxically helps me remember how to get back up again, if that makes sense. I just have to switch things in my life around until I feel like I want things again.
Idk if that helps you, but man. You’re 19 and you’re grieving. A lot of grief (and the time before he died where you had to start coming to terms with it way before you were likely “ready” to accept it, at least I wasn’t when I saw the strongest man in my life start to lose weight like crazy and be reduced to a shadow of himself)is an aimless and rather sad and somber journey through space and time, until one day all that aimless journeying clicks after a couple igniting events.
You’re allowed to keep being aimless. Just get ready to get back up again when the time comes, okay? You’ll know it when you see it. And when it comes, do it for both of you
Edit: just read your comments closer and saw you had a complicated relationship with your dad. Totally fine to just do it for you and not for both of you, but def understand the complexity of feeling. He can be both the character who hurt you and others and still someone you cared about and who understood you on some very deep levels. That’s okay too, to sit with both of those truths about him forever
It sucks and double whammy that you were estranged aswell. I’m estranged from my own family and don’t hear about passings until after the passing itself..
It is what it is. You’re still young but coming into your own as an adult. Keep doing what you need to live and survive. Things do get better as you age and as time passes.
Stay true to yourself and who you are supposed to be.
Man reading this broke my heart. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I’m sorry you had to go through that and I hope you see happier days in your life.
What do you do now? Become the man that you wish your father was. Everything that you despised about him, do not fall into the same trap. Do not look back at what was, look forward to what can be. Knowing what your father died of, at least now you know what you may be destined for, unless you correct the behaviors that could’ve helped cause his death.
I’m in a bit of a similar situation as you, my father was not a father to me. One of my friends growing up asked me if I was adopted because of how poorly my father (parents actually) treated me. I’ve also cut off communication, but I do feel as though I need to confront him and let him know how despite his mistreatments, I’ve made something of myself. That should be your motivation, to rise out of the hell that you endured as someone stronger. Realize that it didn’t kill you, you’re still standing, and forge forward with the sole purpose of being 10x the man your father was. There may come a time when you wish he could be around to acknowledge your success, instead prove to yourself what you are made of and break the cycle.
My mother passed away awhile back, so my heart goes out to you.
You seem to be looking for some functional advice outside of a pat on the back.
The only thing that helped me with my mother’s passing was making a commitment to put her life into perspective for my benefit.
I decided to look at my mother’s life as a lesson. Everything she did good, everything she did wrong, and everything in between. I figure the best way to honor her was to take the sacrifices she made as a parent and turn them into lessons for myself and my children.
It gave me a perspective of a renewed purpose in her life and death.
Maybe it’ll work for you.
Godspeed brother.
My mom passed away unexpectedly when I was 20 and in college. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her. I still consider it some sort of miracle that I was able to graduate. I understand what you are going through and empathize with you. Stay strong internet stranger.
> I’m trying to get through school in spite of this
Talk to the student people or your adviser at university they usually have resources to help with this such as counseling or letting you take a semester off or similar.
Get some therapy, likely available you at school. You have some complicated grief going on, and having someone by your side to point out the landmines will hel you keep your head on straight. It’s hard to grieve a bad parent, as you’re also grieving the good parent you didn’t get. You’re free now, and you can do this. <3
I’ve been there. You will never forget him. Just cherish your memories