This is a throwaway account because this is so embarrassing that I don’t want this traced back to me. I apologize in advance for this story being so long.
I have been recently feeling distant from my dad ever since he’d been falling for online catfishes. It all started a couple of years ago, he and I were living together part time and he had been texting people on Facebook messenger. (Mainly women.) One day he showed me a message he received from a woman named “Carrie Underwood”. The message read something along the lines of “hey, you must be one of my super fans!” Of course I laughed because i knew it was a scam. I told him “yeah, don’t fall for that, that’s clearly not Carrie Underwood.” He just chuckled and replied with a simple “yeah” before dropping the conversation. Well, ever since then, I’d glance over at his phone when he’d receive messages and phone calls from Facebook messenger, and the contact would show none other than “Carrie Underwood”. Now, as disappointed as I was that he was still talking to this obvious scammer, it was none of my business. He’d fallen for catfishes in the past (even so far as to giving them money) and I had to break the news to him that they were scammers. I think the reason why he was hiding “Carrie” from me was because he either didn’t want me to tell him the truth, or he knew the truth but didn’t care. For context, my dad is a very lonely man, he lives with a roommate and his best friend is our kitty, so it doesn’t surprise me that he’d want someone to talk to even if they were lying about their identity.
About a year later my dad and I were at a hockey game and he wanted to take a selfie of him and I. I thought “no big deal, he takes pictures of me a lot”. Once he took the picture, I glanced at his phone and saw that he was sending the picture to, yep, “Carrie Underwood”. I was floored and as a young woman this freaked me out. I asked “Who are you sending that too?” Without skipping a beat he answered, “your aunt”. He then turned his phone off quickly and put it away. My blood was boiling. “No, that clearly wasn’t my aunt, I saw who you sent that to. Why are you sending pictures of me to total strangers?!” He then told me that she “wasn’t a total stranger” and “It’s not a big deal because it was a selfie of both of us, not just me.” I told him, “I don’t care, I was still in the picture, that makes it a picture of me, too!” After some arguing, he told me that he wouldn’t do it again, “he promised”. Unfortunately, I believed him.
As months passed, I’d continue to see different names of women pop up on his phone to text or call him, and I’d background check them to find they were fake accounts. I knew that bringing it up would only result in more arguing, so I let it be. However, this changed when we went to yet another hockey game and he took yet another selfie with me. This time, I was sure to look directly at his phone, not even hiding it, and he once again sent the picture to both Carrie and this other scammer chick. I was livid. I asked again hoping he’d fess up, “Who are you sending that too?” Once again, he lied. “Your sister and Aunt.” That was the last straw. “Really?? I saw exactly who you sent that too. You just lied directly to my face! I told you to stop sending pictures of me and you did it AGAIN!” At this point I was yelling at him. “You overstepped a boundary that I clearly placed for you! Why are you sending pictures of ME to people you REFUSE to tell me about without my consent??” He said along the lines of, “they’re of both of us! I don’t see the big deal” and “I’ll explain this all to you one day” and “this doesn’t involve you”. I said “It does involve me! It began involving me once you sent pictures of me to people you and I have never met! You clearly have more respect for this online scammer than you do for me.” He tried to convince me that wasn’t true, but I stood up from my seat and left him there alone to take a walk and clear my head. Eventually he went looking for me, found me, and immediately tried to hug me. I pushed him away and demanded we left the game before it even started. I didn’t want to have to sit next to this man for hours after what he’d just done.
Ever since then, we’ve made up, but he’s been giving me major ick. I refuse to let him take pictures of me anymore and every time he tries to hug me, pat my back, hold my hand etc., I’ve felt majorly uncomfortable, as if he were a stranger. Of course, this wasn’t the only way he’s wronged me, but it was definitely the cherry on top of it all. I’m just glad I don’t live with him anymore.
TL;DR : My dad had been sending pictures of him and I to scammers and attempted to lie directly to my face about it. Now I feel gross around him.
Comments
That’s creepy and gross
You need to check your credits score
I’m smelling identity theft.
just a gentle reminder that taking pictures in public is in fact legal.
The one thing I thought is often times those scammers are men. So your dad is sending your photo potentially to strange men.
There has to be some kind of older people meet up groups he could join or clubs, hobby, travel groups he could join.
Prepare yourself. You don’t say how old your Dad is, but my Mom is in her 70s. There’s been no picture taking, but she was sending a scammer posing as Keanu Reeves money. She said they were in a relationship and even gave him control of her social security and bank accounts. And, yeah, I warned her from day one, told her to cut him off, etc. In the end we were forced to take over her finances and lock up her credit. The bank even got the IRS involved to investigate her for money laundering. If your Dad is like this now, it will only get worse. Be proactive. It will get ugly, but sometimes we have to protect our parents from their own stubborn stupidity.
The scammer is only sticking around and texting your father because he is giving him/her money. You should be concerned he isn’t going to go broke with all the money he gives away. Maybe you need to set up an online dating profile for him so he can meet real women in his area. The poor guy is lonely and craving social interaction.
Your dad is in the wrong of course but why do you continue to let him take your photo? That part is on you
OP, check your credit scores NOW. Use credit Karma or something like it so it doesn’t hit your score the way a full credit check does.
Then, you need to log in to all the major credit companies (TransUnion, Equifax, Experian), and FREEZE your credit if it’s not already. Not lock, full freeze. It’s good to keep your credit frozen all the time anyways since there’s a data breach every 5 minutes. If you’re applying for apartments or loans you’ll need to unfreeze it ofc, but freeze it again after. This will prevent people from opening accounts in your name.
If you have any joint accounts with your dad, pull your money ASAP. Scammers get their hooks into people like your dad and will say all sorts of things to get details like accounts or Social Security numbers.
Lastly, you may want to grab his phone while he’s asleep and see what kind of info he’s given to these people. Scammers are not the only people who catfish, plenty of human traffickers do it too. You need to go through his messages and see if he’s sent your address or phone number to them. Android and IOS both have options to search the messaging apps, search for your address.
Im not trying to make you panic, but you need to prepare for worst case scenarios. Your dad is a prime target. Older, lonely men are notoriously gullible, easy to manipulate, easy to fish info from, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. If he’s falling for these scams so easily, you need to distance yourself from him, because anything you tell him may be getting passed on. Make sure he doesn’t have copies of your legal documents like Social security or birth certificate.
Going off track a bit, but your ability to set and keep boundaries is really impressive and inspiring. I’m coming from a place of having no boundaries with my parents, and holding firm with them has been difficult. Your post laid them out so clearly and almost read like a really accessible how-to. While it’s infuriating to see your dad blatantly disrespect and overstep those boundaries, I’m proud of you, internet stranger, for not giving in. I wish you the best of luck!
It’s sad that it’s come to this, but will he listen to someone else who is older and male? That was the case with my dad, I could scream all day long but his older brother was Always Right.
How I felt about that is another story, but at least it got crap shut down, and fortunately my uncle had common sense.
I think you need to not only see this from your perspective but from his also. I am really worried about dad’s mental health or at least his ability to make safe decisions for himself. I don’t know how old he is but if he is considered elderly, you may want to find resources in your area and reach out for help. If he isn’t, you have every right to say, "Dad, I love you. I love that you want to do things with me but you are making poor choices right now. I know you are lonely but talking to people online may not be your best option right now. I can’t let you take pictures of me until I know you aren’t sending them to strangers but I can try to be there for you because I want you to be happy."
didn’t really want to go deep into this but since my original comment about public photography is getting downvoted to hell, i figure i might as well say everything i’ve been thinking.
first off, i get where you’re coming from. your dad broke your trust. you told him not to send pictures of you to strangers, especially fake profiles, and he did it anyway, multiple times. on top of that, he lied to your face about it and tried to cover it up, which just adds insult to injury. that’s not something small or petty to be upset about. you’re not wrong for feeling violated or uncomfortable. especially when it’s someone who’s supposed to protect you and instead is treating you like you’re part of some weird fantasy to impress scammers. that’s unsettling, and i get why you’d feel gross about it.
that said, i think part of what’s making the situation even harder for you is that there’s a blurry line between the legal side of what he did and the emotional side. from what i’m seeing, it seems like you may believe your dad broke some kind of law or crossed a line that society itself would recognize, like “you’re not allowed to take photos of me without permission”, but the reality is, if you’re in a public place, anyone can legally take a picture of you. they don’t need your permission, and they’re not required to delete it, even if you ask. that’s just how it works in most places (unless you’re being harassed or it’s being used maliciously). i’m not saying that to invalidate how you feel, just to point out that your discomfort is coming from a personal boundary being crossed, not a legal one.
what he did isn’t illegal, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. it’s 100% a relationship problem, and that’s probably where some of your confusion and frustration is coming from. it feels like the world should agree with you, that what he did is wrong, but legally speaking, it’s a gray area. and i think that disconnect might be making you feel even more powerless in all of this. because if the law won’t back you up, and he won’t respect your boundaries, then what recourse do you really have? that’s a crappy place to be.
i also noticed that as this went on, your reactions grew from being upset about the sending of pictures to being uncomfortable with him taking any pictures at all, or even touching you or showing affection. again, not judging, that kind of thing happens when someone keeps violating your boundaries and ignoring your feelings. but it’s also a sign that this whole thing has spiraled beyond just one issue. it’s become something that’s eating away at your trust, your sense of safety, and your ability to feel comfortable around someone who’s supposed to be close to you.
EDIT: comment is too long and i replied 2nd part to this comment
He’s not just sending pictures, he’s sending his life savings.