My mom is sick. Not with a cold or something small—she has this condition in her neck where, when she gets too angry or stressed, it causes partial paralysis and messes with her heart. The doctor warned her: if this keeps happening, it could trigger a stroke. She’s basically dying from stress.
And guess who’s causing it? My father.
Let me give you some background. 18 years ago, my mom was in her early twenties. She had just won a big money prize on a TV show, bought herself a car and a house at only 24, and was doing well. Then she married my dad.
When I was a newborn, she was sitting in her car—my dad was driving, and they got into an argument. You know what he did? He kicked her out of the car. Just like that. With her baby in the backseat, he said, “I’ll take your car—let’s see what you do now.” She had to take a taxi to her family’s house—who didn’t even want her there. That was the beginning of her nightmare.
Fast forward: he sold that car behind her back and gave her nothing. He’s taken loans in her name, lied, cheated, manipulated—nonstop. And it didn’t stop “back then.” It’s still happening today, just faster.
Yesterday: he took her car again (she still pays for it), went to work overnight without telling her, and when she called, he literally said “I don’t have time for you.” When he finally came home, she asked why he didn’t tell her, and he just said, “Why should I ask you?”
Then he walked out on her and went to his father’s house, where they all hate my mom. They trash talk her constantly—call her names, mock her—and my dad? He joins in. Says, “Yeah, you’re right. She’s like that.” Like some pathetic little minion desperate for approval.
My mom told me yesterday: “He’s speeding up. Before, it was every once in a while. Now it’s like he’s trying to kill me.”
And I believe her. Her body is breaking down, and he’s out there living freely like nothing’s happening.
And here’s the worst part—she can’t divorce him. Everything she built—she paid for it, but it’s all in his name. The house, the car—everything. And in Tunisia, there’s no equal splitting in divorce. If she leaves, she loses everything she worked for.
She told me, “I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried yelling. I’ve tried everything. He’s a rock.” And now she’s in bed, shaking, on the verge of a stroke. And he’s out with his friends.
I don’t know what to do. I’m angry, and I’m scared. I’m watching my mom die slowly, and I can’t stop it.
What can I even do?
Comments
At the end of the day, this isn’t your problem to solve. It’s hers.
All you can do is push her to get a divorce. Losing your house and car isn’t as bad as sacrificing your health or life.
If she won’t, it’s not on you, it’s on her.
I’m so very sorry you’re in this situation.
Make him a nice pong pong fruit smoothie.
I’d lose $750k if I divorced my wife, but when the time came, I didn’t care because no amount of money was worth what it was doing to my family. If she really values a life without that horrible man in it, this is how she’d prove it.
It sounds like she’s paid for all of these things and I hope she can afford to pay for new things.
She says she’s tried everything but she hasn’t tried leaving and restarting her life. If my math is right, she’s only in her early 40s. She doesn’t want to lose what she has but death will ruthlessly take it from her.
Plead with her. Tell her that health is precious. You love her and don’t want her to die young before seeing grandchildren die to your father’s poor choices. Tell her (if she can afford to pay for an apartment or other living arrangement) that it’s better to restart with nothing then to die young.
To paraphrase Viola Davis, there are only two people who you owe something to, and that’s your 6 year old self and your 80 year old self. What would those two versions of her want to have happen?
If she won’t leave, you will have to accept she gets something out of staying. It could be she’s against divorce, it could be she likes to be a martyr, but there’s something.
For all intents and purposes she has already lost those things anyway. Why end up disabled or dead on top of it? Is she just hoping he dies first?
You can tell your mother she needs to leave him but this isnt your relationship. You can tell your father he’s killing her but this isn’t your relationship.
Your mom has to want to leave.
You learn from her mistakes and teach your future children as well
She can secretly start selling things off and hide the money she makes from them to get away from him. You and she can run away together, find a way to live without him. Get as many valuable items as you can to sell and make sure you have enough money for food and basic shelter for a while. Find out where you can safely live (what countries other than Tunisia, or, if you can’t leave the country, at least what cities you can go that you will be safer). Does she have family who loves her? Preferably that your dad doesn’t know about?
She needs to keep all her important papers, money, some clothes, etc., in a hidden place, and don’t tell anybody. She can’t tell him at all that she’s leaving – wait till he’s gone somewhere for quite awhile. There are Domestic Violence shelters everywhere. Sounds like she has an income, but if not, she can still get away. She can figure it out as she goes along, She’s slowly dying for no reason ; she’s already lost all her stuff to him. It won’t be easy, but she’ll have some support, and the rest of her years on earth.
Talk to a lawyer. Maybe there is a way to claw back some assets.
I realize I know nothing. My daughter lives in Tunisia and it’s a struggle.
She may just need to come live with you.
Raw kidney beans ground up
If you care about your mom you’d get her out of that situation. It’s tragic that she’s given so much of herself to him and she’s in this position but if you can help her (house her, support her) you should. Losing everything like the house may give her her life back.
Hug her and let her know she is loved.
Hopefully he spends most of his time outside of her home.
Protect your peace and hers.
Terrifying situation.
Yeah, the money lost wasn’t worth staying in hell.
“cheaper to keep her”, perhaps, as long as you don’t count the cost to your soul
I don’t mean to sound insensitive but is this a 100% accurate representation of the situation or are you exagerrating? No one should have to live like this but my spidey senses are up about someone being so responsible for the success of a household but also saying they can’t leave.
The fact you even know about all this leads me to suspect you’re being parentified and maybe given one exaggerated side of a story.
What is the whole story with your father working? He at least worked one night.
She must learn to go grey rock. It’s a technique you can learn off watching YouTube videos on narcissists. Also, can her doctor give her tranquilizers and/or antidepressants? The stress has caused her to have a brain chemistry imbalance. It doesn’t sound like she can leave. I’m glad you’re there for her. Take what you wrote here and read it to her doctor and any social program workers available. Good luck. Hugs.
She can choose life or choose death. She will not have money either way. He’s in control of the money. Make her understand the argument, get her to a women’s shelter to get help. There are agencies to help her start over.
Set up new accounts, without your father’s name a siphon as much money out of his hands. Try for both of you to escape.
If all this is true and the family were living in the U.S. I’d have some suggestions. But living in Tunisia? I have zero idea what to advise. I know less than zero about the legal system, about how financial arrangements are made (why, for example, was Dad able to sell Mom’s car?), let alone what resources are available to abused wives.
If she’s paid for all these things she can divorce him, with your support if you’re willing, and get back on her feet. She’s not going to leave because she’s got no place to go, she sees no way out.
Help her or watch her get stressed
I’m sure this is going to result in a lot of downvotes, and I really hate to say it, but she CAN divorce him, but she’s choosing possessions over her own health. Just know from a legal point of view that she will have the upper hand – especially if there are still kids in the household and her possessions were originally hers. Depending on what state she lives in, it will still cost her, but barring abuse or martial indiscretion, she should end up with the bulk of the established marital estate (women usually have the upper hand here).
Yes, some things will be split, but that’s the nature of the beast, and if stress truly is killing her, then what other choice does she have? She either stays with him, suffers more stress until it kills her, and she loses everything and more, or she divorces him, might lose some things, but still has her life and health and has the added benefit of seeing her kids and possibly grandkids grow up…
If you can’t take it with you, it should be a no-brainer.
Now, I would like to point out – if his behavior is so bad it’s leading her to have health issues, it’s going beyond normal behavior and is now in the realm of abuse, which again, could benefit her in a divorce if she can prove it.
If you suspect abuse in any form (physical, mental, etc.), you need to record it and report it.
Just know that without a record, mental abuse is difficult to prove, and in toxic relationships, mental abuse goes both ways.
She needs a lawyer.
So I looked up the laws there. Assets are divided equally. She can divorce him for abuse. She won’t be left with nothing. I believe she is too depressed to even contemplate divorce. Try to get her to leave. Reassure her she can be happy. Her self esteem is probably nonexistent. Poor woman. I’m sorry this is happening.
So your mom is 40 and risking dying or being disabled from stress. She needs to get counseling to help her figure out the tools to help her get out
There is very little you can do. You talk to her and help her understand this is not normal or acceptable and that she has every right to leave. She may feel trapped or that she can “fix” him. Invite her to live with you, if possible, so she knows she at least has options.
Unfortunately, she is the only one who can make the decision to leave him.
She needs to leave even if she looses everything. She gets out with her life. Many people in the world have been in this situation and did it.
Yes, for you there’s nothing you can really do because it’s ultimately her choice. You can reflect wisdom, help her problem solve, help get her into a new life, but it’s her decision ultimately.
That’s sad that she stays with the abuse. Call adult protective services, report the abuse!! Asap!
Look, this is her life. If she has to start from scratch, at least she’s alive. Get you both out of there.
She has nothing, so she has nothing to lose by leaving.
She needs to hide her money – maybe you can get involved with that. She needs to have her Identification and any proof of income and ownership of anything, all pertinent documents, in a safe place. She needs to stop all stress as per doctor’s orders so ignoring husband as much as possible and avoiding him. Can she stop cleaning and cooking or go to bare minimum? Can she sleep in a separate room that she can lock him out of at night? Can you and mom go live somewhere else? She needs to move out as soon as possible. Are there any women’s shelters? Domestic violence help groups?
Time for her to walk away, in fact, run away. It’s not your job so all you can do is support her.
Can you get her to see a therapist? Hopefully behind his back. She sounds defeated, and he’s encouraged a lot of learned helplessness. That’s a hole that’s nearly impossible to pull yourself out of. She needs some help to find the strength to leave.
Why she haven’t let? I mean at what point will she realize this’s taking affect on her physical and mental health?