I need help/ advice. I recently was made aware of some really horrible information. A guy my family knows (lets call him BOB) came forward to me to let me know that he and my dad have been seeing each other. BOB showed me proof of text messages ( really sexual ones & just normal convo messages) he showed me phone call records and also gave me explicit details of them hooking up. To be honest, i am disgusted. My parents have been married for over 30 years and I can’t believe it. My dad isn’t the most “MASCULINE” father but I don’t think that makes him gay necessarily. He cooks and cleans, loves his garden and is sensative. The gender roles In my home growing up were def switched. My mom was the bread winner.
Back to the story, i told my mom as soon as i could. I showed her the proof (as nasty as it was) i told her everything, she was DEVASTATED rightfully so. We confronted my dad and at first he was in denial, he claims the messages were just “jokes“ and he didn’t mean it. The messages were DEF not jokes, I don’t know how you can even joke like that with someone. It has been a couple of days now and he owns up to the messages and how HORRIBLE they are and how he is SOO wrong for even sending the messages. What he swears to God he did not do is get physical. We have tried to match the dates ( days they supposedly got physical with bob) and camera recordings/ text messages/ location pins/etc. And it doesn’t add up as much as bob claims. COULD BOB BE LYING/ EXAGGERATING??? I DONT KNOW. What my dad can’t deny is the nasty ass GAY ASS messages he sent to BOB.
Anyways, my life is turned upside down and I literally have no idea what to do.. I Haven’t faced my father and idk how or what to say. My dad wants to talk to me to get his side of the story but i genuinely feel so awkward. I want to find a family therapist that helps with family trauma/affairs/gay. Idk. I’m looking for advice or maybe just some help. Idk what to do.
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Take this to the police if you are a minor and Bob is showing you explicite messages, videos, text. It’s illegal. Let the police investigate and if your dad s not telling the whole truth because (he is not). Then the police will resolve.
You don’t want this guy to stalk you. If you are a minor he can go to jail. The truth hurts but it the only way out.
Bob of in the wrong here by involving to but the “other woman” often behaves this was as well. That said, flip the rolls. Let’s say to were the one outted as gay. Word you still want your father to love you? Your father is still your father. Your parents’ relationship is damaged and changed. That shit happens all the time. That’s not about you. Find a good, professional, licensed therapist (not clergy) to work through this.
He is wrong for cheating on your mom. He has always been gay though. After 30 yrs of marriage and raising a family, he has tried to deny it himself. Bob is EVIL AF and is getting exactly what he wants, to ruin your family and hurt your dad. I’d want to know why if I were you. He has made a huge mistake in cheating but he cannot help that he is gay. It doesn’t work that way. You sound like a homophobe too so he should just be open about it, apologize and exit the marriage or everyone will remain miserable. Ignoring it is a horrible idea. Decisions must be made by him and your mom about how to move forward & when to start.
You should let your parents sort this out and stay out of it at this point. Keep an eye on both for support purposes & maybe get counseling on your own? Good luck.
I think anyone would be in shock if this happened to them. Give yourself and your family some grace to adjust to this info however much is really true
Regardless of his sexuality your father is still the man you have known all your life. I think your family should work through this with a therapist with experience in this situation. My question is what was the motivation for your dad’s friend to share this with you. I’m sure he knew this would be like dropping a bomb in the middle of your dad’s life. Did he want more than your Dad was willing to give?
If all involved are adults. Then let the gay dad and mom handle this.
My advice would be…
Quit with the homophobic comments. What your did was wrong, but that doesn’t make your attitude about it being a gay relationship ok
You have every right to be upset with your dad. What he did was horrible and very wrong (but no better or worse than if it was with a woman.
Was a good dad while you were growing up? If so, focus on that when you’ve had time to digest everything. Someone can be a terrible spouse but a good parent. Don’t throw your relationship with him away because he is a shitty husband.
Bisexuality exists. He may not be gay and their marriage might not be over (although no one could blame your mom if she left him!)
Best of luck
Just breathe, your dad still still loves you. Affairs are never about the children. It hurts even adult children though. Sit back and let your parents work it out between them. Find a good therapist or friend to talk too. Things will never be the same. But they will go on different
Sorry Bob thought you needed to see any of the personal messages shared with your dad. They involve consenting experienced adults. Life will show you diabolical situations tolerated. You had no reason to be involved. Be a shoulder for your mom and find counseling to deal with the situation. She, too. In any case be respectful to all those involved.
Hey, I’ve known 3 people who found out their dad’s were gay/not who they thought. One of those dad died completely estranged.
It definitely rocks your entire perception of him. I’m in no way saying it’s okay to have affairs and lies.
Bob was completely out of line to reveal that without your dad. Completely. Dad should cut off with him for that betrayal.
You’re definitely going to need some help, and lots of time. But I hope it won’t completely ruin your perception of everything your dad has done for your life.
You don’t need to wait on your mom or dad to deal w/this. You have every emotion flying out of you. You need to deal w/your anger and frustration before you lash out and make this situation worse. Your idea to find a therapist for yourself is spot on.
Your father isn’t the first man to be outed by a male partner, and he won’t be the last. The damage is for your mother and father to fix. It has virtually nothing to do with you.
People who hold secrets usually have seemingly obtuse behaviors around their secrets and others’ reactions around finding the truth. His life, as he’s lived it thus far, has been cracked open, and he may be trying to tidy it up for your sake as well as your mother’s.
You may not like your father’s being gay or bisexual, but it is a fact. You are going to have to reckon with your own biases about it because he is always going to be a part of you. No name-calling is going to change that.
My mom had an affair with a woman and divorced my dad and left the household. Life and especially sex and romance are complicated and powerful. They don’t sit in neat boxes and conform to our notions of “should.” I just let it be and maintained my relationship with my mom after she left. I did not judge. People are imperfect. I was glad I kept her in my life. Her sex life was her business, not mine. I was sad to see my dad so hurt, but he soon remarried, got happy again, and I loved my stepmom too. Being nonjudgmental rocks! I recommend it.
It’s okay to feel confused and hurt. Take your time, and talking to a therapist is a really good idea. This isn’t your fault
Your parents relationship is no longer your problem. Unless you live with them then you’re caught in the crossfire.
I do understand the feeling of being lied to from your dad and think counseling isn’t a bad idea for that relationship with you two.
You writing (GAY ASS ) in all caps killed me im ngl 😭
On other note this is terrible for ur mom bc nobody deserves to get cheated on and im sure she’s going thru it right now especially bc the man she’s spent her whole life isn’t even straight. Just try to be there as much for ur mom as you can and ur going to have to accept ur dad sexuality one day. Try to hear his side of the story. And proceed from there.
I cannot think of anything my child could do to make me avoid , not want to talk with , see, etc. I wonder why you won’t see him. What he did is his business, did he handle it correctly, not really however he is your father , he deserves at the minimum an audience with you . After that you get to decide . One piece of advice if you do talk with him . Please listen to understand and don’t listen to just argue or judge .
You tell your mom she deserves to know what a pos husband she has
Oof I am feeling for you and your mom. A family therapist is the way to go. I think some space from him while you navigate through this with a professional will be the safest way for everyone. But, if you’re asking my opinion…. Yes I think your dad is gay. He’s not proud of it but he is…
Honestly, my question is, why did BOB feel the need to inform you of this and show you explicit content?
Shame on Bob for bringing you into this. This is between him, your dad and your mom. Bob’s a dick. Even if dad has been having an affair with him, he should leave him.
As for you and mom, sending hugs and support.