I live with my dad (I’m 17) and every few days, we’ll be having a conversation in the car or on the couch, and he’ll interrupt me after I use a word he thinks is slightly above my vocabulary by saying, “Okay Mr. Smartypants,” or “How sophisticated.” He says it in such a sarcastic tone. I don’t think my vocabulary is that much higher than the average high-schooler’s, so it’s been annoying me a lot lately.
No, I’m not one of those people who try using big words to seem smarter. I just consume a lot of media, and naturally what I hear is what gets put into my vocabulary and sticks with me. I also love to write things, especially for my 12th grade literature class.
I’ll give you one example of when my dad does his little thing: We’re both playing Baldur’s Gate 3, and I’m choosing my character’s first feat. My dad says, “You should choose a feat that increases your ability score in intelligence.” I respond, “Yeah, but that’s a little basic for me. I want a feat that brings some nuance to my battles, not just one that makes big number bigger.” or something like that. I’m guessing “nuance” is what triggered him because he mutters, “Wow, big word.”
I know a lot of people who have pet peeves against others who use big words to seem smarter, but this isn’t that. I’m just trying to get my point across using what is in my vocabulary. Is “nuance” even that complex of a word to use for a near adult?
Anyway, I had to vent about this minor frustration. I guess I just want to express myself without being mocked for it.
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Have you tried asking him why he does it? It could be a defence mechanism, especially if he didn’t do so great in school
I haven’t directly asked him. Looking more deeply into it on my own, I think it’s possible he’s just taken aback when I speak with more complexity than he’s used to. I’m not really his little kid anymore.
I would be like, oh I’m sorry, if you weren’t aware, nuance means – and give the definition. It’s one way to stop him cause after a few times he’ll know you know what the word means and not just parroting what you hear and second, he’ll get annoyed and stop commenting on it.
My mom does this. I think it’s because she never graduated high-school and honestly went during a time that education was abit more basic. They focused on the three R’s and if girls were wearing skirts not pants. So I think she embarrassed when I know a word or fact she dosent know.
I try to just laugh it off and ignore it. I only get upset when I try to explain something I know is a fact and get treated like I’m making it up or silly for knowing useless info. Like if I’m answering a question you asked why mock me for knowing the answer? Why ask if your not going to believe it?
Drives me so insane. I’m 33 and it will never stop.
Nuance is bigger than intelligence?
Is your dad generally anti-intellectual or just when it comes to “big” words?
It typically comes from a place of insecurity
Context matters, my friend. The purpose of language is communication. And if language used is above the audience, communication falters. So what works in a lit paper won’t work in a chat with a random game player, and probably doesn’t work with your dad. Knowing vocabulary and knowing when it fits are two different skills.
Just respond with “U no get it, u dum. I get it “
sounds like he’s insecure about his own vocabulary. Keep using those complex words and just be yourself!
Sometimes launching into adulthood includes getting nudged out of the nest. It’s not uncommon for some parents to view launching children as competitors.
Just smile and nod and get on with your life adulting. Your words are yours to choose.
I don’t think nuanced is a big word but at least in my social circles, I have never heard it used. It is used frequently at work and I also use it at work but haven’t ever heard it used outside of work. Depending your father’s work and/or community, he may rarely hear it used and was surprised by it so he makes fun. I am not saying he is right but that could be where it’s coming from
Tell him to “consume feculence”. Worked for Milcheck
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I think that he’s insecure about his own vocabulary, so he puts you down so that he feels more comfortable. It’s a common way to put other people down. You see it all the time on TV when the character who is insecure says something like “oh you think you’re better than me.“You could ask to talk to him when he’s not doing it. Ask him if he knows that he’s doing this and then ask him why.. Tell him that it’s hurtful when he does it, that you’re really interested in the English language and these are widely used words you have learned in school. And remember when people do things like, it’s not really about you. It’s about him so it is his problem. If he can’t or won’t change it, just keep this in mind. Keep using those words!
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! As an avid reader throughout my childhood, I often got teased (sometimes kindly, sometimes not so much) by my friends and peers for using more advanced vocabulary. Thankfully my parents weren’t in this group.
I agree it might be his own insecurity but also say that it’s nothing to apologize for either! Advanced literacy is a skill that can carry you far in life no matter your career path/ambitions. And in a society that seems set on simplifying everything even to the detriment of genuine learning, keep up the great work!
Main example of above: I work at a university and standards have lowered while faculty are still pressured to pass students that have not demonstrated/submitted work or otherwise performed at the level necessary to warrant those grades. These issues snowball the farther they advance because the root causes are not addressed. By preventing “failure” from the start, it ultimately creates more problems in the long run than it solves.
When I used “big words”, as a kid, my parents would say “winner word, winner word” and cheer. Both of my parents are/were writers. Having a big vocabulary was totally normal in my family. (I was reading at a college level by 5th grade.)
Ask your father if you need to lend him a dictionary so that way he can join you at the big boy table with all those big words.
Salutations, OP. We who are readers and writers salute you as one of our own, and welcome you into our company.
About 40 years ago, I had a girlfriend that would do this and frankly it got tiresome. She was getting annoyed with me for “showing off” by using one word to describe something instead of two or three; I began dumbing down the conversation for her benefit and the thing I remember most after all these years was when I described a colour as a mix of red and yellow to make sure she understood what orange meant.
We didn’t last long together!
It sounds like he is insecure that you’re using words that he doesn’t know what they mean. So he chooses to belittle instead of ask for education. Idk if you want to try this approach but you can try to work in the definition of a word into the convo before you use it. Or you can dish it back to him and ask him if he doesn’t know the meaning of the word and to define it. 🤷🏻♀️
It’s definitely an insecurity. It’s almost like negging where he wants to put you in your place
I got RELENTLESSLY trashed for using the word redundant. I used it correctly and they thought I had used it wrong. I pulled up the definition which proved I had used it correctly, not exactly a tough word to nail down, and they still give me shit to this day 20 years later. Some people do it out of insecurity, some out of ignorance. Either way it’s fucking frustrating. I have a buddy who deliberately uses words incorrectly and mispronounced…. I’d rather get mocked than hear that shit
I have a friend who does this by calling me “shakespeare” when I use “big words”, and it probably wouldn’t annoy me at all if they only did it for words that are actually big or like pretentious, but most of the time the words aren’t big or unusual at all… highlights include “sincere” “my pleasure” and “cranky”. who knows what’s going through their heads
I’ve run across this in some social circles as an adult. It is typically an indicator of someone from a lower socioeconomic class who did not pursue higher education and feels some level of insecurity by someone they perceive to be of a higher socioeconomic class based on vocabulary or visual cues when in person. In your case, your dad knows you’re from the same class as him so he may have the added insecurity of feeling like you think you’re better than him for knowing words that he doesn’t – ie, getting above yourself. Keep using your vocabulary and when he complains, just tell him that’s part of what he’s been sending you to school for.
I’ve worked with people like that. I would just make a point to REALLY use uncommon words and when they said something say “Oh, sorry, I guess I do know a lot of words that you don’t.” I might even explain what the word meant.
Eventually they’d just become embarrassed and stop saying anything.
if you really enjoy to use sophisticated words use it
If you’re using the right word the right time then your dad’s being insecure. It anti-intellectual
If you’re using unnecessarily vociferous and erudite language and your dad is trying to tell you you’re being a dork.
It’s impossible for us to know which without handed objective recordings.
But here’s the thing. People hear you with their own voice. If they would be using that wording to talk down to people or make them feel inferior then they’re assuming you’re using that wording for the same purpose.
That tends to be a them problem more than a you problem.
So if your father is the kind of person who would try to dominate a conversation and prove himself Superior to other people then no matter what you’re doing he’s going to assume you’re trying to prove yourself superior to him.
If it’s your natural speaking patterns.
Note that this is an eternal problem. It happens to people in every generation. National side effect of just being raised with a different vocabulary or a different mindset or a different emotional or intellectual profile.
You’re only real choices to not let it bother you that it bothers him.
And in the final corner there is a sad truth that eventually fathers tend to believe their sons are coming for them. As each sin transition from being the child to the potential peer the father will either revel in the fact that his child is growing to outperform him and take it as a fatherly success, or the father will begin to get an inferiority complex, or the father will feel disappointment. Or often some combination of each of those things in different areas of life.
Reaching adulthood is it difficult time for the classic father son relationship.
I noticed that you’re going to have some of the same sensations from the other side. That impulse to tell your old man to suck it up because you’re just about done with his shit is part of the same psychological coming of age deal.
Frankly if we lived in a more tribal society this is about the point where you would undergo your trial of manhood officially move you out into the bachelor’s Hut or whatever and form a strong cultural demarcation that would get rid of this entire rough spot. But for whatever reason we have culturally neutered or lost that ritual in the west.
So we are all stuck with fiddling our way through it on an individual basis without the official celebration of status change that would make this difficult part be moot.
i could be wrong. it’s not the vocabulary. it’s the talk back. it’s expressing your idea. it’s showing your independence. your father might realize that you are becoming his peer and no longer his baby. to become his peer tho, you need to pay more attention to his ideas and his thoughts. in the meantime, showing him affection helps. when he acts like that again, say “i am still your son tho”
There are different discourses that you use in your life, like how you talk with your friends, parents, teachers, and even your principal.
It could be that you’re making your dad feel dumb when you use words he doesn’t fully understand what you’re saying, and he calls you names as a defence mechanism. It doesn’t make what he’s doing right at all.
You could dumb things down, but I suggest talking to him about it.
He’s given you some advice, and you haven’t taken it, and that’s tough for most parents to swallow. If your Dad plays BG3, I’m guessing he’s at least a little nerdy, and so intellect is part of his identity and sense of self-worth. He’s presumably used to his intellectual authority being a given, and your respective vocabularies are part of that dynamic. It sounds as though you were respectful in your rebuttal, the role shift is something he needs to learn to get over in his own time.
Say “actually dad, it’s DR Smartypants” 🙂
My mother did this to try and make me feel bad about being smart. My mother also used to pretend she knew the meaning of words in books when I asked but was too good to tell me so I would do as she said vs asking after a while and looked it up. I also have read the dictionary for fun (Oxford before anyone gets confused. It has word histories in it.)
This is him admitting he doesn’t have the vocabulary you do or the nuance on how to use the words he does know. This is entirely a him problem. I eventually started to respond to Mother with, “Is it? I thought it a perfectly normal word. How weird you don’t know it.” This will cause a fight but you are allowed to cast this as weird and pathetic behavior because it is. Choose wisely there because neither thing is a healthy relationship moment. You can also set a boundary about it. “When you say this it makes me feel less respect for you. Next time you do I will stop the conversation.” Phrase in your own words and only say the respect thing if it’s true and works for you.
I have no idea how jokey your dad is. Is he has a sense of humor, say something like “I’m always glad when I can teach you something new.”
If he’s not, then just ignore those comments. He’s obviously a little embarrassed that he doesn’t use or know those words himself.
your father is just projecting his insecurities onto you. This isn’t about you at all.
Nuance is a big word? I’d tell him, “wow, I’m sorry that I graduated 6th grade”
“Sorry I’ll try and dumb it down for you.”
My dad cannot accept that I might know things that he doesn’t, either. He is educated, too! He is one that absolutely refuses to be wrong so admitting someone else knows something he doesn’t – ESPECIALLY his own offspring, is incomprehensible.
Don’t stop. Dont limit yourself by the previous gen education. In Asia you have field workers putting their kid to college. First in family. Its ok.
In the US, the average reading ability for adults is 6th grade level. You obviously read at the 12th grade level.
He is intimidated because you are able to read at a higher level than he can.
My dad did the same. It was bad because I’m a nerd. always have been and had a crazy vocabulary as a teen. It got better when I moved out and surrounded myself with people like me (uni and work full of nerds). now my dad is the weirdo with the odd words (slang that isn’t used in my friend group). if he points out my words I point out his. it’s more of a friendly banter/running gag now.
But that is the kind that only grows with your independence. Knowing you talk on eye level and nobody has real power over the other.
As much as I hated this sentence when I was your age: it gets better with time.