So, yeah.. It was 3 days ago, my dad was an awesome person, there was so many people at hit funeral, so many, everybody loved him… He loved his family so much, he did everything he could to anyone, it is so hard to know he isn’t here anymore… Yesterday I got his phone and found a video of him, right before he did it, explaining what happened. I didn’t have the courage to watch until now and didn’t show it to anyone. In the video he said he cheated on my mom, that he was deceived, that he wasn’t sleeping well and couldn’t take the feeling of doing it to my mom anymore, that the only thing he could to ‘divorce’ her was this, he was saying sorry over and over again, I never saw my dad sad or crying before this video. It was good to know the reason but I don’t know if it was worth watching it… He did what he thought it was the best, he thought he was going to lose his family, he couldn’t take it… I’m not here to judge his reasons, I know that for me it was a silly thing, but to him, it was everything.. So, I don’t know, should I show it to my mom? She keeps trying to find a reason, nobody knows why, my dad lost his father, mother and brother the last 2 years, everyone is thinking it was because of it, my mom thinks she did something, that she was the reason, I want to show her she wasn’t, by I don’t know if she is going to take better knowing he cheated her one time… I don’t know, I am lost, it is so hard accepting everything and not have anyone to talk about that, I just need to know if I should show and if yes, when should I show it… It is so hard
My dad killed himself and left a video explaining why, should I show it to my mom?
r/Advice
Comments
I’m very sorry to hear about this.
For the moment, I would strongly suggest that you not share the video with anybody.
I imagine that your mom is going through profound grief, sadness and confusion.
In other words, she already has enough to think about and to make sense of.
There is no guarantee that showing her this video is going to make her feel any better. In fact, it might add to her confusion and make her feel worse about her loss.
Keep in mind that I am only speculating. No one can know with absolute certainty how she’s going to react.
In my very humble opinion, your mother would probably benefit from talking to a therapist of some kind about her grief. I think that you might benefit as well.
I’m not being judgmental, of course, rather, I am simply offering a suggestion for you and your family to process a shattering and devastating event in your lives.
If you do decide to get some sort of counseling, perhaps you could bring up the video in your discussion.
Please let me know if that makes sense.
I think however painful it may be to show the video I think it needs to be done. This is not your burden to carry alone. Your family especially your mother deserves to know the truth and this may give her some closure despite how much pain it may cause. You can’t expect your mother or your family to continue living their lives thinking they have done something wrong when in fact it was your father who made the mistake.
So sad to hear about your father. I think, could be wrong, but my take on this is perhaps wait a few weeks, then show it to your mother. It may bring the pain of losing your father back, but atleast she will know she was not to blame. THERE IS NOTHING as bad as hiding things from your own. Goodluck.
Give your father’s phone to your mother. It is hers now. Say something about the video or don’t – if she asks you about it later, you tell her the truth: that you just didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to hurt her more than a he’s already hurting. This isn’t your burden to carry, friend; this was your father, yes – but her husband. Just give her his phone. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I don’t think you show her. If she loves him and didn’t know he was cheating it will devastate her and she’ll carry that with her the rest of her life.
Take this to the grave
I’d leave the door open for her to confirm and consent to seeing it, if she wants to. I would tell her you gained access to his phone yesterday and there is a video on his phone expressing himself and maybe open up about how you felt about seeing it without giving details let her know that there’s topics brought up that might be hard for her to hear.
Don’t ask her if she wants to see it… I’d just let her advise if she wants to or not. She might not be ready for that
Oh honey. First: I’m so terribly sorry that you’re carrying this burden.
But…DO NOT share this video yet UNTIL you get advice from a trusted source who knows her well.
I don’t know how emotionally stable your mom is, but even Titans would be destroyed by a spouse’s suicide. She could have all sorts of reactions to this (I’m not saying any of these are TRUE. I’m just saying some women might think this way):
She could blame herself for being the kind of person that would cause her spouse to look for someone else and then kill himself rather than tell her.
She might become furious with the mistress and hunt her down, with very bad repercussions.
She might start a nasty feud with anyone who could’ve known.
She WILL spiral into an obsessive “what did she have that I don’t have? Why wasn’t I good enough? “
Now maybe she’s the kind of person who will feel better knowing all this so that it takes the sting out of his death. But maybe she isn’t.
TLDR: Talk to a trusted advisor who knows you both very well before you open Pandora’s Box.
I’m sorry for your lost.
I lost my father to suicide several years ago and never found a letter explaining why. I say show her the video.
Just keep in mind that the explanation and the sorry’s weren’t just said with his children in mind, I think he intended for your mom to see it. To record this video in a place he probably thought she would come across, in some ways, is like his dying wish. He wanted to tell the truth, but couldn’t face the pain he knew it would cause, knowing he was responsible for that pain.
I’m truly sorry for your loss and the fact that you are in this position, but I think the only right option here is to show her – it’s better than a lifetime of “What ifs” and “maybe”‘s
I think you need to show it to your mother needs a piece of rest and piece of her mind and rest to know why he did it you should show it to her.
I’m sorry you lost your father. But your mother needs to know that she’s not responsible. Your father feels the guilt of what he did and it was his choice to do what he did. (My condolences) yet again it was his decision. Please kindly and gently show your mom. It may hurt but she needs to see it.
Yes, show her. No knowing is much worse for her. She will obsess about why and think it was her.
Yes, please show her, she needs this closure.
If I was in her situation I would want to know the reason. It’ll hurt her beyond imagination but he recorded the video with the intend of her seeing it so I think that’s what you should do. I just don’t know when the timing would be ideal. Everyone takes loss differently. I hope you find the right moment.
You’re carrying so much, and the fact that you’re thinking carefully about your mom’s feelings shows how much love and strength you have, even in the middle of your grief. Whatever you decide, there’s no “right” answer just what feels most compassionate and honest in time. Please don’t carry it all alone if you can help it. You deserve support, too.
I’m very sorry you lost your dad. I guess the choice you have to make is whether your mother is capable of handling the truth. I’d say that right now, she isn’t. Grief counseling is necessary for you and your mom.
Your dad left this video on his phone. He knew that your mother would get the phone and see it. He wants her to see it. He purposely left it there so she would see it.