My dad touched my bra at night (follow-up)

Hi, internet mom and dad.

I was the woman who wrote about my dad touching my bra at night. I’m sorry this is such a mess.

Now I’m wondering how I should feel, because part of me still doesn’t know what emotions I’m allowed to feel without doing something wrong. (Is it too much to ask that you order me on what to feel? 😬😄)

And I keep thinking about various things he did, wondering how I should view those actions. How much of my seemingly good life was actually good? Like, when he forcefully touched me, was that fondling even though it wasn’t on my privates or was he somehow just being normal and he “switched on and off” being a pervert?

I know that doesn’t make sense. And I should probably know better since I’m twenty (had my birthday a week ago).

When I was around 14, I used to pretend to be asleep and would sometimes test to see if he was doing bad stuff on purpose. When it didn’t escalate, I got confused and wonder if there was a misunderstanding because a molester would have gone further.

My dad was in some aspects an ideal dad, and I hate it. He was pretty loving and affectionate. He spent time with me and listened to me for hours. He taught me life skills. He apologized for things he did wrong and asked me what he could do to be a better father. He’d remind me how I was privileged to have good parents and a good life compared to others.

My parents say that I’m letting the past color my perception, they did their best despite their mistakes, and I shouldn’t dwell on the past. My mom says he’s the right guy for her and that he’s a good person. She has mentioned there’s a rift between us and thinks it should/can be fixed. She’s also hurt that I’m not acting like myself because I’m not sweet and religious anymore.

It makes it more confusing and annoying when they do nice things for me, because I’m trying to keep boundaries but I also appreciate the favors. And then I feel guilty for anything I accept, because it’s hypocritical for me to accept things from them when I want to cut them off. But it’s extra complicated because I work with my parents, so I’ve contributed to family finances since I was little, so I feel like technically it’s my money too and I’m not freeloading.

It’s a messy situation. I’ve had a crazy life, and I’m trying to keep this short and simple and somewhat unbiased.

I wish what they did was worse and that they weren’t so nice so I could feel settled and validated and cut them off.