My dad went over my private dark notes yesterday

Im 19. someone robbed my phone yesterday

i was setting up my new one.  my dad said that he wanted to help me with the sim, so i said cool. he took the phone (iphone) to his room, and I saw in my mac that he was in the notes app, and what note entry he was in.

it was a personal “diary” with all my darkest stuff. it synced with iCloud so he read it.

I talked about my sexuality, my insecurities, my most intimate and dark stuff, many drug related things (psychedelics, ketamine, etc.). Everyone has that dark part to them but they keep to themselves, I tried to bring it to my conscious self. But super private stuff.

I saw it, I confronted him while he was doing it, he gave me my phone and panicked. He said “I didn’t read anything!!! i didn’t read!” kinda like when you see someone naked and you pretend you didn’t see their genitalia so it’s less awkward. He saw through my soul, through the darkest things.

I was super angry and also panicked because of what he read. I threw a tantrum and went to my room. This was 10 minutes ago.

I sent him this message (translated from spanish with gpt):

>You invaded my privacy. You saw things I never wanted anyone to see — about my private life, my sexuality, my most intimate thoughts. And instead of apologizing, you lied to me. Then you tried to make me believe I do the same to you, comparing it to seeing a notification pop up on your car screen — which only happened because of your own carelessness. How do you even have the nerve?

>I’ve never in my life gone through your personal things. I would never do that to someone I care about.

>You’re a terrible father — a coward and a sad man who avoids seeing his own mother and siblings, constantly traveling to escape your own reality, all while pretending it’s “for work.” I hope one day you realize what you’ve become. You’re disgusting and pathetic.

>I don’t want you to speak to me anymore.

He replied:

>Anon,

>I’m your father (the one you ended up with — for better or worse), and I want to apologize again. I know it was very wrong of me to look through your phone while I was helping you set up the eSIM and get things sorted with the carrier.

>It doesn’t justify anything, but I did it because I’ve been really worried about some of your recent behavior. I acted out of fear and confusion, trying to understand you (not to judge you), but I did it in a way that lacked the trust you deserve. I messed up — badly.

>It wasn’t the right way to go about it, and I recognize that. I’m not going to try to make excuses. I understand you’re angry and that you don’t want to talk to me right now.

>I just want you to know that I love you very much, and I’m here if you ever feel like talking.

>Dad

I blocked him. I understand he did it because he was worried about me. But he betrayed me. He could’ve just asked, and never did, you don’t sneak into someone’s mind. He worst of all gaslit me when I did it by saying that I do the same thing because one time there was a notification in his phone that I saw by accident in the CarPlay, due to his own negligence.

Worst thing is that I can’t leave, I depend on him. He never taught me any skills in my life and always made me depend on him. Every time I ever tried to do something in the house, in the kitchen, or whatever, he wouldn’t let me. Even when I proved myself to him. I travelled 3 months to Perú as soon as I finished high school (paid fully by myself, against his will) to prove that I can be independent. That was probably my only accolade in my life, and it was completely against his will. Otherwise I genuinely would have zero self-esteem in regards to my competence.

I also never had a one-on-one moment with him in my life, because he travels constantly. He says it’s for work (he works remote) but he just travels for leisure, goes to sports tournaments as spectator, goes skiing, etc.. He leaves his children by themselves with the domestic workers. One month he’s here, the other he isn’t. I was pretty much raised by unrestricted access to the internet. The rare instances where we’re together, he’s always in a rush and barely pays attention. This is not new, I remember having problems in both kindergarden and elementary school because I’d do anything to “call for attention”. In kingergarden i’d get naked for people to give me attention, and in elementary school I was the class clown for that very specific reason, though had few to no friends. Later in high school I kinda got my shit together by myself and thankfully forged a friend group, for better or worse. I still lack social skills but I’m better than before.

I live with him only because my mom is mentally ill, lives part-time in Italy with her boyfriend, takes clonazepam multiple times per day. So I understand that it’s hard to maintain a household by himself. Though, it’s worth saying that my mom became ill because of him, long story, but he’s extremely manipulative and never recognizes his shortcomings. His apology, trust me, means nothing because he continues to do the same things.

My younger brother is morbidly obese and my younger sister is going to the same path. I’m fine in that sense but I canalize my anxiety into other things, porn, music (usually with dark themes like Lou Reed, Daniel Johnston, Elliott Smith, Joy Division, Alice in Chains, The Smiths, Andrés Calamaro, tango music, among others), psychedelics (to understand why I’m suffering), food too (but I’m kinda bulimic), etc. so im not fat. I go to the gym, but eh. I don’t do that bad with women as you’d expect somehow but that’s just because 4 years ago I was obsessed with the manosphere and stuff like that (“blackpill”, “looksmaxxing”, etc.). I now don’t agree with those talking points but helped me understand “dating” or sexual dynamics better, somehow, and I “improved my looks”, so to speak.

>why don’t you leave?

I’m in college, thankfully, and it’s demanding. I can drop out but this is my only shot at independence. I also live close to my college. And there’s no such thing as dorms in my country. So if I move out and take a job, I wouldn’t have time for it.

edit: i dont want you to sugar coat things for me, call me out if needed. I know I may have not handled the situation in an ideal way. And I know all parents have their faults, but I think his “experiment” was a disaster. The marriage failed, the upbringing of his three children failed, etc. I really don’t see light in the end of the tunnel. Any advice is appreciated. I don’t want to drown in hatred.