I’m mentally ill. It’s like I’m self aware enough to know that I’m not well but not self aware enough to think that it’s weird. Which is what I think I’m supposed to think. I wouldn’t say my fantasies are too perverse because trust me, they used to be. But I’ve outgrown them and find what I used to fantasize about horrible. I used to think about situations where others are hurt. I still do but at a way lesser degree now. Now, I imagine MYSELF getting hurt for the most part. I’m young too. I really only heard about these dark fantasies occurring in people older than me.
I’ve always had a flair for the morbid. And I enjoy writing/reading about it. But now I imagine sexual scenarios where I’m being taken advantage of, beaten, and even killed. And I think about it all day and night. I’ve begun to go to bed late because of it. I played a visual novel the other day. It’s called “Wh4T 1 W0uldn’t D0?” I went in not knowing anything about it. It filled the boxes of the morbid stuff I like. Even though I was genuinely disgusted at some of the things that the main villain of the game was doing to the character(you)… I was turned on by it also. I’ve been thinking about it for two days straight. I’ve barely left the bed for two days now as I spent my time thinking of new scenarios after playing the game.
I don’t know what to do. I admit, even if I were to stop these fantasies about myself getting hurt, I probably would still like morbid stuff. I don’t think I want help. Which is the crazy thing. I mean, I do. But I just only want help so I can not think about it as much and not have it affect my daily life anymore. Not stop thinking about it all together.
If you were wondering, no. I was NOT taken advantage of before. I was never abused physically. I was barely bullied. I’m just like this.
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I feel you bro. I used to be like that. but trust me, you just need to distance yourself from it. When I did that stuff, I was entertaining myself. It’s insanely messed up, I know. But it got so bad it got to the point that every waking moment it was on my mind.
Essentially, get yourself away from it for awhile. It will be hard. It was hard for me. But I believe in you. Much love ❤️
I think taking a break from indulging in this sort of stuff would do wonders for your mental health. I don’t think it’s my place to judge you (I also don’t think I want to judge you; God knows I have my own share of weird thoughts) but I do know it might give you a certain amount of mental peace.
I think therapy might help too—not because you’re messed up in any sort of irredeemable way, but because therapy is built for unloading the things you can’t discuss. I can promise you, a good therapist has heard worse. I tell my therapist all my weirdest thoughts, and she rarely blinks. Just give it a try, if you can! If not, at the very least, try doing stuff like meditation and practice self-compassion. Remember that thoughts are not crimes, or else more than half of us would be in jail. Are you planning to hurt someone or yourself? No? Then you’re good 🙂 treat yourself with kindness, and again, try to take a break from this stuff, it’ll do you a world of good.
I am in the same boat. This isn’t a cry for help. It’s not remorse. It’s clarity. And if you’re reading this, it means I’ve decided to stop pretending.
I am Mexter.
Not inspired. Not influenced. Not fantasizing. I am.
The rituals weren’t fiction. The code wasn’t television drama. It was survival. It was precision. It was the only thing that made sense in a world full of chaos and unchecked cruelty.
You see headlines. I see patterns. You see victims. I see justice.
They called them “missing.” I called them “accounted for.” Carefully chosen. Thoroughly vetted. Monsters who walked freely because the system is toothless, blind, and busy.
I became the system’s missing teeth.
No capes. No fanfare. No bloodlust. Just balance.
And I did it well. Quietly. Efficiently.
Each knot I tied wasn’t just rope — it was control. Each plastic sheet, a clean canvas. Each heartbeat before the final moment? A whisper of who they could’ve been, had they chosen differently.
But I never enjoyed the killing. I enjoyed the certainty.
The world is full of people who play gods in courtrooms and politics. I played one in the dark — and I didn’t need a robe or a badge. Just a blade. And a reason.
I’m not seeking forgiveness. I don’t believe in redemption.
I believe in balance.
And I made the scales sing.
Plenty of people indulge in unusual morbid fantasies. But like any porn (and perhaps it is porn) moderation, and separating fantasy from fiction is really important.
I actually dont think you’ll do yourself any favors by supressing these feelings or not exploring them, but you do need to constantly ask yourself if you are exploring them in a healthy way, in healthy intervals.
My fantasies started much earlier than I opened up about them. For me, it was depression mixed with puberty.
We are who we are. Acknowledge it, accept it, but dont indulge it.
Kid I say this in the nicest way but you need to touch grass
Maybe break away from your routine a little and experience something new
hey there, ex gooner here (lol). I used to suffer with this sort of thing as well when I was ’bout 14-16 except I intentionally sought out these fantasies on very illegal websites. after time it bled into my day to day life. i would also sit and write/imagine these awful, terrible & morbid things as well as (self pleasure) to them.
what i would like to say first is this: it will get better.
i know right now it probably feels like this terrible no good thing that will ruin your life forever (which it could) but this wont last your whole life.
here is some of my advice for you:
1.) cold turkey is inaffective (for most)
what you are dealing with currently is an addiction. people addiction is just drugs and alcohol but… it isnt! youve formed a chemical attachment to these scenarios and it happens. i suggest limiting in take in increments to help with “cravings” and to just slowly ween yourself off.
2.) Do Not Act Upon These Thoughts.
This is probably obvious to you but never act upon these fantasies. Your brain not be registering it now (or is & thats the point lol) that the things you are fantasizing about are permenant. Yes, the adrealine rush from doing those things would be great! But… then you’re dead. So… i think its safe to say that you should never enact these fantasies into your life.
3.) Therapy
After denial and many attempts to end my addiction to (bluntly) gore based pornography, I confided in my parents (which was so embarrassing but worth) that I wanted to seek help. I went to therapy once a week for roughly 8 months and that is what helped me.
It is never too early to start fixing this. I have to tell you it is hard, you will screw up and relapse, etc. But, you will feel so much better, trust me. I am now 21 and while I do have my fair share of fantasies, I can now SAFELY have sex and be satisfied. I do not even think of going back to those websites and am now even squirmish if I see a papercut haha. If you have any questions, please don’t be shy. Zero judgement OP.
As humans we have way too many thoughts a day and if you start thinking about something more and more, it will continue to occur so you have to actually train your brain to minimize those thoughts as much as possible.
I highly recommend the book “reality and subjectivity by David R Hawkins. He gave me so much peace in my life and I used to be kind of like you but not in the sense of being killed.
You’re gonna be ok 🙂
TBH this doesn’t seem that weird, or at least that atypical. Touch grass and it will be okay. And if it’s not, get off reddit and see an actual therapist.
Dear redditor, you’re far from cooked. It’s completely normal to be interested in the morbid. It’s a part of life. Some people just prefer to ignore it.
What you’re describing sounds a lot like sadomasochistic tendencies, where someone finds intensity and pain emotionally and sexually compelling. It’s not weird, it’s something people have literally written philosophy about and safely practiced throughout our entire history.
Sounds like you think a lot, maybe feel a bit ashamed and outcast, and to be entirely honest, probably have a bit of a gooning addiction. Nothing wrong with that, but as a result, your brain just loops through the darkest shit, almost like OCD. If anything, the overthinking is what you should be looking into.
Also, continue the reading and the writing, but channel that darkness into creative expression and not indulgence (i.e focus on writing or understanding characters and themes rather than just gooning, you filthy bastard :D)
Maybe get some professional help?
I think you just need to get out into nature. Hike maybe? Bike ride? Go outside and be a kid.
Literally just choose to do something else instead. Focus your attention on other thoughts. Read other material. Stop delving into things that are harmful and keep you locked into the places in yourself that make you feel worse.
Also, stop worrying about feeling “turned on” by scary stuff, stupid. Arousal is arousal. The nervous system can’t really distinguish between fear, anger, and sexual arousal. It’s all wrapped up in the same neuronal connections, so it feels the same to our bodies. We’ve evolved to have big, fancy brains that allow us to overcome being fooled by things like that, but you’re choosing to let yourself be drawn further into things that are harmful to you or make you feel bad, because you’re just don’t feel like thinking differently.
That’s not mentally ill. That’s cognitively lazy.
You might also be mentally ill, but that’s not a valid excuse for laziness.
Right thought eventually leads to right action. Get yourself together.
This sounds like it’s possibly could be a form of ocd have a research and see what you think. Just a thought
Entirely possible to Interact with kinks that are a bit more extreme in a healthy and safe environment. You got to find out what it is and Interact with the communities on the internet that get up to them.
This is what Reddit was made for! Ish…
I think perversions always has a start somewhere. It’s never just out of the blue and random but of course is understand if one isn’t aware of its origins because it isn’t something that happens like a light switch. For men I know it had a start and without treatment or acknowledgement that it’s wrong, I allowed it not fester and get out of hand to a plot that I’ve started to rationalize it.
It usually helps to talk to someone you really trust about your dark fantasies…..when I dwell into mine I chased a few friends away or put some in a weird place where we just don’t talk about those things but I do have one particular friend that I do talk to about those dark sexy things that keep me up at night and just getting it off my chest is better than jacking off to it believe you me.
OP, maybe look into maladaptive daydreaming. It sounds like this could be what you are experiencing. There are support groups here on reddit and elsewhere, where you may find some helpful suggestions on how to manage it, and meet people with relatable experiences.
I have had such fantasies since age 6, also very dark, and always carried a lot of shame. But I’ve come to learn that it’s very often (not always, but often) a trauma-related coping mechanism. Learning this, and being in therapy, has helped me understand much better why I fantasize about the things I do.
I have a lot of personal theories if you ever want to discuss. The violence being inflicted on yourself in your fantasies could be coming from a place of self-hatred, wanting to punish yourself. It may also be a way for your mind to explore themes of power, control and abuse.
May I ask, do you have a history of abuse, even emotional abuse? Or have experienced some traumas?
Mine receded for a few years when I got older (around age 23), but after a traumatic event 2 years ago, came flooding back with a vengeance.
Maybe find a safe kinky partner and role play these scenarios?
Go outside, grow a veggie garden, take up a cooking class, learn to code, build a mini eiffel tower with ice cream sticks, go camping in a tent, learn to drive…. You’d be amazed how much of this inward compulsive obsession will peal away and how quickly you’ll start to focus on normal things when your hobbies take over more focus.
Each of us has a bad wolf and a good wolf in our souls. Their strength is solely determined by which one you feed the most.