This week was my Birthday – after a whole day celebrating, I was waiting at a bus stop to go home when a guy approached me. I was quite impressed by his confidence so I gave him the time of day. Initially, I thought he was attractive, softly spoken, somewhat interesting and confident. I had a wonderful Birthday so it was just a bonus that a hot guy approached me! I was in a particularly giddy mood as I can’t believe I made it to 33 (I have health issues so it’s just a bonus I am in relatively good health this decade so far). We made plans to meet up the next day as he was flying back to the States.
On our date, he seemed kind, funny, interesting. We just went for a coffee in a park and chatted for hours. I thought we had a great connection – so much so, he even moved his flight to next week so he could spend more with me which I was touched by.
When he was trying to amend his flight, a conversation with a friend of his popped up and I could see a photo of me that he must have found online. I asked him what he’d said to his friend but he suddenly got really shy and didn’t want to share it, citing that it was embarrassing. I thought he said something complimentary. How wrong I was. After drinks at a hotel bar, he asked me to go for dinner. I declined initially but I thought “OK since he’s not going to be in the country for longer”. At dinner, I pressed him on what he told his friend the night we met.
Cue my shock when I read that he’d said to his friend that apparently I seemed “slightly lower class but intellectual”.
I was obviously so shocked and winded. He said that on my BIRTHDAY! The night we met. He also said I “had a huge ass”. His friends arrived that same minute. I confronted him in front of his friend and his friend’s girlfriend as they arrived at our table who looked as shocked as I felt. I left immediately.
Now an in the wrong? I think I stood up / showed up for myself and have enforced boundaries going forward that I’d prefer if I could cut communication. We had plans to meet today but tbh I don’t think I want someone like that in my life. I don’t want an unkind, classist partner not now and not ever. I also got diagnosed with a life-limiting disability so I do want someone who is empathetic, kind, patient and won’t mock me for being “low class”. It also doesn’t help that my contract ended last month so he thinks even less of me that I don’t have a job right now.
Just to confirm, I wasn’t insulting to waiters / wait staff, I didn’t spit, I didn’t get violently drunk (I didn’t even drink!). I just had a matcha latte in a park with him, non-alc drinks at a hotel bar and was heading to dinner to meet his friends. Not sure what’s so low class about that? Not that I need to defend myself but I went to two excellent universities, I read books, am interested in other cultures/cuisines, go to art galleries and exhibitions and treat people as kindly as I can (if they’re a cleaner or a CEO).
He then spent the entire evening trying to rationalise what he said over WhatsApp, citing that the meaning “low class” differs in the UK to the USA. But does it? Being unkind and lacking respect is the same the world over. He did apologise but IMO I would have had more respect for him if he’d actually said “I said something hurtful and judged you without getting to know you and I don’t stand by that”.
I should mention I’m a woman of colour and he’s white but not sure how much that plays a role in this.
Comments
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To be charitable: he is chasing status point, and scoring women within his social status bracket or higher is a means to brag.
He liked you and wanted to have a short affair, and he wanted to brag about his success, but he is also worried about his status. Quite a lot of men will secretly enjoy the women they are attracted to, but aim for the point-scoring partner.
You are absolutely right to be hurt in the sense that he sees you first as a bunch of opportunities that he navigates, vs a real person he has fun with.
I think the fact he cold approached you and he did this are connected.
He’s “negging”- cold approaches and negging are established pick-up artist tactics. Pick-up artists advocate keeping women insecure by throwing little insults into the conversation. Google “pick-up artists negging”, it’s a whole thing.
It was disrespectful and I’m glad you stood up for yourself. What a classless prick!
Tell him to get in the fuckin sea.
Only people without any class would refer to someone else as “low class” (unless it was in reference to embarrassing behavior like yelling at serving staff in a restaurant or getting drunk and sloppy in public). Him being a pretentious prick has nothing to do with you and it is very lucky for you that you never have to speak to or see him ever again!
You dodged a massive asshole. You are 100% right in being hurt and have handled the situation well.
Also you can’t tell someone’s class by a picture, and I say that as someone who lives in a class obsessed country.
Sounds like a scene from a book 😂
Hmm… At first I thought his “low class” comment was silly but then he mentioned your ass and he lost me there. Objectifying someone is wrong, period.
He sounds nice but it’s hard to look past the specific comments he made over text. When you mentioned you are a woman of color and he’s white.. it kinda made sense. He was probably looking down on you and making stereotypical assumptions but found to his surprise that you’re “intellectual”.
If I am being honest I would’ve waited, digged a little further, and maybe talked to him about it privately. However, everyone’s tolerance and boundaries differ. Therefore good on you for not accepting that kind of behavior. You know what you want so don’t budge!
Postponed his international flight at a drop of a hat, did he? To the United States? I call bogus on all of it. I think for all you know he might be a methhead living under a bridge. You don’t know this man. You met him in less than 24 hours. He was trying to neg you and god knows what might have happened during the rest of the evening. I wouldn’t care what he has to say. His opinion is useless.
You are a woman of color and he called you low class? he was a racist too. And I don’t think the meaning changes much across the pond either.
Block that man and don’t take men you have just met opinions to heart.
You’re not in the wrong. This guy is an asshole and looks down on you. No great love story (or even harmless joyful fling) can come from this.
Speculating about someone’s economic background is just weird and rude.
I’m sorry you had such a letdown!