I’m a 40 year old mom, and my 8 year old daughter recently started competitive gymnastics. She loves the sport and works so hard. I was really hopeful this would be a fun, team-building experience for her a chance to make friends, learn confidence, and just enjoy being part of something.
But unfortunately, it’s been the opposite.
The girls on her team have been excluding her since day one. They ignore her during group activities, leave her out of conversations, and act like she’s invisible. She’s sensitive and kind, always trying to include others, and it’s heartbreaking to see her trying to connect and just being shut out.
What’s worse is that I’ve been getting the same treatment from the other moms. I’ve gone out of my way to be warm and friendly, asking about their kids, making small talk, trying to build a sense of community, but I’ve been met with cold stares, short replies, or no acknowledgment at all.
We are not trying to force friendships or insert ourselves where we are not wanted. We are just trying to have a good experience. I was a kind, sensitive kid too, and I know how painful it is to be excluded. I eventually learned to act tougher just to protect myself, but I really do not want my daughter to feel like she has to do the same.
I have asked close friends if I come across as off putting without realizing it, and they say no. They think I am just dealing with a group that is not open or welcoming. But still, it is hard not to take it personally when both of us are being left out.
We are not asking for best friends, just some basic kindness and maybe a little camaraderie. I want this to be a good memory for her, not something that slowly chips away at her confidence.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? How do you protect your child’s spirit without letting your own old wounds get in the way?
Comments
Have you talked to the coaches / trainers? Are you new to the area? Does your daughter have friends at school? Are these girls at your daughter’s school?
These things are always hard and it’s worse when they bring back memories of one’s own schooldays / childhood, but you’re being supportive of your daughter and that’s the best you can do TBH 🙂
Gymnastics can unfortunately sometimes have that Mean Girls/Dance Moms kind of energy, where the parents push the kids to be the best, at the cost of the kids’ happiness (and often health too), which also makes new faces into potential rivals rather than friends. This carries over to the kids, who are mirroring their parents’ energies.
I used to do gymnastics and was constantly othered as a kid because I didn’t want to be competitive, I just wanted to have fun doing a sport. My mother struggled with the gym and the other parents there too.
You can try talking with management to see if there are other classes she could join, or if they have any suggestions for the social attitudes. But honestly, if the kids and parents going to play Mean Girls and exclude you and your daughter, it might be worth it to just go to a different gym if you can. I wish we had when I was a kid. I ended up going with several different sports before I found one suited to me and one where I could make friends with the other kids.
We switched to team sports. My daughter made no friends in gymnastics and we still vacation with softball friends.
My daughter started about that age and made it through to graduation, the stats on gymnasts that follow through until senior year of HS is like 7%. Gymnastics is one of the most grueling sports, these kids sacrifice their lives for this sport and it’s not worth staying in a toxic environment. Overly competitive parents, which again is a joke, bc the majority of these girls won’t make it past level 5, if they’re not being supportive now, you don’t want to be there.
I will say what you’re experiencing isn’t the norm. My daughter has trained at one gym throughout her career, but has trained at other gyms over summers since her youth. All have been super welcoming. Not all of the girls have been great, you’ll always get that, but some gyms can be very toxic and that’s the sign of shitty coaches, coaches that don’t step in when there’s bullying, mothers that pit their daughters against her teammates. It’s best to get her out of that environment now. Good luck. DM if you want.
>My 8 year old recently joined competitive gymnastics.
>I was hoping it would be fun, team building experience.
That’s the issue right there. You joined COMPETITIVE gymnastics. The other girls are competing. They are there to learn and focus, not necessarily have fun. Sure, they probably do have fun and are enjoying themselves, but it’s still competitive at its core.
Join something for fun, not something that’s training the kids.
When you say competitive gymnastics, do you mean like she’s actually on a level 4 or 5 team within the USAG umbrella? Or like she used to be at a small local gym that only did lessons for kids under 12 or so, and is now at a larger gym where they hold small competitions with other local gyms for kids still in development but who haven’t yet made it onto the official teams?
I was a competitive gymnast for 11 years, but I was only on USAG teams for a few years of that. The vibe is very different. It’s a lot more serious. It can also be a lot more cliquey for when people made the team and when. It also can be broad in age ranges. Your 8 year old probably isn’t going to click with the 6 year olds or the 10-12 year olds.
Honestly, competitive sports can be that way. If you wanted something that was based on group activities and making friends then maybe try a scout club. My daughter did GS from 7 to 12 and still talks about it now at 15.