I 39m was last person to hold my 7w daughter. Before finding her dead next to me on the couch.
When I found out we were having another child, so close in age to my first born. I was nervous, we were barely getting by. But I always wanted more than one kid, when I found out I was having another girl, I accepted I’d be a girl dad. And so the planning began.
We had got rid of all of our first daughters everything. Stroller, car seat, pack and play, all the things. So we had to get all that again. Yikes. It was stressful.
Our birth plan flew out the window the last week of the pregnancy, she was breach, and we had to do a topical inverse maneuver?. Which worked but then she flipped again . And we had to go emergency c. 2nd scariest moment in my life. as they cart my wife and team away to surgery, leaving me in the waiting room.
The longest 5 minutes of life had passed and was whisked away to the scrub room. I walk in to my wife in surgery and her pleading to me to go and check on our newly arrived baby. A healthy girl. We named her Phoenix.
We go home. started the routine, add our first born. 2yo who wasn’t really expecting a another baby in the mix.
Those weeks. Those 7 weeks, were the hardest, stressful, draining, awesome, exhausting, self doubted, most beautiful weeks. Fuck I was tired.
My wife recovering from emergency surgery, did what she could. But the recovery was hard for us. Our first born didn’t like the attention Phoenix was getting. So it was my job to handle the toddler. All day. And night. You know . Diapers, food, naps, baths, bed. And I also changed phoenixs diapers in between.
My mother came in from out of town to help us. And she was a god send for us. I loved she was here to help us. She’s clean up for us. Made food. Watched our first while we went shopping with Phoenix . Just whatever we needed.
My wife started getting postpartum which happened with our first as well. So she had a hard time with both girls Shed pump breast milk but couldn’t keep up with phoenix appetite.
This all was fine, I was burning both ends of the candle though, I’d do all the toddler stuff and get her bed and come out and try and spend time with Phoenix, for my wife when mom went to bed.
Which leads me to the night. The night my life fell apart. The night I can’t get out of my head. The night that haunts me. . .
It Was like any other night. I made dinner, I made a bath for the first born, did story time, layed down with her, cause since we got a toddler bed I had to stay till she fell asleep. And of course I always fall asleep too. Trying to catch zzzs where ever I can. I wake up at 1030 pm. Go outside smoke a bowl. And a ciggerette. I come in and Phoenix just got fed my mom said to me as I walk in. She’s in the pack and play. My mom said as she went to bed. That’s were she slept as both my wife and I slept on the couch. .
Phoenix and my wife had been fighting a head cold for days, so we been trying to suck the snot out so she could breath better. .and so Phoenix is obviously not in a great mood, and whiney while in the pack and play so she likes to be held. She was nick named Velcro. So. I. Grab. Her. Feed her. And. Lay her on my chest. While I lay on the couch. This is around 11pm.
She lay face down on my chest. Like any other night really. Though, I fall asleep too. This time. My wife sees us both asleep, she thinks to her self that she should grab her and put her back in the pack and play. But she thinks aww she’ll be fine for a few more minutes. My wife falls asleep.
1230am. I wake up startled, but normal for me as I wake up a lot during the night to drink water or eat.. I pop up from the couch. I wake my wife who’s adjacent from me also sleeping.
We lock eyes as I get up and she turns and sees our daughter face down. She rushes over and grabbed her. She’s limp. She yelps. She turns her over and she’s grey. Her face mostly. With white vomit on her face. She screams frantically, I turn and look. And we rush her to the kitchen Table.
I tell my wife to call 911 and she screams for my mom.
I grab phoenix from her and she’s warm, limp, and unresponsive. . I know CPR. I’ve taken the fucking class 15 times for certs.
I start CPR. Chest compressions. And mouth to mouth.. I remember thinking, you know how to do this. You can bring her back. You have to.
I blow air into her chest and do compressions which feels like I’m crushing her. No response. I continue. I pump her chest. Vomit erupted from her noise and mouth. I gasp. She’s breathing! I think. I lower my head. She isn’t. I open her eyes. She’s. gone. I continue, but she’s gone. . Medics come whisk my wife and I while I’m total shock outside. She’s gone.
We lost our Phoenix. She die in my arms. . I fell asleep with her in my arms. And I killed her.
I want to die. Everyday. I was suppose to protect her. .
They say it wasn’t my fault. everyone’s just being nice. So I don’t leave my first daughter without a dad.
But one day I’ll have to tell her why she doesn’t have a little sister. And I dread that. I don’t know if I can be the father my first daughter deserves to have.
Why did I fall asleep. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. Im the protector. ..
I’m crushed. And it’s hard for me to be ok. Everyone asked me if I’m ok. And I don’t want to answer. I go to the store and they ask how’s your day, should I lie.. I don’t want to lie. I want to say I want to die because I think I killed my daughter. But I can’t die because my first daughter deserves a father.
Update:
We’re coming up on a year since phoenix died. Of course I think of her everyday, her birthday was hard enough. It took 10 months. For the medical examiner to give me a cause of death. She had the rhyno virus . Which is the common cold. The cause of death was sids. Though the answer doesn’t help anything for me or my family. My daughter is now almost 3. I don’t think she remembers her. But knows of her. As we talk about her, when she catches us crying. So now she says that when shes sad. It Hurts me alot.
We found out we are pregnant with another baby and I’ll be the first to say how scared I am for anything like this to ever happen again. I feared the baby was going to be a girl. I don’t want to lose/ mistake the few memories I have her. . It’s a boy. Due. Very soon. I worry about my wife.. I’m on antidepressants, and feel better. I’m trying to feel better. I quit smoking cigs. And very soon I’ll be cutting back on weed. But my wife is stuck in a weird way where she doesn’t notice she’s depressed, or does but can’t get out. and won’t try anything to change. And I worry about it . She gets mad at me when I harp on her to change. Maybe that should a different post entirely. This is all I’ve posted ever and I’m never on this.
The comments almost took me. I went in a hole. Luckily I have the support I have. Or it could have got me.
And as opposed to popular opinion, I’m a good dad. I could never give up on myself knowing my daughter needs her father. As she’s been the only thing to mend my broken heart.. she’s excited for her brother. So am I. I sigh* as I say that because I wish Phoenix was here. I see kids, siblings at parks the same age as my two. And it hurts a lot to think about still. . I hope to spend everyday trying to prove to my kids that I deserve to be their guardian. Their protector.
Not sure why I came to look at this post. I didn’t have any intention to update or read more comments. Maybe I’m ready to read more. Maybe I wanna feel like shit again for a bit. My first borns birthday is next week. Then phoenix’s death the week after. Then my birthday. Guess emotions are stirring.
Comments
Stop smoking weed. When you start doing a drug, you stay the same age. Stop smoking weed, you’re not helping yourself. I guarantee you’ll be a better father.
Sending you some good vibes and encouragement. You’re a good dad. I’m really sorry this happened to you and your family. Take care of yourself OP
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
Please see therapy and stop the weed. Your family deserves you at full capacity.
So sorry for your loss. Can’t imagine how that must feel, especially for your wife.
But …who the hell smokes pot and puts a 7 week old baby on their chest and sleeps!! It’s a suffocation risk! You already had a 2 yo and you didn’t know that? I won’t have written this but there’s another baby on the way. Please learn basic safety and potential suffocation risks before he arrives. And FFS don’t think of taking the easy way out. Be there for the boy. For the toddler. For your wife. Accept the tragedy, learn from it, don’t smoke. Everyone is exhausted with a new baby, sleep is inevitable, putting the baby in a proper bed is a no brainer. It’s not why I fell.asleep, it’s why did I smoke pot before and why didn’t me or wife put the baby on the bed.
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Vasectomy and no màs weed
I remember reading this a year ago. I can’t imagine the grief you’ve experienced. My comment will be focused on one part of what you wrote though because it is extremely important.
What I’m about to say may sound harsh but in the best interest of your incoming baby and your toddler: If you are having another child and are still smoking weed, you need to quit YESTERDAY. I really hope you’ve learned from your past mistakes but the fact you haven’t quit smoking yet makes me nervous for your new child.
Do not bed share or sleep on the couch with the baby. Do NOT lay down with the baby at all ever for any reason, even if you think you’re fine and awake enough. As someone who already had a child die from sleep practices, I would NOT even attempt to try safe sleep 7 either, you will need to rely on other people if you are too drained and the baby won’t stay sleeping in a crib or pnp. The first time this occurred, it was a horrible tragedy but I can tell you if anything like this happens again, you will be likely to suffer legal consequences on top of the emotional consequences. This is why I am stressing you CAN NOT lay down with the baby at all regardless of how energetic you feel.
Idk what you mean by your partner/wife won’t change but if it’s anything that you think could cause risk to either child, you need to step up and get her help. And if she begins to experience PPD, anxiety, mania, psychosis, etc you need to be prepared to get her help. Which leaves you to take care of the children alone… so…
…You also need to have additional help available. Yes you had your mother before but apparently even that wasn’t enough. So you need to be prepared to pay for outside help. And recognize that you get what you pay for in terms of child care. Make sure whoever you ask to help has great references and experience with children the age of whoever is being watched by them. If your wife is due soon, you should have the help lined up ASAP (like before the birth).
I personally couldn’t imagine having another kid after having gone through what your family did, but to be fair, I probably wouldn’t have made it this long after my child died so I’m glad you’ve made it but this time, you need to be prepared. Your children are counting on you. Quit the weed (And if either of you drink, you need to not do that either), get help lined up, etc. Good luck. Wishing your family and your kids the best!
jfc, im so sorry that happened to you man. I rememeber a couple of times with my infant it could of got scary. Wish you all the bst for future.
I’m sorry this happened to you and your family. Honestly you seem to both be going into this birth more concerning then the last in terms of your mental health. If your wife previously suffered from Post Partum issues but this time is already suffering with depression BEFORE the Post Partum phase I would be concerned that she is at a higher risk. I would be focusing on aligning as much post birth support as possible, this phase was a struggle for you both previously, don’t let it be again. And stop smoking weed now.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss. It must be incredibly hard for you all.
I know how easy it is to fall asleep with a baby when you’re not intending to, as the early days exhaustion can be brutal.
When my son was newborn, my husband had just fed him and accidentally fell asleep for a very short time and woke up with our baby face down in his arm-thankfully he was fine but learned how easily it can happen.
Sending love
I’m sorry you came for support and got basically nothing but put down. Had you posted in some type of support group, you’d probably get alot of “you can do it”. There’s 2 sides of reddit and everyone picks a bandwagon to jump on. Unfortunately in this case, no one is offering support even though a child has been lost. Even though your wife could have moved the baby as well, but everyone is so upset about the weed🙄 It doesn’t change the outcome, SIDS is not predictable. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m glad you have taken steps to better yourself. Don’t let anyone take that success from you, not everyone is able to quit bad habits cold turkey. I believe in you, and your family does too. Stop playing the blame game and start healing. And stop looking at this post , I am absolutely fucking disgusted you’ve poured your heart out and these better than everyone people want to stomp on it. Have some fucking empathy people. I wish you and the family well. Everything happens for a reason, even though we may never know the reason.
I am shocked anyone said anything other than the most grievous empathy. I pray you and the new kiddo have a beautiful life. Wifey is just processing differently than you. Let her have her space.
Be well and have a blessed life.
It’s not your fault OP shit like this just happens sometimes it could have been anyone. I can only imagine the pain you feel that kind of loss never really goes away but you learn how to carry it with time and it does get better. Take care of yourself man.
You got this! You are blessed to have another beautiful baby! I would focus on both of your mental health for you and your wife. Get your mom to come stay again to help for a bit after the baby’s arrival. I know a lot of people who only allow the baby to sleep in their own baby proof beds with no blankets or pillows. None the less everyone has fell asleep with their little one in their arms due to them being tired. It’s not your fault. That sweet angel was sick. Your first is a little older so this time you guys will not be as tired. You’re a great dad. If not you would not be going through what you are going through mentally. It’s absolutely devastating what you went through and I’m sorry. But that does not make you any less of a good dad. Hold your head op and get excited you are having another baby!!! That is a blessing from God.
Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry for your loss. It isn’t your fault, I promise. Sometimes these things can happen, but it’s nobody’s fault. Much love to you and yours 💕
I have two babies, but the second one was meant to be a twin. When I lost the second twin, someone told me “maybe they were needed elsewhere” and I choose to believe he or she was really needed somewhere else, and not think that it was something I did wrong as their mama.
Please, you are not at fault, and I know it’s not the same, but I feel you 💕
That’s awful and truly my worst nightmare. It was an awful mistake. But I’m still hung up on why in the world would you get rid of all the expensive baby stuff if you knew you wanted another kid?!
I’ve been a little upset about my 8 week old finally learning to sleep in the bassinet – I’ve been missing her snoozing in my arms especially when she’s upset about not. Thanks for this post for reminding me it’s for her safety no matter how upset she gets at me.
I’m so sorry this happened. Child loss and the grief you experience from it is a beast. The experience is also so isolating bc it’s not a loss everyone goes through, it’s never one you ever expect to go through and nobody really knows what to say. You’re never going to be the same person you were before the loss of your daughter. The grief may get easier to handle but it will never be easy.
If you haven’t already, there’s a subreddit called r/babyloss and r/pregnancyafterloss. They have been helpful for me and the communities are very supportive. Grief counseling and reproductive therapy have been helpful for us too.
This isn’t my business and we all grieve differently, but if you are smoking weed, I can think it would be worth considering taking a break or slowing down. Sometimes we choose certain substances to numb us from everything we are feeling and eventually those substances can become a maladaptive coping mechanism and we don’t process our emotions as a result. Not smoking may make your emotions much more intense now but I personally think it’s better for the long run. I’ll get off my soap box now.
If you ever need to talk, please message me. You and your wife are not alone ❤️
Really heartbreaking what you and your wife have had to go through. Im sure there are all kinds of crazy emotions and anxiety that will come with another baby. I wish you and your wife the best. Enjoy your son and this 2nd chance.
You got kids. Quit the drugs brother. Time to man up. Sorry for the loss. That’s heartbreaking. This is why we need to do everything for them. No matter what.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 2nd born, Brian James at 13 weeks from SIDS…That was 1/13/1990 and I still miss my handsome little man. Sending lots of love to you & your family. (PS—SIDS is NOT your fault!)❤️
I remember your first post 10 months ago. It was awful. With your new baby practice safe sleep practices and don’t smoke a bowl before sleeping with them.
Just remember your daughter needs you to be the best parent you can be. And your son will need the same.
I work Peds. Everyone thinks it would never happen to them…until it does. I know it won’t really help to hear this but you need to find a way to let go of the self blame. It wasn’t your fault and you’re doing your best for your other children. She’ll always be a part of you, even if she’s not here anymore. I’m sorry for your loss
You just gotta move forward. Time can heal you. Keep doing therapy, and since the ME said it was SIDS, understand that you couldn’t have done anything anyway.
As for the weed, I occasionally like to get high, and I enjoy drinking as well. Nothing wrong with that. But not when on duty. If I want to go out drinking with my buddies, I make sure that my wife is on duty, not me.
I remember the old post, you got ripped a new ass about smoking the weed & falling asleep with your baby. I’m terribly sorry that happened to you, that doesn’t deserve to happen to anyone.
Be strong. And its going to be ok.sending my best wishes and luck.
OP, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself, and your family. 🫂🫂
‘Why did I fall asleep?’
You smoked ‘a bowl’ whilst being exhausted and caring for your 7 week old baby. How did you think that would go.
Sorry and my heart goes out to you doesn’t do any justice… but I truly am… I can almost imagine the pit of despair that you feel. New born exhaustion is soooo real though. Its crushing… you want to do all the things but when sleep takes you its so intense. Goodness gracious… deep sighs. Thinking of you and your story is gonna sit with me. Im hoping you have forgiven yourself…
No one deserves this man. I’m so sorry. You were doing your best and were ran thin af. Smoking the bowl didn’t help, but it didn’t cause this to happen either.
We are human.
I too had a similar situation to yours and I know the torment you go through ❤️ I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so fucking sorry.
I lost mine to sids in 2016 it was awful I still feel bad sometimes for enjoying myself if I’m happy it feels like the wrong emotion because how can I be happy without my baby.
STOP smoking weed. Your wife needs your support and you need to be 100% sober.
Hope you dont smoke anymore weed when you’re already tired
I am in tears and am so very sorry for your loss. I remember falling asleep with my baby exactly like you did and it could have happened to anyone so please understand that all you can do now is be there for your daughter and take one day at a time.
So sorry for your loss OP
Hey man, I know it won’t help how you feel about the past but have you considered an owelett? it could help you feel more secure and at ease
There is a risk that this can happen to all new parents. It sounds like you were trying your absolute hardest for your wife and daughters, and that even with your mums help you were taking on a huge portion of care for everyone. Don’t beat yourself up. It is a very unique pain loosing a child and seeing other people with children who are how old your little one would be. I’m very sympathetic of that. I am so sorry for your loss.
You shouldn’t blame yourself. You will do a great job with your son and it won’t happen again. Sometimes we get second chances even if we aren’t ready for them, or don’t think we deserve them. You and your wife deserve happiness. Please if you feel exhausted in the way you described in this post ask for more support and help, don’t stretch yourself too thin, you should be able to enjoy this newborn phase with your son where you can.
You’re smoking weed and then sleeping with your baby????
I highly recommend getting an owlet sock for your new baby and practicing safe sleep.
Accidentally falling asleep when you have a new baby is incredibly common because your body can only go so long without sleep.
The owlet sock may help with some of the anxiety that you and your wife will likely have when the new baby comes.
I’m starting to think this is a fake story. No one could be this ignorant, especially expecting another baby. I’m actually mildly shocked that law enforcement wasn’t involved the first time. If it is true, I weep for the future. Again, the ignorance is stunning.
I remember when I saw this I was pregnant and it made me panic every time my baby slept after I was born. I’m glad the ME concluded it was SIDS and not directly a cause of you sleeping, this story still terrifies me often.
For the weed use I highly recommend only using when you’re not expected to be on child duty. That’s what we do and it works out really well for us. Every day, one of us sleeps and the other watches the baby then we hang out together and then swap for our own alone time to sleep or do whatever to decompress. I NEVER use weed unless I know for sure I’m not needed and even then I don’t get so high I get dysfunctional and tired.
If you can’t function without it you may need to look at an inpatient facility to learn how to manage life without weed. Also you should get checked for post partum depression/anxiety! That could be a part of why you’re so dependent on it. Your children want present and sober parents, believe me when I say that they will. My partner quit nicotine and weed before the baby was born because of the huge sids and safety risk. It was hell on her but she did it and she’s an amazing parent. Also do your best to support your wife. I guarantee she’s struggling a lot worse than she’s showing and really needs you to be there mentally for her.
Best of luck, I hope we see you in the future with some better updates :).
I believe if the cause of death was sids, then it was not your fault. She would die even if she was laying on her back, in her crib
But like the others are saying quit the drugs and be extra careful now
Everyone falls asleep at least once. Remember the safe sleep 7
Maybe she was named Phoenix for a reason and she will be reborn in your newest baby’s heart or spirit, or reborn into your life some other way
I’m sorry for your loss. Please remember to wash change clothes after smoking and before handling a baby otherwise you expose them to thirdhand smoke.
I used to sleep with our baby on the couch with her laying on my chest. I had no idea whatsoever that this was potentially dangerous.