I divorced my ex wife 6 months ago, it was a toxic relationship, honestly, pretty abusive, held me back so much and I knew it in my heart. I wasn’t the best either of course I insisted we did couples therapy and after 8 months of that I knew it was going no where and decided to leave.
After that I looked at myself and said “If you fail now, if you fall into depression now, if you become addicted to pornography again, you have no one to blame but yourself, can you live with yourself if that’s the case?”
I locked in. Back into the gym 6-7 days a week, diet honed in, everything tracked. Dropped 20lbs now have veins in my lower abs, best shape of my god damn life. Focused on saving money, and my projects outside of work, got a raise at work with another one lined up, saved a ton of money. Now i’m on track to the life of abundance I knew was possible, I feel unstoppable. I looked at porn once after she left, turned it off half way through, just didn’t even care for it. Haven’t looked at it since, I honestly can’t believe it, it had been a problem for me for years. Now I’m just not even remotely bothered by it.
The bad bits
I’ve never been so attractive to the opposite sex, not trying to brag or whatever but I noticed I got a ton of matches on Hinge and I even put upfront that I was divorced and i’m currently living with my parents. Yet I’ve become completely numb to the idea of a relationship, it’s not that I don’t want one… but I just don’t even care anymore. I don’t even feel sexualy attraction that much anymore. Even when I see a beautiful woman now I’m kinda like meh.
I think this will take more time to overcome, and tbf I am completely and utterly focused on improving my life and overcoming all boundaries so maybe that’s why. I’m not sure. Anyone else feel this way?
Comments
100% I remember having that exact thought of “the excuse of your relationship holding you back is gone… if you fail now it’s on you”. I am so focused on myself and never letting myself repeat patterns again I can’t even imagine another relationship at this point. It will come eventually I’m sure… but I’m just focused on appreciating the peaceful and content way of life I’ve worked so hard for at the moment.
Currently going through divorce (I was abused in every way). I’m trying to work on myself through exercise and trying to hone in on my diet. I’m living with friends. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this mess.
Too bad you couldn’t do all that while with your wife
Not me but I do want to be you. 💪👍😎
😆
this is normal. it takes something like to create a man.
I am going through a breakup and we broke up just yesterday. First person I went to was God. Next thing to do is improve my value and fitness is the first thing on my list. Got a personal trainer and everything.
Your story is very inspiring so thank you for posting that!
Agreed with the women part. I feel that I would rather improve than pursue anyone for now. You may just need some healing first. Maybe therapy?
You got a long way to go
First 6 months of my divorce were the best. I was free and focused.
The shock wore off once I filed and the isolation i faced during covid tore me apart
Going through a divorce now. First two months I was locked in, working out, in my Bible, reading, getting better at work. The last two months I’ve gotten sidetracked with legal items, alcohol and just struggling emotionally. I still want the marriage to work, but there is nothing I can do to bring her back. Time to focus up again and get back after it. Thanks for the inspiration.
I feel the same way
Im proud Junior
2 years on from my divorce, been doing a ridiculous amount of self work (childhood trauma along with relationship issues). I’ve been more open to the idea of dating again recently and actually understanding what I want in a relationship. I’ve had the same experience where I just don’t find myself attracted to anyone or wanting to be in a relationship. I can find women attractive just fine but the thought of being with someone is just instant walls up.
It hit me eventually that what I’m really doing is rejecting the thought of being vulnerable and intimate with someone again. Divorce is never easy and will hurt alot especially if you tried your hardest to make it work and they didn’t. That type of hurt needs to be honored and shed, maybe it’s time to reflect on how good you’ve been to yourself. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and admit the hurt to yourself to give it the space it needs to vent and heal.
That’s currently my focus and everyday I can feel myself inching closer to wanting that intimacy in my life again.
It all starts and ends with you, if everything about life is going well and there’s still a block it’s time to focus inward to mend the damage.
You deserve to be happy. Hope this helps, good luck.
Great post, thanks for the inspiration!
Divorce is major and your reaction is totally normal. It’s my understanding that this experience has been traumatizing to you in more ways than you’re able to express in a post. You’re subconsciously protecting yourself and your heart; your lack of interest is more of an indicator of self respect and boundaries to me than anything. Take your time OP, much respect.
dude I don’t really know how I got here, but this is insane progress. line after line it gave goosebumps. if you see my comment, smile, you are doing excellent and hopefully everything goes well in the future as well.
I feel this currently on my hustle quietly after a break up that turned into “I want you, I want you not”
This isnt the first time I’ve had this type of relationship and most of the time I slip into a depression. Na not doing that again.
Paid off my debt
Saving my money
Lost 100 pounds
Quit porn
Quitting nicotine again (currently 2.5 weeks in again. Previously went 8 months without one before she sucked me back in, just to toss me out again – good time – I blame myself though)
Quit smoking dispensary weed (smoke only hemp and not every night) for the last 1.5 years now
Learning new job skills
Remembering who I am at the ripe age of 37.
I should probably do some therapy. I was at my parents today and told my parents I had to leave to go for a run and my dad’s immediate response was, “yea right.” Which when I think about it was my exes response when I said I would make changes if she would simply tell me what they were (and she too would be willing to make changes). Realized I’ve let a lot of ppl who love to hate me too close, while I choose to only see the sunny side of them and build them up.
Not anymore, my focus is on me and those VERY few ppl who have always supported me. The road to improvement is a lonely one
This is exactly what I’m trying to do. Not divorced, but going through the process of letting someone go. Thank you for the inspiration to keep going! What you did takes a lot of drive and discipline
Niceee this was motivating to read
Got happily divorced and moved on my own. This calendar year has been a nightmare financially (shoulder surgery and a new used car) but I’m at that point where I want to live as frugally as I can as a challenge & just started to get back into exercise as the weather improves. Have got back into the habit of limiting tv and regular meditation.
It just feels good to focus on me.
9 year relationship and got blinded sided with the divorce after just getting married 6 months ago. Found out she cheated on me which makes it all make more sense I guess. It’s interesting because I have a different situation where I was already getting more financially stable (raises), working out, but I was missing out on some stuff.
Either way the pain was the most I’ve ever experienced in my life for the first couple weeks while I thought there was a chance we could reconcile. Then she said some absolutely horrendous things and honestly since then it’s been a bit easier, still horrible, but easier. No one deserves to be with a monster.
I just want to say I appreciate the post so much though. I use Reddit a lot and was looking at a lot of post in subreddits like guycry, men advice, breakups, etc these last few weeks and like 80% of them are so negative. Now is not the time to be consumed by those thoughts and stuff like this is what I and I’m sure alot of people going through similar stuff need at the moment.
Love you bro. We will come out of this better for each other and ourselves. Keep rocking man
You capitalizing on those dating app matches? Have you been hooking up? Maybe that’s why you don’t feel as much sexual attraction, too much all at once?
Being modest and not sleeping around is definitely a good thing.
Why don’t you think you could have made these changes about yourself while remaining with your spouse?
Good on you OP, celebrating your wins with you. Can you give some tips on the porn addiction thing? Im on that journey as well but i keep on relapsing each time something difficult comes along that stresses me out. My longest streak was 9 days but man was it hard. How do you do it?
Good for you! I’m sooooo much better off too! All my ex wanted to do was sit on his phone and never go anywhere. I was in the gym, running, making friends and he never complimented me. Not once “I’m so proud of you!” but someone else came and swept me off my feet. Gave me all the love and attention I was looking for. I have zero regrets and completely happy with myself and my business.
I do not know if this fits too accurately here , but I am at a very toxic workplace , both the managers and teammates, I am feeling down since I have put my resignation, after seeing your post , I got a sudden surge of motivation to ignore/deal with all the drama with a girl , manager , cunning teammates , polotics
” If at all I am at a place with no job, no mental peace I have no one else to blame but myself”.
Thank you for posting this..really this post is a slap on my face thank you so much…I will also LOCK IN and grow.
I like that you’re noticing the things you don’t want to focus on and where your head needs to be right now #LOCKEDIN when you’re ready for something new, it’ll flow into your life and you’ll be able to handle just about anything because you WORKED ON YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST 🫶🏼🙏🏼
I feel you 100%. It’s been two years since my divorce, and I’ve been in full monk mode—focusing on my kids, business, and self-improvement. It’s taken me further than I ever got while married. Now that I’m a successful business owner, I get a lot of attention from women, but honestly, I’m not interested in the baggage that usually comes with it. One book I’d recommend is The Free Agent Lifestyle by Coach Greg Adams—it really speaks to everything you’re saying. Check it out.
Not divorced but been asking for one since last August. He won’t let me go! I have been working on myself and healing from the trauma he has caused me.
Definitely get the not attracted to anyone feeling. I think after everything I’ve been put thru and still going thru, I’m so turned off all men in general. I want to break free and just love/live my life. Your probably turned off because of the situation you’ve just come out of and still have fear how easily you could fall back into that if you did met someone or not – i think about it all the time and that’s literally where my thoughts are at.
You talked to me. Right now. I needed this. Thanks OP
Op can I know how did you start tbh. I am not in a similar boat but have recently gone through a breakup and want to become abundant and change my ways. I want to provide more and live my life to the fullest.. I did stop social media but my remote job is taking a toll on my mental health.
I’m 34 and I went through divorce a couple of years ago. I understand what you say that you feel numb, and are not interested on a relationship anymore. That’s normal! We need time to grieve and learn from that situation, grow. Now I’m much better off and after 2 years, I feel I can try something out again. It might take some more time tho, but what’s important is, to use this time to grow and learn, become the best version of yourself. Love yourself! I’m still going through this process, and I’m much happier and feel more fulfilled with my life now. I’ve shared my learnings and experiences in a video on my self development YT Channel. It’ll definitely give you another perspective 🥰 https://youtu.be/qWGIjMhWe8g
Congratulations brother!
Why didn’t you do all this while married
Thanks bro, exactly what I need at this time. I am just out of a long marriage, but depressed.
Had a rough breakup right before new years and the same thing is happening to me;
Running a marathon end of this month
I gave up drinking altogether which I had never thought possible
In better shape
Crushing it at work
Zero interest in dating at present
Also no porn since then which tbh I hadn’t really realised till I read your post!
BIG CHAD LETSGOOOO
May be you gave your full effort to make the marriage work or be not, I dont know, but your surely filling that void by terming as focusing on yourself.
There is certainly a veil of anhedonia that sets in, that is seemingly impenetrable, both related to any self improvement and then compounded by leaving a traumatic relationship.
Simply, your standards just raise and they cant regress no matter how much you want them to and I dont mean standards in relation to superficial traits/looks/money (I mean these requirements certainly do increase but to a degree of diminishing returns). It’s why alot of matches / alot of dates / objectively attractive dates dont engage excitement bc you start (unconsciously at first) start prioritizing/valuing things an older version of you never did.
Personally, I used to fight against this, especially in an echo chamber of friends that seem to easily attach to others, with the general “pressure” compounded by being set up w/ others etc.
However, recently decided to embrace the anhedonia as a byproduct of creating that (as you eloquently described it ) a successful life of abundance. I would modify slightly to personal abundance as it allows for a more personal metric of success that is no longer tethered to an objective view.
The anhedonia is good. The complacency is good. Keeps you wanting more and pursing more. It may be fleeting or may become a permanent part of your personality. You may reach an echelon and find someone attractive for reasons your old self/objectivity would never have gone for, or you may just consistently demand a better echelon from yourself and others.
Again personally, my lifestyle has morphed into something unimaginable for others, and anytime I think about a conventional attraction I immediately conclude that my circle of influence up to a few degrees / any app generated match, would not work out due to the lifestyle. I think “objectively” they are right that this season currently is “overdoing it” or “strange” but it’s only true in the real world and who the fuck wants to live there?
TLDR; Dont worry about the macro effects of anhedonia, just keep building yourself, organically, what you are/become will coincide with what you truly want.
In the process of getting divorced and my life has never been so clear and my focus on point. Also best shape I’ve been in years but I did start getting into shape about a year before the divorce. I can honestly say best thing that has even happened to me! I tried to tell my ex-wife thank you for all you have done and thank you for making me the person I am today but she just asked if I’m being sarcastic 😂
Dude you’re killing it. Great job!
sort of in a similar phase. i’m 31 never married but split from a 6 year toxic relationship after realizing the person had no capacity for self growth. my career, my mental health, my physical health all seemed to all take off within 6-8 months after that, all leading to way more attention. im not so much turned off from dating but i think its a combination of being locked into new patterns that got me here and also my standards being tighter. i’m having my fun but im in no rush whatsoever to compromise whats working rn. if the relationship works then it works but in the mean time ive figured out exactly what does work for me. i’m waiting for something exceptional because thats how i feel about myself.
I’m totally lost, empty & unfulfilled right now. Mundane autopilot of work, chores, sleep repeat. Existing not living. Hoping for a strong therapy session today because this ain’t it.
Congrats great change
as someone who can relate to all these things and currently going through a divorce, this couldn’t come at a better time. Thanks
This is so me!! I don’t think people who never had this can easily imagine this. I’m living my best life after gettin over the depression part, unlike you I let myself to have it first.
I am going to sea side 2 3 times a week with my book. Even if it’s chilly I am sitting inside the car, taking the seat a little to back.. starting writing and drawing and learning and practising more on my religion. I move and walk way more. Working on my psychology and personal development too.. I do so many things that I wasn’t be able to do before. Seeing men are attracted -including my ex 🤢- had no meaning (ex’ still feels gross) than getting a ‘compliment’.
But I guess that slowly changes (it’s 2 years since I’ve left him), so sometimes I see someone really hot and tell myself not the time gurl and then pass 🤣
So make the most of it before you’re over it 😁 Good job anyway! 👏🏻👏🏻
Divorced and heartbroken 30f – just here to say I’m blown away at all the positivity of men supporting each other and seeing men putting in the work and working on themselves. Everyone deserves happiness, and seeing this gives me some hope. We’ve got this guys ❤️ 💪
I needed to hear this. I’m currently going through a divorce and am focusing on my two boys while my ex is already talking to another guy. I hope someone out there will appreciate me.
Thank you for being you and inspiring us! Keep shining bro the path ahead is an amazing one filled with wonders and blessings. God bless you ❤️
What’s your age?
Thank you for sharing this, loved reading it and reading all the comments… Recently ended a 14 year marriage here, currently dialled in, gym, diet, finances, tracking, the whole 9 yards.. it’s only been a month and things are already looking up!! Reading this made me feel like I am not alone! 🙏
More power to you.
It is great that you are doing good man.
But you didn’t mention what was stopping you earlier to be in your best form.
Was it the marriage?
Was it the person you married to?
Or Was it you ?
See most of the times we are searching for a people to blame just to give ourselves an execuse for failing in life.
I had sort of the opposite, but the same thing happen to me. My divorce has made me feel that I have nothing to live for. I’m not suicidal, I swear, but I just feel that after my divorce, there’s really nothing else to do for me. Life has become repetitive and predictable. I have a good career, had a beautiful wife, and have a kid. I feel like I did everything that’s supposed to make me happy, and now it ended. Like after beating a game or at the end of a movie or series. There’s nothing I long for anymore. Life is boring.
Proud of you brother, and how hard you worked wishing you more success ahead .
The wrong woman will destroy everything you are and keep on taking. Guys, don’t let a woman take away your right to exercise, lift weights, run, have personal time or hobbies. No one has the right to control you and manipulate you. The right woman will encourage you and support your efforts to be your best self. Stay focused on the right things and the right person will come along.
Man, love to hear this. Recently divorced and while my circumstances are a little different, I want to look back in 6 months and feel what you feel. Not like I wasted 6 months of my life.
I have a lot of financial decisions to make. Keep the mortgage, sell the house and move into an apartment, car payment, etc… I have a 3 year old boy to think about that I share with my ex 50/50.. But I just want to look back in 6 months and feel like I improved my life. And I want to just take my son on a trip somewhere, just me and him. I’d love that.
Thanks for posting. And I’m happy for you.
This is the inspo I need. 6 year toxic relationship came to an end a couple of months. Unfortunately, I have fallen into depression and previous vices (drinking to numb the pain), so I have yet to find the fuel to keep going, let alone go harder in life…I too agree with you, where right now I’m not even interested in women. I’m a bit lonely, but I can’t even picture myself dating, or more at the moment. Thanks for sharing