I’m 26 now. Growing up, I was always told my father abandoned me when I was 5. My mother said he wanted nothing to do with me, that he was a drunk, a bum, and that he never paid a cent in child support.
Well, 21 years later, I finally reached out to him.
Turns out… he did try to contact my mom a few times but could never get through. And the biggest shock? He actually paid child support until I turned 18. I even verified it myself with the local child support office—they confirmed he paid the entire time. That adds up to around $60,000 that I never saw.
Meanwhile, I spent my childhood couch surfing with my mother while she bounced from guy to guy for support. She never had a job. I paid the bills, took care of myself, and looked after my younger brother too.
There’s so much more I could say, but I’m honestly overwhelmed. I’m confronting her tomorrow, and I don’t even know where to start. I feel like half of my life has been stolen from me and I’m stuck with so many “what ifs.”
If anyone’s been through something like this or has any advice, I’d really appreciate it.
Update: I’m not worried about getting any money. I’m more upset that she got some each month and never used it on me. PLUS, he was active in paying it for 13 years and my mother told me that he didn’t.
Comments
Dude I just feel bad, I don’t know what to say but you were strong throughout and ik you will be strong going forward
you got this. it takes some courage to do this and i’m so sorry for what you’re going and have gone through. i know what you feel, and just know you are not alone or the only one that has gone through similar stuff. confronting will make you feel liberated by a good chunk. try to keep it as collected as you can still and know healing one’s life with this stuff takes time, it is definitely doable.
Honestly, it might be hard, but stay calm. It gets your point across better than flying off the handle with anger.
Just remember you are strong because of what you’ve been through. You persevered and overcame. You know what you’re capable of. It was a hard road but you know exactly who you are. Your mom knows exactly who she is, and she needs to live with that. She can fight those demons on her own, and you can keep fighting to be better and do better for yourself.
You didn’t just lose a father, you lost the truth. And that kind of betrayal hits deeper than most people will ever understand. You’ve carried weight that was never yours to hold, and now you’re facing the person who put it there. No matter how that conversation goes, you are finally reclaiming your story. That’s not weakness, that’s courage
It’s tough when you learn your parents are just people. It’s weird, you’re in the house, you think you see everything… and years later, you figure it out.
My mom was an alcoholic that beat me. Beat me hard. I thought everyone grew up like that.
Later, you see it. And, as the years roll by, you’ll figure out more. I found out that my mom took inheritance from me. My cousin got the same inheritance, he drove a 71 ‘vette to college while I worked.
You can be bitter. Angry. Unforgiving. Or, you can decide to just work on you. Be better. Raise your kids the way you wished to be raised. Get them what you didn’t have. (From my experience, this is the best way to feel better)
Good luck.
Doesn’t matter how she react,you just have to face her,then you fell better after
60,000 over 18 years isn’t that much, it’s still wrong though. I’m sure that money was squandered and it’s really messed up that she told you he didn’t pay, you should definitely bring it up, but if you’re older than 18, realistically it’s time for you to just move forward. Everyday you step forward is one step away from this mess and chaos.
Good luck
Confronting her is incredibly brave, and it’s okay if you don’t have all the words sorted out. Just speak your truth, and remember this moment is about your healing, not her comfort. You deserved honesty and stability, and it’s not too late to reclaim your story.
You can’t change the past. You can only control what you do from here on out.
You can do this,doesn’t matter how she react,life too short and this is you right
On the bright side you now have your father back in your life and you’re so young so you have decades to spend with him. Def get some therapy but this is also kind of a fucked up blessing
Yikes.
Women aren’t morally superior to men. Don’t use this to have a chip on your shoulder toward women, just – be aware.
Record the convo with your mom (check local laws). Get legal advice about the $$. A therapist could help you process this betrayal, too
> I’m confronting her tomorrow, and I don’t even know where to start.
Start by stating the facts, you know about the child support. Then, ask her why she lied. Consider therapy to process this betrayal
So sorry this happened to you. Tell your Mom what you have learned but don’t expect to be satisfied by her answers. You seem to have developed resilience and responsibility which are both great traits. You must be furious/disappointed now. Please don’t let those emotions dominate your future. Anger destroys. Best of luck going forward. I hope you build a good life.
You have every reason to confront your mother about this. It’s confirmed that she lied about the child support, so there’s definitely other things she’s lying about. It sounds like the younger brother is a half brother, so she might be/might’ve been getting some child support there too. And $3,000 a year is not a lot of child support, so it’s really F’d up if she didn’t work at all during that time.
If he was only required to pay $275 a month in child support, I’m definitely getting some bum vibes. It’s possible that he’s paying for child support for other kids or maybe just refuses to work enough to earn more. That’s a sixth of the lowest minimum wage in the U.S (don’t know where you are).
so if you want to confront her you shouldn’t do it in an accusatory manner. Don’t get me wrong, you clearly have every reason to be angry at her, but if you want to get some honesty out of this, you need to go in with both ears open. You just started talking to this guy, and though he’s been proven correct about the child support, you shouldn’t be so quick to believe him about everything. I mean, you know your mother, you don’t know this guy.
Having said that, it’s by far more likely that your dad didn’t leave you but left your mother, and she couldn’t cope with the rejection, being left with a kid and so little support that she decided to convince herself, and you, that he was just a jerk who shirked his responsibilities. It’s pretty messed up!
I went through something similar with my dad—turns out the story I was told growing up wasn’t the full truth. Confronting a parent like that is heavy, but speak your truth calmly. You deserve answers, even if they hurt. Wishing you strength—you’re not alone.
What do you hope to accomplish by doing this? My advice is to be clear within yourself about what you are seeking. Do you just want to express how you feel so you can release it? Are you looking for a particular response from her? If so, what if she does not respond the way you would like?
Be prepared so that you can be okay, regardless of what transpires. And remember that ultimately you are okay and will be okay.
Oh WOW that’s so much! Much sympathy to u fren. I thought my life was a lie cuz of so much crap.
I hope u are able to find peace. Sending good juju out to you.
Best of luck
I don’t think you will gain anything from confronting her, other than getting it out. I doubt any response will help you feel better and I very much doubt that her response will do anything except create more resentment. I wish you the best with it. Selfish, lying parents didn’t take accountability, ever.
This is sad and fucked up. I seen it too many times where the mom keeps the kids away from the father and lie on him to where the kids hate the father. It doesn’t too too long because the truth will always come to the light and in this case OP your mom was very wrong. Your dad could’ve easily helped keep y’all housed especially with the doe he was kickin. Your dad tried to do his part and he partly did with the 60k. Just be honest and speak on it then keep it pushin.
Updateme
Update me
Well your not the only one. Mine told me my dad was an alcoholic, wife beater, who never wanted anything to do with me and never paid for child support.
He left when I was about 2
At age 38, I lived overseas and with my own kids I started to question some of the things I was told by her, she had lied so much we stopped talking to her.
I went looking for my birth dad. I found him on LinkedIn and not realising he could see I looked at his profile.
Now I’m 46, and have a great relationship with him.
He hardly drinks, has been married a couple of times, 5 brothers and one sister I knew nothing about, he gets on amazing with all the ex’s and the kids, he gave my mum the house she lived and he did try to see me all the time but my mum wouldn’t let him.
He has been more involved in with his grandkids and me than my mum was.
My mum died just over a year ago and I never got to tell her how much of a cow she was.
I used to wish I had confronted her, but now I realise it would of just been pointless, I am just happy to make new memories and glad she died alone and sad, which is how she lived.
Do yourself a favour and cut her out of your life. Just because someone has a sone sort of blood connection to you doesn’t give them an inherant right to be in your life of take your time.
Forget she existed, maybe build a relationship with your dad if you wanna try that.
Updateme
Live the best life the remainder of your life!
Instead of living in the what could have beens use your rage to fuel you through the what life can be. Understand that you’re probably not going to get any sort of apology or reasonable explanation from your mother. I wouldn’t expect to get much out of the conversation, other than the gratification that you know the truth. And now she knows you know the truth. And that in itself can be very satisfying if you allow it to be. Build a relationship with this guy who chose to pay his child support rather than sign his rights away. I can almost guarantee that he paid it hoping it would help you, and also hoping you would find out that he really did give a shit about you, and even though he couldn’t be in your life as a kid, he wanted to be. I would suggest also getting therapy.. and going low or no contact with your mother.
Even motherhood can’t turn a bad person into a good person.
My first wife was a terrible person and still is. She turned my kids against me for yrs. Even though I had custody of them she still tried to turn them against me and it made my relationship with them difficult. At times they disliked me and wanted to be with her because she would tell them lies. I now have a great relationship with my children and they don’t talk to their mother. I never told much information about her until yrs later after they stopped talking to her on their own. She has never seen 2 of her grandkids.
People can lie but it’s hard to hide the lies forever.
Your father could have taken your mother to court to fight for custody. He chose not to. Don’t make him out to be the saint. The truth is they are both sucky parents.
And $60,000 over the course of your childhood adds up to $277/mo. She absolutely spent that much and (I guarantee) much more on food for you.
Also.. I wanted to add.. that I’m really sorry this happened to you and your Dad. I know a lot of good men that this has happened to. And I hope this whole situation becomes a really positive one for you… You are going to have a lot of healing to do unfortunately.. but you at least have something to look forward to.
You could probably sue her for the $60k if you can prove none of that was used on you. And that while your father was paying you were working as a teenager and providing for your brother.
r/FamilyLaw I think you should post this here too.
ETA— just saw the edit
Definitely confront your mother in a calm demeanor and just ask her what was going on. Get her side, get his side… make your own conclusions. I think you’d be better off without your mother in your life, tbh. Arms length if anything.
Not to discount anything that you went through, but the child support is not given to the child as cash.
It’s given to the parent, to help pay for diapers, food, clothes ( sizes keep changing) rent, electricity ( heating, air conditioning, lights) furniture that’s needed, car expenses, health expenses. etc, and is some compensation for the care of the child ( all of the years before you had a job.)
The amount he paid probably wouldn’t even cover rent to be honest. I’m glad you have your father back, and hope you create a wonderful life from here forward.
( to be fair, if part of her version of the story is accurate, he probably wouldn’t admit it. Or remember it. Whatever happened, it was a long time ago. Sometimes the truth is somewhere in the middle of 2 different stories.
A lot of people break up and never see each other again. Especially if they don’t like each other, or if alcohol or drugs were involved. )
I hope he’s doing well now and that you get along well. ) You deserve happiness. I hope all 3 of you will be kind.
i won’t even confront him… she is a bad person… stay close to your father is my recommendation.
Bro, you are brave. I couldn’t do what you did. I lived with my dad. My mom didn’t pay a dime for 6 years after she dipped. But when I got into college, she showed up — I didn’t say any hard word. I’m coward who compromises, not fight. but I really can’t imagine the scene of falling out with my mother for money. Dad has passed away and she is my only relative.
I’m rambling lol — just want say I got your back no matter what you decide. End of the day, it’s all about life.