I (22m) broke up with my ex(20f) about a year ago. We aren’t in contact anymore, that was her choice. I have no regrets about having ended the relationship, I am happier than I was for the last year of it. We dated for 3 years.
Last night I was at a bar in town, and I saw the guy who had been her best friend(21m). A friend of mine told me to stay away from him, and when I asked why, she told me that he had raped my ex, and that my ex’s friends had told her that.
I know this is in absolutely no way about me. But I was absolutely seething with rage. It took all my effort not to go to him and kick the shit out of him.
I’ve never been a violent person. I’ve never attacked anyone, but I’ve also never been as angry as I am. I keep imagining her being assaulted, and getting very upset at the thought.
Like I said I know this isn’t about me, but I keep having intrusive thoughts about how afraid she must have been, or how much I want to hurt him.
Does anyone have any advise on how I can fight or process these thoughts?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Man, your anger makes sense. Like, deep-in-your-bones kind of sense. It’s not about control or jealousy or even trying to “be the hero” it’s the kind of primal fury that comes from knowing someone you once loved and cared for was hurt in such a horrific way, and that the person who did it is just…out there, living like nothing happened.
And no, it’s not about you but it still affects you. That’s okay. That’s human.
What you’re feeling the rage, the images, the helplessness it’s all grief in disguise. Grief that someone you once shared your life with was violated. And it has nowhere to go, because there’s no justice. No closure. Just silence and anger and what-ifs.
The best thing you can do? Don’t suppress it. Talk about it. With someone safe a friend, a therapist, even a journal. Let that fury move through you in ways that don’t consume you. And remember: being furious on behalf of someone else doesn’t make you violent. It makes you human. What matters is what you do with that feeling.
You’re doing more than most already you’re acknowledging it, not numbing it. That takes strength.
You don’t owe her anything, but this anger? It means you’re still someone who cares about people’s pain. That’s a good man right there.
You are allowed to feel rage. What matters is what you do with it and you are already choosing reflection over violence.
It’s a completely normal response in a situation like this.
You just have to not let the intrusive thoughts win.
SO do you know that it’s 100% true because you risk getting arrested if he report it. Basically take out your anger by going to the batting cages or something like a rage room. It’s worst if you beat him up and it was all a misunderstanding or something then you get arrested for assault and mess up your own future.
I mean. What’s the harm in getting him jumped? Really now? Oh noooo a rapist got testicular torsion from a random beating in the street? Oh welll.
Give police a tip about him being annoynamous
Did the rape happen since you’ve broken up with her? WTF is his ass not in prison!??? Myself personally, I would reach out to your ex and tell her you heard that she was raped and ask her if she needs anything or if you can do anything for her. Tell her how you feel and that you want to kick the guys ass and tell her she should really consider pressing charges on him because he could possibly do it to someone else and she could help save them from the trauma she’s had to endure.
Ask yourself this question.
If he really attacked your ex girlfriend and raped her… why is he walking around loose?
Did she go to the police or is this just a story she likes to tell her friends?
You see him in a very public place like that and you expose him each and every time. Walk up and then loudly proclaim “I suggest you leave here right now, you fucking rapist. No one wants to be out drinking beside a disgusting rapist.”
You see him at all the mall, same thing. Loudly for others in the mall to hear “What the he’ll are you doing here rapist? You should be in jail, not out shopping around innocent women. Get out of here you disgusting rapist!”
Call him out each and every time. Maybe one time he’ll get violent out of rage for being called out. Do not retaliate, but make sure to file charges so he can at least catch some jail time that way.
Liam Neeson, is that you?