Hi everyone, this is going to be quite a long story – just a warning (also sorry for my english)

I [24M] have had problems with suicidal thoughts since I can remember. I also never told anyone about it. My life has always been a disaster. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I would go back to square one after a few months.

But finally something worked out. I moved out of my parents’ house after finishing my studies, found a small apartment in a medium-sized city and a job that gave me satisfaction.

That’s also where I met her [21F] (for the sake of it, let’s call her J). J was amazing – always smiling, nice, motivated, even when she had difficult times in her life she didn’t show it, and incredibly beautiful. There was an immediate spark between us. Although we never officially said “ok, from today we are together”, the relationship and love came naturally and grew over time. We never had even a single argument or quarrel – never, throughout the entire relationship.

Situation:

At this point, J and I had been together for a little over a year, and I was planning to propose. J was returning from a 10-day business trip, so we had a barbecue at her parents’.

On the 4th day after she left, I got a call that my best (and only real) friend had died in a car accident. I was shocked, I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t say anything to J because I knew she was already stressed out and tired enough with all the crap related to work.

I was never a fan of alcohol, every now and then 4/5 beers to get a little dizzy and stop – that day was different. I went to a bar and simply started drinking to take my mind off it. I don’t know how much I drank, I just remember that around 2/3 of the way through I blacked out and I woke up the next day in the stairwell with a feeling like I had a washing machine running in my stomach and my head weighed a dozen or so kilos.

I didn’t call or write to J for two days, I immediately made an appointment with a psychologist. After two days of my silence, I called, apologized and explained the whole situation, she said she understood.

And here we go back to the barbecue at her parents’. Everyone is smiling, everyone is laughing, everyone except her (which was a very strange sight, remembering that even on the worst days she didn’t show it)

I tried to hug her more than once, kiss her, but J was dry, cold, as if I was a stranger, although she treated even strangers with a bigger smile and kindness.

After about 30 minutes of the barbecue, I gave up and focused on talking to her parents. Then she grabbed my hand and led me to the garden on the other side of the house – I had no idea what had happened or what was to come.

When we got there, I asked if anything was wrong, if she had any problems and I assured her that I was here and we could talk.

J looked me straight in the eyes, stared for a few seconds and in monotonous, cold tone replied “I don’t feel anything for you anymore”, after which she went back to the table as if nothing had happened. I stood there for another five minutes and simply stared at one point, I didn’t even think anything, I just stood there, as if my brain couldn’t process this information.

After a while I went back to the table, I already had 2 beers so driving back to the apartment was out of the question (the plan was to spend the night at her parents house’)

A few hours later, when the guests left and J and her parents had gone into the house, I said that I was going for a walk and that they shouldn’t worry, I had a spare key to the house.

I spent the whole night walking around the country roads, smoking cigarette after cigarette, thinking about what had actually happened. After returning in the morning, J announced that she would stay with her parents for a few days to help them with something, so I spent the next few days alone in my apartment, recalling and analyzing every conversation we had from the past month.

Less than a week after this situation, I was fired from my job, and my position was taken by someone with no experience or education, but with a very similar last name to the manager.

On top of that, J’s “few days” turned into weeks without any contact.

A month passed, and I lost over 10 kg and couldn’t get out of bed. Every day I had nightmares, about J, about my friend who I had lost, about work.

I returned to my family home and from there I tried to get to J (hope dies last, right?)

For days I thought and composed in my head what I wanted to say. Finally, the day came.

I bought the biggest bouquet I could find, put on her favorite clothes and went.

She opened the door for me, and I told her that I would only take 10 minutes.

10 minutes of pouring out my emotions – I could barely hold back my tears, and at times my voice trembled like a small child’s.

I also presented her with options for “getting out of the whole situation”, I told her that I understood that something could have happened between us, but it wasn’t the end of the world, that it could be worked on, and that worse moments in a relationship were normal.

Throughout this time, she looked at me like a stranger, only responding with a cold “yeah, ok, mhm”.

At the end, I had a request for her to think about our relationship some more, and the answer to that was her coming to the apartment next month – even if for a moment, even if just to talk.

If she came, I could still have hope, if not, I promised that I would disappear from her life and she would never see me again.

She didn’t come.

I didn’t know how to deal with so many blows from life in such a short time. I wanted to hate her, I really tried to find something to blame her for, but I couldn’t and I still can’t, because I still love her. I had a suicide attempt. I read about helium hood for a few days, bought the most necessary things and decided to do it in the garage when my parents went to work. Unfortunately, just as I was tying my neck with tape, my aunt (next door, same yard) went to the garage to get a watering can.

Present:

It’s been 3 years since these events. I found a new job, a new environment and moved out of my previous city. I also met a girl half a year ago (let’s say, Q [22F]). We have a good life, but for a month or two, I started to become distant and cold. Every thing I do with Q, every topic of conversation, every memory we try to create reminds me of J.

At first I thought it would pass, that it was because Q is my first girlfriend since the last events, but no, it didn’t, in fact it grew from week to week.

Now I don’t know what to do anymore.

I really like Q and I imagine a future with her, but I can’t do it when every interaction with her reminds me of the pain I felt with J.

For the past week, it literally feels like a week after my last visit to J. My thoughts simply hurt and don’t let me sleep at night. I’m afraid that the suicidal thoughts will also come back soon.

I am in constant contact with a psychologist, but it doesn’t help.

I know that I have to end my current relationship because I don’t want anyone to suffer because of the fact that I can’t come to terms with the past.

For a few days I’ve been trying to tell Q that it’s over, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what words to use and how to gather my chaotic thoughts so as not to hurt her with what I want to confess.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve never believed in God, but more and more often I catch myself thinking that he might exist and that I’m his court jester.