My ex (29F) wants to reconcile. I (39M) have changed a lot, but I’m still torn after how things ended.

We were together for a year and a half. It was a very emotional, intense relationship. I loved her deeply, but I was not always the partner she needed. I didn’t understand what emotional safety actually meant. When she brought up things that hurt her, I took it as personal failure and would get defensive, angry, or try to prove my point rather than making her feel heard. I was reacting from my own wounds, not realizing she was just trying to feel secure.

She has trauma from her childhood that shows up in the way she communicates—when she felt unsafe or overwhelmed, she’d harden and speak to me with a cold or hostile tone. I now understand that was her inner child protecting herself, and that what she needed in those moments was to be met with calm, safety, and love. But I didn’t know how to offer that. I felt like I was constantly trying not to get “set off,” and that made me reactive. I was trying to get her to see my side instead of making her feel seen. That was my biggest failure.

When she broke up with me, I was devastated. I hadn’t been steady, and she didn’t feel safe. I respected her decision despite being crushed. But what happened after that changed everything for me.

After the breakup, she found out I had lied to her once. It wasn’t a massive lie, but it was a lie nonetheless and it hurt her. At the time, I thought I was protecting her emotions by omitting some information about the extent of a past relationship. I’ve taken full responsibility for it. That was the only lie in our relationship, and I carry a lot of shame for it. But her response was something I never could’ve expected.

She said some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me—cruel, degrading things about my character, my appearance, and my worth as a person. She brought up personal vulnerabilities, called me every horrible name you can think of, told me I’m a garbage human and the biggest loser she’s ever met, made threats that impacted my life greatly, and dragged my name through the mud to other people. She allowed her friends to join in on the smearing.

And while all that was happening, she also jumped on Tinder with her friends, knowing I was at home barely functioning emotionally. I found out about it and asked her. She said it was “just a distraction,” but it felt like the deepest betrayal. I couldn’t even imagine looking at another woman at that point. Even if she didn’t intend to meet anyone, the fact that she could do that while I was shattered said everything. It felt like I was disposable. It crushed me.

She’s since apologized for some things. She wrote a letter that showed reflection and accountability, and she’s acknowledged some of the pain she caused me. But whenever I try to talk about the hurt I’m still carrying, she falls back on:

“We both hurt each other. I’ve already apologized. I feel like you’re punishing me.”

It feels like she’s trying to rush the repair, but hasn’t truly owned the full extent of the harm. I’m not trying to beat a dead horse—I just need to feel safe before I can rebuild anything. And right now, I don’t.

She wants to try again. I believe she loves me. I miss her so much. I’ve grown a lot and I finally understand how to show up for someone emotionally. I wish I had known all this when we were together—I would’ve been the man she always needed. But part of me also wonders: if she hadn’t said those horrible things, and gotten on that app, could we have worked it out?

I’m torn. A huge part of me wants to reach for her and try again with all this newfound awareness. But another part of me knows that love without safety and respect isn’t enough.

How do I come back from everything she said and her actions?

I don’t know what to do.

Edit: the lie was in regards to my dog having spent time with a different woman before her. She met my dog and grew to love him and asked me one day if he had spent any time with another woman. I said no, which was untrue. I knew it would hurt her to know that “our” dog had a relationship with a different woman before her and she caught me off guard early on with the question. I made the mistake of lying. It seems silly, but I understand how even small lies can break trust. She’s justified in being bothered by finding out that I lied.

TL;DR:
I (39M) was emotionally immature in a loving but unstable relationship with my ex (29F). After our breakup, she found out I lied about one thing, and she responded with cruel verbal attacks and jumped on a dating app while I was devastated. She’s apologized for some of it and wants to try again. I’ve done a lot of growth and reflection, and I believe I could be a much better partner now—but I’m torn. I don’t know if I should give it another chance or protect myself.