I became very good friends with my ex (‘Sam’) after we broke up last year. Our relationship was very committed, we planned to get married and buy a house together. We split due to our differences, mainly the facts that I am a very active person and also wanted to explore opening our relationship, while he is a homebody and didn’t want any non-monogamy. In the end, he cheated on me with his friend. Before he did that, I proposed to him that I would be fine with them having sex, as long as we keep open communication, he said he didn’t need that. At least he came clean to me right away, and we decided to break up.
It’s almost a year after that, and we have learned that he slept with my best friend’s girlfriend (‘Melissa’). My best friend (‘Tom’) went on a month-long trip to Asia only a couple of weeks of getting to know Melissa. They were crazy about each other before he left, but while he was gone, she wanted to be in touch all the time while he wanted to focus on exploring a foreign country and hiking etc. She got a bit upset about it and cut down communication to minimum, and at the same time started to see me, Sam and other friends of Tom on a regular basis.
Please mind here that me and my friends are a bunch of queer people, many in open relationships, with a broad scope of what we see as okay. For example, me and Tom have been best friends for years, see each other at least once a week alone, sleep at each other’s places etc but it has always been purely platonic and it’s fully accepted by everyone.
During Tom’s absence, Melissa and Sam started to see each other everyday. At first we just assumed that they clicked as friends and supported each other, but after some time Tom started to feel that his friend knows his very new girlfriend much better than he does. Tom asked them to stop seeing each other this much because he feels uncomfortable about it, which they did.
Tom comes back, and clearly him and Melissa start to have problems. She is withdrawn, she is back to having mental health issues (which connected her so much with Sam). In the meantime, Sam moves in to the shared apartment with Tom because he had a bad housing situation. It seemed at the time that at least Tom and Sam had explained the situation to each other and were back to being good friends.
Six months later, Tom managed to get the truth out of Melissa: Sam told Melissa first that he had a crush on her, and they had sex while Tom was away. The secret was crushing her, and even though she and Sam swore to never say anything, she had to come clean to Tom.
Tom called me right away and we went to confront Sam. He admitted everything and was sorry. Now, Tom stays away from his own house because Sam lives there, and I don’t know what to do.
Sam has been my good friend since we broke up, but I am so disappointed in him. I was able to forgive him cheating on me back when we were together because we were in a very bad place in our relationship at the time and he was very apologetic. I can’t really forgive this – he was hiding the truth from us for months, and was always saying that it was the past mental health struggles that connected him and Melissa so much. Always swore there was nothing physical or romantic between them. He was lying so much and still moved in to Tom’s apartment. What else is he capable of lying about?
Comments
Seems like Sam is just a cheater and a cheater’s gonna cheat.Now he’s spreading that sickness around to the whole friend group.
Well, you are not with him anymore. Forgive me but you are being very judgmental, what is really bothering you? The fact that he slept with her or lied to you?
Confusing
He wants monogamy but isn’t monogamous. Has an affair with someone whom will impact on your relationship group. Lies about it or at least withholds key info. What does this Sam add to your life? You have a clear choice to make between two friends. Which one is actually a friend?
This sounds like a TV show from the seventies called Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. It could be confusing too.
You guys have disposed of most of the normal boundaries so it would be expected that people might hook up on their own out of curiosity. Rules are there to protect people. Less rules less protection. You said you don’t want monogamy. He said he does. This is a HUGE deal. I’m guessing that Tom was less inclined to monogamy while Melissa is more inclined. So maybe they are a logical match. So now you can date Tom.
Who cares
Your good friend and ex seems like a selfish asshole. He doesn’t seem to respect the boundaries and relationships around him…including his own. You can’t really trust a person like that as a friend.
Modern dating is a disaster! These shitshows are all brought upon themselves
He hasn’t changed. He did basically the same thing as in the relationship with you.What changed is your reaction.
Wow – I say – ya’ll get together and have a fuck fest – then everyone is up front about who is screwing who –
Sam is the problem. You keep forgiving him for things – and good on you for that, I guess. But it’s not just you he hurts. He seems like a wrecking ball. You can be friends with Sam but he needs to be removed from the group. He’s the cancer.
Sam is a serial cheater. He lies in part because there is a thrill in cheating that is not gained when you have an open or poly relationship.
He doesn’t seem to have integrity. Why be friends with someone like this?
Luckily he is your ex. Now that you know him more fully, make an informed decision.
What’s the question here tho? You already decided to be friends with someone who chose to cheat on you instead of accept your consent regarding him sleeping with someone else.. Why would his lies and sleeping around be an issue now??
I put this in chat GPT and said please make sense of this and it said no.
Statistics on open relationships working out are extremely skewed towards no. There are so many different variables of expectations, boundaries, double standards, and everything else in your post that are all over the place.
Love who you’re going to love, but don’t disguise love with lust. Because lust, betrayal, and hurt is about the only thing I understood through this post
When you have a very unconventional relational and romantic boundaries, then invite new people into the dynamic without clearly explaining how those things work situations like this are doomed to happen.
Would Sam have been dating you had they known you were interested in non-monogamy from the beginning?
Also, Sam is not your good friend, and why would he be? From an objective outside observer, it seems like you broke a Sam’s heart and now he has very little respect for not only you but the dynamics of the relationship group at large and believes that while monogamy in a relationship his preference, he likely believes that the fluidity of your stance on monogamy extends to those in your wider circle so I can the single man not sleep with whomever?
In this situation, there are huge amounts of lack of communication in consideration, seemingly across the board.
Sam doesn’t sound like a good person to keep around.
Sounds like Sam’s mastered betrayal on multiple difficulty levels
Why are you even keeping Sam in your life? Bro has mastered toxicity and deceit perfectly.
I can’t keep up with who slept with who here. Just block everyone, move away and meet new friends.