My daughter’s (8F) dad (30M) has been not very involved pretty much her whole life. He sees her once a month for a few hours (his choice).
I could go on and on about the amount of sh-t he’s done but that’s not what I want to talk about.
Her dad “Brad” has been in a relationship with “Janet” for 5 years. They got engaged 2 years ago. The other day, I was speaking to him regarding visitation access and he told me he moved to a different house in January.
I was very surprised as I wasn’t told this at all and where I live he legally has to tell me if and when he moves. He then told me that he and Janet were ‘separated’ and had been for a few weeks now. I tried asking questions but he didn’t really want to talk about it so I let it go.
My daughter saw his mother for the day yesterday, and when she dropped my daughter off, I asked if I could talk to her about him and what’s been happening as I was concerned about this change for my daughter (she struggles with sudden transitions).
His mother then proceeded to tell me that Brad and Janet got married in December 2024 and had bought a house together, but then she broke up with him because “she didn’t want to be married anymore”.
I was shocked. Genuinely shocked. I was stammering and was processing what I had just been told. And my daughter heard it all.
Brad’s mom was surprised that he didn’t tell me any of these things and she said he hopes that he’ll focus more on our daughter. Her and I aren’t close, but we’re on good terms.
I spent the rest of the night processing everything I had learnt. And then this wave of rage and devastation engulfed me.
I didn’t want to believe that she was intentionally left out of the wedding so when I confirmed the official marriage date, I began going through he and I’s conversations and my calendar to see if she was with him that day and I just didn’t know…. I was wrong. She was with me the day of his wedding. Then I started wondering oh maybe he asked for it and I said no because we were busy, or maybe it was a last minute wedding, but as I scrolled through the messages, he never asked for her to be with him that day and his mother confirmed ge gave his parents and other family advance notice to save the date.
He intentionally left her out of his own wedding.
I cannot describe the pure rage I feel for this man right now. When I got married in 2021 to my husband, she was our flower girl. She walked me down the isle. My husband had special vows he wrote just for her. She was a huge part of our wedding. And because of that I can’t help but feel nothing but anger and intense sadness.
I don’t know what to do with this information. I’m still processing it all and my daughter is actively in therapy so I did mention this to the therapist. I’ve asked her if she wants to talk about it but she doesn’t want to, so I’m not forcing it.
I think the point of my post is, I’m angry. I want to scream at him and tell him how dare you intentionally leave her out? How could you fo this to her? Your own child. You selfish f-cking prick.
How would you react if this happened to you? Am I right to be this absolutely enraged? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Comments
Cut off brad entirely, let her early memories of the a-hole leave, he clearly doesn’t seem to present in her life
You are right to be outraged, but at the same time, mum to mom, you should do absolutely nothing.
Kids are smart, and you have her in therapy (so she has someone without the emotional connection) to work through it.
Keep turning up, keep being consistent. It sounds like you (and your husband) are her rock, her solid ground. As she gets older she will need that for more reasons than this, and she will (and probably already does, even if she doesn’t have the words for it) absolutely recognise her dad as the shifting, unstable sands.
Let him clean up his own mess. Do not get into the middle of the relationship he has with his daughter. Consider family therapy for your daughter and let your daughter and her therapist decide how to alert her father of her feelings.
Do not make the mistake that his wedding conveys the same approach you would have towards that change in life.
My ex husband was married 8x after me (sadly I was first). He only invited his children to his 2nd marriage and then thereafter he stopped. My kids were hurt but then he just had this cavalier attitude toward marriage and break ups that I became relieved that my kids were not included. He was just a messed up person. I focused on my relationship with my kids. I would listen and validate their feelings but I let my kids figure out how they wanted to approach their father. They were smart enough to realize they were not a priority for their dad so they just followed his lead. They didn’t try to develop relationships with each of his succession of wives. Their relationship with their dad was strained but they knew to keep their expectations low.
Just take a step back. Love your daughter and be her safe place.
Personally if you don’t already receive child support I’d take him back to court and change for 100% custody and increase in support.
Keep her in therapy. Don’t you be the one to shut the door on her father lest she resent you for doing so at a later date. Give him enough rope to hang himself.
IMO, I wouldn’t do anything. Put the knowledge away in a box with all the other things he done as a failed father and just keep it somewhere in the back of your mind until one day you need to use it.
As much as you want to find justice for your daughter – it might not benefit her if you confront her bio dad. Yes – he’s a shitty dad. But you’re not responsible to show her how shitty he is. That’s his job. Confronting him only makes it seem like he should matter more to your daughter’s life than he actually is.
All you can do is to help her navigate through her feelings, and also show her that she is loved and cared for.
I’m not supporting Brad in this, fwiw, but do you know if there were any kids at the wedding, or if it was a child free event?
I would just drop the rope in regard to him and your daughter. If he makes the effort to contact you to see your daughter but don’t chase him to visit.
You have a husband that actually loves her so she has a solid father figure.
We all know blood definitely doesn’t make family.
I to would be livid and equally heartbroken on behalf of my child.
I’m going to answer this as the 7 or 8 year old girl I was when my narcissist father informed my brother and me that he didn’t pick us up the previous weekend, because he went to blah blah town to get married to this lady we met like 2 times before. I was hurt, angry, confused… all the feelings. He didn’t even ask us if we liked this lady… we didn’t know her. And he waited until he was dropping us off at home to tell us. I’m 64 now, and he’s dead, but that has stuck with me thru my entire life. I never forgave him, and it put a big giant rift in a very rocky relationship. He was the kind of man who ditched his responsibilities by giving us up for adoption to our step-dad (who was wonderful) just to try and take credit for how we turned out when we became adults. Didn’t keep promises and was never on time. Didn’t take time to attend programs, and tried to shame us for having a healthy relationship with our REAL dad (aka adopted dad). Ex will get what he has coming. It may not be today, or even this decade… but he will.
Do nothing. I let my deadbeat ex shoot himself in the foot with our kids. She will figure him out and treat him in kind. You just keep being there for her and ask her what she wants and how she feels.
Other than letting your daughter know that any time she wants to talk about her father or anything else, you will listen and keep it confidential, you should do nothing. At 8, your daughter is old enough to begin figuring out where she wants her father to be in her life and what role he’ll play. In a few short years she’ll decide if she even wants him in her life.
Keep doing what you’re doing; keep loving her and continue her therapy.
Maybe the first step is to find out if it was a childfree wedding? If it was, it makes sense that she wasn’t included. Yes, she’s his child but not all venues are suitable for children. You probably need more information.
Also just because you involved her at that level with your own wedding doesn’t mean that his new wife also wanted that to happen. Sadly, there were two people making decisions about that wedding so it may not even be him that vetoed her presence. It could have been her saying no. You won’t know that until you talk with him about it.
He sounds like a loser though but it’s pretty obvious if they’re already living separately that there were problems. Maybe don’t go off without getting his side of things. Maybe he wanted her there but she didn’t. Worth finding out.
Sorry for your mean ex. Your daughter knows who loves and supports her. I hope he is not surprised when she is an adult and won’t help him when he is in trouble.
Just ask him about it. I would imagine his attitude would easily be that they didn’t want to cause drama. Your daughter was such a huge part in your wedding because you made sure she was included. His bride, for whatever reason, chose not to include his daughter in her wedding. Usually if the stepmom wants something to do with the child, so does the dad, but if you don’t have the push from the female in his life, the men usually do bare minimum parenting. And the moment they got married and she realized she was with a man with a child, she had to go. Strange. I wonder what it was that push her over the edge so quickly. I bet op could guess. They both sound terrible, be glad he wants little to do with her, he can’t teach her bad stuff if he isn’t around.
A marriage that didn’t even last two months, a father who visits once a month… with a guy like that, what did you expect?
I know it’s annoying, but you can’t do anything in this case other than be nearby.
Why are you still giving him access to her when she couldn’t care less about his own daughter? From what I’m getting you and your husband are a safe and loving place for her. She doesn’t need to feel like a bother to her own father or feel like she isn’t important to him, that would do more damage.
You should say nothing to him and get ready to ask for 100% custody of your daughter. Stop allowing her to be in a place she’s not wanted, loved and appreciated. She doesn’t need to feel that way.
Go for full custody, no visitation unless the child chooses, based off of him not having her at the wedding.
This man isn’t a father, he was just a sperm donor. Don’t allow the actions of a sperm donor to anger or even surprise you. This isn’t worth even taking up with him because he legitimately doesn’t care. It would be a waste of time.
Be there for your daughter. Support your daughter. Keep taking her to therapy. Nobody can force this man to WANT to be a father. He has to want to and he doesn’t. Yes, this will always be a hurt in your daughter’s life, but keep supporting her, and don’t bad-mouth him to your daughter. She’ll sort out as she gets older what her relationship with him will look like and she likely won’t want one. That is her decision.
Unfortunately your daughter has to learn on her own that her dad ain’t shit like many kids. Moms got to let their kids see who their fathers really are. As much as it hurts to see your kids hurt that’s something they will have to go through eventually. She has a therapist who will help her and help you to help her get through this that’s all that matters.
You can yell and scream at your ex but he knows what he did and he knows it was wrong. He did it anyway. Protect your kiddo. Shes eight and she will remember so don’t tell her about missing the wedding. If it comes up, leave it to your waste of skin to explain.
My ex also kept our daughter (10F) out of her marriage a few years ago. Like you, I was also extremely pissed off. I think I still am. When I’ve brought this up to others, it’s all they need to know to form their opinion about her Mom. To this day, she still excludes her from their family vacations, but does bring their newest daughter. She doesn’t hide it though. She explicitly says they’re going on vacation, and that I have to watch her for the time they’re gone even though she was primary custody (60/40 parenting split due to our schedules).
Your anger is understandable. And I hope your daughter is able to work through how she feels about it in a healthy way. Most, if not all, of my friends and family have wanted me to push her Mom to bring her to the events she explicitly says they’re going to without her. I’d rather her be with someone who does want her there, instead of being forced to be somewhere/with someone who would rather her not be there.
Continue to care of each other. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Try not to get sucked into his bs. There will be plenty more where this came from. Just focus on protecting your daughter. My ex husband was like this & now none of his adult children deal with him. He has younger children with different women & the older they get the less they deal with him too. The sad thing is, one day he’ll be looking for his kids & they’ll be there about as much as he was there for them growing up.
Oof. I was three years older when this actually happened to me. My dad had been dating his AP after leaving my mom. He used to pick my siblings and I up and take us to school in the morning, to spend more time with us. One Monday morning he picks up us, turns around and told us him and AP got married over the weekend. I was crushed and stunned. It’s weird because their marriage never felt real to me. Our relationship never recovered.
I wouldn’t be bothered by the fact that she wasn’t at the wedding. He’s not really in her life at all and his wife is probably a stranger to her. Weddings aren’t really kid friendly events anyway, and that one likely would’ve been uncomfortable for your daughter, being alone among strangers. It’s sad she doesn’t have a father who loves and wants her in his live, but it’s not like you can change who her father is now. Just keep showing up for her like you do, at least she has one involved parent.
My husband has five kids. None of them were at our wedding because we eloped to Las Vegas for a weekend. There was no one there except the two of us. No family or friends.
I’m not defending your exhusband but if he and “Janet” did a quicky Vegas wedding, you might be wasting your time being angry. I’d find out all the facts before getting too wrapped around the axel about it. It sounds like you have enough other stuff to be pissed about with that guy anyway.
My daughter’s father was like that. He did have her in his wedding though, but I think he was still trying to play the good dad at that point. Either way he was a shitty father. At one point my mom said I should tell him off. I just said that I’ve already done that many times and it never changes anything and it just gets me aggravated so I’m not doing that anymore. My daughter is grown now and acknowledges that he wasn’t a good dad to her. She came to that conclusion all on her own. The only solace she takes in that is that she says he was a good dad to her younger brothers (from his current marriage). I don’t know how good of a dad he was to them, knowing him, but I still hate that he wasn’t a good dad to her. She deserved better but at some point there’s only so much you can do as a mother.
Also, you have every right to be mad. I would be enraged too! I’m sure you’re feeling a lot of the same things I’ve felt over the years and I still get mad thinking about them all these years later. The best thing you can do is to love your daughter and be a good, consistent parent in her life.
I’m sorry this happened to your daughter. My kid’s dad didn’t tell them he was married. One day my kid was asking what it means when a girl wears 2 rings instead of just the engagementring (they were there for the engagement). I said, typically, it means they’re married. And that’s how they learned their dad was married.