My Ex (22F) and I (22M) started dating junior of high school and our relationship lasted 4 and a half years. She was my first love and I cherish so many of the memories of our relationship but there was many parts of that relationship that did not work for either of us and it was time to move on from for both of us. She was the one that broke up with me and as much as I recognized that there were issues in our relationship she was very much the one to make the decision to end the relationship. It ultimately came down to us not being compatible with each-other, I like to explain it as “the way I expressed my love for her was not in a way that connected with her and vice versa.”
It was just over 9 months ago that we broke up and it was very difficult for me. I chose to start going to therapy again and to start taking medication to help with my anxiety. I put a lot of effort into working on myself and learning what I really wanted in a partner so that when I was ready I would know what I needed to look for. I had fully planned to wait until I graduated from college before I started dating again but 2 months ago I started hanging out with a group that I had been friends with for awhile in college but hadn’t spent a ton of time with. One of the people in this group is a girl (22F) that I had known since I was a freshman, we had lived in the same dorm hall, but had not spent a ton of time with. We got to know each other a bit through hanging out in a group but we soon found that we had a lot in common and I asked her out on a date. A few days ago we decided that we would be mutually exclusive but I told her that I wanted to take things slow because I really liked her and I was worried about rushing things since my last relationship was a serious long term relationship and I wasn’t super experienced in being in a new relationship and I wanted to relax and enjoy building our relationship.
The big thing is that my Ex and this new girl that I am dating are in the same sorority and do not have a great relationship with each-other. They had previously had conflicts with each other a few years ago when they held leadership positions in the sorority and have not liked each other since then. As my Ex has learned of our relationship, through us being seen together in person and on social media, she has started to do things that I feel are directed at upsetting me or at the very least trying to show her displeasure toward my new relationship. The biggest occurrences being when she sent a Snapchat to my best friend from home that she hasn’t gone out of her way to talk to since high school, uninviting the new girl I am seeing from a birthday party at her house (the birthday was for a mutual friend in their sorority that does not live at this house) and one of her roommates saying she might try to fight her if she gets too drunk, and most recently yelling “fuck you” to me from her front door as I walked down the street on my way to my house.
At this point I am conflicted on whether or not I should try to say something to my Ex. I think what she is doing is incredibly disrespectful to my and people that are close to me and while most of it is easy to brush off it is really saddening for someone that I used to love to do this to me when I don’t feel that I’ve done anything wrong. I don’t think saying anything to her would make a difference but at a certain point if this really starts to effect the lives of people around me more than it already has I feel like I would have to. What do you all think?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: My Ex (22F) and I (22M) started dating junior of high school and our relationship lasted 4 and a half years. She was my first love and I cherish so many of the memories of our relationship but there was many parts of that relationship that did not work for either of us and it was time to move on from for both of us. She was the one that broke up with me and as much as I recognized that there were issues in our relationship she was very much the one to make the decision to end the relationship. It ultimately came down to us not being compatible with each-other, I like to explain it as “the way I expressed my love for her was not in a way that connected with her and vice versa.”
It was just over 9 months ago that we broke up and it was very difficult for me. I chose to start going to therapy again and to start taking medication to help with my anxiety. I put a lot of effort into working on myself and learning what I really wanted in a partner so that when I was ready I would know what I needed to look for. I had fully planned to wait until I graduated from college before I started dating again but 2 months ago I started hanging out with a group that I had been friends with for awhile in college but hadn’t spent a ton of time with. One of the people in this group is a girl (22F) that I had known since I was a freshman, we had lived in the same dorm hall, but had not spent a ton of time with. We got to know each other a bit through hanging out in a group but we soon found that we had a lot in common and I asked her out on a date. A few days ago we decided that we would be mutually exclusive but I told her that I wanted to take things slow because I really liked her and I was worried about rushing things since my last relationship was a serious long term relationship and I wasn’t super experienced in being in a new relationship and I wanted to relax and enjoy building our relationship.
The big thing is that my Ex and this new girl that I am dating are in the same sorority and do not have a great relationship with each-other. They had previously had conflicts with each other a few years ago when they held leadership positions in the sorority and have not liked each other since then. As my Ex has learned of our relationship, through us being seen together in person and on social media, she has started to do things that I feel are directed at upsetting me or at the very least trying to show her displeasure toward my new relationship. The biggest occurrences being when she sent a Snapchat to my best friend from home that she hasn’t gone out of her way to talk to since high school, uninviting the new girl I am seeing from a birthday party at her house (the birthday was for a mutual friend in their sorority that does not live at this house) and one of her roommates saying she might try to fight her if she gets too drunk, and most recently yelling “fuck you” to me from her front door as I walked down the street on my way to my house.
At this point I am conflicted on whether or not I should try to say something to my Ex. I think what she is doing is incredibly disrespectful to my and people that are close to me and while most of it is easy to brush off it is really saddening for someone that I used to love to do this to me when I don’t feel that I’ve done anything wrong. I don’t think saying anything to her would make a difference but at a certain point if this really starts to effect the lives of people around me more than it already has I feel like I would have to. What do you all think?
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Your ex is in the wrong. You waited nine months after she dumped you to date again. You did nothing wrong. She’s just butt hurt over who you picked to date.
You should stand up for your relationship
For sure just drop your ex…
Over time just check that your new partner is with you for you and not scoring status and petty wins by being with you just to piss of your ex.
Jealousy and envy are what a lot of people like to do to get revenge, not saying it is so, just curious as the way you have written makes it a possibility…
Your ex’s behavior is unfortunate, harassing and abusive. You might try texting or emailing her a short, clear message letting her know your concerns and asking that you both move on with grace. Ask for peace. Don’t place blame (although it sounds like she has plenty), just acknowledge the hurt all round. Putting things in writing documents your concerns and sometimes is taken more seriously. If it isn’t, you or your g/f can escalate to sorority admin or campus police.
Someone needs to talk to your ex and point out that evening if she doesn’t care about how you or your new partner feel due to her crap behaviour, she should care enough about her own reputation to stop acting this way as other people are not going to put up with such dramatics and this will end up blowing up in her face and her losing a lot of friends.
Your ex sounds very self absorbed (didn’t care about ye guys breaking up after ending it herself but only caring once she realised you had finally moved on) so I doubt she’ll give a damn about anything you say about how her behaviour is adversely impacting you or your new girlfriend, so I think the only way she’ll change her behaviour is of someone else calls out the crappy behaviour and tells her that what she’s currently doing makes her look petty and desperate and an ass and she’ll lose people’s respect or friendships.
Source: dated a guy very similar to your ex when I was 20 and him 22. He didn’t give a damn about how his jealousy affected me or my new partner. It was only when someone else called him out and he realised people’s opinions of him were being destroyed that he course corrected. He never did it for my sake, only so other people didn’t realise just how much of a dickhead he really was and to ensure he didn’t blow up his entire social life in college.
Y’can’t not have your cake and eat it too.
22 seems awfully old to be acting this childish. Since she broke up with you she likely felt that she had all the control in the situation. You moving on has made her feel like she’s lost that control and she is acting out.
I don’t know if there’s really a way to deal with her aside from waiting it out. I can’t imagine she will be willing to have a real adult conversation about appropriate ways to treat others. Is there a mutual friend that might be able to help her channel her feelings away from this tantrum?
Your ex needs to grow up. You are not in middle school anymore, you are adults. Mention that to her. You’re 22, not 12.
Let the sorority handle it. Just keep on keepin’ on.
Just tell your Ex jealousy is a really ugly color for her. People have noticed are you sure you want this to be how you’re seen?
Go scorched earth on her.
I agree with the comments about your ex being an AH.
My petty side is locked in one that “fuck you” yell. Consider if it happens again yelling back something like “no thanks, my standards are now higher and you don’t qualify.”
Don’t say anything to your ex.
Next time she cusses at you when you’re passing by, smile broadly and wave at her.
If your new girlfriend gets uninvited for any events you’re going to,then don’t go.
Stand up for your new partner.
Don’t ever contact her,that’s what she wants.
Ignore her completely.
Updateme!
Text her parents asking them to reason with her escalating harassment.
But, but you didn’t fight to win her love back. You moved on instead of crying to everyone that you renounced to everything and would become a monk in a Balkans’ monastery. S/
Don’t engage with her. That is what she wants. Let others know that she is trying to cause drama and you don’t want to be part of it.
Move on with your new life.
Don’t engage with your ex. You are moving on with your life, and she clearly is not. That is something she needs to work out for herself.
Your ex is just ass hurt that you’re not sitting at home pining and waiting for her to decide she suddenly wants you back. You had no responsibility to do that. My advice would be to talk to her and tell her she needs to stop. “Look…you broke up with me. I moved on. I’m allowed to do that and you need to stop yelling obscenities” and whatever else she’s doing just because she doesn’t like the fact that you moved on
They all are. Youll get use to it
What other people think of you is none of your business. What she’s doing is disrespectful, and it reflects on her, not you or the new GF.
Unless she’s making life miserable, ignore her and enjoy the new GF; that will be the best revenge as it will drive the ex- f-ing nuts.
Gray rock
Fill your friends in on everything she is doing. Make it clear you will set boundaries of not seeing her if her aggression continues it will effect your friendships to protect your peace and new relationship
You haven’t done ANYTHING wrong. If she has a problem with you moving on, or who you moved on with, that’s on her. Try to ignore it as best you can.
I wouldn’t talk to her about anything. But if you want to get petty, spread a rumor that you broke up with her because she had an STD. But I would do it anonymously.
She’s upset because you finally put the work in to better yourself and make the changes that she wanted. Then you pick someone you know would hurt her. You’re being an insensitive jerk. She shouldn’t be harassing you but I can see why she’s hurting.
Just smile and wave seeing your doing great obviously bothers her so thats her problem
Go to your new gf and tell her you don’t like how your ex is acting but also don’t want to do anything about it before talking to her and getting her take on it since she’s the one that’s going to be running into your ex more and you don’t want to do anything that’s going to be out her in an awkward situation.
Hopefully between the two of you you’ll come up with a solution and bonus if it helps you and new gf establish good communication early in the relationship.
She thought she had the upper hand when she broke up with you, she thought you would be miserable. But you moved on with grace, and she is still the same old person you left. Now, the fate is completely sealed. Until now, you were her ex, but now you are someone’s boyfriend. She cannot digest that you are not related to her in any way anymore
She wants attention. Will you give it to her when you should be focusing on your new relationship?
The question, why the fuck are you still talking to your ex?
Read through the comments and was surprised to see the amount of people saying you should talk to your ex about it. This is just my take on it, but…
Absolutely do NOT lol.
I have been in this scenario before (suspiciously when I was around your age), and only figured this out in hindsight. Your ex wants the emotional security of knowing she can “have” you if she wants. Dating someone new takes this emotional security away from her. She’s having to lose you for the first time now, as she was well aware that you didn’t want your relationship to end and subconsciously knew you were “there” this whole time.
“Who” you’re dating now is a non factor IMO. It’s not exactly breaking news that two early 20’s girls previously didn’t like each other. My advice would be to block your ex, do not reply or reach out, and literally ignore her. If your current GF hasn’t already caught wind of your ex and her “shenanigans”, she will. You’re in for a BAD time if you let your emotions get the best of you and try to mediate something by interacting with your ex and your current GF.
Ultimately your ex wants to sabotage your current relationship. You’re literally the only person who can allow her to. Your call.
Your ex dumped you so she doesn’t get a say in your life or relationships going forward. This is awfully presumptuous of her, like her opinion even carries weight anymore. Live your life and stop worrying what your ex thinks. She had her chance and blew it.
Just ignore her dude. Also don’t date sorority chick’s.
> What do you all think?
She was all Pikachu faced when she realised that you weren’t pining for her like a Norwegian Parrot does the fjords.
Restraining order. Bitches be crazy.
“I cherished the memories of our time together, but based on your current misbehaviour, I’m starting to view our past as something negative and shameful.”