Alright this is a LONG read – sorry in advance.
This is a post I wrote 6 months ago. It didn’t get posted but I think its good background context for my question. This will include an old post I wrote up plus new context. I did think about posting in r/breakup but I don’t think its strictly about the breakup.
OLD POST-
I 22f am married to my husband 25m. We’ve been together two and a half years and been married for one.
Background: both had previous long term relationships (lived with other partners) and had met online thru mutual friends. Eventually we were both single and got in touch. We did move quickly but I don’t regret that. He is an amazing person and partner. I trust him completely, he is safe, kind, funny, loving, and extremely understanding. For the first time I have zero doubts about someone. I know he won’t hurt me, loves me deeply, and thinks I’m beautiful and cool.
The problem is maybe 6-8 months ago I started realizing I wasn’t happy and didn’t know why. We talked of course and he tried anything I could think to fix it. I started realizing I was bored and that when we did stuff together often it felt forced.
Fast forward to a new job where I started trying to make friends because I don’t have a ton (due to working often and being tired). I made friends with a guy 22m and obviously said I was married and talked all the time about my husband. I didn’t ever feel he had any interest in me and genuinely just liked to hangout when work was slow. Eventually we started gaming together then hanging out outside of work. Obviously my husband knew the whole time. Randomly I had a thought that I liked spending time with him a lot and thought he was cute. Immediately I didn’t know why I thought that, felt very guilty, and told my husband. He said its the first time I’ve made friends since I moved and I was probably confusing feelings and that even if its a crush its harmless. I agreed and kept hanging out. I realized that I really do like him which made me feel so sick. I ended up telling him that as an explanation for me needing to take a step back from the friendship as I felt weird. He ended up saying he understands and that he liked me too but didn’t want to say anything because he knows I love my husband and didn’t want to start anything. I of course told my husband that too. Eventually we decided to be friends with the air cleared as I’m now close to some of his friends and we still work together. Now I’m at the point where I genuinely like him and want to spend time with him a lot and find myself imagining what things would be like if we were together. I’ve explained this to my husband, talked to my mom, and my best friend. They all say its crazy to throw away something when nothing is technically wrong (again I love my husband and he is a very good person) for something I don’t even know if its good. I understand that completely and logistically I agree but emotionally I just feel so disoriented and overwhelmed. If I stay I’ll feel guilty knowing my feelings for someone else exist and also sad because I will end the friendship out of respect. If I leave I’m scared its a mistake and sad for my husband who literally has no one else and has been such an amazing person who helped me tremendously when I was broken. I don’t want to hurt anyone and literally have thought about just going ghost and moving to a potato farm and never speaking to another person because this sucks.
Before anyone asks- I’ve been working with the coworker about 6 months, we work long shifts together, gamed a lot and hung out a lot before I even realized. I do know him as a person and do think he’s a good person. I’ve been around enough bad to recognize it. I guess I like him a lot because we have more in common and even just watching tv feels better which makes me feel horrible. I understand it could just be infatuation but I’m hesitant to believe that. He’s not even necessarily my type like if I saw him walking I wouldn’t stop and stare versus my husband is my exact type snd absolutely beautiful. Its not about looks, they make similar money, both kind, successful, cool, and interesting people. There is literally no reason this is happening besides my feeling which I haven’t been able to change or totally understand. I literally explain it as the vibe is something I always wanted with my husband but I don’t think we have and when I felt it with a random person I started spiraling and feeling very bad.
NEW POST-
Fast forward to a few months after I wrote that out. When my husband and I got together we were both open to us not being the only ones in eachothers lives forever but didn’t work out specifics. We said we’d cross the bridge when we got there. To me the above was that bridge and I was honest from the second I realized I had feelings. He didn’t like the idea at all and I respected that. I chose to marry him and I’d honor that above anything else, including my own feelings. I suggested couples therapy and he agreed. During that time he said he wanted me to change jobs and I said absolutely not. I do work with that coworker everyday but I don’t explicitly have to have contact with him unless I need help which isn’t often. This is my dream job and I knew my coworker would be respectful, even if it was occasionally awkward. We fought over this a lot and I felt like I was being blamed for everything when I told the truth and accepted his change of heart about everything. He ended up telling my mom f50s a bunch of stuff (when he was upset) and I read all the bad things she said about me. Shes the only family I have and my relationship with her is really important to me. She never wanted kids and admittedly tends to put me down in front of anyone I’ve dated. She likes me when its convenient for her. He immediately felt bad and regretted bringing her into it but the damage was done and I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. It hurt me so much that he did that and that she wouldn’t even have a discussion about anything just immediately assumed I was in the wrong.
I asked for space because I was overwhelmed with everything. In that time I realized I really hadn’t been happy for a long time. He can be a very negative person and it started to drain me. We had so many discussions from almost the start about him going to therapy and trying to figure himself out. I’ve been in therapy since I was 6 due to a rough childhood. When we met I knew he basically bottled everything up and acted like he was fine all the time even when I knew he wasn’t. It started to cause me a lot of anxiety and feeling helpless because no matter what I did he never seemed happy. I gave him all the tips I learned over the years, helped him with insurance, helped him find a therapist but he never really went. I knew he was depressed but nothing seemed to make a difference. I knew if he didn’t want to change he wouldn’t.
It came to a head when my coworker got me an extremely thoughtful gift and again I realized my husband had never gotten me anything like that despite me being really easy to shop for. I always went all out and I didn’t even expect that back just some thought. Even his proposal to me was super hurtful. He got a ring and just wrote it in a Christmas card and thats it. I knew he was planning to ask and I wanted to do something special for him to so I spent hours making this origami card and decorated the living room with flowers and candles and music and a nice meal and a custom ring with my fingerprint and special engraving. I eventually told him that the lack of effort in things hurt and I felt unappreciated. He said he’d do a make up but it never happened.
We kept taking space because at this point I didn’t even know if I could continue being the partner I was because I was so burnt out and hurt. I was so scared he was going to leave so I reassured him that I loved him so much and I just needed time to get my head together and figure out how to make it work. He said he understood and in that time he’d try to get started in therapy. We were still present and talked but didn’t share a room and generally took more alone time for about a month.
Now, I have never really been the phone checking type. I knew what was gonna happen would happen if I checked or didn’t. However randomly one day I had a really strong urge to check his socials and it was bizarre enough that I actually did. I logged into his insta on my phone and immediately saw messages between him and a girl. It was him saying he’s falling for her, using all my nicknames, telling her the same pickup lines he used on me, and so much other stuff. I texted him immediately like wtf??? and he kept playing dumb asking why I’m upset until I dropped “Why don’t you ask _____ why I’m upset” and he started backpedaling. I left work early and called him sobbing asking for an explanation.
That whole time we were taking space it was so we could focus on ourselves. I had told him our whole relationship if he wanted to do stuff with others it was whatever but I’d want to know. But during this time I also told him I wouldn’t be doing anything and asked the same. There were actually many nights where I had panic attacks thinking he’d leave. He’d hold me and reassure me he wouldn’t and he loves me so much all the while texting her. During this time I had been slowly being more normal and trying to get us back on track yet he was pulling away and I didn’t know why.
During the first phone call he was like a stone wall and I felt crushed. He basically said he does like her and thats that, he was emotionless while I was damn near dying choking on my tears. I told him over and over if he just told me yeah I would’ve been hurt but I would’ve accepted it. But lying to my face over and over? Comforting me while sobbing knowing he was doing this? Acting cold towards me when we were supposed to be coming back together while secretly doing this?
I knew in that moment I was done. I texted the girl and she was extremely sweet. Said he told her we were divorced (not true). She gave me way more details and it broke me. They went on a date to all the places he took me on our first date, he bought her stuff, he initiated kissing her and touching her butt. When I had asked him if he met her, was intimate, etc originally he said no but once she told me and I confronted him again he admitted to it.
I can’t even put into words how unlike him it was. I’ve dated a lot, had a rough upbringing, and generally don’t trust pretty much anyone. He truly was my best friend, my family, and someone I trusted completely with zero hesitation. All of that being gone in a split second crushed me. He wanted to fix things but I couldn’t. I could’ve dealt with anything genuinely but I can’t accept being lied to. He could’ve slept with 100000 women and stole a car and I could’ve worked through it if he was honest.
I asked for a divorce. Told my mom and she basically just keeps saying it wasn’t that bad and I should make it work. That I “cheated” too even though nothing ever happened, I told my husband everything, let him read my messages (all either work related or friendly), and genuinely asked for his advice as I couldn’t tell if it was an actual crush at first or just me not being used to having close friends and having a difficult time telling the difference between romantic and platonic feelings.
He told me that he didn’t actually mean anything he said to her, he was sorry, blah blah blah. It was like a different person, a monster. He had reassured her in his messages that he wouldn’t hurt her and he’d always be there and she could trust him all the while knowing he was playing us both. He admitted that he just missed me and it was easier to play fantasy with someone else because he thought we were over. I told him I was disgusted that he hurt and innocent women just because he was lonely and couldn’t work on himself.
I ended up filing for divorce.
Surprisingly I’m now dating my coworker. Its been almost a year since meeting him, 6 months since things got rocky in my relationship, and 2 months since we actually started seeing eachother. I felt guilty at first but I know myself that nothing happened while I was married and literally as soon as I realized it was a crush I cut contact. After I filed for divorce I ended up asking to hangout so I could explain everything because I didn’t really know who else to talk to. I feel guilty a lot for being happy now, I feel guilty that I basically did start this all. That I should’ve tried harder to make it work. I don’t talk to my mom anymore. I’m still friends with my ex husband because he has no one and I can’t just leave him. I give him money even tho we don’t live together, I listen to him talk when he’s depressed, I still help him with therapy. Part of me resents him, but I still care and worry for him. He took my already fragile ability to trust and destroyed it even more. I’m scared I “moved on” too fast but 1. I was checked out for a while without even realizing and 2. While I don’t have romantic feelings at all for him anymore I am not moved on. I’m still hurt. I still wish things turned out different. I wish he would’ve taken it seriously all the times I said I wasn’t happy over the years. It took absolutely breaking me for him to want to finally change. He literally said hurting me like that was a wakeup call. If he really loved me why couldn’t he change sooner. Why did hurting me or someone else being a “threat” matter more than just wanting to make me happy.
I don’t know.
It boils down to me asking this- How do I navigate this situation? How do I fix things with my mom, and should I? How do I know if I’m doing the right thing? How do I maintain my relationship with my ex, and should I? How do I manage my guilt about everything when all I wanted was to be happy and I couldn’t continue the road we were on. It felt like I gave chance after chance and it was ignored until it was too late. I guess I just feel so overwhelmed and alone.
I miss my mom but this is just the cherry on top to a long string of her not supporting me even though I’m always there for her. I’m happy to share more information on my relationship with her too if it helps. Short for her- Shes been married multiple times but says I should stay because “marriage is a commitment”, has not supported me much at all since I moved but blames me for being distant even when I explain to her that I feel hurt, I’ve tried to talk to her and it feels pointless.
TLDR: Ex husband cheated, complicated my family life, and I feel guilty for moving on. I don’t know what to do.