Before I met my wife, I dated a woman who was a bad match for me in every area but one: sex. We had chemistry in bed that was unmatched, including sharing our deepest and darkest fantasies and sexual proclivities (very taboo). It was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced, talking about insane taboo things during foreplay, such a vulnerable feeling.
My wife is good in bed but much more vanilla in comparison. I’ve tried to pursue a more adventurous side, and she is game – but (1) does not like talking in bed and (2) isn’t comfortable sharing fantasies. We are a fantastic match otherwise sexually and in most other areas of life.
The problem is that I occasionally think back to the white hot fantasy sharing with my ex and it really sticks in my mind. It’s hard to talk myself out of it, it’s so visceral.
Is this unhealthy? “Just don’t think about it, be happy with what you got” isn’t exactly a realistic strategy. I don’t want my ex and I would never cheat, but I have these thoughts.
Comments
It’s normal for intense past experiences to stick with you, especially around sex. You’re not wrong for having those thoughts as long as you’re grounded in your current relationship and not acting on them, it’s okay. You’re human.
Keep your wife and be happy!
You can still remember the hotness, but I’d take a willing wife that’s a great match but not great at sex, to a bad match that rocks the cock. Sex is only part of a relationship, and while I feel it’s an important part, there are other parts that are very important too and habits and wants can wane over time. A good match is so hard to come by.
It’s unhealthy if it becomes a constant on your mind and causes you distress or affects your sex life & marriage. What can you do if your wife isn’t down, you’re not going back to your ex, you’re not going to cheat? I would hate to think that my husband is fantasizing about his ex and I’m in the dark about it, I’d rather know, but I don’t think most people can handle knowing things like that. Have you expressed to her how much it would mean to you for her to share her fantasies and to talk to you during your time together? People being unfulfilled like this is what leads to cheating. Maybe you could talk to a sex therapist together or introduce her to things slowly. Why are the toxic ones or wrong ones always the best in regard to sex? This is something that I could see getting to me but despite what you said in your share, it is pretty great to have everything else that you do. I’d focus on adding teeny bits of spice to that vanilla. Realistically, what else can you do?
May this never happen to me. I’d die if I found out my husband still thought about his much better sex with an ex.