So a few days ago I was working in my office and my bf sits right next to me, after a while he was doing this weird thing with the back of his hand where he was hitting me with it (on the back of my upper arm) with so much force that even his finger turned red, i told him to stop multiple times and he started laughing, after a while i held his hand and looked him in his eyes and straightforwardly told him to cut it out. He got quiet after this. Me being stupid I looked at him, got closer and asked if he was okay, he smiled and did the dame thing again, REAL HARD this time. It hurt so bad, I just started working again, seeing that I was not talking he tried to apologize multiple times. I did not forgive him and at this point tears started rolling down my cheeks because it hurt so bad and because I felt bad as to why he would do this. Long story short, he apologised like 4-5 times and blamed me for being this way and things seriously when he was joking, locked his pc and walked away. After like one or hours (of me crying, sobbing then eventually stopping) he came back like nothing happened and apologized again. He then tried giving me snacks which he ate himself because my throat was closing up. I eventually started talking a bit but I have not forgiven him.
There is one more gross thing, we were in bed together and he was using his phone, picking boogers from his nose, i was ordering food and he picked one and put it in my mouth?? With so much force that his finger busted my lip and why tf would he do this? Does he not respect me? Do I leave?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
When you told him to stop, he should’ve stopped. Why is he hitting his partner in the first place? OP, this doesn’t sound too good i would consider leaving him.
He absolutely does not respect you, and you need to leave. No one that truly loves you is going to randomly inflict pain and find joy or amusement from it. No one that truly loves you is going to blame you for your hurt feelings after purposefully trying to hurt them. No one that truly loves you would treat you like a child and hold things above your head as privileges to be revoked. No one that truly loves you would accidentally hurt you in the pursuit of forcing something into your mouth- let alone fucking boogers like some uncontrollable 3 year old. Babe, you know the answer, you know you deserve more than this, and you know this isn’t okay.
I would dump him. Here’s my thoughts on this, as both acts basically imply the same things:
Firstly, this just seems like a shitty sense of humor. How is hitting someone or putting boogers in their mouth funny? This is grade school bully behavior.
Secondly, yes, this is absolutely a lack of respect. Not only to do this at all but to continue after repeatedly being asked to stop. Complete lack of respect.
This isnt even behavior you would expect from someone half his age.
It’s not a good sign that you’d put up with him for one second. Get therapy.
If someone physically hurts you (not by accident), you walk away. He knew you didn’t want him to hit you and he didn’t stop, and then when you finally thought you’d got him to stop, he hit you really hard. He wanted to hurt you. He is a bully. His apologies mean nothing when he’s blaming you “for being like that”. He’s testing your limits and manipulating you. No he doesn’t respect you. Yes you should leave.
He is an 8 year old child. Remove yourself from him. Why are you even with someone so emotionally immature. Run!
You need to leave immediately. This guy is an abusive AH. Please tell someone that you need help leaving him. Stay safe.
Okay it was bad and then I got to the end…….um what?
“He was doing this weird thing where he was physically hurting me”. Girl. Come on.
I’m assuming this is already far out of control. He’s inflicting pain on you, and you’re asking him if he’s okay.
Please leave this man. He cannot love you and treat you this way. You deserve better and your guy is out there. This is not him.
He hit you and said it was your fault.
And then you described that not just this situation, but in your relationship, he is generally hitting you on a regular basis.
It means he’s not going to stop so if you want to stop getting hit, you have to leave the relationship
He does not respect you if you forgive him he will only do more and see what he can get away with. He will keep blaming you
[ Removed by Reddit ]
It’s only gonna get worse. You’ve gotta leave now.
How old is this guy 2? Leave his immature self.
Gross – ditch the goober. He sounds like a toddler with no impulse control.
Why does it matter that you lost your V card to him? Like that doesn’t give him any rights to you.
Hitting someone to hurt them is abuse, calling it a joke doesn’t change it l, it’s still abuse.
You deserve better – what stopping you from leaving ? Had he brainwashed you so badly into thinking you can live without him. You can do better for yourself. Choose to better for you.
Yes you definitely need to leave. He doesn’t respect you and his behavior will continue to get worse. Please just leave and find someone who deserves you.
At best he’s an immature loser.
At worst, he’s a wannabe abuser trying to push the boundaries of how much you’ll take. Then your idea of what is acceptable behavior 3 years down the road is something you’d never tolerate today.
(Think: “He was just joking by pretending to trip me. It was my fault it made me fall down the stairs.”)
Respect you? He doesn’t even fucking like you.
if he’s hurting you while he’s in a playful mood I don’t want you to know what he’d do if he was actually angry at you. leave
He is escalating, this is exactly how domestic violence starts out. An abuser always “jokes” first and gaslights their victim afterwards after apologizing profusely.
And he stuffed a nasty booger in your mouth?! Stand up for yourself woman, bounce him to the curb!! If he’s not on the lease with you then change your locks. Keep the old ones to replace once your lease is up. Also, get 4 inch screws for your lock plate, it will help keep the door secured in so it’s harder to kick down.
If y’all are both on the lease then you move out, pack up and stay with a friend. Whatever utilities that are in your name shut off/transfer. Don’t let the lack of finances stop you either, your life and safety are worth more than a blip in your credit history. If he left marks on you document them for your police report. File a police report, and a protection order.
Would love an update!
Yes, you need to leave. This is abusive and it is not okay. He is not respecting you, your bodily autonomy or space, and it’s only going to be a matter of time before he hits you in anger and seriously hurts you. Break it off now, block him from your phone and social media, and if he tries to contact you after that, get a restraining order.
Leave.
There’s something seriously wrong with this guy. How is hitting people and forcing bugs into somebody else’s mouth something fun?
Girl, get out of there. If you continue there he would bet higher, and try worst things.
Dear OP, I have read your responses where you mentioned very emotional things – like losing your v card to this person, being alone and hurt, and that maybe you deserve this.
When we speak this way, it is a part of us that has been treated poorly and we don’t have the power at the time to push back.
I don’t want to tell you to leave him because deep down we both know that you know this isn’t love.
Can you think of someone you love deeply, deeply – or imagine you have a little daughter in the future that you raise and care for and provide for, or even a little pet, would it be okay if this happened to them? If they told you this – would you say – you deserve it, it’s not so bad?
I want to empower you, dear OP, without pushing you away.
It took me many years to leave my abuser because he was like that too – he didn’t care I couldn’t breathe from anxiety caused by his actions, blamed me for “making him” hurt me, told me I’m overreacting etc etc
Things started changing when I started reading more about what abuse encompasses – it’s not always someone beating you into a pulp, there are so many ways to break someone.
I would encourage you to read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,
More threads on Reddit about abuse manipulation, actively engage in comment threads and read them to train your mind to see situations differently, you can even start a chat with ChatGPT and outline a few recent instances of your boyfriends behaviour and keep discussing it in the chat to see the analysis of his actions.
OP, it takes awhile to leave, a few times, especially when a heart is in a place like yours – each person has a life that is full of light and promise, it doesn’t matter whether you lost your v card to him, and you won’t always be lonely or hurt.
I hope it takes you very few times to leave, be brave. Never stop at least reading about these things – even when he acts nice and sweet, you’ll see it lasts only a bit and then starts all over again.
If you can – start therapy or coaching. Discover and invest into who you are.
I personally like psychologist Dr K on YouTube to supplement my own therapy session, maybe check him out.
Thank you for clarifying! I apologize for assuming. If you and him don’t live together then this is the cleanest break for you. All you have to do is send a text: “Our relationship is over. Don’t contact me again.” And then block him.
No, he doesn’t deserve an explanation. You don’t owe him any more of your time.
Yes you leave holy shit
I feel you don’t need to ask if you should leave. I probably would have Homer Simpson strangled a bf if he stuck a booger in my mouth.
Believe me when I tell you that the next thing he will do, is to penetrate your vagina (or elsewhere on your body) with a object, and I do not mean a sex toy.
My first husband acted like your bf is doing now, and it was him showing the beginnings of psychotic tendencies.
We were in bed together one night, lights out, starting to get amorous with each other, and before I knew it he’d whipped out an empty glass Coca-Cola bottle he’d had hidden under his pillow, and tried to shove it inside me. I stopped him, and he laughed it off as a joke. At this point we’d been married for ten years and he’d never done anything like it before, or even hinted that he might want to.
Leading up to this, he had pretended he was going to whip me with his leather belt; tried to physically push me into the arms of a friend’s husband whom he knew fancied me (he also knew I didn’t not reciprocate those feelings); turned off the bathroom light while I was bathing our toddler son, and another time while I was in the shower; put things in my food when I left the table to fetch something, e.g. plastic toys from the cereal packet in my dish of pasta and unwashed lettuce with a tiny snail on it into my salad. There’s a long list but I’ll stop there.
And then he started trying to make me eat things like his boogers, bits of food the baby had spat out, a chicken bone – and more, much more.
After that came the coke bottle assault, next day the DV started, then the awful mind games – now known as gaslighting – including threatening to kill me. And you know what made it so much worse? The way he would laugh at me, like he was really, really amused.
After that I left him.
I suggest you do the same.
Now.
Hey! I was reading through the comments and noticed your Muslim and lost your v card to him – coming from someone who identified as Muslim previously (I’m 19) and held the whole v card thing really close to me, I lost it to my bf as well and I see what you mean by you don’t wanna lose him. I’ve learned that as someone else mentioned here (a mom I think), find someone who can be kind, respectful and caring and not act the way this dude did. V card or not it doesn’t matter at the end of the day if he doesn’t treat you right!
Now it’s up to you if you choose to disclose that you lost your v card to your parents and the whole marriage thing after, but seriously this is a case of whether this guy is being an asshole to you and if he is, I don’t think the v card situation here should be dictating how pure you are!! You got this and I’m hoping you find someone who can treat you better 😊
He is degrading you because he likes it. Yes! Leave! Do not let him convince you otherwise. Leave without warning or notice
Bad bait.
Yikes. He’s got regulation issues, among other things.
And his lack of respect for you combined with the level of force he’s employing, sounds horribly dangerous to me.
I think this is a huge red flag and if he stops now because you threaten to leave, it’ll eventually show back up in a way worse way.