Tldr at the end bit
I come from a small town where everyone knows each other. I was raised in a very strict Catholic household. I had a pretty sheltered life growing up no dating, no parties, none of that stuff. So when I moved to the city for college, it was a whole new world for me I had total freedom.
That’s when I met my boyfriend. He’s a little older, and honestly, the most amazing person I had ever met. He taught me so much about life and love and made everything feel exciting. I was completely over the moon when we became a couple. We’ve been together for 3.5 years now. I had so many firsts with him. Naturally I assumed we would get married, he was my one and only…
Then about 8 months ago, he sat me down and told me he felt like our relationship was losing its spark. I was shocked because I thought we were doing really good. For a second, I thought he was about to break up with me. But instead, he said we should open up the relationship… and explore polyamory. He said it’s more normal now, and that it could actually help bring us closer.
I was hurt. Like, really hurt. I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that. But I loved him too much… he’s my first love. I didn’t want to lose him. So I said yes….
He made some rules like, no bringing other people into our beds (we live separately anyway) and to keep things away from places we’d usually go. But honestly, I didn’t care about the rules. I couldn’t even imagine being with someone else. I only wanted him.
But that first month, things didn’t get better. I saw him less and less. He was always “busy.” I checked his social media and saw he started hanging out with some girl. She posted him all the time. I was burning with jealousy, but I didn’t say anything. When I did see him, he was sweet like always, but it started to feel like he was just trying to make up for not being around. I felt like I was the one doing all the work planning stuff, texting first, chasing after him, holding on so tight while he felt far away.
Then a few months ago, we were supposed to see a movie together, but he bailed on me last minute. I went anyway. While I was there, I ran into one of my friends, and she was with her older brother. We ended up watching the film together (Nosferatu, if you’re wondering). Afterward, we grabbed some drinks and… I started noticing how attractive and funny he was. I caught him looking at me a certain way too, like maybe he felt something too. I didn’t pursue anything though this was all so new to me. Liking someone else? That felt so weird I wasn’t use to anyone but my boyfriend.
He eventually found me on Instagram, and we started talking. I told him about the open relationship and being poly, and he was super chill about it. He said he was happy to spend time with me without worrying about cheating.
We started hanging out more, and honestly… I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I didn’t feel like I had to beg someone for love. Even the little time I spent with my boyfriend started to feel enough, because my heart didn’t feel so empty anymore.
One day, after we’d become close friends, he just kissed me on the lips. And it hit me I had feelings for him.…sexual ones…. We ended up hooking up not long after.
It was amazing. I felt wanted. Cherished. He was so gentle, so generous. I couldn’t get enough of him. It felt like he balanced me out in a way I didn’t know I needed. I finally understood what being poly could really mean loving more than one person in a way that felt real and full. I grew very attracted.
We even joined the gym together and started working out. He’s a busy guy but always made time for me, always invited me into his world and his hobbies. I felt special. And giddy
Then this week, my boyfriend comes to me and says, “I think we should close the relationship and focus on each other.” I was confused. I asked him, “Why? Things are going really good for us.”
He said it’s time to think about the future and building something serious. Then he brought up religion “You’re Catholic, you should understand. If you want this to last, it has to just be the two of us.”
When I hesitated, he started guilt-tripping me, like I was doing something wrong. Like I wasn’t thinking about “us.”
I love him. I really do. But now… I feel confused. I feel upset. I didn’t ask for any of this. He opened the door, and I just followed because I loved him. And now that I found a little peace, a little joy, he wants to shut it all down. It feels unfair.
Also throw away
Tldr boyfriend opened up relationship to become closer with me instead it got worse. I finally start seeing someone else like he does now he wants to close it making me feel bad
Comments
Dude just wanted to sleep with other women.
He didn’t want you to sleep with other men.
Your boyfriend is being manipulative and frankly emotionally abusive.
He wants to control you and wanted to cheat but do it without cheating, hence the open relationship, but now you’re happy with someone else, he wants to control you again, he feels like he’s lost control.
Break up with your boyfriend, he doesn’t deserve you and it would be toxic to end up with him. What about if you stayed, had kids etc, he will open it again and manipulative and gaslight you.
It sounds like you have a wonderful thing going with your friends brother. I would focus on yourself and that relationship.
Lose the dead weight.
Yes. Close the relationship. Dump your boyfriend. He’s not going to marry you. You don’t love your boyfriend. Have a true relationship with the new guy. Does poly even fit in with your personal values, or were you coerced? Get out now.
It’s bizarre you keep reposting this but you aren’t responding to any of the comments.
I mean I thought the point of an open relationship was to just sleep with other people but sounds like your falling hard for the other person if your gyming and stuff and it’s more like you want to date 2 people at the same time but to fill the void your current boyf left you.
I think it’s all a bit fucked for you anyway now so I’d just dump your current boyfriend and see what happens with the other guy
Yeah get out sweetie. Leave bf #1 and go with bf#2 he sounds like he knows how to treat a woman right. He opened Pandora’s box. Not you.
Leave cheating bf, and make it official with another guy.
He just wanted to sleep with other girls with out “cheating”. He probably thought you wouldn’t find someone. But dump him and go with the other guy he sounds better.
lol this is always how it goes. Guy wants to open the relationship, thinks he is going to get tons of attention. Guy gets no attention, woman gets tons of attention. Guy wants to close the relationship. Leave him. He just wanted to cheat but with your consent basically.
Leave. He wanted to open the relationship so he could sleep around without it being considered cheating, it was more about him — he doesn’t like that you’ve found someone. I would dump him and start a relationship with the new guy, get out now.
If you accept his suggestion, most likely he’ll bring up the guy in the future and some nasty comment on how you behaved very un-Catholic. The best route is to fire him off your life.
As someone in a poly relationship, I can tell you that your boyfriend just wanted to sleep with and spend time with some girl he fancied for a little bit. He did not ever want a real poly relationship, he wanted permission.
The way you feel, holding love for both of them, is the basis of an actual poly relationship. But it sounds like your first boyfriend either lost interest in his fling or she lost interest in him.
If boyfriend 2 treats you better….you might want to consider being with him. “First love” can feel special, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay if that love dwindles.
Let me guess what changed in your poly relationship… You told your boyfriend that you met someone.
All you were supposed to do was pine after him, while he ran around hooking up with other women. He truly did not expect that you would find or want someone else to hook up with. As soon as you drop your new dude and recommit to your boyfriend, he’ll want to open the relationship again. Is that what you want?
You are in the driver’s seat.Talk to the new guy. See how he feels about a closed, committed relationship. If he’s on board, go with the person that makes you feel seen, heard, respected and loved. If it’s neither, there’s nothing wrong with being on your own until the right person comes along.
Yeah your current bf is selfish and wanted to sleep around knowing you were waiting at home for him. He only wants what benefits him, he doesn’t care what’s best for you. Dump your current guy and enjoy your time with your new guy without the headache.
The girl he was seeing ended things, you found someone to hang out with and he doesn’t have the upper hand anymore so he’s freaking out. It was over when he asked for an open relationship, just let this dude go.
HES A HYPOCRITE.
Leave and go for the love that wants you and prioritizes you!!!! The relationship failed when your boyfriend checked out. Make him your ex and lock it down with this other guy. That’s your future. That’s what you want.
Take it from me, 33 years old and on the other side of a separation with my ex. I’ve seen and learned. You need an older sister to chat with, kid? Message me. Let’s talk. Please choose the choice that chose you. The dude that wanted to sleep around doesn’t “love” you. You’re convenient. I have friends who successfully live in poly relationships. That’s. Not. It.
Good luck.
Tale as old as time….
Classic.
It didn’t work out with the other girl, and he never actually wanted or expected you to hook up with others.
The new guy sounds nice though. Ditch the dead weight and pursue him instead. Or keep it casual while you heal and explore more. Either way, lose the loser.
Dump the boyfriend. He’s trash. You should have dumped him when he wanted to open the relationship. Do not stay with this dude.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Yup. He wanted to sleep with other people, but didn’t want you to.
Your boyfriend is highly manipulative. He wanted multiple relationships for himself and wanted you to be happy with the dregs of his attention. You ultimately met someone else who is actually nicer, kinder, more thoughtful, more loving.
The second guy is the keeper so if the first one wants you to choose dump him. He will be back to poly when he has you all alone and miserable again. There is no future with him. He deserves to be dumped.
Your bf wanted to open the relationship, because another girl was already in the game. This is how most open relationships start. Now the girl has probably disappeared from the picture and he has no one at his disposal. My honest opinion is, end this relationship. He will want to reopen it when a new girl is interested in him. Referring to your religion now is absolute bullshit. He didn’t care about her before, just as he didn’t care about your feelings. His focus was on the fun with the other girls. He only had time for you if the other person didn’t. He’s a poisonous man. Focus on the one who takes time for you despite a busy schedule.
His other partners didn’t work out, which is why he is coming back to you.
Little older? Is he 32 and you like 24?
Dump his ass. Enjoy someone who enjoys you.
Leave him OP. You’ve just learned there’s better men out there who will care about you, and you’re still so young. End his gaslighting once and for all!
Tale as old as time. He wants to fuck other girls without repercussions or it being labeled as cheating. You clearly weren’t ok with it in the beginning. But now that you’ve found someone and get to reap the benefits of polyamory he is not ok with it. Also, 100% positive that other girl he was fucking dumped him and now he’s feeling like it’s “unfair” that you have someone else in your life.
It’s all about him and what suits his needs best. Doesn’t sound like a great partner.
Many such cases.
Boyfriend number one sounds like a manipulative loser. Even if you don’t end up with boyfriend number two, you should get rid of number one.
It’s a tale as old as time…..FAFO.
Non-monogamy is not for everyone.
Also, this is not non-monogamy. Your boyfriend is an cheating asshole.
-Swinger
The bf didn’t care how you felt when he was hanging out with that other girl. His disregard for your feelings should be enough. You should keep seeing the man who is actually making time for you.
oh geeze, hun, as a 25y/o christian girly myself who’s also still with her first man, this ain’t it. This is NOT how he should treat you, my fiancé NEVER asked this of me, and frankly, no man that’s serious about you ever would.
The relationship was over when he asked to open it. It’s all lies, poly in what was initially a monogamous relationship NEVER works to bring u closer. It’s just infidelity with permission.
DO NOT STAY WITH HIM. He’s already treating u badly and showing his true colors rn, don’t stay with him (or worse, marry him), the abuse 100% will increase with time. He’ll try to tell u anything and do anything to get on ur good side rn, but it WILL get worse. Hold your ground.
My advice, from one believer to another, is ACTUALLY build a relationship with Jesus. Not one your parents or church forced on u. But your own. He will properly fill that emptiness you felt. Nobody else’s love could compare.
As for your dating life, how about try being single for a while? Learn how to function in this world without codependency, learn who YOU are, work on your own goals and ambitions.
Girl dump him & pursue new guy. He only wants to close it because you found someone. It wasn’t an issue when it was him now that it’s you, he can’t handle it
He opened the relationship, so he wouldn’t be caught cheating. He never wanted you to open it.
Drop this selfish AH. He isn’t amazing, he used “losing the spark” as an excuse to sleep around.
Updateme
Rules for thee but not for me.
Your boyfriend banked on your love and religion to prevent you from seeing other men and coerced you into an open relationship because he already was interested in someone else but wanted you as the fallback option.
If you hadn’t met the new guy by chance his strategy would have worked.
Now that your boyfriend has shown his true colors you should really consider how to proceed…
He wanted your permission to cheat. You gave it under the guise of poly. You have found someone far better and he found out and doesn’t like it. He says let’s close relationship, he won’t close it or stop having sex with others, he just wants you to dump your new friend.
You need to decide if that’s how you want your life to be or if you want someone/something better.
I rarely comment on these but here’s my two cents.
If your friend was in the similar situation, what would you tell them?
Dump BF1 for your sake. The situation with him is unlikely to get better than it is right now. He has shown his priorities and clearly you are not one of them. You deserve so much more than his sorry butt. You are really young and you don’t have to stay in a relationship where the other one treats you as a background noise.
Try to pursue the new guy, if you feel the path is right for you. He seems like a good guy who will give you as much time as you need to heal. Stay strong and move on with the right mindset. I believe in you ❤️
I’d bet my house his fling broke up with him.
Girl you may love him but do you want to spend thenrest of your life like this? I wouldnt
He was just looking for permission to cheat, he didn’t expect you to find anyone. Honestly you should have dumped him when he brought it up. Dump him now,move on with the new guy, and stick to monogamy this time
Sounds kind of like you found a great new potential bf, why the hell are you wasting time on the old cheating moron?
Dump the boyfriend and go exclusive with the new guy (if he is up for it).
sigh ¬_¬ I’m soooooo tired 🙄🙄
The boyfriend cannot just change the rules when it fits him. That is a huge red flag. If you stay, he will do that in the marriage when it is more convenient for him.
Time to say goodbye
If you stay with him and make the relationship official, he’s just going to cheat on you. He wants to be with other women but doesn’t want you to do the same. He thought that since you’re Catholic, you wouldn’t be with anyone else. Either that, or the girl he was with rejected him and he couldn’t get anyone else, so now he’s feeling insecure.
His side chick dumped him and he’s insecure knowing you’re with someone else. Good luck with that because when he meets someone else he’ll bring up opening up the relationship again
Dump that hypocrite.
He knew you didn’t want this and that it was hurting you and pushed ahead anyway. Then tried to take it all back as soon as there was something mutually beneficial about the arrangement.
That is NOT marriage material.
This feels unfair. He’s opening and closing the relationship based on his whims and desires to see other women. You should maybe consider ending the relationship and sticking with the new guy.
Dump the bf and see your new guy exclusively. The fact is, your bf wanted to open the relationship because he was already cheating he never expected you to find someone else.
Close that door and thank him for helping you find someone better.
You can’t just turn your monogamous relationship into poly/open without both of you wanting to, to begin with. Your BF forced you into a type of relationship you neither wanted or thought to be in. There’s a reason he immediately started posting some new girl on Facebook, he was already emotionally cheating before he broached the subject of open relationship. He had her ready to go and didn’t want to cheat so that’s what he did.
You’re attracted to this new guy because he puts you first and wants a relationship with you that you yearn and crave. If you go back to being with your bf like before you’re going to be miserable. Dump him
As soon as you break it off with your side piece your bf will want to open the relationship back up lol.
Time to drop the old boyfriend and focus with the new one.
He’s guilt tripping you because opening the relationship didn’t work out for him as he wanted, and now you’ve found someone and he’s jealous
Because you’re Catholic and you come from a small Catholic town, he thought once he got you to agree to open the relationship that you wouldn’t touch anybody, but he could do whatever you wanted. Now the reason why he wants to close the relationship is because the girl he was messing with wanted something more or she got bored of him. So, now no one else wants him so he’s gonna come back to you. Honey, you’re his back up plan. Just dump him and save yourself the mental anguish.
This worked out for the best – you realized how terrible BF1 was and learned how you deserve to be treated with BF2. Choose BF2. And this isn’t a TV show – you don’t only have 2 options for future husband! You’re growing and learning who you are. You’ll learn from your relationship with BF2 also – and maybe end up with an amazing man you meet in 4 years! You are so young. Cherish the love you give and receive and don’t feel you have to soend a lifetime with any of these men if they ultimately aren’t right for you.
Do you really love him? He was all happy leaving you behind to sleep with other women but as soon as you found someone you have to stop? First mistake was to let him push you do do something you did not want to do in the first place.
Manipulation to make you stop. I bet he says I will close but he will still see the other girl while you wait for him as backup.
I think it should end and you should start you rnegergy towards the new guy.
He only wanted an open relationship so he could hookup with the girl without the guilt or breaking up. Now that you have hooked up he wants to close the relationship. He didn’t think you would actually have sex with someone else. He thought you would still be waiting for him to come back to you.
Dump him and date the new guy. Just because he was your firsts doesn’t mean he’s your one.
“Boyfriend , I’ve thought about what you said, and to be honest, I think you have the wrong idea about this entire relationship. You think you get to decide when we’re open, you get to decide when we’re closed, you get to decide what the rules are, you get to decide what our future looks like, you get to decide what I believe and want. Well, news flash. There are two people in this couple, and you do not get to make any more unilateral decisions for us. So now you listen to how I feel. You must think I’m pretty stupid, don’t you? You opened the relationship when I didn’t want that because you wanted carte blanche to sleep with another girl you had all picked out. You wanted to cheat without being called a cheater, and you didn’t care what I wanted. Well, now the relationship is open and I have other lovers besides you. You do not get to snap your fingers and end those relationships because you’ve decided you’ve had your fun. Your options are continue as a poly couple, or break up. I’m not scared of that now; this experience has taught me that I can find love many places. Frankly, I feel more loved with him than with you, and I can’t imagine why I would give that up for the scraps of affection you’ve been giving me. If you DO ever want this relationship to be monogamous or lead to marriage, you’ve got some work to do to convince me, because what you’ve been showing me for the last eight months is that you will not treat me well enough to make me happy with just you. And to be clear: I will not be preemptively closing the relationship or making any other sacrifices based on promises or short term changes. You have steamrolled my feelings and changed your mind too many times and you no longer get that brand of blind trust from me. So, poly or nothing. You choose.”
Leave the boyfriend for the side piece, he’s more invested in you than your boyfriend ever has been it sounds like.
this was an old scam
People are feeding this crap for a long time. You were just to young to know.
Not that I don’t believe some people are really serious about poly, but your boyfriend is obviously not the case.
Do the people who post on Reddit NEVER read the posts on Reddit?????
There has never been a time when opening a relationship at the request of one of the people in it has ended well. The person who asks wants to fuck other people, probably already is, and figures their SO just won’t participate. As soon as she does (because it is always the man asking the woman to let him sleep around), suddenly, he no longer things it’s a good idea, he gets mad at her, he demands she stop. Because he doesn’t want an open relationship. He wants your permission to cheat on you so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.
You love him? But how? He asked you to let him fuck as many other women as he wanted. He did. And you slept with other men. And now he’s grown-man-hissy-fit mad AT YOU. And he tried using religion to guilt-trip you over something he initiated, he wanted, and which is now not working out for him, which he is making your fault. That’s not love.
Dump him.
Awh, get with the new one and bin the old one off
Close the relationship I agree. Dump that POS (that just wanted to fuck other women and thought you’d never find somebody because your religion) and then close the relationship with the other dude, he’s fucking into you. I hopppppeeeeee you see what’s right, I know these decisions are hard and it’s so easy for us to say stuff as we are outside peering in, but please hear what everybody is saying here