Tldr at the end bit
I come from a small town where everyone knows each other. I was raised in a very strict Catholic household. I had a pretty sheltered life growing up no dating, no parties, none of that stuff. So when I moved to the city for college, it was a whole new world for me I had total freedom.
That’s when I met my boyfriend. He’s a little older, and honestly, the most amazing person I had ever met. He taught me so much about life and love and made everything feel exciting. I was completely over the moon when we became a couple. We’ve been together for 3.5 years now. I had so many firsts with him. Naturally I assumed we would get married, he was my one and only…
Then about 8 months ago, he sat me down and told me he felt like our relationship was losing its spark. I was shocked because I thought we were doing really good. For a second, I thought he was about to break up with me. But instead, he said we should open up the relationship… and explore polyamory. He said it’s more normal now, and that it could actually help bring us closer.
I was hurt. Like, really hurt. I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that. But I loved him too much… he’s my first love. I didn’t want to lose him. So I said yes….
He made some rules like, no bringing other people into our beds (we live separately anyway) and to keep things away from places we’d usually go. But honestly, I didn’t care about the rules. I couldn’t even imagine being with someone else. I only wanted him.
But that first month, things didn’t get better. I saw him less and less. He was always “busy.” I checked his social media and saw he started hanging out with some girl. She posted him all the time. I was burning with jealousy, but I didn’t say anything. When I did see him, he was sweet like always, but it started to feel like he was just trying to make up for not being around. I felt like I was the one doing all the work planning stuff, texting first, chasing after him, holding on so tight while he felt far away.
Then a few months ago, we were supposed to see a movie together, but he bailed on me last minute. I went anyway. While I was there, I ran into one of my friends, and she was with her older brother. We ended up watching the film together (Nosferatu, if you’re wondering). Afterward, we grabbed some drinks and… I started noticing how attractive and funny he was. I caught him looking at me a certain way too, like maybe he felt something too. I didn’t pursue anything though this was all so new to me. Liking someone else? That felt so weird I wasn’t use to anyone but my boyfriend.
He eventually found me on Instagram, and we started talking. I told him about the open relationship and being poly, and he was super chill about it. He said he was happy to spend time with me without worrying about cheating.
We started hanging out more, and honestly… I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I didn’t feel like I had to beg someone for love. Even the little time I spent with my boyfriend started to feel enough, because my heart didn’t feel so empty anymore.
One day, after we’d become close friends, he just kissed me on the lips. And it hit me I had feelings for him.…sexual ones…. We ended up hooking up not long after.
It was amazing. I felt wanted. Cherished. He was so gentle, so generous. I couldn’t get enough of him. It felt like he balanced me out in a way I didn’t know I needed. I finally understood what being poly could really mean loving more than one person in a way that felt real and full. I grew very attracted.
We even joined the gym together and started working out. He’s a busy guy but always made time for me, always invited me into his world and his hobbies. I felt special. And giddy
Then this week, my boyfriend comes to me and says, “I think we should close the relationship and focus on each other.” I was confused. I asked him, “Why? Things are going really good for us.”
He said it’s time to think about the future and building something serious. Then he brought up religion “You’re Catholic, you should understand. If you want this to last, it has to just be the two of us.”
When I hesitated, he started guilt-tripping me, like I was doing something wrong. Like I wasn’t thinking about “us.”
I love him. I really do. But now… I feel confused. I feel upset. I didn’t ask for any of this. He opened the door, and I just followed because I loved him. And now that I found a little peace, a little joy, he wants to shut it all down. It feels unfair. I don’t know what to do. Here for advice and support I feel so depressed about it this issue.
Also throw away
Tldr boyfriend opened up relationship to become closer with me instead it got worse. I finally start seeing someone else like he does now he wants to close it making me feel bad
Comments
He was already cheating on you with her, he asked for an open relationship so he wouldn’t be the bad guy when he inevitably got caught.
She’s probably dumped him & that’s the reason for the sudden change.
You finally being happy with the arrangement and having fun of your own is also likely another reason.
He didn’t want or expect you to actually date others, he just wanted an out to do it himself. He likely assumed that as a Catholic you wouldn’t be comfortable doing it yourself so he’d be the only one having his cake and eating it.
Dump the idiot.
i reaaly think you shud break up w the first one , why ? its very easy to fall so deeply with thye very first boy you meett after you get your freedom, hes a narc, things are right when he does it , but wrong when you did it ? thi cycle will come back again even if you guys get married one day which i hope you dont, if it was love you both wudnt have been able to enjoy while being apart. WORST A GIRL CAN DO TO HERSELF IS GET TOGETHER WITH THE FIRST MAN SHE MET AFTER SHE GAINED HER FREEDOM. theres so much in the world and you want to live by a man’s rulebook? PLEASE not saying go marryu the secong one but wait until you grow and experience life an its hardships, till ypou know yourself more , till youre more self aware.
Run!!!! Leave it!!!
The other girl dumped him. Check her socials, I’m sure he’s disappeared off them.
You should close the relationship with the new guy. He sounds awesome.
Just keep the new guy that treats you well and ditch the original asshat. Why would you want to give up someone currently treating you well for aomeone that doesnt value you? He was almost definitely cheating on you and didnt think you would find someone so he opened things to avoid getting caught. You are his backup plan. Soon as you found someone he couldn’t handle it. She probably dumped him too. Let him wallow in his asshattery.
Dump the cheating asshole. You found someone better.
You fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book. “It’s more normal now,” HA, it has always been “normal” for men to see multiple women at a time while expecting loyalty from their original partner! Don’t fall for this next one. Tell him he is right about one thing, you have a relationship that you cherish and you do want to spend your time focusing on it…only it’s not the one you sharED (past tense!) with him.
Move on. He’s a tool.
Dump your bf and date your friends brother. Your bf only wanted an open relationship to cheat without it being cheating, he assumed you wouldn’t date others and now that he is he doesn’t like it. If you think he will stop sleeping around when you close the relationship you are wrong.
Tale as old as time.
He fully did not expect you to see anyone else. This “open” relationship he claimed to want was actually him asking for permission to cheat while you waited for him at home missing him.
Tell him to go back to his other gf so you can pursue monogamy with the new guy.
Dump him and date the new guy.
Baddie you’re 21, you’re smart. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Leave his ass and move on to the new hottie. You’re not poly. Not really, you agreed just to keep your relationship, you never wanted to see other ppl and now his fling is over and he wants to eat his cake and have it too. No. Time to cut him off. He’s a major red flag and ick
Leave him.. first he cheated and now he is trying to manipulate you ..
now you have a better option.. move carefully with the new guy
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Dump the ugly beast
Break up with him, date the brother!
It feels unfair because it is unfair. Don’t let him take advantage of you.
This is common and predictable. Do you know how many times I’ve heard this exact story?
Men want permission to fuck around, so they back you into a corner and make you feel like you have no choice. Then as soon as you meet someone, they feel threatened and jealous and try to close it off again.
It’s not going to work, there’s hurt and resentment and lost trust now.
I feel like he’s right, you should go back to monogamy – as in you should dump your boyfriend and date the other guy. You deserve love, true love wouldn’t discard you for someone else
This is a prime reason as to why if your partner asks to do this when things get “rocky” in your relationship that its not a good idea. Not to mention your initial feelings against it.
Poly is only for emotionally mature people who are secure in their current relationship. Adding another person to a relationship that is starting to have issues is always an excuse to test out relationships with other people while still having the first relationship as a backup. Dump the dude who couldn’t handle your relationship when things got “hard” and go put your energy into the man who actually gives a shit.
As a poly person:
What he did and is doing isn’t poly. It’s cheating with extra steps. Poly has to worked on and agreed upon by all parties. You go in together you go out together. You can’t just drag your partner along and then unilaterally decide to close.
If he “lost the spark” after only 3.5 years and you’re only 21 he is NOT in it for the long haul. He does not respect you.
You want to be with someone who respects you, cherishes you, makes you happy, doesn’t guilt trip you using religion. Out of the two options one dude is the obvious choice here.
The good news is that if you separate it should be simple seeing as you’ve been together for several years havnt been living together. Call up the bf say yeah no, this ain’t working for me your behavior is disrespectful and I don’t want “something serious” with someone who is disrespectful
And then change your locks and your phone number so he can’t freak out on you…bc he probably will.
Why are you still in the first relationship? Seriously
You are letting your BF to drive all the decisions. Take a step back and see what you really want. Also I’m sure there is another reason he wants to close the relationship. BTW your religion was not a factor when he asked you to open up the relationship and should not be relevant now. He is being manipulative.
It’s an open relationship until the girl ends up with whoever she wants 💀 lmao what a loser
He wanted a license to cheat never thinking you’d do so. Maybe you should dump him and focus on the new guy
he was already either sleeping with this girl or wanting to sleep with her and that’s why he suggested opening the relationship up, so he wouldn’t be the bad guy. Now that you have called his bluff and found someone for yourself to sleep with, he wants to close it. He’s all but cheating on you and this should end
You deserve someone that cherishes you. That’s not your boyfriend. He opened the relationship so he could openly cheat. Now that you found someone else he’s jealous. Odds are she dumped him so he treating you as his backup. Don’t be a backup.
What do you want? It sounds like your bf-1 is dictating your relationship. If you want to continue to date other people just tell him you’re good with how it is now and don’t want to change.
Your bf-1 sounds like an ah.
Little men should never push a woman who loves them to go against herself. Boyfriend did and you found something better. Talk to the new guy and see if he wants to be one on one and drop the other guy. You’re too young to deal with that kind of manipulation. Onward and upward as they say!
Go to your new BF and ask if he wants to be exclusive. Hopefully he is interested in the long haul.
Whatever his answer, ditch your old BF, he doesn’t respect you. The next time he has a chance to step out, he will either demand a half-open relationship, or he will just cheat, so let him pull that with his next GF.
Oh, and get a STD test, just because.
There is a reason this older man went after a younger woman. He is not a good man. He met someone and wanted to see if he liked her more. Things were going good he had two (or more, who knows) girls after him for attention and it felt validating and fun for him. But then, you quit vying for his attention and found another guy. Once you have gotten caught up in him again, he will be right back to spending all his time with other women. He is a user. He is not just for the streets, he is one with the streets lol. Also, get an std test — even if you used protection with him.
The only update I want to read is “i broke up with him”
He’s used your inexperience to his advantage and now it’s ended he wants you back, but what happens next time, when he finds someone else to cheat with? With your permission!
The new guy sounds so much better, you also sound happier too, when you write about him.
Don’t become a choice in someone’s life when you can be a priority in someone else’s 😊
Dump him
What a dickhead
This really is a tale as old as time. Please please please dump your boyfriend and close the relationship up with the other guy. Your boyfriend is not an honest or loyal person. He’s also clearly manipulative. Gross. Don’t let him toy with your mind, emotions or heart anymore when you have such a wonderful guy who treats you right and drives you wild (in the right ways) right there!!!! Girl, go get THAT man!!!!
This is always what happens with relationships that all of a sudden get opened up by one side. They eventually realize they aren’t getting attention like they thought they would and the other person is. It sounds like the new guy is much better option for you and I would tell your bf that you either keep the relationship open or you choose the other guy. This is completely your bf’s fault.
Let the “boyfriend” go. He’s not your boyfriend. You’ll marry him and he will keep pulling this shit. Forever.
Date the new guy. Hell, just hook up if that’s what you want.
And when you dump your “boyfriend” be honest.
He broke your heart and you aren’t putting it back together for him to break again. He made his bed he can lay in it. He wanted sex with someone else and now he has it (although he’s probably been dumped lol).
Find the lesson in this – he lied about this being poly, he chose to hurt you over and over to get his dick wet elsewhere. He knew it was hurting you and breaking your heart and he did it anyway. And now that he hasn’t got free access to another vagina he doesn’t want anyone else having yours either. Never mind the fact he’s trying to pin you down with religion?? GTFOH.
This is not someone you want to spend your life with.
LEAVE HIM. Please, for your own mental health.
Just break up with him/ it wasn’t worth saving to begin with so why should he want change now
Your bf wanted to openly cheat on you but didn’t want you being either anyone else. Dump him and be with the guy who treats you well!
Everyone has said things so nicely in a way that I can’t. So I’ll keep it simple.
F your (ex) bf
first loves are hard to let go of, aren’t they? but trust me, the second one will be much better for you 🤭
Cutting it off with the new guy and staying with old guy = 👎
Telling old guy to kick rocks and that you have a new man now = 😽
You’re young and seem like a great person who has so much life to live. Do not limit yourself for someone. Especially one who has tried to guilt trip and manipulate you with the excuse of your religion. You felt free when you left your household. Wait until you see how free you feel when you’re independent and not feeling entitled to put someone before yourself.
This is not the first post I’ve read here about an open relationship that went off the tracks due to jealousy. And I doubt it will be the last.
A partner asks for an open relationship, which is just permission to cheat, and then sees the other person is scoring more than they are.
Your “BF” may want to close up your relationship now, but chances are he’ll find someone else he wants to fork and it will start again.
You have to decide what and who you want long term.
“You’re right, this poly thing isn’t working out with me… I think we should break up.”
Then date the dude that actually respects you enough to not try to get a pass to cheat on you.
Win win.
i think that as others have mentioned, it’s likely that your boyfriend either started having feelings for that other girl, or was getting “bored” with you and went looking for someone else until he found her.
you were his backup plan, his “second choice,” in case things didn’t work out with the other girl.
he should’ve just broken up with you, but likely didn’t want to be alone if things didn’t work out with girl #2, so he selfishly asked you to open things up. if he truly loved you, he wouldn’t have done this in the first place, but, more importantly—your hurt and discomfort at the suggestion should’ve immediately made him realize what a terrible idea it was. if he really loved you, he wouldn’t have gone through with this after seeing how painful it was for you. he did this for him, and him only.. with zero regard for your feelings.
you need to leave OP, he doesn’t respect you. i’m so sorry.
Dump him, stay with your friend’s brother.
Your old boyfriend sounds manipulative and dishonest, even if he’s not honest with himself. Why should he get to make all the rules and decide where your relationship is going? And for him to turn around and use your Catholic upbringing against you? Where was this concern for your Catholic sensibilities when he wanted open up your relationship?
Choose your happiness, choose your peace. Your bf hopefully soon to be ex sounds like his affair didn’t work out and now he wants to feel in control again by closing the relationship with you. Break it off. It’s not worth it staying with a man who never saw your value in the first place and now acts like he can just waltz back in. He treated you like a fallback and it’s time you let him actually fall and hit the ground hard. Your priority is always yourself, remember that. And the new guy sounds awesome. Plus, it seems like he loves spending time with you and genuinely cares about you. Now that’s a keeper.
You should have laughed him right in the face when he asked to close the relationship and the bullshit that followed. What a f•cking manipulator! Hope you find warmth in the arms of the brother of your friend and take it from there, nothing lost here.
If he loved you he would not have pulled this business
Hey, you know what I think? I think the other girl found out about you and dumped him. I bet he lied his ass off to both of you. You should ask her. You should also dump him because he doesn’t love you. This ain’t love.
Yeah your bf is a door knob. He already lost interest in you. He will again. The new guy sounds so much better, he’s worth a shot. The old boyfriend just wanted it open on his end. Now he realizes you’re happy with someone else and he’s trying to do damage control. Too late, he lost you the moment he pressured you into opening the relationship. If you stay, you will resent him later.
He was cheating on you but like a little kid, wanted to have the lollipop AND ice cream. And you gave it to him.
Then you found a better flavour of ice cream and now the lollipop wants you back.
If I were you, I’d ditch the lollipop and go with that sweet, sweet ice cream.
I could never ever do an open relationship, i’m very monogamous. However, i’ve seen people make it work. The key is that the two main participants love each other primarily, and its just a sex fling with everyone else. Otherwise all participants have to actively be in love with each other, like a polyamorus relationship.
He wants to control it all. Once you enjoy yourself he cuts it off. You can say no. Guilt trip? Over him opening the relationship? Tell him this is what you asked for and you really enjoy your new relationship with him and see how positive this poly life he wanted you guys to embrace was all about. This helped you be okay with your relationship with him finally because someone is doing the things I need and fulfilling me in ways you can’t and don’t
Oh she dumped him, so he’s running back to you. Hell open it up again when someone else catches his eye.
This guy is not for you. You’re his bangmaid, the backstop relationship while he looks for his one true love.
Speaking from experience here, your relationship is done. He got what he wanted, and now he thinks he gets you all to himself again. Don’t let him weasel his way back into your life. It’s not worth the pain, believe me.
NTA. He got dumped like some people have suggested. But make sure before you choose the other guy that he’s serious about you before you lose both. J/S
Your boyfriend didn’t want an open relationship, he wanted permission to cheat. I’d bet he was loving the attention and having you chase him. He didn’t care at all about your feelings, which is proven by him letting the other woman tag him on socials, knowing you’d see it. Now that this other girl has since broken up with him, he is panicked because you aren’t pursuing him anymore. Your bf sounds like a jerk. In open relationships, the primary relationship always has to take priority. Your bf didn’t honor that. He all but ghosted you. He gave you just enough attention to keep you on the hook.
This other guy sounds like a much better fit. I think you should either tell your boyfriend no to closing the relationship or drop him and stick with the new guy. Honestly, I think you should just drop the bf. Where was his concern about the future and your religious beliefs when he wanted to dip his dick in a new pool? He is gaslighting you. Don’t let him guilt you into anything. You’ll always wonder what could have been with the new guy if you break it off. I promise your bf will ask to re-open the relationship again when he feels like he has you locked down. That or he will just straight up cheat.
All you need to think about before deciding is this: which relationship is more fulfilling to you? Who makes you feel seen and heard and like you can just be yourself without waiting for the next shoe to drop?
Poly guy here: never in a million years would I pull this on an s/o. Anything less than “hell yeah that sounds awesome!” is a no. But you said yes (his fault for pressuring you) and discovered something great with this new guy. And NOW, after hes been dumped by whats her face, he wants you. You are NOT a backup plan. You should be someone’s #1, and it sounds like new guy really values you.
Dump the loser, stick with the cool guy. You deserve better than that.
If I had a penny for every time I’ve seen this situation with a guy, I’d probably have a pound. Seriously, it happens a lot. He can’t flip the script now that things aren’t going his way, so stand your ground. Get rid of him if he keeps making you feel bad. You need someone supportive.
Hi. I’m so sorry that you have been hurt. Your boyfriend has taken advantage of you. There’s no future worth having here.
Even if it doesn’t work with the new guy you’ll be free from someone trying to control you.
Good luck
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Dump that loser you are calling a boyfriend. You are not poly, you did not ask for this. Plz do not allow anyone to manipulate you into something you didn’t ask for. The new guy sounds nice, continue on with him.
Your bf has played games, he is a cake eater but never expected you to eat the cake. Dump him and give the new man a chance. I always lol when a male proposes a open relationship but gets butt hurt when the female follows through, if you havnt worked it out yet it’s far easier for a woman to get layed then a man.
Girl you better dump the boyfriend and start a closed relationship with the new guy.
He wants to be just the 2 of you until he wants to cheat again and open the relationship. Meanwhile the relationship with your new man gets destroyed.
I’d just tell him no. You’ll see where your relationship with the other guy goes. If ot does work put then you’ll consider closing the relationship. If the new guy is better ditch the old one who didn’t think you were enough for him.
Call me old fashioned but a man giving his girlfriend permission to sleep around so he gets to doesn’t love her. A man in love wouldn’t be able to handle that.
Can you please leave your bf for the other guy because you have to leave him anyway, he’s going to meet another woman and suddenly want to open the relationship again. Ticking time bomb
Go get with the man that treats you well.
He wanted to justify his cheating and when you found a guy he got immediately jealous. Yeah there is no normal happy healthy relationship in the long term with the first guy.
Girl, you are so young! At that age relationships don’t just lose spark, especially if you are saying from your side it all looked and felt great. What happened was he met this girl and he wanted to sit on two chairs at once – date her and not lose you. And now she dumped him and he wants you back. And it doesn’t help that you did what he didn’t expect- found someone. Sooo… the decision is yours, but it doesn’t look like he is the one
Dump his ass.
He wanted an excuse to cheat while still having you waiting in the wings for him.
Yeah, I think it’s best to stop with the open relationship and go exclusive with your friend’s brother.
Guys wanting to open up a relationship mostly just mean they want to open it up for them and expect you to not actually get into another relationship, and will usually get quite cross if you do.
Tale as old as time. Man wants to open the relationship and then, when his girlfriend/wife starts getting attention and he’s not, he wants to close it and “focus on us.” He’s keeping you as a back up. You deserve better than to, as you said, beg someone for their love.
Dump him and move on.
It’s that age-old story.
Man meets woman. Man dates woman. Man meets other woman, but doesn’t wanna risk breaking up. Man suggests poly. Man dates other woman and neglects first woman. Woman finds other man and happiness. Other woman breaks up with first man and / or first man finds out about first woman’s happiness. Man wants to close relationship.
You gotta stick to the traditional, feel-good ending: Woman dumps man like yesterday’s newspaper and rides off into the sunset with new man. First man cries bitter tears, but otherwise has no self-reflection because he’s an idiot. The end <3
Please dump him and keep the new guy! You deserve to be happy and to feel loved!
Every time I read these kinds of stories with opening up relationships, I remember the relationship of a good friend of mine – well, at that time good friend, now we haven’t had any contact in nearly a decade.
So, she was in a relationship with a guy – everything was going well. And at some point, that dude comes back home with the line “hey, we are now a throuple (I think that’s what they say, right?)”. Like… It’s a fact, a statement. Not a question. Not a suggestion.
My friend was upset at first but then warmed up to the idea – always a crazy and unconventional one, also bisexual. So, they’ve started being a throuple.
Fast forward a few months, both girls are now a couple and they booted the guy out of the whole thing.
Just hilarious.