Hi,
I don’t know how to take what my boyfriend told me this past weekend.
I’ve been trying to get him in the mood for the past month, I do everything he likes. He will start something but then stop. He told me this past weekend that he would rather make memories and have less sex, he told me he’s still sexually attractive to me and that isn’t a problem. But we used to go at it a lot and he tells me it’s cause we tried everything and did everything and he doesn’t think we need to do it anymore , I told him but I have needs also. He says yeah I know, but I don’t think I wanna have sex anymore for a good while. It’s not you he told me. But I’m not really sure how to take that since he will talk about having sex and doing things.. he makes cracks about looking at other women and it makes me feel like I’m not enough or he’s just using the line “I want to focus on making memories” to throw me off. We have only been together for three years.
Am I about to enter a sexless relationship? Am I about to rely on myself and toys? I don’t know what to do.
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body:
Hi,
I don’t know how to take what my boyfriend told me this past weekend.
I’ve been trying to get him in the mood for the past month, I do everything he likes. He will start something but then stop. He told me this past weekend that he would rather make memories and have less sex, he told me he’s still sexually attractive to me and that isn’t a problem. But we used to go at it a lot and he tells me it’s cause we tried everything and did everything and he doesn’t think we need to do it anymore , I told him but I have needs also. He says yeah I know, but I don’t think I wanna have sex anymore for a good while. It’s not you he told me. But I’m not really sure how to take that since he will talk about having sex and doing things.. he makes cracks about looking at other women and it makes me feel like I’m not enough or he’s just using the line “I want to focus on making memories” to throw me off. We have only been together for three years.
Am I about to enter a sexless relationship? Am I about to rely on myself and toys? I don’t know what to do.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Do you have any reason to suspect he’s cheating or getting it somewhere else?
What does this even mean lol. The two are not mutually exclusive. I would say this is a bad sign, yes
Has he has a medication shift or any physical injuries or illness? Is there any erectile dysfunction or anything like that in his family?
Has he acted any differently? Could he be cheating?
Also a reminder, you can leave a relationship at any time for any reason. There are reasons why sex would die out in a relationship, but if he is laughing about your needs, is he really someone you wanna be with?
I understand the sunk cost fallacy, but you are a person with needs and when you’re in a relationship typically your partner wants to meet your needs. It doesn’t sound like your partner cares about your needs.
I think at this point OP you and your boyfriend are no longer compatible. You are both looking for two different things (sexually) in a relationship . You both have spoken about your needs and neither of you has come to an acceptable compromise. At this point you might want to consider just breaking up.
Run.
Whether or not this is his real reason, or if he is cheating, or he has a medical issue/hormonal change, it does not really matter.
He is ignoring how you feel about something, not fully explaining himself, and shutting down the discussion.
Better to cut your losses.
Maybe he is experiencing discomfort during sex, or he’s questioning his sexuality. Have those conversations and include a professional (doctor or therapist).
Or maybe he just isn’t at all creative and now he’s bored.
You need a man who doesn’t think his three slick moves are exhaustive of the entire sexual repertoire.
Best wishes for a healthy and satisfying future.
Whatever his motive is, it feels manipulative to me.
My ex husband was like this, said he LOVED me, wanted to MARRY me, share his LIFE with me, but didn’t want to have sex. We banged like crazy for the first 2 years but the second 2 was dry.
He didn’t want to talk about it, which only served to make me, make his intimacy problems, my problem.
I left because of it, not because “he wouldn’t f me” but because he wouldn’t TALK to me.
When I left said he was shocked, that he had no idea we were having problems, he assaulted, stalked me and stole my family but that’s another story 😅
What I’m trying to say, is that if someone can’t explain why they’re acting out, then they’re dangerous.
If he can’t experience and explain, his discomfort without acting out and shifting blame for no reason, then he’s not the one.
❤️🩹
how does sex stop y’all from making good memories? that makes zero sense. sounds more like he’s making excuses tbh. wouldn’t be shocked if there’s someone else or at least someone he’s thinking about, and he’s trying to guilt-trip you into silence. 3 years ain’t “just” 3 years — that’s when real partnership should kick in: respect, honesty, communication.
If his libido dropped, and he is not concerned for himself about why it dropped (or maybe why it was always low but he was faking) then he likely will never care and you will at some point start to try and “Fix him” and then in turn basically be parenting your partner into wanting to fuck you. Hot (sarcasm).
The comments will be “have his hormones checked, take him to the doctor, he should seek therapy” But he is a grown man in the modern world who has all the access to all this and is CHOOSING NOT TO. Despite knowing how you feel.
You are entering a likely sexless or at least a very sexually frustrating relationship. Sexual compatibility needs to be put way higher on the priority list than people do. Maybe you can fight, beg, plead, put in extra labor to fix him eventually.. but what do you lose at that point, will you be sexually attracted to him if you have to do all that?
It’s bad if you don’t mirror his low-drive or lack of desire for intimacy. Yes. Very bad.
He’s obviously struggling with intimacy, has depression or some other issue that is putting the brakes on his physical desire/drive.
Sexual compatibility is a thing, and you seem to have none.
Either…
No matter which one of these is true, YOU need to decide if you’re willing to be in a sexless relationship. Sex isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t required for love. But if you truly need it in your life and relationship, then you need to move on.
Giant 🚩
if you’re no longer sexually compatible no reason to stay together. you could try couples therapy to get to the root issue(s). best of luck
Ask yourself if you want a life like this. My guess is you don’t. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and going without it takes away one of life’s greatest pleasures. It sounds like he would rather just be friends with you.
You had me at “trying everything he likes” this isn’t a you thing something is up. Been with my wife for over 14yrs know her for 18, yrs it’s true relationships go through periods of little sex for us was do to kids and and been tired but not once was not having sex ever an option and we find ways to still be us and have fun. Not sure how serious you both are but the “making memories” comes a long with the relationship growing etc not from less/no sex that’s just seems odd and deff a weird reason, won’t jump to conclusion of cheating but will say if you have a feeling etc don’t ignore that and only you would know your partner to say things or is not true but if that was the case I would say the no sex things would be secondary to do I want to be with someone who is cheating/can’t trust. I would say that this comes to how serious you both are and see the relationship going, but agree that you also have needs and he can’t just be like well I don’t want to so too bad for you. There has to be compromise and both of your needs meet to what I would say be in a good working relationship otherwise this is just someone you dated and found is not the person for you. Really talk to him and express your feelings and how this makes you feel and go from there.
Maybe he’s realizing he’s gay but isn’t sure yet?
You are sexually incompatible. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong. It’s normal for him to be low libido, it’s normal for you to be high libido. You just aren’t compatible with each other
Stress can lead to a lack of sexual desire, which in time can pass but often can cause strife in a relationship. My husband went through this and I roughed it out as he’s worth it and it came back around 2 fold. We are even more connected than before with all the hang out time without sex. It’s fine. Can be a challenge and be open with him about how you feel. Explain your needs and start masturbating. Letting him know it’s needed to keep yourself maintained. Because let’s face it. It’s required to get stress release every so often. If you two are open and honest it’ll all be fine.
Edit: his doctor explained it as the process for sexual desire is stimulated by the area of the brain the regulates stress and when that’s off you can get lack of interest. He asked if he was mastirbsting and he wasn’t. He was stressed!
Weird take: give it a try. He may be feeling pressured to perform on top of other stressors.
Intimacy is very important. But give it maybe two weeks of doing what hes suggesting and see if he changes his mind, seems happier, or if nothing changes at all. Plan and go on dates, find shows to binge watch or games to play and fun new foods or experiences to try.
If he seems uninterested in doing them, then hes not actually concerned with making more memories and likely is in denial about something.
My bf and I stopped having sex for about a week and a half once. I didnt mention it at all. Turns out he was exhausted from work, in physical pain and emotionally drained from stressing about finances and work. He came around eventually and we are right back where we were before! In lieu of sex, I would find intimacy in going out together, sharing meals and movies and playing games together.
I took care of my needs on my own.
So id say give it a try. Maybe he will open up more once he feels like you’ve taken his request to heart
You sound like you need to watch less porn. Men dont want to smash 24/7 like in the videos you’re likely addicted to. Take a break from shacking up, if you care about him. If its too big of an obstacle to overcome id just leave. Having a partner with a different sex drive can and will ruin a relationship without great communication skills.
At least your not married yet. Definitely don’t do that.
At your age it’s crazy, I’m an old man and I would like it every day. Some of the best memories are made in the bedroom or the things that lead up to the bedroom. It’s bad I don’t understand all of the men wanting less sex. I have never had too much sex.
You deserve more. You are worthy of a healthy relationship and this isn’t one. Has he gone to a doctor to address the libido issue? I would insist if you want to stay
It’s been 2 months, I’m trying my best to not push or bring it up. Believe me, but I’m not sure when enough is enough
There’s something seriously off here. He’s hiding something from you. He’s still attracted to you but wants to stop having sex and makes a bunch of bullshit excuses? No. Just no. End it.
Porn?
I can help you
It’s porn. It’s always porn.
Could be many things but the wanting to create memories seems to imply he is looking for something deeper. That is where I would focus the conversation.
Possibly he is somewhere on the asexual spectrum and trying to figure it out?
How much sex were you having ? Less doesn’t mean none.
Sounds like anxiety or depression…