So, my bf and I have been together for about 6 months – though this is a short amount of time, we are both serious about each other and where the relationship is heading. He, especially, was quick to express his feelings for me and make it clear he intends to get married to me someday. Overall, he is a very sweet and kind man, treats me with respect and consideration, and is emotionally mature. It is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, which is what makes my misgivings even harder pills to swallow.
When it comes to these misgivings, they are wholly centered on the more superficial aspects of our relationship. First of all, my bf very rarely compliments my appearance (it’s been maybe twice in our entire relationship); this is something I did bring up fuels my insecurities, and he seemed receptive to the conversation but made no changes. He is affectionate in other ways, initiating nonsexual intimacy and calling me pet names, so this was easy to ignore at first – some guys aren’t super verbal about this stuff – but even when I put effort into my look or ask for his feedback, the most I get is a “you look fine”. I will also add that I compliment him frequently, on both his appearance and his character; I’ll tell him he’s handsome, dapper, even sexy on a regular basis.
In terms of sexual intimacy, I would say we have a relatively average sex life – we are intimate once every 2-3 days, sometimes more or less. During sex, he doesn’t seem that interested in seeing me fully nude, and doesn’t often initiate based off of a “hot and heavy” moment – it’s more like, Ok I’m horny, let’s go. He also doesn’t really grab or touch me in sexual ways any other time – never smacks my ass, kisses my neck, etc. Seeing me naked while I’m changing is a mundane occurrence for him, he never even so much as gives me a second glance; recently, I showed him a piece of lingerie I was thinking of purchasing to wear for him, and he seemed very indifferent to the suggestion, again saying it looked “fine”.
The final blow came when I was looking at his cloud photos (innocent reasons, he had given me his passcode and I was looking for images of his deceased dog to send to a pet portrait artist as a surprise for him). He has tons of nudes saved from exes and past hookups, even videos of himself having sex with these women. Seeing this turned my stomach, especially when I realized he has never once asked for any explicit/nude images from me or attempted to take any himself, much less videoing our intimate moments. In fact, he barely has any pictures of mine saved, and never spontaneously takes any himself, though he apparently did so with his exes. I’m not ugly compared to these other women, either – I would say I’m definitely his type, and more or less in the same “league” as most of his past lovers.
At this point, it feels like too many small things adding up to a truth I don’t want to acknowledge, and I’m scared to throw away an otherwise amazing relationship on what may be unfounded insecurities. I care deeply about this man and would be happily envisioning our future together if not for these concerns. I would love some honest feedback and outside perspectives – I feel like I’m going crazy.
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The pet thing is total BS. No one has someone go through their phone to pick a photo for that. The person getting the pics asks for the favorite picture.
Edit to add: I would know as I’ve received portraits and pillows etc. of such.
Regardless of how you came by it, be honest with yourself and not this bs about going through his phone over a decade of pics of his dog who died.
If you’re unhappy, leave.
Seems a lot of dancing around to say that you’re not happy and want more from your partner. You either ask to talk, or walk. There’s no shame in accepting incompatibility, there is in trying to make it work.
If you’re snooping through their phone it’s already a sign you’re not happy…
I once read something that had stuck with me which was … that In order for a relationship to flourish you need to respect, admire and desire your partner. It feels like the desire part is missing here. I think you need to be brutally honest with him about this makes you feel and have this conversation soon. If you both carry on like then and there’s no shift in dynamic then resentment will build and what’s worse is I would HATE for this to impact your self esteem x
A relationship could check so many boxes but there are certain essentials that, if missing, the relationship is unlikely to be a happy one. Typically the period of time between 6 months and 2 years are the hottest and heaviest. If it’s not there now, it’s never gonna be there. Can you imagine living the rest of your days never hearing that you’re sexy, never having a man appreciate your appearance, or worship your naked body? Ever again? Are you ready to give that up at the age of 27?
Ok…. So …. My current ex is M32. Things ended last month. BUT he was doing exactly what your bf is doing. But slowly he reduce the sex. From 2-3 days a wk- to 2 times a week- to one… I’ll say start disconnecting. Focus on yourself and what you like.
it depends how the communication about this goes. my bf struggles with words of affirmation and at first it was difficult for me to handle, and would lead to me overthinking the same exact way you are. he’s not crazy about lingerie, not everything is “hot and heavy” all the time. sometimes it’s literally just walking into the room and taking our clothes off.
we have had conversations about it and realized we both had things to work on. i needed to work on my need for outside approval and my own self confidence, and not depend on him for it. he’s had to deal with things from his childhood.
over the past year, we’ve both made slow and steady progress. my confidence has boomed and because of that, he’s more receptive to giving compliments and being more open about using words of affirmation.
the important part is that your man is respectful, and emotionally mature, and cares about you. i’ve found that when someone is a good man, he cares a lot less about sexuality. not that sex isn’t important, but it’s not “brain horny” 24/7. he’s with you for YOU.
i’m telling you this as a woman who’s been in the exact same position, literally exact same. and i’m SO glad i didn’t give up on it because it’s truly become the most loving and healthy relationship i’ve ever experienced
Not insane.
These men are weird— and not even the quirky kind.
I’m in a similar boat. It would be a different thing if not for the fact that I’ve seen how my boyfriend behaved towards past women. But when there’s a stark difference in behavior towards them vs you, how can you not take it personally? How can you not derive meaning from it?