My mother decided to take it upon herself to tell my older brother, David, that I had picked him to be the godfather to my first child.
I was absolutely livid. Firstly, even if I had picked him, that should be my place to tell him. And secondly, I did NOT want David to be the godfather. I wanted it to be my younger brother, Dillon, because he is so much more involved in my daughter’s life and is often left out by my parents.
But here is where it gets tricky. David is going through a horribly messy divorce, which I know is exactly why my mother did this. She is very manipulative and I know it was her way of forcing my hand because she feels sorry for him and knew I would look like a complete ass not choosing him now when he is going through such a tough time. Not to mention I am godmother to his only child for whom he’s currently fighting for full custody.
I’m so angry and upset. I know David is going through a terrible experience, but he never asks about my daughter or visits her or gives her any presents on holidays. Dillon always makes an effort to see her, asks me for pictures, checks on her AND on me, and sends her really thoughtful gifts.
My husband thinks I should say eff it and choose Dillon anyway. But I would feel so horrible taking that title away from David when he thinks it’s him.
I know to some this isn’t a very big deal but to me it is and I’m so torn. Her baptism is coming up and I have no idea what to do. I don’t want David to hate me for taking it away, but my heart wants to give Dillon this experience as he doesn’t have any kids of his own.
Who would you choose in this scenario and why? Any suggestions on how to approach this as a conversation either way?
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Why cant you just have more than one godfather
Please give it to your younger brother, Dillon, because he will appreciate it more anyways. David doesn’t even try to be a part of your lives as much and you need to stand up for yourself against your mother and let her know you will not be manipulated by her, otherwise she will do that to you again. Also, god forbid if something bad does happen, it sounds like Dillon is more likely to be a better godfather than your older brother.
What has David even said about this? Has he talked to you or thanked you? If he hasn’t, I would just choose your younger brother and pretend you have no idea what your mother did. That way it is her burden to deal with telling him the truth; that she lied.
If he knows that you know, I would just be honest with him and your mother.
Choose the person you want and tell your brother mom lied.
Tell him the truth call or text and tell him your mother overstepped and she knew you weren’t the choice but chose for you. You’re sorry for any hurt this has caused but you are choosing the person you wanted originally.
Keep with your commitment to ask Dillon to be the Godfather and invite David to be the honorary Godfather who will step in if Dillon needs a backup. There’s no rule that says you can’t have two Godfather’s. Just have Dillon be the executor with legal responsibilities if something happens to the parents. And have David be the Deputy Godfather who backs up the Legal Godfather. He can still be honored without the pressures of the actual responsibilities and duties. Include them both as brothers.
Well you could do it another way either just pick your other brother and say screw that since he doesn’t really care or have two Godfathers is there a law that says you can’t do that?
Why are you not listening to your husband? He wants it to be Dillion and not David. Stop letting your mom control your life and show some respect to your husband.
Choose who you want. Tell the truth. Your mother misspoke but Dillon has been more involved in your child’s life. You can acknowledge his divorce and realize things are tough for him right note and you’re there if he ever needs if he needs anything. That’s all you need to do. Life’s messy. But honesty is hard to argue with.
Tell Dillon and feign confusion when anyone else mentions it. If David mentions it, ask him how he heard because you didn’t ask him so….
Put the uncomfortableness firmly at your mother’s feet.
Detonate the situation.
Don’t let your mother have this power.
Dillon is your choice. Choose Dillon.
I think this is a good opportunity to sit David down and have a conversation about how you understand he’s going through a lot right now but that’s not really an excuse to not check in on others. Let him know that you’re hurt he hasn’t checked in on your child more and that the relationship feels one-sided. Explain that Dillon has a better relationship with your child right now, checks on her, asks about her, wants to see pictures etc and for that reason you’re going to have Dillon be her godfather.
Be clear that you’re having the conversation out of love and because you want to move forward with David wanting to be a more active part of your daughter’s life. If you don’t address this now it will never change and it’s all gonna blow up eventually.
In our church you can have more than one godparent so why not both brothers, if this is allowed.
Please grow a spine and put your family in place
You have a new family now, and your job is them, not your mom and brother issues.
It’s ONLY your choice to make.
Your mother keeps playing these games because you let her.
You can’t feel bad for taking something away that you didn’t give in the first place. And was definitely not your mother’s to give.
Definitely choose Dillion. Tell David your mother told him in error. You’re not really taking anything away from David because it was never his. Do not take blame for this, and do not feel guilty about this. It is 100% your mother’s fault. If anyone should be embarrassed it’s her.
You have to be gentle but honest with David that his mom lied to him. You can say it in a way that gives your mom an out and makes it easier for her to smooth over, or you can just completely blow up her spot and tell him the truth that she knew and lied to his face. I’d probably leave my mom the out, tell him first, then tell her that he knows but that you left her an out. I’m sorry you are going through this.
And also tell your mom if she does one more thing like this, she will be cut off from seeing her grandchild, ans parents (you and husband)
Don’t let your mother have that type of control tell him you don’t know what your mother is talking about that you chose Dillion. Your brother isn’t the first or the last person to go through a crappy divorce. Cheer him up and another way.
Explain the situation to Dillon and ask him to please please please be the godfather, with the agreement that you’ll all keep it quiet till things settle down about David.
If you truly want to wimp out make them co-godfathers but if you want to start out as you mean to go on tell them Dillon is her godfather. Full stop.
Dillon. Your brother David is an adult. He should able to handle it. Not to mention he is busy with his divorce/custody battle and that would be the excuse you give him. Just explain that Dillon has really enjoyed visiting your daughter and they already have a little bond. You can tell him the truth that your mother was being manipulative and tried to force your hand to pick him when she knew you wanted Dillon because Dillon has been visiting. Just explain to him everything you said in why you wanted Dillon. Again, David is an adult. If he can’t handle it then that’s more the reason you shouldn’t name him. And the last thing you should do is give your mother her way. This is her fault. Not yours.
You need to give it to Dillon, he earned it and is there for you. David seems like the golden child as you said Dillon is often overlooked. This is your mother forcing you to carry on her terrible parenting by further pushing Dillon out. You may feel bad for David, I understand that… but what if Dillon needs this more? What if your daughter means so much to him, just like you, because you treat him as family, unlike your mother. Hurting David will suck, but chances are allowing David to be the Godfather will do more harm to Dillon. Could you really allow that after he’s been such a good, loving uncle?
You and your husband chose Dillon so that’s who you ask (anything else would be disrespectful to your husband). If David ever asks what happened, tell him your mom was wrong. Meanwhile, put your mom on a long time out and tell her exactly why. You can only be manipulated if you allow it
You ask Dillon and move forward with the baptism. Your mother created the mess she can fix it.
Since your brother hasn’t even said anything, I would leave it and proceed as if she’d said nothing. If your mom gets upset, tell her she can clean up her own mess and tell David she made it up, because it was never her role to bestow.
Your child, your choice. I would tell both brothers the reasons you stated here and apologize for your mother.
It’s certainly a big deal and your husband is right. If your older brother has an issue, he can take it up with your mother. This is her mess to clean up, not yours.
This isn’t a game of favourites. You want to choose your younger brother because he would be better for the job. End of story. Who cares what anyone else says?
Tell David that your mother must have misunderstood and that you are asking Dillion.
Don’t let your mother force you into doing something you don’t want.
I had two Godmoms. I don’t really know why, but you can definitely ask both. If anything were to really happen to you that should be spelled out in legal paperwork anyway.
I would pick who I wanted. And that’s it! There is literally nothing else to say or do.
OP, select who YOU want for your child’s godfather. It sounds like Dillon would be perfect.
>I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t let your mother’s behavior dictate your actions. Who would even count on being a godparent if that role wasn’t granted by the actual child’s parent?
If your mother’s actions are often manipulative, and everyone knows it, then your older brother probably disregarded her anyway. Sounds like he already has too much on his plate.
Go forward with your original pick, Dillon.
If it ever comes up with David, feign complete ignorance. You never discussed with him previously or told him, so you can just claim you have no idea what he’s talking about.
Tel him that was your mom being herself unless he is the golden child and never experienced her he will understand if he is the golden one they better to cut ties for literally any reason and ghost him and mom..
How can you take away something you never gave to David ?
Tell your mother it will be Dillon .
She created the problem she should fix it.
If someone in your family is manipulative, especially a parent, and likes to pit children against each other then the best thing you can do as a sibling is be very clear with your siblings while also remembering to be kind.
David, I’m sorry that our mother misinformed you. I have asked Dillon for a few reasons, so she spoke out of place. I realize you have a lot on your plate right now, but I hope you will come spend time with us soon.
If he pushes you can tell him that Dillon has a close relationship with your daughter. You are hopeful that when he’s less busy he will too, but that you have already witnessed their bond. If that makes him hate you, then that’s on him.
Also set boundary with your mother and give her consequences. Mom if you speak for me again in the future without consulting me I will need to (insert x or y consequence). In this case the reasonable consequence would be that you will not discuss with her upcoming events in your daughters life until they are finalized.
Borrow from the Greek community: Kids can have more than one godfather or more than one godmother. Our youngest has three of each.
Talk to David and explain what your mother did. Let him know you were planning for it to be your younger brother and you don’t understand why your Mom would put him through that. This is on her, not you. Any negative that happens here is because of your Mom, NOT YOU. Not David, not Dillon. Your mom.
That is an honor to be given to someone of your choosing and no one else.
Tell mommy dearest to pound sand. Let anyone who sees it fit to have their hissy fit over it and cut their asses off in the process.
Easiest way is, Why not just do two godfathers?
My brother had two at his as baby.
catholic here, unless the other christian demonations don’t allow that?
Otherwise, pick the brother that you and your husband want.
Being a Godparent is not just for show. It’s about knowing for certain who will he there for your child(ren) be it in the spiritual, emotional, or physical sense. You know who will be involved in your daughter’s, and therefore is the one you can rely on. You and your husband do not owe this important role to David; your daughter’s well-being should not be sacrificed for someone else’s. You and your husband arw the parents, therefore you get to decide. If you really want Dillon, the one who spends time with your daughter, to be godfather, then choose him, as it is your right. Just tell David that your mother must have been confused and relayed the wrong message. If it causes any conflict, that was created by your mother. What she did was extremely thoughtless.
My mom did the same thing to me when it came to my oldest’s name. We were considering giving him 2 middle names, one being the name of my husband’s uncle. But it wasn’t for sure yet because I really didn’t like the name. At my baby shower, she announced the baby’s name and included the uncle’s name. My husband’s family was so happy about it and I felt like we couldn’t take it back. Luckily I did like the uncle but I’ve never forgiven my mother for 1. Being presumptuous and 2. Taking away the moment that should have belonged to me and my husband to announce our baby’s name. Not for this reason but I don’t speak to my mother anymore.
Because of the circumstances, I say go with who you want to be the Godfather. He’s the one that deserves it. You would be giving your mother the power to manipulate things in the future if you let her get away with this. If anyone asks, put 100% of the responsibility on your mother. “I don’t know why she said that, it was always going to be Dillon”.
I would tell older brother the truth that your mother overstepped and made this call on her own. Call her out on her behavior!!! Apologize and let him know that he is still a special uncle to your child, but chosen godfather is your younger brother. This is your mother’s mess, not yours. Do not accept the blame for her shenanigans! Best of luck! ☘️☘️
Your child, your choice!
Just be honest with David. His feelings may be hurt, but that’s your mother’s fault, not yours. She’s the one who manipulated the both of you. Just say you and your partner had already decided Dillon was going to be your daughters godfather, and your mother decided she was going to overrule everything and tell him, without your knowledge, that he was it. It could give you guys a chance to have a deeper conversation about your relationship as siblings, what you’re both going through, and how your mother has had a negative effect in your lives.
David needs to know how the both of you were mistreated by mom. And, you can’t take away what was never given. Explain why you chose Dillion.
Listen to your husband. Tell David im sorry, but mom is full of shit, and I choose Dillon. 🤷♀️
If you can’t stand up to them then Have 2 – your kid and Dillon is still a god father
I’m sure David is going through it right now, but your child is not his emotional support animal. Choose the person you want, and if Mother Dearest has anything to say, tell her to stay in her lane.
Not giving in to your mother’s manipulation is 100% a hill to die on.
Sorry for David’s hurt feelings, but your mother owes him the apology for that, NOT YOU. Of course be as tactful as you can, but please do not issue an apology to him or to her, nor admit any fault. This is 100% on her.
I’d put things in writing, clarify via email or text to BOTH of them in a group communique that includes your husband.
Let your mother eat the crow she baked.
Have a candid talk with David. Explain that your mother was cruel to tell him he would be godfather when you hadn’t told anyone else of your decisions that you and partner hadn’t even finalized yet.
Be honest with him. Yes, it’ll hurt, but it’s better to find out now that his inattention and lack of care for your child has put him out of the running as godparent for this child. Not to mention, he has so much on his plate right now and for the foreseeable future. Just because your godmother to his kid does not mean he is automatically in the running for yours.
Next, read the riot act and put your mother back in her lane. If you feel up to it.
You sit David down and tell him, “I’m sorry Mom told you that you could be our daughter’s godfather, but she went behind our backs after we had already chosen Dillion.”
If he’s a normal person, he’ll get it. Don’t let your mom pull the strings here, it just condones her behavior and justifies any future actions like this.
Do the classic mom trick: split it.
They are both Co-godfathers. David will continue to do nothing for your kid. Dillion and you can deepen the relationship
Tell David that you are sorry but your mother must have misheard because you told her you picked Dillon. Also, ask your Mom if she needs to get her ears checked. Lol
Talk to David and tell him. Tell him this was all your mother’s doing and that you were NOT consulted when she told David, and that you intend to choose Dillon.
Honestly, he might be relieved to have that responsibility off his plate? You don’t know until you discuss it.
Tell David you’re sorry your mother sprang this on him, but you had already chosen Dillon. Make it clear it was your mother’s fault and that you didn’t want to cause him any additional stress.
Speak to your priest. You can probably have more than one godfather. Alternately, gently and privately explain the situation to your brother. Your daughter should have the godparent you choose, not one who is forced on you.
Just another option, I have 2 godfathers and 2 godmothers.
Just joining the chorus to agree, go with the logical decision. You know your mother is manipulating you and she offered something that was not hers to give. It is not fair for her to do so. Tell her that while you appreciate the support she is providing your brother through his divorce, you are choosing your other brother for your daughter’s godfather because he is more connected and caring to her.
Tell Dillon that you heard what your mother did and that she provided him a false narrative. Do not let your mother go to him first because likely she’ll spin an untrue story. Control the narrative. Be polite, be empathetic, but stick to your choices. Good luck.