Hi everyone,
I (F, 31) have been living with my partner (M, 37) for a while now. We’re not legally married, but we live together and are even trying to have a baby. This is a committed, serious relationship.
About a month ago, I walked into the home office early in the morning and saw him quickly close a browser tab. I had already caught a glimpse: he was searching for erotic massage places (“happy ending” massages) in our area — not adult websites, but actual locations near where we live.
I was confused and didn’t confront him immediately. Later, I asked him about it. To his credit, he was honest at first. He admitted that he was curious and started researching about it, but as he was doing so, he felt ashamed and decided to stop because if it was something he “needed” to hide from me, it wasn’t good. I told him clearly that, to me, seeking these types of services crosses a boundary and feels like cheating and that I also consider sexting as cheating. He agreed with me and said he wouldn’t do it again.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling, so — and I know this was wrong — I later checked his computer history.
What I found was that he had been continuing those searches regularly, almost daily, for the past 2 weeks. Not only searching for erotic massages but all of them were close to our home or near his work.
I want to clarify that we have a very active sex life — almost daily, sometimes twice a day. We’re both very high libido people, so I don’t believe this is about sexual frustration. We also talk very openly about sex and what we want/don’t want during sex.
I also know he hasn’t physically visited any of these places. His work schedule is intense and when he’s not at work, he’s with me. I know his routine very well, and we even have a camera at the entrance of our home (because of security issues, not related to the topic). Nothing in his routine changed — not even for 10 minutes — to suggest he could have gone to one of these places.
I confronted him again recently and asked if he was still looking at those things. He lied and said no — and then I told him I had seen his browser history. That turned into a big fight. He’s since changed the passwords on his computer and phone so I can’t access them anymore. He said he also felt betrayed (which I understand) and that for him I was invading his personal space by checking on his things, which I also understand and agree. He said he would only share his passwords with me again, once I showed him I respected his personal space. In a way, I’m glad — I was starting to lose my self-control and I know snooping is wrong, even if I was feeling hurt and confused.
But now I’m stuck. I feel heartbroken and betrayed, even though technically he hasn’t “done” anything yet. He’s just been repeatedly looking, even after promising he’d stop.
At the same time, I feel guilty for violating his privacy.
We’re trying to build a future together, and this whole situation has made me question everything.
It is also important to mention that he has admitted to me to have cheated on his ex-wife before, and that was one of his biggest regrets. But… if he cheated once, can’t he do it again? I am questioning everything now.
I’d really appreciate hearing from people outside the situation — people who aren’t as emotionally involved as I am. What would you do in my place? Is this something we can come back from? Is this behaviour already a form of infidelity? I don’t know how to move forward.
Thanks for reading.
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The huge red flag here is his reaction — rather than taking full responsibility and trying to make amends, he’s flipped it on you by accusing you of violating his boundaries, changed all his passwords and is acting like the victim. People who flip the script when they’re caught doing something wrong aren’t sorry and don’t show intent to change. I’d be really, really worried about that.
I also don’t think you can be completely sure he hasn’t visited one of these places. It’s not hard to get an hour off the radar for completely transactional sex, and you’d be amazed what people can hide. Him changing his passwords implies he has more to hide — have you looked at his emails/bank accounts to see if any transactions took place? Would he be willing to show you to put your mind at ease? If so, make sure he doesn’t have time to clear anything first, he needs to show you straight away on demand.
Your partner should recognise that he massively breached your trust and has undermined your relationship massively. He should be willing to take full accountability, understand and accept why you checked his history again after such a scary breach of trust and show full transparency and desire to put your mind at rest moving forward. If he’s not able to do these things (and so far it doesn’t seem he is) you need to leave. In the meantime, please put the baby trying on pause. And get yourself a STD screen just in case.
There’s a saying “once a cheater always a cheater.” That can be true in some situations but some people really do change. You love him. And I hope he loves you too. Sit down, talk with him, tell him you’re not gonna deal with this anymore and that he’s gotta step up and prove he wants to be with you. There are boundaries married people shouldn’t cross and he did. Should you go straight to divorce ? Absolutely not. Try your best and work at it. I’m not justifying his actions either. People make mistakes. I suggest you both go to couples therapy. Hoping the best for you two.
Leave him. It’s simple and it’s plain. Find a grown up