This is a difficult post , I’ll try to give as much background as possible.
After 20 years of marriage my husband announced out of the blue that he be ok with me sleeping with another man under certain circumstances and thinks he would like it. I was dumbfounded, angry, confused – a complete mix of emotions.
My response was an outright no and I told him I thought it was a shocking thing to just come out with, told him I was disappointed and very definitely not happy. It annoyed me so much I brought it up again later needing a lot of answers. It wasn’t easy listening.
Bit of background on us which I think is relevant. We met when I was 27, I was wild enough in my lates teens and 20s, had a lot of partners and was very open when it came to sex, I am not proud of it but I never tried to hide it either. My husband on the other hand had a few steady girlfriends but knew what I was like and didn’t have a problem with it. Infact from early on he enjoyed hearing about my past sexual experiences and I was happy to oblige as the subsequent sex was amazing. He has remained keen on hearing these stories where as I no longer find it a turn on.
By his own admission , hearing about me with others turns him on and has resulted in stamina issues for him which honestly doesn’t bother me – we have a routine that satisfies me but I know he struggles to deal with it. I’ve told him that pushing me for stories won’t help it but he’s thinking about it even if I’m not telling him.
So to the discussion about him looking to share me and mainly why would he want to do that. He was honest and it was hard to listen to.
2 years after we had got married I confessed that I had a one night stand shortly after we got engaged. I thought I could sweep it under the carpet but I hated carrying this secret and confessed. I was surprised by his reaction, no anger, no shouting , never a threat to leave. He told me he was hurt, disappointed and that I’d let myself down, I worked hard at getting back his trust and I genuinely thought it was well in the past. The thruth is that it turns out that it had effected him more than I could get have imagined. He still hurts and confessed that he’s never really forgotten about it. He admitted that he sexualised my cheating in order to cope with it , it’s fuelled his, in his own words “obsession” with my past sex life and has ultimately resulted in him suffering from premature ejaculation.
He has two reasons for wanting me to be with another man. First is that he feels unable to satisfy me, I’ve told him I’m happy with what we have but he won’t accept that. He genuinely wants me to experience a casual sex situation just like I’ve told him from my past.
The second reason is that he wants me to tell him about it, like another new chapter that he hasn’t heard before.
I’ve explained that I’m over 50 years of age and I don’t want to be that person again, I don’t fell like I did in my 20s. He acknowledges how fucked up it is but maintains he can’t help it. I’ve messed things up by my actions over 20 years ago, I never thought it would have ended up like this. I can’t hold him responsible for feeling like this but I can’t also go on knowing that this is what he wants for me.
I’m so confused , where do we go from here – what do we do?
Edit- he’s not under any circumstances pushing me into this. I’ve said no and he accepts that it’s not happening. My issue now is that fact that something I’ve done has left him wanting this and thinking it’s something I’d want as well.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Have fun. Stay safe 👍
this is definitely a “talk to your therapists, not reddit” level post
You just say no? If you’re not into it, that’s the end of the story. I mean maybe you can work some fantasy stuff into dirty talk to help scratch that itch for him. But if that doesn’t make you comfortable either, he’s shit out of luck.
Just set a clear boundary and move on.
He needs to get help to deal with his issues. No hate to you, but you fucked him up good and he needs some professional help. Suggest a therapist, or something who can deal with these kinds of problems.
Really tough been in a very similar situation. The most important thing is for you to know it’s not you and don’t let it make you think of us attractive. And that’s much hard to say than done I know.
This is a pretty simple answer. He needs to go to therapy to deal with and process these insecurities. He is still sexualizing to cope and this is all a part of that. You sleeping with other men doesn’t fix his problems, it enables them.
It is called hotwifing, not an uncommon kink. You’re making it way more complicated than it needs to be.
Have fun and stay safe!
No means no
From what I understand, his kink is not uncommon. You just don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Period. Tell him it’s a hard (no pun) no and you don’t care to discuss it again.
I don’t think it’s bad that he asked.
Many people are into this kind of things, how can they know whether the partner is onboard if they don’t ask?
That said, you clearly aren’t into it, and it seems he’s trying to use this as a coping mechanism which isn’t healthy either.
Or he’s into cuckolding and he’s making up an elaborate explanation because he doesn’t want to admit it, hard to say.
Whatever his reasons are, you can just say “no” and try to make him understand that he can’t dictate what you want in bed. If he has this fantasy that you desperately want to fuck other men and you’d be happy to receive his permission to do it, it’s his fantasy, not yours.
And you aren’t interested, and no having permission doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t interested.
Your answer can remain a firm “no”. You shouldn’t have to betray who you are to make anyone happy. But, you can try to oblige him by making up stories, or maybe reading some spicy stories to him. You can also forgive yourself for what happened, it was a horrible incident that you get to move past. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament. Some counseling may be beneficial if he can’t let it go.
He probably cheated and this is his way of getting rid of guilt
It’s his issue not yours. Treat it accordingly. Also, have him watch Breaking the Waves.
This is a communication issue.
He is fixated on a fantasy that you don’t like. There is no need to get upset with him about it. Just tell him, “no”.
Sharing your fantasies is supposed to be safe in healthy relationships. The line comes when one partner doesn’t respect the other’s boundaries. When you tell him no, he needs to let it go. If he isn’t doing that, you need to call him on it.
Pushing a fantasy on an unwilling partner is bad. But you do have to make that clear.
He should have left you when you cheated, this is why it’s a terrible idea to stay. What kind of damage did trying to make this work do to this dude?
What was that one night stand about? What brought it about? That critical event is the key.
Wow you fucked him up good 👍
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
Your cheating from 20 years ago was exposed, dealt with, and the marriage survived after being repaired. He can’t just take it back and use it as a leverage to manipulate you into fulfilling his kink. That’s straight up wrong.
Kinks need to be consensual. Sure people can indulge their partners participating in their kinks when they’re not particularly into it, but I don’t think they ever should cross their own boundaries over it. Like, I would have no problem dressing up or role playing, but actually having sex with another person is just too much for me.
Your sacrifice is no compromise here. Feels like someone (your husband) with a frail state of mind found unhealthy mechanisms to deal with private issues and went unchecked for so long that it all became his reality and now he wants you to join him in this mess. He needs therapy, and maybe so do both of you as a couple.
He needs to understand how his actions are hurting you and your marriage. After all, if he can’t find a way to have a sex life with you that doesn’t include violating yourself, then maybe you’ll need to go your separate ways to find compatible partners. The alternative being staying in what could become a sexless marriage for companionship.
You cheated on him and waited to you’d been married two years before telling him?? Let me guess- you had a kid by that stage as well? You trapped this poor bastard.
So, you were a floozy throughout your youth, you remained one even after your engagement, you cheated on your man, waited 2 years, then finally broke him, and now you can’t handle the result of your own actions. The infamous and fabled female accountability at its finest.
And before you get your panties in a bunch, let me assure you, if it were him telling this story, I’d have some choice words for him as well. Mainly for marrying someone like you, and not addressing your cheating in a healthy way, which would have been with a therapist and a divorce attorney.
Well, your past life and cheating f up your husband more. Initially, he was f up man to marry a w like you. So you break him, now acting or somehow hinting your husband that you are not get THE sex that you used to get in your 20s is make him to tell you go have sex. He loves you, but he doesn’t love himself. If you are truly sorry for your past freaking make him feel that he is satisfying you. I’m sure you can fake an orgazm. Other than that, you are a w, basically. You need to make up for your mistakes, truly.
This is a porn fueled fantasy that’s doesn’t work out in real life. In most cases, it’s the end of the marriage. Don’t do it unless you’re 💯comfortable with the situation. Good luck !
Say Potato, Elizabeth
I don’t think it’s a big deal that he opened up to you about this, BUT, you are not obligated to do it if you don’t want to. I think it’s pretty crazy that he’s using something that happened 20 years ago to try and guilt you now, and manipulate this conversation, honestly. He needs sex therapy, and probably a lot of it.
I would also wonder why all of this is only coming out now… something must have triggered this to finally come out. Maybe marriage counseling for both of you, while he’s still getting sex therapy for himself, can help get to the bottom of things. In the meantime, try reading some smut to him instead of talking about your past sexcapades.
You don’t have to be ashamed of being sexual in your youth… there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of there. The cheating was obviously a huge issue, though, but he shouldn’t be taking that out on you 20 years later, when you’ve already put in the work to fix your relationship, and he had presumably already forgiven you years ago. Hopefully you guys can work through this. Good luck!