My sister (40) neglects her children. Intellectually her children are way below grade level. They also lack basic hygiene their breath smells awful, they wear stained, torn clothing, and they have chronic runny noses.
I (24F) recently moved to her city and didn’t know the extent of her situation. For the past year, I have been going out of my way to help support them. However, I myself am trying to figure out my own life. Her situation is exhausting and draining.
I worked hard to help them, but my sister’s lack of support, structure, and attention towards her kids just feels like it reverses all my help. For example, I try to help her kids with reading, but then my sister gave her kids phones which set them back a lot. I taught them etiquette and manners, and my sister does things trashy so they just follow her.
My family now expects me to take care of her children. They expect me to help them get new clothes and teach them pretty much everything.
I communicated many times with my sister. All she does is make excuses. She never owns up to her actions. When I communicate with my family about how I want to take a step back they sympathize with my sister and guilt me to support her.
When my sister and her kids visit my place they will fight, and make a mess. When i visit them their home is filthy and gross. When i go with them in public their behavior embarasses me.
I am a kind gentle person, but her stressful household forces me to become more aggressive and authoritative which doesn’t allign with my values.
Now, I am starting to feel resentment towards my sister and even her kids (which is awful I know :/) I kind of want to cut them off. However, I don’t want to be extreme and want to find a healthy middle.
My goal is to see them once a week and check on them without any responsibility.
How can I still be there for my family while preserving myself? How can I just be an aunt without all these expectations?
Comments
It sounds like you’re being used. Maybe try setting firm boundaries? Like, say you can only visit them at their place for an hour. Would that help?
The fact of the matter is, neither your sister or your family are in a position to allow a healthy solution. I wish that there was an option in that area, but the most you could do is, like that other person said, visit in their home. As gross as it is, that’s the healthiest way to handle it. These situations are complicated, and I commend you for trying to help. But, if your sister is undoing any progress you make with them, there is more harm than good coming from this situation.
I can tell you have a kind, genuine heart. So it is incredibly difficult for you to see suffering, especially from loved ones like your nieces and nephews. But, for your good and wellbeing, I think the right choice is to see them rarely, in short periods, and on terms where you can feel as comfortable as you can.
Perhaps when they’re older, if it’s possible without it being a detriment to your wellbeing, you can identify them as a resource in their adulthood for genuine advice. Know yourself, know you limits, and work within your bounds.
Any good that you can do as a whole will be increased by your genuine aspirations to be good to people, coupled with the energy you’ll gain from looking out for yourself. It’s a tough decision, but darling these people are just taking from you. I wish you nothing but the best. <3
If you’re not the kind of person who can manage these people in a confrontational way, you need to go NC or otherwise exit the situation. This is not your job. If it doesn’t rise to the level of calling CPS on her, there’s not much you can do.
Even if you did stay and try to shore up her crappy parenting, sooner or later it would most likely backfire. You could not expect thanks, gratitude or results, there’s a very high chance you’d spend precious years and money for zero benefit. You can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. Just get out. NTA.