My husband, let’s call him Nate,
and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years. We’ve been having a rough couple of years and basically everyone I am close to is telling me to get divorced. Nate and I have known each other since we were 14 and 15. We were best friends first and basically inseparable and started dating near the end of high school.
As far as our relationship everything was great. He treated me amazingly always with the most respect, going out on dates frequently, buying each other gifts, many vacations together etc. When we first got engaged things were a bit rough but we spent many nights having long discussions and worked through those issues. However over the last couple of years we’ve been having a hard time.
Nate lost his job in 2022 and I think this set us on a collision course. Ever since then he’s had a hard time keeping a job. He frequently goes to temp agencies for in between periods but this has never been a problem for me as he tries his best to make sure bills are paid. He always blames the jobs but I have a hard time believing he’s been through about 15 jobs since 2022 and EVERY SINGLE ONE is the problem. Maybe some of them but not all of them. Any time I try to talk about it he tells me not worry and he always find a new job so I’ve tried to stay out of it and let him figure it out.
As a result of this though we rarely ever go out anymore. I could pay for us to go out myself but he has expressed to me before that it makes him feel bad that I’m always paying. We celebrate our birthdays and anniversary and that’s it. I’ve genuinely been okay with this because I understand that we are going through something but my family tends to make me feel bad. I’m very close with my family and they love to insert their opinions even when it’s not asked. They love to comment on how he never gets me any gifts anymore, he doesn’t compliment me as much, and doesn’t really show up to family gatherings anymore. So much so that I’ve resulted in just lying about things I’ve bought for myself like books, jewelry, electronics etc. telling them he got them for me just to get them to shut up. If he doesn’t come to something where the whole family is there I just tell them he’s at work.
The divorce comments started coming in last year when I had car trouble. I have an older car, 2010, and my engine went out last year. I still had about 4 months left on my loan and interest rates were insane so I couldn’t afford to get a new car with having to also take care of so much of the bills at home. I tried talking to a few different mechanics but I couldn’t work out any payment plans and honestly the lowest estimate I got was $9k to fix everything that was wrong with it so this seemed like a lost cause. I ended up getting my dad’s help for a new car. He put down $5k to help me get a new car and this shook my family. The main question being why didn’t Nate help. I wasn’t about to flat out tell them he couldn’t afford it so I did my best to dodge the questions but it didn’t matter the damage was done. Now any time they could squeeze it in they’re telling me I need to divorce him.
Over the past year I’ve been able to get Nate back at family gatherings but they’ve all ended with him being super drunk. Nate doesn’t know when to stop. I know this about him. I try my best to cut him off but I’m his wife not his babysitter. I’ve asked him over and over again to not drink at these functions or if he must to only have one. To which he tells me it’s fine he’s an adult and knows when to stop (he doesn’t). This has resulted in a lot of embarrassing nights for me and just adds to their list of reasons to leave him.
My family has never seen a healthy marriage. I have never seen a healthy marriage. At least not outside of a tv show. Any of my family that’s married they’re all bitter and cheating on each other. I can’t really take advice from this. I believe you don’t get into a marriage just to jump ship as soon as things get hard. We are just going through something and we have to work on it together. However recently I’ve started questioning this and I’m not sure if this is the right stance here.
My cousin passed away recently and her funeral was this past week. I was and still am devastated. Nate doesn’t understand why. My cousin and I weren’t on speaking terms and he doesn’t get why I would be so upset since we weren’t even talking. At the funeral he sat with me but he didn’t speak the entire time we were there not even to comfort me. I have no idea who he was that day but this was not the man I married. It was like having rose colored glasses taken off and now I’m questioning everything.
Now I’m starting to feel like my family may have been right all along and I’ve been too naive to see it. I can’t go to any of them about it because I already know what they’re going to say. I feel very alone right now. Where do I even go from here?
TL;DR: My husband lost his job and hasn’t been able to keep one. My family thinks I should divorce him. I’m starting to question if they’re right.