Before I (24 m) explain the situation, I have to give some background info.
I kind of had a hard life, growing up poor with a single mom with a brother and a grandmother. She tried to do so many things for us like doing lots of overtime to pay for Christmas. She made sure that we were doing ok when she could and grandma would be there when she couldn’t. She got married in 2010 to my step-dad and he was the kind of person who is kind of the “man of the household” and “listen to me or else” type of person. Very verbally abusive but never played a hand on my brother and I because mom wouldn’t tolerate that shit. He had 3 kids so coming together for a family of 7 was very rough.
I had low self esteem because of my weight and was bullied for it alot. My step-dad made me work out for an hour a day and whenever I had a misstep, he would get pissed and yell at me, sometimes for over 2 hours. The two older step siblings and my brother moved out at 18 because of him so around 2014 it was just me (14) and my stepbrother Craig (17) (I’m using fake names because idk if anybody in my family uses reddit and I dont want to even think of his real name) We kind of got close and one night he wanted to try some stuff and bribed me so I felt more ok with…
This is the reason for the content warning. But after it happened my parents were curious as to why I had some extra cash and it lead to us lying about what happened because I didn’t want to get in trouble and that fucking prick wanted to get away with it. So we cut to Craig moving out a year later and me just living out the rest of high-school. At my first job I was around 17 and I was at 175 lbs. Sounds like a reasonable weight but I was also 6′ 3″ so I was very boney except for my stomach which I had a small muffin top because I was overweight for my life up to that point. I became anorexic because of how hard my step-dad was about my weight and I was looking rough for the whole time I was anorexic.
My step-dad gave me a choice after I graduated. Go to college or join the workforce. I was a straight A student so college was my bet. I had a scholarship to where the collage would pay for half of the semester for 4 years and I pay the rest plus an e-sports scholarship because I was very good at Overwatch (I hate blizzard now and I hate hero shooters because of the next sentence) To get the rest of the cash I needed to get a loan, mom tried to help but her credit was to low so we went to my step-dad who had better credit. He said no because I needed to “do this on my own” I asked aunts and uncles to help but they all refused. I couldn’t go to collage so I ended up in a factory.
(It may seem like I’m rambling but this all fits in with the whole situation)
I worked with my mom and I banked enough cash to get a car and I moved out after getting enough saved up. After I moved out in 2019 I got with my first GF. Let’s call her Sam. Sam and I were close in the beginning but when she heard my past she was so upset with how I still talked with my family so this is when I told them I was SA and my mom was devastated. She was crying for how I was afraid to come out and my step-dad was pissed at his own kid. It made me feel truly happy that they cared. (This still fucks me up looking back at it) then things started getting rough with Sam and I and we got into a big fight (Context: My grandma nearly passed away due to a surgery. When she came out alright I was still worried for her. Sam said me why am I still crying over it, she’s fine, suck it the fuck up. I told her to get the fuck out) we broke up a week later.
I ended up getting 5 head injuries at my mom’s factory, getting fired and going from job to job until I got an IT support position in 2023
Funny enough I ended up with her ex best friend. Let’s call her Delilah. Delilah set us up but felt horrible for how she treated me and we started getting close, she dumped her ex because he was not very emotionally there. Delilah and I have been together for over 5 years now.
I have more trauma stuff but it doesn’t relate to the story so here’s the situation.
After telling my mom and step-dad about my SA I learned from my Grandma that She was SA by her brother when she was young and my mom was SA by her uncle when she was young. I felt horrible and felt closer to my mom and Grandma because it just became a generational issue with our family (Sadly this ties in later in a fucked up way)
Back in 2022 I am planning on going to my family Christmas and once I was there I saw Craig my stepbrother and my Sexual Assailant. Why was Craig here I though my family was pissed at him? I held my pocket knife whenever he got near me and asked my mom privately the fuck was going on. She said Craig had a family with another person and had a kid so he showed my step-dad that he was trying to do better and my stepdad invited him. She was uncomfortable but was ok with my step dad’s decision. I felt sick and left a little bit after hearing that. That fucker even tried talking to me without acknowledging what happened. I started getting more distant with them over 2023 and found out they have been talking with Craig about his family and helping out when they needed it.
I talked about it with my older blood brother (let’s call him Josh) and he started acting kind of wishy washy but then Josh got a text from Craig. I got pissed “WHY ARE YOU TALKING WITH CRAIG YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID TO ME JOSH”. Josh said “I’m just talking with him because his daughter was selling some bracelets she made and I wanted to help out. I talked with him about it when I visited mom and step-dad and he was also there.” I sighed and just wanted to leave. Josh was concerned “Why are you upset, I’m just helping his six year old daughter”
I retorted “It’s not about the kid, it’s about her bum fuck of a dad that I’m pissed about” I left after some other things were said.
I got a therapist to talk about all of my trauma and family issues and she suggested that I just need to cut them out because of what was happening.
I didn’t show up to any family function in 2023 and anything up to Thanksgiving for 2024. my mom was very concerned for me so she showed up at my apartment at the beginning of December wanting to talk. I wished Delilah was home but she was at work. We sat down and I finally expressed my frustration about my step-dad, my anorexia (before you ask I have been working on it i haven’t forced myself to vomit for 4 years) we talked and she asked if I don’t come because of my step-dad because of everything and I said No.
And then we finally talk about Craig finally Craig. She asked if I would forgive Craig and I said I probably never will. I flat out told her if Craig is going to be there, I’m not. My mom said my step-dad invited Craig and I finally lost it. I was in tears saying “why don’t you tell him not to invite him, you both know what happened why don’t you stick up for me” and then she started crying. She wanted me to be there for family. I cried harder. “I don’t want to a part of a family with that bastard” we wrapped it up and let my mom know not to call me except for an emergency or a death. She understood and left.
I talked with my Grandma about it and she wants us to make up, I was hurt and I was so destroyed because she and mom went through the same thing. My Grandma and Mom moved on and forgave the people who did it to them. She asked if I was in a position to move on. I wasn’t. My grandma told me that she wants to see Mom and me make up before she eventually passes away (My grandma is 75) I didn’t know what to do so I sent some time with her and left. Ever since then I have been depressed and distant because of how much my family wants to look past it and just move on. I can’t man, I’m to fucked up from everything.
Delilah understands and is fully on my side and wants me to get closer to her family but I don’t even know how to feel about the family connection anymore.
TLDR I was molested by my stepbrother. Years later he got a family and now my parents invite him to family gatherings. I don’t show up anymore so My family wants me to move on or forgive him. Got in a big fight and I’m not talking to them.
Comments
It is perfectly understandable that you can’t move on. Tell your mom and Grandma that they are completely betraying you and should be ashamed of themselves. They chose a rapist over his victim.
You don’t owe anyone forgiveness. If you can’t forgive your abuser which I understand then you don’t need to. You have a loving partner and have created your own family with her. I wish you all the happiness & healing. ❤️ You are not alone.
Your mom and grandma didn’t forgive. They suppressed it so they would not be rejected by the rest of the family. That’s what they want you to do. Shame so many people cover up for and protect the one who does this instead of the victim. Do not ever go anywhere this guy is. You don’t have to pretend everything is ok. It’s not.
I think you should fully cut off your “family” and focus on the family that you actually have that cares for you.
I am about to say something many may find controversial but it’s been my experience and yes I whole heartedly believe it. It also doesn’t belittle any woman’s experience. No one should ever be told to just suck it up when it comes to SA.
As a man who was a victim myself as a child let me tell you that the whole rest of your life you will get the looks when people hear about it. You will get judged for how you handled it after. Your masculinity and ability to be a protector will get called into question. It won’t be from everyone but it will happen. Some people will even be quick to be supportive but wonder if you will now become an abuser. Until you are truly healed from it doing anything that increases those moments will be hell on earth. Not only should you disown your family, you should be telling your mom, grandma, and step-dad that they are peices of shit.
It sounds as if what happened to you traumatized you fat more than my situation did me. So just being honest, please don’t forgive and bury it. It will haunt you forever. To this day I regret letting my abuser back in life (for my little sisters sake) more than I regret not freaking out when it happened.
Good luck, and I am sorry because they may otherwise be good people just like most of my family but fuck your whole family.
Your whole family sounds like garbage, just wash your hands of em
Mom chose your abuser, you choose yourself!
BTW, you should tell his wife.
Grandma was SA by her brother and then moms a by uncle. So forgiveness is what caused moms SA. So horrific that they cannot see it.
Forgiveness is good, BUT that’s a completely different thing then forgetting and absolve him of the horrible things he did. Forgive them but stay away from them, protect yourself and any children that you have around you that he could pray upon.
That is not family, I’m sorry but a real family would never do that, so yeah just let them be, they don’t deserve you and you step dad is not a step dad, he is a monster, getting sick just hearing about him.. I wish you all well and hope you can get through your trauma but remember trauma doesn’t control you you control them.
It isn’t on your family to force forgiveness. To be honest, I’m surprised your mom and grandmother allow it, given their own experiences.
Maybe they think it’s okay because their own traumas were minimized and forgotten about. If that’s the case, I emphasize, but they can still go kick rocks.
Wanting to play happy family because your step dad wants to move on is ridiculous. They keep talking about mending fences, that he has a kid now, etc. Like wtf. Is no one concerned about the kid in his care? Let alone you, having to face your abuser?
None of your family looks good in this. To be frank, I’d strongly consider going low/no contact with the lot of them. I understand why your stepfather would want contact with his kid. But there’s no reason your mom should have allowed for that POS to attend family gatherings. Let alone, having the gal to ask you to forgive and let things go.
Cut them off, continue therapy, and rely on your partner and friends who care and have your back.
I am sorry you went through this. When we set boundaries to protect ourselves, it may make some people mad. That’s ok. It is not our responsibly to control the reactions of others. We can only protect ourselves and control our response.
You did the right thing in establishing a healthy boundary with your family. If your abuser is present at any family event, you will not be present.
You can’t control whether or not your mom and family allow your abuser to be involved in family events. But you can control whether you will allow your abuser to be near you. You simply do not go to any events.
Good for you for not caving. I would not attend any family events anymore either.
They can think anything they want, but they can’t make you harm yourself emotionally by forcing you to participate in life with someone who is a bad person that hurt you. Does his wife know what he did?
It feels gross when you step back and see how generations of people have covered up abuse just to keep the peace. It’s not ok. It is how abuse continues.