I’m (21F) in a really difficult situation and would love advice on how to move forward in a healthy way — or if I even should.
My fiancé (22M) recently went on a boys trip to Barcelona. Before he left, we had a calm conversation and agreed on two boundaries for the trip:
1. No clubbing
2. No excessive drinking (for safety reasons)
He agreed — this wasn’t forced, and it was a mutual understanding before he booked anything.
While he was away, he went to a massive nightclub called Razzmatazz, drank heavily, and was unreachable for several hours. When I brought it up, he dismissed my feelings, claimed it “wasn’t a club,” and said I was overreacting. He also allowed his friends to send me voice notes saying he wouldn’t cheat (I never accused him of that), and made jokes about a sex worker approaching him.
What’s bothering me even more than the clubbing is the way he reacted after:
• He keeps asking why I had those boundaries
• He accuses me of being controlling
• He compares our relationship to what’s “normal” according to his friends
• He says I “don’t trust him” just because I had the boundary in the first place
This is really out of character for him, and I’m genuinely shaken and I feel emotionally dismissed, confused, and hurt. We’ve been together 4 years and living together for 3 years. I still love him and don’t want to jump to ending things — but I also don’t want to ignore real issues or red flags. How do I know if this is a one-time misstep or something deeper?
TL;DR: My fiancé and I agreed on two clear boundaries before his boys trip: no clubbing and no getting excessively drunk. He broke both by going to a massive nightclub (Razzmatazz) and drinking heavily. When I calmly confronted him, he denied it was a club, downplayed everything, got his friends involved, and accused me of being controlling. Now I feel disrespected, and unsure about our future.
Comments
You’re both still immature, and him definitely more so. The fact he gaslighted you for pretty much everything is a big red flag as well.
I have no idea why you’d bother thinking about marrying a guy so young, and with a very obvious lack of respect for you.
You can have whatever boundaries you want, but the ones you listed were very controlling and pretty ridiculous for your age.
The guy went on a boys trip to another city. People your age like to party, so it’s natural they went out and drank.
If he got girls numbers or hooked up then that’s cheating and unacceptable boundary to enforce. But going out drinking with the boys? Pretty wild. He can just bullshit with his friends with the backdrop of the club scene. Or one of them could be single and he’s just hanging out in between them approaching people. This is totally normal behavior for your age.
He never should have agreed to conditions he had no intention of meeting. You should never have set conditions that were so unreasonable.
It’s a common misconception, but boundaries aren’t used to control other people’s behavior. They’re used to make an announcement about your own behavior when faced with situations that you do not want to tolerate.
It’s a subtle distinction but the boundary would be that you don’t want to be with someone who wants to go out clubbing and drinking heavily (instead of your boundary being the person you’re with not doing those things).
Thus enforcement of your boundary would be leaving the person if they transgress it, rather than some kind of unimpeachable moral high ground.
I think him ignoring the boundaries on its own is just him being young and immature.
The actual red flag in my opinion is him dismissing your concerns and trying to convince you that you’re the problem afterwards.
His friends don’t get to dictate what is “normal” in your relationship and it’s extremely immature and insulting to you that he is letting them.
> but I also don’t want to ignore real issues or red flags. How do I know if this is a one-time misstep or something deeper?
Don’t ignore them then. He signed up to be your partner signed up to be married to you. How would he feel if the roles were reversed ?
You are still sooo young op. Don’t tie yourself down. To this.