I (25F) am engaged to my fiancé (27M). He’s honestly a great guy,he even helped me land the job I have now, and he’s been supportive in so many ways. From the start, he told me he had really bad exam anxiety in high school. He’d even feel sick and throw up before exams, and I think it mostly came from his mom, who was extremely hard on him. Nothing less than a perfect grade was ever enough for her.
Now, he’s in his second year of computer science. He failed his first year and is still redoing some courses. I get that CS is tough, but it’s draining hearing him constantly complain about being behind while also watching him stay up late every night playing video games with his friends. He does study, but I don’t think it’s enough.
What frustrates me is that when I was in college (I studied something that isn’t as tough as CS), I still pushed myself hard. I gave up games and shows I loved because I knew I had to focus if I wanted to graduate. Meanwhile, he spends hours gaming, then vents to me about how stressful school is, and I’m honestly getting tired of it.
He is applying for internships, which gives me hope because it shows he’s ambitious deep down. But I feel like I’m the one carrying the weight of him failing, being unemployed, not having money, and on top of that, we’re in a long-distance relationship so our quality time is already reduced. I’m scared that I’ll just keep waiting for him to get it together while things keep falling apart.
I love him and I see his potential, but I don’t know how to handle the pressure anymore. How do I support him without burning myself out?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You need to tell him how you’re feeling. Exam anxiety is valid, but he’s pretty clearly not setting himself up for success. Staying up late playing video games instead of studying when he’s already failed once is not the behavior of someone who is trying their best.
He needs to understand how serious this is for you and start putting more effort into his studies. If he brings up his anxiety, encourage him to talk to his campus about mental health services which many schools offer. Press pause on wedding planning until and unless he is in a more stable place and on track to be a contributing partner.
I will also ask, is there a plan to close the distance? He’s only in his second (or second first) year of school. Are you planning to move to him or is it going to be another 3+ years before you’re physically in the same place?
honestly just tell him that…………tell him that u know he has potential and that he can do it…..but make sure u also tell him that u want him to succeed for himself…….that u need a partner with atleast some income so that u guys can have a stable future……and i am assuming cs is computer sciences?? if so then he has to give up on gaming as stuff……cuz CS especially coding needs practice……..all an all he dont look like he is even interested in the course so tell him that u need a stable partner and make it a heart to heart convo…….screaming might get involved but do try to finish it and dont falter from ur stand…………tell him that u will support him but u need a partner and that he needs too or this might cause some frictions in the relationship…….or if u are open to it(financially and all)he COULD be an house husband…….just as a suggestion
Don’t marry someone for potential, ever.
That’s not to say people don’t have bad moments and can change, grow, and evolve – BUT – you need to accept them for who they are when you are making the promise that marriage entails.
Holding out hope that they will do a 180 once you get married can easily lead to resentment and more trouble down the line.
Edit to add: Have you talked about this? You’re engaged, so this kind of thing should be super clear between you two. It’s not like you’re both in your teens/early 20s – this is the time to have a gameplan for your future.
A bit of career advice for your BF. Not everyone is cut out for college, exam anxiety or not. Industry is screaming for skilled trades-persons (millwrights, robotics techs, machinists, HVAC techs, welders, etc.) Many of these fields will pay you to go to school part time while you work a real job and the starting salaries can surpass those of 4 year degree programs. Both you and your BF could be far less financially and relationship stressed if he focused on a career path that he actually enjoyed. (Side Note: “Exam” anxiety is a fraction of real world “got to have the project complete by tomorrow morning” anxiety. Just something for you two to think about going forward.)
I think you’re right when you say you don’t think he’s studying enough — as someone who has a CS degree myself, had I not spent time after class teaching myself every day; I would’ve never learned. The lectures simply offer nothing other than guidance to self education.
Furthermore, most CS exams are open note. Those would be a nonissue if he took the time to learn and document.
The tough pill to swallow is you have someone who is 27 that desperately needs to carry himself across the finish line. Only he can do that, yet he’s spending his nights gaming as he continually digs the hole deeper for himself.
Ultimately, he will need to be the one to do something about his situation.
I was literally in the same position as you a couple of years back. I was also 25 and my ex was 23. My ex blamed everyone for him struggling in school but somehow didn’t blame the 40 hours of video games.
Ultimately I left. You are young. It’s not your role to be this man’s mother. He has growing up to do and maybe that will happen faster if he doesn’t have you to lean on.
Interestingly, when I left my ex he made a complete 180. Went from being a C student to getting As. Graduated with his bachelors a year and a half after I left and went straight into his masters. It’s been roughly 4 years since we broke up and he has two degrees under his belt and a good job.
Your fiance isnt putting in the amount of effort he needs to succeed in CS. I’ve gotten a CS degree while i worked part time, it was tough. He has priorities that are more important than studying, and he is willing to fail to make those priorities happen. So, decide whether you want someone who prioritizes video games over passing university, or being real about what he is able to achieve in life.
Without self-interest (and subsequently self-study), it is a lost cause
“Hey boyfriend, I want to talk to you about something. It’s been very stressful for me to hear you vent about your school troubles when I feel like your actions and choices don’t support your desire to do better in school. I’m always here to support you, but I’d like to ask you to please take steps to manage your school anxiety/stress, like studying and going to bed earlier. Until then, I don’t think I can hear about your school stress, because I’m getting burnt out.”
Let him show you that he’s maturing by either taking your advice and getting better habits. If he isn’t maturing, you need to make a choice: is this a man you can rely on in the life you build together?