I’ve been engaged to my fiancé for a few months now and our difference in sex drives is becoming more and more apparent. I want him 3+ times a week while he is content with once a week or even every other week. I understand that the frequency of sex often goes down after the honeymoon phase but we’ve only been together a few years and we’re both in our twenties so this seems low. I’ve tried to bring bringing up my concerns delicately and have conversations about what I can do that gets him in the mood or what new things he’d be interested in trying but am not getting much feedback. I’d be open to anything he wants to try and just want to feel connected with my partner and make him feel good. He’s also the only person I’ve ever had sex with so I’m not sure what else to do and maybe this is normal. He has had several other sexual relationships where it sounds like he was more adventurous and open to trying new things. This makes our current dynamic a little more hurtful especially because I would like to explore my sexuality more while taking a more submissive role and having him initiate more often. It’s just hard feeling like I want him more than he wants me even though I know how much he loves me. Any advice on how to spice things up or a better approach to fix the is dynamic so we are both satisfied would be much appreciated.
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Don’t marry someone who does not match your energy. Life is too short. Tal to him but if you do not see any changes, dump him.
Has he had a complete physical with his testosterone levels checked? That is the first place to start. Maybe check out the Reddit group dead bedroom. You can find some experienced folks there.
Get his hormones checked. Is he on depression meds? Switch meds took me from “sex doesnt exist” to “its been 3hrs, can we go again?”
Lots of options to explore before calling it quits, but if they truly dont WANT to fix it, you know what to do.
If you’re not getting what you want/need right from the start you’re not going to.
Because if you talk about it and things pick up it fucks with your head because you wonder if they’re just doing it to appease you and if so it usually doesn’t last or leads to resentment.
My husband and I have mismatched libidos, it’s a bummer lol at the end of the day I can’t make him want to have it more than he does. He has adhd so if he’s not focusing on sex, it is not on his mind at all and there are a hundred other things competing for his attention. I was building a lot of resentment being the one to always initiate and then being rejected. Have settled on masturbating when I can, and when we do have sex, he makes sure to draw it out and focus on my pleasure, so there’s compromise to be had. Carefully consider if it’s enough of a deal breaker for you, as it may only get better by so much.
In my opinion… 3 times a week and once a week. If those are your natural levels for each, I feel they’re not that far off from each-other.
When I see similar ball parks like that… My follow up question is going to be about the quality itself.
Because the quality of what happens, can actually make up for the the differences in frequencies (for me at least).
For example.
3 times a week, but quick 10 minute sessions to get it out your systems. Surface level sex.
Or..
Once a week. But you’re really going at it for an hour, all the positions are hit, you’re both sweating, shit’s hot and steamy. The type where you lay there afterwards high fiving each-other like it rocked each-others world.
Of the two, what would you actually prefer given the option? More sex? or better sex?
Personally, I am quality over quality.
If once a week is all I can get, then I want to be dam sure all the boxes are checked and we’re knocking socks off… Because if we can’t do that with each-other, then I confirmed the fact that we aren’t sexually compatible.
If you are already disliking your sex life… Then its time to pump the breaks on the marriage and fix the holes.
Don’t marry into an unsatisfactory bedroom, it won’t get better… Maybe a different approach would be to focus less on how much, but rather how do we make each time feel like more? Bridging the gaps that way.
It will never get better. Find someone else. Libido don’t just magically change.
This is will slowly ruin your relationship and lead you to seek attention elsewhere or break up. This happened to me
Girl, bounce now. It doesn’t get better. Been there and nope, it messes with your self esteem over time.
Buy some lingerie and be wearing it when he comes home. Pretty simple 😉
NEVER going to change. Go to r/deadbedrooms so you can see what your future looks like. I’m sorry to be so blunt but it’s best that you know now so you can decide if it’s how you want to live your life.
Most men fell the same way you do. Unfortunately you can’t change them. Either suck it up or break up.
Go to the deadbedroom subreddit for some advice, sympathy, support and compassion. We all are very familiar with the subject and empathetic to your plight.
The short answer is you are not compatible sexually and it will most likely never get better.
You will have this situation chip away at your self esteem until you are a shell of your former self.
If you do not fix this or move on quickly enough you will not recognize yourself by the end of things.
Please realize this is your first sexual relationship, it doesn’t have to be the last or only.
Move on and explore your sexuality with people who will match your enthusiasm in kind.
I will never understand relationships where the woman has to work to keep their man’s sexual attention. That seems like a given to me.
He’s just super comfortable and relaxed with you. The honeymoon doesn’t last forever!
29M who isn’t into it more than 3x a week has a problem–a huge enormous problem–like massive porn addiction or a drug problem or something. Find out before you marry him.
You’ve said you brought this up delicately and aren’t getting much feedback which seems to be skipped over by most or something.
Ignore all the time to move on responses before you actually bring it up to him straightforward.
“I want more sex, I’m willing and want to try new things, let’s talk this out and see how we can make that work for both of us.”
Many people think they’ve delicately brought up subjects and more just danced around it out of nervousness, don’t end something without outright saying what you want.
You need couples counselling to deal with this, and before any marriage. You might find a successful resolution. Or you might find that you are incompatible.
It’s wild that so many people end relationships over this without trying to work through it with a pro.
Sexual issues in relationships are weighty, layered and emotional – we are not often well-equipped to talk about them or solve them.
This is the best it will ever be. If you aren’t satisfied now, it will only get worse later.
Buy a vibrator. That’s my advice. Don’t throw the whole man out or try to make him change for you. He won’t. No relationship is ever perfect.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but …it will not get better. I can guarantee you, it will not get better. I have been in the same spot you are in now. I tried talking to him. I wrote him letters. I emailed him. I told him in plain, clear-cut words. NOTHING HELPED. He has been happy (or so he says), but I have been miserable. I began to feel unwanted, unappreciated, undesirable, unattractive. It really did a number on my self esteem. When his low libido went even lower, it made it impossible to conceive a second child. I felt ashamed and dirty for wanting more. I rationalized our incompatibility and gave up. I grew to resent him and myself, as well. Life is short and marital commitments are hard to get out of. You won’t be doing him-or you, for that matter-any favors by forcing yourself into a situation that is already uncomfortable. Get out now while you can. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I wish you all the best.
DO. NOT. MARRY. HIM‼️Seriously, this is NOT normal for your 20s, and if you’re already unhappy now, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, bit this incompatibility will only get even worse over time, not better.
I suggest you at least sit him down and tell him that you both need to get on the same page with regards to sex, before you continue with the wedding planning, because you don’t want this to be your married life. DO NOT believe him if/when he tries to say that he will look into fixing it after the wedding- because he will NOT. Suggest that you see a sex therapist together, maybe they can help.
Don’t marry someone who is not sexually compatible with you. I’m a 46F, with my husband for 16 years, and trying hard to fix the dead bedroom that he doesn’t see any problem with. If I was your age, with no kids, and not married, I would NOT jump into a marriage like this. Be smart!!!
I don’t understand how you got to such a serious and committed point and relationship to just find out you are sexually incompatible – end it and move on – agree to an open relationship? Or Cheat – that is your options
Ugh same here. Once a week if I’m lucky. We also have mismatched sleep schedules which makes it even worse
Don’t marry into a dead (or dying) bedroom. Figure it out before you get married because after the “honeymoon” phase it will drop. I’ve been with my husband almost 20 years (married 15) and were in our 40s. I want sex 3-4 times a week and he wants it 1x every 1-2 months. He feels his desires are normal and there is something wrong with me. This will be the 3rd year I’ve had my OBGYN and general md do bloodwork and physicals to show I don’t have a hormone imbalance.
My suggestion would be to talk to him make sure he is not depressed or anything. When we are stressed and have a lot going on sometimes sex can take a back seat.