For context: My fiancé and I have known each other for 20+ years, have been together for 5 and engaged for under 1, and living together for 5.5 years.
My fiance provided me a place to move into for an interim period while I had nowhere else to go, this included me bringing my pets – a cat (9 years) and a dog (6.5years). Eventually, we realised that we were romantically interested in each other and life has progressed from there.
Prior to getting together, my cat was an inside only cat (if she were to go outside, it was on lead) and my dog was inside/outside, inside when I was home and outside if she wanted to be / if I was taking her for a walk or run. In other words, pup was with me 95% of the time if I was home, with only while I was at work the time that she was fenced in and alone.
The issue that has arisen is that my Fiance has put a hard boundary on pup being inside in ‘our’ areas.
Our house is double storey and we spend our time upstairs (bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room) with a somewhat rumpus room area downstairs that we have a ‘living’ area in with couch, a small bedroom and a little shower room that the cats’ litterbox is in – this is where the dog spends 100% of her time inside, of course she does spend time outside too but inside is where she sleeps.
My pup is a kelpie x koolie and is high energy, she sheds quite a bit and she can be a stinker if she farts (but she’s my baby who has helped me through some unbelievably hard times) – all of these are gripes he has expressed – he does have dust allergies too, also frustrated that I ‘have to wait on her hand and foot if she wants to go outside’ (I could not care less about doing this), these are all his reasonings as to why she is not allowed upstairs.
This has greatly, greatly affected me and has started to cause some resentment on my side due to the fact that I inherently believe that your pet should get to be in every aspect of your life and that they only get X amount of time already, why would you not want them around? Its getting to the point where I’m mentally exhausted because I’m constantly having to manage where I’m spending my time and where I’m focusing my energy, I’m physically exhausted because I walk her 2 hours every day as I work 9 hour days and I feel horrible that she’s sitting alone in a backyard for 9 hours. The fact that she isn’t allowed upstairs, were we spend our time, means that other than the 2 hour walk, she is getting maybe 5-10 minutes of attention. This means she is alone for between 21-23 hours per day.
She is a rescue, is timid / fearful of men, has attached to me (and I to her) and I couldn’t imagine trying to re-home her but it’s getting to the point that I’m feeling pulled between my relationship and my pup. I don’t know if this is a true incompatibility, the following points definitely increase my frustration too:
– if we look after his mums’ dogs, they’re allowed upstairs, on the couches, wherever
– he previously had a dog that unfortunately passed; he was allowed upstairs and on couches (Fiance would cover the couches with blankets (etc) to keep them clear of fur)
– my cat was indoor only, he has started letting her outside. This was a hard boundary for me which he has completely crossed time and time again
– I tried to compromise by suggesting pup come upstairs 2-3 nights a week and I would immediately clean up afterwards (this was vetoed)
– when trying to express how greatly it is affecting me, he has said “if she’s up here, I’ll be down there”, creating an ultimatum type situation
This is legitimately the only issue I have in our relationship but, as much as I have tried to squash it, I can’t. It hurts me so deeply, it genuinely hurts my soul.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to approach it. I feel like I am absolutely stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don’t want resentment to build but I fear that is already happening.
ETA: RE my indoor cat: he lets her out when we are outside, she is always monitored. And honestly, she loves him more than me for it.
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Drop the bf, keep the dog.
You lost me when you said he let your indoor-only cat outside REPEATEDLY even after you said this was a hard boundary.
Move bedding downstairs to spend time and nights with your animals. If other animals have been allowed up there but yours are not sounds like very controlling behavior towards you. If it was me I would be finding my own place. Btw my vet told me my dogs could take 2 gas-x a day but they were rotties do yours probably only one. OMG it helped the stench so very much. Good luck.
I don’t know why this is even a question. You are letting him abuse your pets, but you still want to marry him? Why?
He is not only abusing them by regulating them to certain areas, which is the equivalent of keeping them in cages, but he is only doing this to YOUR babies. Letting your indoor cat outside? What the heck.
You can tell a person by how they treat pets. The fact that he specifically treats your pets poorly tells me he doesn’t respect you. This would get substantially worse if you married him. You have even told him, and he doesn’t care. Hurting deeply is not what I call a great relationship.
I would be looking for my own place, with plenty of space for my babies to run around. Tell him thank you for your help, but you are out.
He’s mistreating your pets. That’s a fundamental character flaw. It may be the first, but it won’t be the last. Cut him loose and find someone better.
This is a bigger issue than him just not liking your dog. He doesn’t respect your boundaries, he’s dismissive of your feelings and distress, and he’s refusing to compromise. These are serious issues that will show up in other ways if you marry him.
Drop the bf, keep your dog. As a cat owner, I’d be furious at a partner who let my cat outside and exposed them to the risks of getting hit by a car, stolen, hurt by cruel humans, poisoned by people putting stuff on their gardens, picked up and taken away by a well-meaning human, getting into fights with other cats or foxes etc. Any partner who tried that when I’d explicitly told them no would be dumped.
As for your dog, I am so sorry. He does seem to be treating her differently from other dogs in the family, which is unfair. And it’s cruel to make her be alone so much of the day. She just wants to be near you, and while it’s important for humans to sometimes have a bit of space (either a room that’s off limits or some time for the two of you to spend time together without your dog) more for his sake than yours, it’s not cool to basically force her to never be around you.
Is it possible that you developed romantic feelings because he “saved” you when you had nowhere else to go?
Would you be together if you weren’t already sharing a home?