So me (26M) and my fiancé (26F) are going through a really rough patch and I don’t know what to do.
Some context: we started dating when we were 18 and were together for 2 years before we broke it off. We were too young and needed time to ourselves. But we both still loved each other and in our hearts knew there was a future together at some point.
4 years later we get back together, but not without issues. Shortly after getting back together I told her that I’d hooked up with someone a month before we started dating again and I’d told her (when asked) that I didn’t regret it. A few weeks later she found that I was still following this girl on instagram. To make matters worse a friend of mine asked if an instagram story I’d put up of my gf was this girl I hooked up with, which my gf saw. So it wasn’t a smooth start.
After this saga I had a conversation with my gf and suggested we break up. She didn’t know, but I was in a deep depression at the time and I worried that it would drive us apart, so I figured ending it would salvage what we had. I was given an ultimatum and we stayed together.
To make matters EVEN worse, about a year into the relationship my gf found she had HPV, and given she hadn’t slept with anyone during the 4 years we had apart, it had to have come from me. She blamed me non-stop for it and whenever I tried bringing it up or supporting her I was met with anger and blame.
These things come up constantly, she gets angry that I hooked up with someone so soon before seeing her, that I broke up with her, that I seemingly never put her first.
These issues have defined our relationship. She has refused to forgive me despite the countless times I’ve apologised. I love her endlessly, but these issues are really taking a toll.
And the thing is I feel I’m a good fiancé. I wait up for her when she’s out, I support her with work, I even changed jobs so that we could move for her work, I cancel on friends to be with her when she’s stressed, I create traditions. But I never feel like I’m good enough for her, and that’s partly because she constantly wants me to do more to fix the past.
I have clearly made mistakes, but I don’t understand her unwillingness to forgive, surely putting these things behind us is possible?
TLDR: fiancé can’t forgive the past, which has defined the relationship. Is she right and what can I do to fix it.
Comments
Let her go. She deserves better.
I’m not even understanding why you proposed given the circumstances. Do you want to hear about these issues for the rest of your life? If she can’t let it go, I don’t see how you can move forward.
You’ve said she’s hurt that you never put her first, this may be the main issue she has and then she projects onto other things that cause her hurt. Yes she shouldn’t be holding things against you that happened when you weren’t together but I feel like that’s just the tip of the iceberg to the real issues. If you’re serious about fixing it, relationship counselling but it sounds like you’re half way out the door already.