I guess this is NSFW bc it’s sex stuff, idk figured better safe than sorry
I (25F) have been with my fiancé (28M) for 3.5 years, engaged for 1. He’s my first and only. Our sex life was great when we started out, we figured each other out pretty quickly. Six months in to our relationship, he went into sober living which made our sex life nonexistent; he barely even touched me, which sucked but I knew he was going through hell in his own head so I just supported him as best I could
When he got out a few months later he moved in with me, but things didn’t pick back up. I remember we had sex once shortly before he got out and moved in, because my cat was dying and he was trying to distract me. We had one other time before I’d gone to work one morning after he’d moved in
That was in 2022. We haven’t had sex since. Not for lack of trying, but because something happened in my body to where, physically, I can’t. My Pap smears have been hella painful, like I want to scream the whole time. I’ve been in pelvic floor physical therapy since September 2024, and I’ve gotten nowhere. My body has decided it wants all my be contracted at all times; apparently, one of the pelvic muscles on the left side of my body is so tight consistently, my therapist says it feels like she’s pressing on a tendon 🙃
Because of this, sex is off the table. Completely. But he’s always horny. ALWAYS horny. I do what I can, I get lingerie and send pictures, but all he wants is sex. I want it too, don’t get me wrong, but when you get going and all of a sudden you’re in so much pain all you can do is scream? Yeah, it’s kinda hard to want that
I know there are ways I can try to help, but honestly, I hate giving blow jobs. I know I should get pleasure from pleasuring him, but I can’t. It’s something I’m working on, but I struggle to want to do it
Idk, I’m just getting very frustrated. All our friends are trying to find solutions for us, but I really just needed a place to rant. If you read this, thanks for dealing with my rambling
Comments
Hi, From reading the post, we can all see you are trying your best and its nice to see.
Its perfectly understandable that you would be frustrated.
Have you thought about using the hand also, or is the back door an option? Another way, but a bit strange, would be to give him a vr headset. He watches stuff while you do what you are willing?
Hope this helps.
Wayne
I understand not being able to have sex, but if you are unwilling to find a middle ground, like blowjobs, etc, you’re going to have to make peace with the fact that he will eventually get it elsewhere.
I would argue that a lot of women dislike giving blowjobs, it’s hard work, but they do it because it shows their partner that they care about them feeling good and cared for.
It sounds like you need to see a pelvic floor therapist to help you find the source of your pain and treat it with physical therapy.
If clitoral stimulation is still a go, you could try toys. Both for you and him, the decent ones can cost a pretty penny, but it might help with some of the frustration, and that way, you can both still be intimate and both have fun.
If that is a no-go, then, damn, that REALLY sucks for you, and I hope your therapy starts showing some results.
Is he after release from ejaculation only or physical intimacy because you can do both without penetration.
This a a new dance you have to learn while you work, medically, towards a solution. It’s just different dance steps then what you both had before.
You both need to be willing to explore different options until this is resolved. It’s about both of you being open and honest with your needs and working towards a compromise together.
Your relationship isn’t less than because you can’t have penetrative sex.
Perhaps you could try pretending like it’s the beginning of your relationship again and do the things leading up to sex without going all the way there until you’re ready to? Just slowly enjoying those firsts again
If the front door ain’t working… try the backdoor.
There are so many ways for both of you to get off other than PIV. This post is silly
Something else in your body is wrong. Did you fall hard on your tailbone before this started happening, or have some other kind of injury? Or sometimes the body randomly reacts sexual trauma from years ago, that the person may not remember or may have never processed. I have had many pelvic floor issues, and very few have been helped by a pelvic floor PT. I had to go down the bodywork rabbit hole, and learn from various modalities. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Feel free to DM if you want to brainstorm ideas of where to start, and I’ll tell you what I’ve tried and who I’ve talked to.
Weird thought… consider seeing if you can get botox shots in the pelvic muscle. Botox relaxes tensed muscles .
Once it is relaxed you and your therapist can find exercises that would allow you to comfortably stretch that particular muscle group and hopefully prevent it from tensing back up in the future.
Does he pleasure you ? Does he give you orgasms with his tongue, his fingers ? Do you masturbate ? Does he ? (Masturbate you I mean)
Vaginismus plus hates giving blowjobs…yikes. I’m sorry but he’s leaving unless you figure something out ASAP.
That sounds like vaginismus, I had that before and it’s so painful (literally cried having a speculum put in), it’s a psychological issue – it can be tied with trauma or anxiety. Unfortunately it makes itself worse by giving you anxiety about having sex and clenching up more and having PIV sex while you’re in pain is going to exacerbate it. It can take time to heal from, and mental health support if you are able to access this. For now, perhaps mutual masturbation, hand stuff, perhaps playing around with more kink based ideas might help you both feel sexually bonded in the meantime
Maybe talk to your PT and doc about Botox injections? I think they can also do trigger point dry needling on the pelvic floor, but I don’t do women’s health so I’m not certain, and obviously you’d want to find someone who really knew what they were doing. Maybe talk to your GP about muscle relaxers if Botox is too extreme?
I am in a similar situation, and it really sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through that. One thing my therapist has talked about is that PIV is what most people consider sex, but it isn’t necessarily the only option. Exploring outside of that when neither of you have intentions of ending in PIV sex can help re-spark and feel more satisfying for both of you. It’s a horrible place to be, but a lot of women are in the same place.
You have a mouth and he’s your husband
It’s pretty typical for new owners to go through problems with their adoption. It is common practice to take them to get neutered to avoid problems later on.
Anal , handjobs or blowjobs get good at them or get used to being single for the rest of your life.
Why don’t you try dilators?
I mean… there are so many other things you can do in sex that is not penetration
Everyone on here who posts about not having a sex life: (so we don’t have to see these idiotic posts all the time)
If you are in a relationship that doesn’t have enjoyable sex, and you’re below 50 years in age, move the fuck on.
Sex is one of the most important bonding actions in any coupling. If you’re not getting any, and it’s been more than a few months, we have to assume you’re in it for the money or just don’t have confidence that you could find someone else – newsflash, you can definitely someone else
what did your gyno say OP?!? I’m so sorry💔
There’s a movie I saw some years ago – “the adventures of dickman and throbbing”
Give it a watch. If they can’t help, you gotta give the two hole