My partner and I have been together for 5 years, have a home and a dog together.
Got engaged 7 months ago.
My dream wedding ceremony would be outside, however he insisted on a church wedding due to his religion. He is Christian.
I said fine and agreed, If it makes him happy then I’m happy.
We went on to talk about guest lists: he has probably 300+ family here, coming from an Arab background. I mentioned to him how I only want people that I know or that he’s close to coming to the wedding. Keeping in mind we both would be paying for all of this!
He replied with “but they are all family, and are all close to my parents” and I said “ya I understand but I don’t know them and this day is about us, not your parents or for someone who just wants to come to a party”
Even for the music: He wants 80-90% Arab music as it’ll be mostly his family there. I disagreed with this as I want mixed music, so myself and my side of the family also have a good time.
I’m getting to the point of not even wanting to have a wedding if I don’t even get a say in how it will be. The last thing I want is for me to feel uncomfortable at my own wedding.
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If he’s unwilling to compromise on anything for the wedding then I would definitely be postponing it and reconsidering whether I even want to marry a man who cares more about what his guests will want than what his future wife wants.
Consider carefully the implications of this, and remember that how the two of you make decisions for this occasion to celebrate the two of you is a reflection of how decisions will be made in your life. Is he expecting his wants to dictate 80-90% of your lifestyle? It’s not just about this one day.
You are not at all asking for too much. The first real test of a marriage is in the wedding planning; compromise is essential where it’s reasonable, and both parties need to feel like they’re being heard. This does not bode well.
Sit him down, and make sure you articulate exactly that to him. Ensure that he understands that he needs to make sacrifices and balance his world with your world, or this will never work.
Yes, you’re in your right to have a say about how your wedding goes. This should be an event that you can both feel satisfied with.
How would you feel about telling him that you don’t feel like your needs or expectations are being considered in the wedding plans?
Keep negotiating these points because if you can’t even communicate and compromise on the wedding no marriage between you is going to stand a chance of lasting. Wedding guests and party music are small scale as compared to the big things married couples face. If you’re a mixed faith/mixed culture couple there are going to be much bigger things you’ll have to contend with. If you can’t negotiate to some reasonable middle ground you might get into some premarital counseling. If after that you still can’t make it work then you shouldn’t be getting married.
Also, why are you BOTH paying for a wedding if he is invited waaaay more people? Tell him he needs to pay for his side and see if that changes his mind. Or tell him to cover the whole bill and he can do whatever he wants within reason.
Your post makes me uneasy. It seems “his way or the highway” and that isn’t a way to start off a marriage. If you aren’t excited about the wedding and you can’t come to some simple agreements, I would postpone it.
You two are not on the same page and he’s not willing to listen. Do you want this to be the overarching theme of your life?
If he won’t compromise on anything regarding the wedding, that doesn’t bode well for your life together. What about the day reflects you as a person or your life together?
So, why are you the one compromising here? I’m not trying to drive a wedge in between you, but seems like you’re the only party giving anything up. That’s not fair. It should be something that is both of you.
I would reach out to Arab subreddits. You’ll probably get better support and understanding from there. Marrying into a different culture can be challenging. This sounds like a battle between your wishes and his identity. No one will be a winner here if you guys pick one or the other.
You guys would probably have to come up with creative ideas where you can fulfil your wishes alongside his cultural obligations. For example a smaller outdoor pre-wedding ceremony with only the immediate families. You can also do pictures during this time. Followed by a bigger wedding.
I’m going to say that you’re getting a small glimpse of what your life with look like with this man. Proceed with caution.
When I was with my ex, we’d talked about getting married. I wanted to elope in the mountains and he wanted his family there at a big wedding.
We were on a little trip to Tahoe and I made a comment of “This would be a nice spot to get married. Your family could come in, and I’d still get a small mountain wedding, but there would be a town and it’s not really remote.”
His reply to my comment was “My mom would hate it here.” (He apparently meant in regards to her anxiety.)
Anyways, that was just one of the ways we never found a way to compromise. I’d try to compromise, and unless I met him most of the way to where he was, it wouldn’t work.
If there are other examples of you guys struggling to compromise, I’d try to talk to him or do couple’s therapy. I have a ton of other examples of how he dismissed me or wouldn’t meet me halfway. I hope you guys find a way to both be happy though! 😊
Ummm…forget the wedding. Have you guys talked about how your life will be going forward? How you’ll manage your and his family? How you’ll meld your cultures and traditions and lifestyles together where you’re equally represented?
Because him wanting his way and using the “there’s more of my family so majority rules” card can play out time and time again in a marriage. And, assuming he hasn’t been overly religious before, suddenly wanting a church wedding could be a sign of religion playing a larger part in your marriage than you thought.
Has he normally been good about things being 50/50 between what you want and what he wants? Or have you just gone with it until now because you didn’t care, but you do care about your wedding?
He wants you to help pay for 300 people? Does not care about your feelings or tastes? I hope that when you read this, you willrun…run as quickly as you can away from this selfish and insensitive person! You deserve better.
Lack of compromise and consideration for your wants at your wedding doesn’t bode well for your future.
Honestly it sounds like he is marrying himself and not you. He doesn’t value your opinion and his is the only one that matters. It will get worse after your marriage, he is way to controlling and more worried about the impression he gives his family.
To me this is telling you how the marriage will go- he wants what he wants, and what you want doesn’t matter nearly as much if at all
Better to find out how he will deal with future conflicts & plans and if he will consider your feelings now than later.
Hang on.
I believe you might have a hang up on his guest members. I’m not Arab. But I think that in their beliefs when you marry the man, you marry the family. So in his past every marriage has included the whole family. I do believe the family has to approve of the woman. (I don’t want to know what their culture does with their women. I think they’re traded for goats)
Wedding planning is an indication of how he will approach problem solving the rest of your marriage. Given his attitude, he will be a “my way or the highway” type of husband. Do you really want that? I think your wedding is ultimately a reflection of your shared goals and values. I’m currently planning a wedding and my partner and I have the same goals for how we want to celebrate and there has been almost no tension once we figured out our budget. I say this just as a point of comparison for how wedding planning, IMO, should be. Your fiancées rigid approach shows that he doesn’t value your input, ideas, or desired wedding. Those are serious red flags.
Did you guys not talk about this before you got engaged?
Welcome to an intercultural relationship. How are the intercultural aspects outside of wedding planning?
Here’s what I think – Weddings are about compromise. My husband is similar to your fiance although different culture. HUGE family, different language, very different music. I wanted to elope. He wanted a big ass wedding.
What I decided is “at the end of the day who will regret what more?” I knew I wouldn’t regret having a wedding NEARLY as much as he’ll regret NOT having a wedding. And that was a conversation we had.
You and your man need to sit down and talk about cultural representation and expression of two individuals coming together as one. I would encourage, for the music, that for the people who will leave earlier in the evening, cater the music to them first. So for us, my white aunts uncles, and elders, I knew they would be leaving as soon as they could lol! So we started off with fun dance music that catered to them. After 6-8 songs like that, we switched over to his culture’s music – at that point, the white people were drunk enough they didn’t care what they were dancing too and his culture’s family all TURNED UP (they like to stay late at weddings and dance until the end so that was no biggy.)
Make a list of ALL the wedding decisions and write his name next to everything he says he gets final say in. When he sees how messed up of a visual that is, he’ll likely become a bit more cooperative. He loves you. You two must be good together if you have navigated the intercultural stuff this far! Wedding planning makes or breaks couples. You two can make it through this. Also- 10/10 recommend letting him read my comment and others so he can see what others think too. It may help him open his mind. ♥
For many couples, wedding planning can be the 1st time they have to make many decisions while learning how to compromise and find common ground. It’s a give and take.
You’ve already given up something huge (where the ceremony takes place). Now it’s his turn to give up something major. The fact that he wants almost all Arab music is so disrespectful to you and your family.
Also, if you’re paying yourselves, he’s going to run into some serious sticker shock when you start pricing things.
I don’t know what to tell you, but I do hope you’re 100 percent sure you want to marry this guy. You’re getting an early snapshot into what married life will be.
Girl, this doesn’t get any better after you’re married. Hhs “family” is going to swallow you up whole. Think on that before you tie that knot.
How much is that going to cost?
Precious baby angel it will 100% be worse once you are legally licked in. This is just a preview.
He is not “seeming” to dismiss your feelings – he considers them irrelevant. It’s his way ir the highway. He doesn’t give a rats ass. His actions are saying fuck your feelings, you might as well know now: HIS religion, HIS family (all 300 of them) and HIS EGO will always, always, always be the only thing he cares about. You are a prop. He is the only star on the stage.
Just lay back, submit and spread your legs and make him some babies. That’s it. He foesnt care about your mind heart or needs. And he will never respect you. He feels powerful by abusing you.
If you have one shred of self preservation? Get out now.
So basically you were created In a vacuum with no family, friends, traditions, wants and needs, while he comes from this rich dnc important religion/culture that is the only thing that natters.
This – the wedding prep – is a glimpse into your life together. Your wedding, your friends, food, music, decorations, children – number and names, etc etc etc. your life will be whatever he wants because you are not a important.
I’ve known a few marriages like this. They either end in messy divorce or they are miserable.
What do your friends and family think about Prince Charming?
So it’s not at your own wedding. It’s yals wedding. So i didn’t want a lot of people either. But to compromise I found a venue that was more affordable but it was also more of a distance. Trust me…when you get married you won’t think about all the people and how many people. This one you’re worried about is a non issue. He’s Arab meaning won’t they shower you with money right? Not trying to have you rely on that but that’s what I thought I know. As for music just tell the DJ to play what you both like. We had a mixture. I come from a very religious background that doesn’t believe in secular music but we only played mostly non religious music at reception. My people also don’t believe in alcohol but his does. We had alcohol. I had to let some things go and it was better like that. Trust me you’re worried about the wrong things. Make sure the first dance is to what you like and stuff like that and what he likes. Don’t think about guest only think about you and him. I am concerned about both of you not sharing the same religious beliefs. That’s the only real issue I see.
If you have kids they will be raised the way HE wants to raise them.
The wedding is the least of it. Imagine how the rest of your life will look, overrun by his many relatives with religious opinions!
this is why people need to get to know each other for years before committing to each other. If you do not want the same things, it’s not gonna work. These things should be talked about at the very beginning. I learned the hard way as well.
Be very careful about marrying a Christian man if youre not Christian. Maybe he’s not that devout now, but he is insisting on a church wedding, later he’ll want you to attend church, and if you have kids, he’ll want them raised in the faith.
Also, who’s paying for these 300 guests. Don’t let him steamroll you. If he’s this way about the wedding, what’s he going to be like after the wedding?
That doesn’t sound like the two of your compatible and should not be getting married. It seems like it’s always going to be his way no matter what. Seems like he doesn’t know the word compromise and what it entails. You could agree to 150 people which means you have to Pare down quite a bit and or how about having a church wedding with a reception outside if weather permits. Or have a lot of the wedding pictures outside. There’s ways around it.
But you might want to seriously rethink marrying him. I think that he’s always going to want to please family which means it’s always going to be seeing his family, visiting his family, taking his family into consideration and you’re just going to lose yourself in all this. Do some premarital counseling and you two need to be very aware of your differences before getting married and if he’s not willing to compromise then don’t marry him.
Have you discussed having two ceremonies? Many mixed culture families do this
Ah, this is a culture clash. Arab weddings are massive and EVERYONE goes. You have entirely different ideas of what a wedding should be.
They’re also really fun – if you want to go down the path of trying it out in full.
Maybe you should do two weddings? A small, private one and then the big party one?
But you should also consider that these culture clashes will likely continue in your marriage.
Do you want kids? Have you had loooooong talks about how you envision things like discipline?
Lots to discuss!
If he doesn’t love you enough to organise a wedding that you BOTH love, then he doesn’t love you enough to marry you.
This will be your life if you marry him. Him and his wants/needs will come first. Your feelings are third to his and his family
Think hard on if you want this as your forever.
You need to resolve deeper issues before marrying.
It sounds like his Christian Arab heritage and extended family matter far more to him than you realized. We often read similar posts about expectations for large Indian weddings here, and there are the same concerns.
What you want is a small intimate wedding with close friends and family. That is a reasonable request. However, how you go about making decisions here with him now will set the stage for other decision processes. In his culture, the wedding is not just about the couple. It genuinely is for large gatherings of family and friends. What you are picturing would be incomprehensible to some of them.
Think about how you want to raise children, give to family in poor circumstances, have visitors, and visit others. This difference in how involved and important extended family, religion, and culture is in your lives will continue to matter.
You may want to wait on the wedding and do pre-marital counseling to resolve some of this before marrying.
He’s going with Arab traditions. Don’t get married if you can’t compromise. Especially since you’re paying for it
Look, you’re not going to like this, but I have some experience in this.
You signed up for an interacial relationship and marriage, just as I did with my wife (me white, her Indian.)
If you come from a secular family that lacks traditions and strong beliefs, then you should probably at the minimum attempt to compromise and meet him on some of these desires.
Tradition, family and things like marriage’s are BIG deals, and even bigger deals in Arabic and Asian cultures.
“The last thing I want to feel is uncomfortable at my own wedding”
Well guess what, that’s what you are going to feel.
The dress, the shoes, the random people, spending the entire night running around for photos and greetings without getting to sit down and eat or enjoy yourself etc – that’s what a wedding is.
A wedding is one night, it’s a party essentially and then it’s done, so my suggestion would be to think more about the marriage and less about the wedding, is this the man you want to marry really? Is this the family you want to marry into?
If you are a secular white person and he is a religious arabic person, your culture will never come first, your desires around these ceremonies will always take a back seat – this is true for holidays as well.
So give it some thought and ask yourself if you’re really ready to enter a mixed culture marriage and what that means for the rest of your life.
Think long AND hard about marrying this man. It sounds like his culture is the only important one. What about children. How will they be raised. If the marriage doesn’t work out is there a chance he could take them to a foreign country. He sounds very selfish.
Nta… it is worrying he doesn’t know how to, or care to compromise. I wouldn’t want to start a family with someone like this
The things you argue about during wedding planning are the things you’re going to argue about for your entire marriage.
Personally I wouldn’t ever marry someone who wasn’t willing to listen to my valid concerns and be willing to partner on a solution. The wedding just sounds like the first of many decisions he’s gonna steam roll over you.
My wife and I both agreed we wouldn’t invite anyone we didn’t already know. The last thing we wanted during our wedding was to be meeting people (with the exception of a friend/relatives significant other we hadn’t met). I share this because she shared this thought with me and it made sense to me. My thoughts weren’t about my parents or relatives. I thought about us. And I didn’t want to be meeting her uncle, cousins, or whomever for the first time during my wedding. I wanted my wedding to be with people I already knew, which would lead to us having a good time not walking around meeting strangers.
You both need to figure it out. It’s definitely not fair for you to be forced to accept his wishes for your wedding day. There must be some kind of compromise. Best of luck!