A year ago, my fiancée and I had a pretty honest conversation where she admitted I’m not really her physical type. She said she worried that if I didn’t get into shape, she might eventually lose attraction to me. That hit me hard. Around that same time (or a little earlier), she had flirted heavily with a guy while drunk, someone who was her type. That moment has never really left my head.
After that conversation, I committed to working out hard. I’m in the best shape of my life now and love the person I am. I do feel better physically but mentally, I struggle. It no longer feels like I’m working out for me, it feels like I’m working out to not lose her. She’s made comments when I’ve slowed down or missed workouts. So now it feels like a requirement, not a choice.
A month ago, we were out and she made a comment that a girl we saw was “out of my league.” That stung. That comment, along with our past conversations, actually led her to reflect and wonder if she’s a shallow person. But even hearing that, I still wonder deep down, will I ever actually be enough for her physically?
Here’s the confusing part. She recently opened up to me that she is afraid I’ll start getting attention from other women now that I’m getting fit, and that I might leave her for someone else. She said that she has seen women checking me out and that people have made comments to her about how handsome I am. I’ve done nothing but reassure her that she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, that I’m fully committed, and I’d never walk away. I constantly make sure she feels loved and desired. But despite her insecurities, she still holds me to this physical standard, and she still doesn’t tell me I’m attractive.
She struggles with expressing emotions verbally, and I get that. But never hearing that I’m handsome or desired by the person I love is hard. I don’t want empty compliments, I just want to feel like I’m enough.
And it’s worth saying, aside from this, our relationship is incredible. This is both of our second chances at marriage, and we’re truly each other’s person. We communicate deeply (sometimes without even speaking), we’ve helped each other grow so much, our kids get along great, and our sex life is amazing, truly better than either of us have ever had. We are genuinely happy. But this one thing sits in the back of my mind and chips away at my confidence.
Should I bring it up again? Am I overthinking it? Or do I need to just accept that this is how she expresses herself, and try to stop needing that kind of verbal reassurance?
TL;DR:
My fiancée told me I’m not her physical type and worries about losing attraction if I don’t stay fit. She rarely compliments me physically, even though I’ve made big changes. I’ve reassured her over and over that she’s all I want, despite her fears that I’ll leave her now that I’m getting in shape. But I still feel like I’ll never be enough physically for her. Our relationship is amazing otherwise, but this has started to hurt more than I expected. Should I bring it up again or just learn to live with it?
Comments
WTF?
You’ll soon be the guy watching his wife sleeping with her type.
She tears you down, flirts heavily with her type, then worries other women will steal you away from her.
She’s a master of mind games and manipulation and you’re too blind to see it.
Hah you’re her physical type, otherwise she wouldn’t be having sex with you or be worried about other women finding you attractive.
But she’s emotionally abusive. She’s putting you and your looks down and controlling what you do. She’s got some problem with you regardless of whether you work out or not. She’s way too old to be so immature.
Don’t let this go on. She will ruin your self esteem.
>A year ago, my fiancée and I had a pretty honest conversation where she admitted I’m not really her physical type. She said she worried that if I didn’t get into shape, she might eventually lose attraction to me. That hit me hard. Around that same time (or a little earlier), she had flirted heavily with a guy while drunk, someone who was her type. That moment has never really left my head.
Do not marry this woman. Be upfront with yourself about why you are choosing to stay with someone who is just adding to your insecurities, tell yourself that you deserve better, and marriage is not going to magically make things better.
This woman is not good for you. She is controlling, insecure, and manipulating you to make you feel smaller than you are so she can push you around and so you think you cannot do better than her.
This woman is not the type of person you should marry. Can you imagine having kids with her and her treating them like she is treating you, especially about their body?
Please wake up.
how many more red flags do you need?
Listen this isn’t about types. It’s about tearing you down in every opportunity. Please lose the weight of a cruel partner and find someone that will celebrate your success and love you as you are. She is shallow and cruel
This is not a healthy relationship. She chips away at your self confidence in order to assuage her own feelings of inadequacy.
My ex husband did the very same thing. When I was in the process of leaving him, he had the audacity to say to me, “My father warned me to never marry a beautiful woman.” It was the first and only time he had ever called me beautiful.
If your fiancé won’t seek therapy to deal with her insecurities and low self esteem, you should walk away now.
This is no way to live.
You sound like that episode of the Office where Michael goes on the girls day trip and tries to convince everyone Jan is great.
Run.
This is not a person you want to have as a partner for the rest of your life.
For me, it helps to see it if you imagine your friend coming to you for advice in the exact same situation.
You would most likely tell him that this isn’t it.
‘For sickness and in health’, my guy. Your gf places far too much emphasis on physical looks and not enough on emotion and compatibility. You’re on the wrong side of 40. It gets that much more difficult to maintain your figure as you age. She really should get some therapy as to why she has so many insecurities because now she has made her insecurities yours with her constant comments. I think that counseling would be a good choice here before investing further so you can both be sure y’all are on the same page before progressing anymore.
Telling someone you supposedly love they aren’t your physical type is very misleading. She sounds like she wanted you to look a certain way & she is threatened now that other people are showing interest. This is not a healthy relationship. She is using you. She might think she loves you but the fact you aren’t her physical type shows she really doesn’t. You might connect in other ways & that’s wonderful for a friendship. Not a romantic relationship. You deserve to be with someone who looks at you & finds you attractive inside & out. Not a person who says “I love you but you’re not my physical type.”. That is “conditional love” not the best for marriage.
Obviously looks are important as we should probably be physically attracted to our partners but that’s not what’s going on here.
The thing is…someone who loves you won’t make you feel bad about your body. This wasn’t about physical wellness or health. She absolutely gave you an ultimatum about how your body should look and now she’s still insecure about something and it’s your responsibility to only be attractive to her?
You should probably leave that relationship or suggest therapy because this will wear you down. My ex of 2 or so years was very ambivalent about his physical attraction to me. Previously I had really accepted the lesser flattering qualities about myself but when we broke up I realized that a lot of that work had been undone. We broke up a year ago and I still feel like i’m just not worthy of being thought attractive.
Why do people even get married anymore can you please tell me why
The way I read your post, it sounds like she’s putting you down to make herself feel better. She wants you to think you’re so unattractive that you wouldn’t be able anybody else, and you’re lucky to have her. It’s emotional and psychological manipulation, even if she doesn’t realize it.
You both could use couples counseling to work on the self-esteem and communication issues, both individually and as a couple.
Dude, this would mess with anyone’s head. You’ve put in the work, but her comments are undermining your confidence. A partner shouldn’t make you feel like you’re constantly auditioning for their attraction. The fact that she’s insecure you’ll leave, while rarely affirming you, is hypocritical and unfair. You deserve to feel desired. Bring it up. This isn’t something to just swallow.
Your fiance is sending mixed signals, not being supportive, not being loving, and sounds like a B. It’s great to push your partner to be better, but then complain about the attention they’re getting is toxic and backhanded
I can’t help but laugh, she gives you shit for not being physically attractive and then you actively work out to help her stay attracted to you and she not only feels the need to bring you down and insult you (“that girl is out of your league”) and also states how she is nervous about you getting attention from other people and leaving her.
She sounds pretty unstable. It feels like she’s negging you because now she is insecure you’re out of her league and could probably find someone more attractive AND ACTUALLY NICE. It sucks to hear that a relationship with a kind and solid dude is being internally sabotaged by an insecure and shallow person. Hope yall figure it out but I would be weary of spending the rest of your life with someone who flip flops more than a damn fish out of water.
Bro, you have an incredible relationship with the woman in your head. That person isn’t the real her and you do a disservice to her and yourself by believing that.
The real woman in your life only needs a couple of drinks to start flirting with other men, not because she doesn’t appreciate what you do for her but because you’re not her type. Think about that for a minute. She can’t compliment you but she can tell you you’re getting fat. That doesn’t sound like she has trouble verbalizing her feelings, that means she is selective about what she says.
It’s your life bro. I wouldn’t waste it with shallow Suzy who is not attracted to me. I’d find a woman that was into me, especially now that you’ve done the work on yourself.
You are bending yourself to meet her standards and still don’t feel enough for her. This is not a great foundation to start a marriage, unfortunately, because: you work out of fear of losing her, you are carrying this weight and she doesn’t get or respond, you need to reassure her but don’t get any reassurance in return, you are wondering if you will ever be enough… it is imbalanced. It is so strange to me that you find sex as being amazing when you don’t really feel wanted. Maybe it physically feels amazing, but emotionally it is like you are unseen. This type of connection is for me key to amazing sex, but we are all different, of course. I would not proceed with marriage without deep conversations around this, maybe guided by a pro, and proof of her self-reflection.
When people show you who they are…
Dude do not marry this person. If you love a person, you do not say horrible things like I’m not attracted to you or you’re not my type. What a shallow Individual who is trying to drag you down. You deserve better.
You do not deserve this treatment and if she won’t stop, you are going to need to walk away for the sake of your own mental health and confidence. She is being emotionally abusive to the extreme. Think of how people respond when women talk about their male partners doing this to them–it is very unfavorable to the man, as it should be.
You deserve to be with someone who loves you unconditionally and who expresses attraction to you openly. This woman is not it. Shed the weight of the relationship and be grateful you don’t end up married to her, potentially with children who she’ll also judge for their bodies and make them feel less than.
She’s made it pretty clear her affection is conditional.
I think marrying her knowing this would be a big mistake.
Don’t marry this person.
There’s is no confusion. She likes to tear you down to not leave her at the same time. Manipulative and cruel. Leave her.
This is her manipulating you to feel insecure & afraid so she can feel in control & has power over you.
She openly demeans you & you pander to her in return.
If you are ok with being in a relationship with someone that would do that it’s only out of the insecurity in you that she fed on more because you say she struggles expressing emotions verbally but on the other hand communicates deeply (both verbally & non-verbally).
If that’s true then she is more than capable of expressing her emotions of attraction, desire & love for you but she hasn’t addressed her own insecurity that expressing that would let you know you can do better than her.
Making you feel unattractive & insecure so you feel lucky to have her comes from that.
I’d be incredibly surprised if this is the only area that she does this & that she’s great outside of that.