My fiancee(21F) of three years picked up her stuff two days ago and left. I(26M) got home from work, her stuff was packed, and her mom was coming to bring her home to texas. She left maybe 5 minutes after i got home to go stay at a hotel for the night. That was it, a hug, and goodbye an no conversation was had. I was hysterical and could hardly even talk at the time. I tried to resist talking to her, but i sent her one text telling her i love her that night. I talked to her mom, which i am very close with her entire family, and she said that she doesn’t know what went on but she is very surprised. The next day her and her mom picked up her car from the shop i put it in two days prior, packed up the rest of her stuff, and high tailed it back to texas. I sent her a short poem that morning and two texts telling her that before she leaves town i would really like to sit down and just have a calm conversation about what was going on. No reply. Nothing. She blocked her location from me that day too. I still had her on social media so on Saturday i posted a recent picture of us on my story on snap and she replied to it telling me to “take it down, I’m trying to be nice by not blocking you” to which i replied with”why” then “ok” and i deleted it. I posted later on my snap story “enjoy the little things because you may wake up one day and realize those were the big important moments.” Fine. Ill just give her space and we can both relax then maybe she’ll want to talk. I didn’t mess with her at all. Tonight she blocked me on snapchat and facebook. I didnt do anything after i took that picture down.
I don’t understand what is happening right now. We had a conversation 2 days prior that i initiated about the relationship problems we had been having for a few weeks because i wanted us to work together and get on the same page and address them. We had what i thought was a productive conversation in the regard that we both knew where to start and these were mostly just minor issues that could take a little work.
I did just get some conversation out of her and she told me she felt like we were just roommates living together. I understand that we had become disconnected but i dint know she felt it was that bad. That is something i tried to work on toward the end. I also asked if we could consider this a break of sorts and try and see if a reconciliation was possible and she said she would only ever be ok with being friends.
I also bought us a house that we both loved 2 and a half months ago.
I am so intensely in love with her that when she did this i sobbed like a baby for hours. I wanted to marry her, build a life, own a home together, start a family.
I am truly at a loss for words. I feel betrayed. Broken hearted. Abandoned. Depressed. Confused. And many more things.
Can someone tell me what this looks like from the outside?
Does she just need some time?
Could space help her realize what has happened and feel a little more remorse and want to try again in the future?
Can anyone see something i
I feel like she is acting like a domestic violence victim or like i cheated on her. 2 things i would never ever do.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
This relationship is over. You block HER and move forward.
Its always what they don’t say on these things.
Was she homesick and lonely? Friendships? Both working? What were these arguments? Drink, game too much?
No clue. Shes probably cheating or realized she doesnt love you. You should block her and find your new normal. Focus on your job, she isnt coming back, nor should you take her back, get a cat, cry, hit the gym, and when your ready move onto someone who actually loves you.
It seems you two were in different realities.
You planned life together and she felt disconnected like a roommate.
It seems small issues are not as small as you think.
There’s clearly a lot we don’t know, but she is moving on. Keep your dignity and do the same.
>I don’t understand what is happening right now. We had a conversation 2 days prior that i initiated about the relationship problems we had been having for a few weeks because i wanted us to work together and get on the same page and address them. We had what i thought was a productive conversation in the regard that we both knew where to start and these were mostly just minor issues that could take a little work.
>I did just get some conversation out of her and she told me she felt like we were just roommates living together. I understand that we had become disconnected but i dint know she felt it was that bad. That is something i tried to work on toward the end. I also asked if we could consider this a break of sorts and try and see if a reconciliation was possible and she said she would only ever be ok with being friends.
>I also bought us a house that we both loved 2 and a half months ago.
You did everything right, it seems. Even the things that needed work, you were trying to address those as well.
Her response? Cut you off’ call her mom, pack and leave. I don’t know how to describe her reaction without sounding mean, so I won’t.
I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this.
Take your time; heal and feel better. Yes, you will.
Man, all I’ll say is you deserve better; much, much better. Guess what? There are approximately 4,000,000,000 women still out there. Once you heal and feel you can start a new relationship, the world will be waiting for you.
She’s growing and becoming a different version of herself and the new her may not line up with being in a healthy relationship with you. Are you the same person you were at 18?
She didn’t know how to have the conversation and made a bold move. Maybe she doesn’t believe that the issues can be worked on. Or she can’t be bothered to work on them. Which is a sign she might have just gotten married out of pressure.
I know that it’s fresh and it hurts but after some time and space you won’t feel this way.
Seems like missing-missing reasons to me. I’d get into some talk therapy, this way you can express your emotions and do the relationship recap with someone who has experience asking the right questions. You say your confused, but you do have the information ask to why she left, it’s just fuzzy and because she’s not talking to you. Sometimes we have to be told time and again before our issues sink in.
Can you type out more for us about that conversation you two had about what you said were the relationship issues?
This is such a cruel way to leave someone. Assuming that there was no context of abuse (and I agree, op, that it’s extra crappy that she’s behaving in a way that almost suggests there was), her complete disregard for your feelings is shocking and nasty.
I’m sure she’s telling herself that she doesn’t owe you any of her time or attention or explanation s, because that’s a very popular (mis)interpretation of therapy concepts these days, but the truth is it’s just plain mean and childish to completely cut off a 3-year-long relationship and leave the other person shocked and in the dark about why.
How are either of you supposed to grow from this, if she gets to avoid any of the difficulty, and you are never told what she was unhappy about?
It might help you to write her a letter, a long one, pour all of your thoughts into it, telling her how unfair this is, everything you wish you could say to her.
You don’t even necessarily have to send it. Just giving yourself a venue to say all of the things that she has denied you the opportunity to say might feel good
And if you do decide to send the letter, you are going to need to send it with the understanding that you are unlikely to ever hear anything back. Even if she were to come back and eventually say she wants to talk, while you might choose to hear jer explanations (that you deserved to hear right away), you now know that she is not a person with whom you and your feelings are safe
Sounds like there was more to those conversations that you didn’t pick up on.
Weird way for her to handle it, but if she’s 21 and you’d been together 3 years it’s possible you grew apart.
Be thankful you didn’t marry her and you get to keep your house.
Let your feelings out and sit with yourself a bit. Don’t rush back to her, and don’t rush to fill that void with someone new just yet. You’re 26 with a house, you’re a catch for someone.
What were the relationship problems you two were having?
Your “fiancee of three years” is only just now 21, meaning you thought it was a good idea to propose to a teenager. The problem with trying to lock someone down before they have the maturity to know any better is that eventually they’ll grow up, look around and realize that they were never equipped to make that decision in the first place. What this looks like from the outside is that you imagined she’d stay naive forever and never wonder what else might be out there for her. It sounds like she’s trying to be as civil as possible about this, and of course your extreme emotional response is in no way her fault. The problem here is that she’s doing what you’re supposed to do following a breakup, go no contact with your ex, and you want to keep hounding her about reconciliation. She’s not the one behaving badly here.
Hello. did you put the house in both of your names or just your name?
Buddy, I went through something similar recently. My long-term girlfriend and I broke up this past August (about a year ago). I was distraught, we had been best friends before we started dating and she was the love of my life, or so I thought. It was extremely painful, I tried to win her back, her mom came and got her same as you. I didn’t get much closure, I left her alone for a month and reached out one more time trying to reconcile before she blocked me and never reached out again.
It will be really hard for you to believe me or listen to me, but at the end of the day that was a good thing. At the end of the day, what happened to you is also a good thing.
You do not want to be with someone who doesn’t love you. You do not want to be with someone who is unsure about you. It is miserable and you will spend every day anxious and upset.
It is going to be hard for awhile, but you need to put all your effort into taking care of yourself and building up your own personal life right now. You have two options, crash out and fall, or lock in and rise.
I locked in and rose, and I am at the best spot I have ever been in in my entire life without her. The pain does go away, the difficulty with memories and reminders does fade. Slowly you will get your confidence back and realize you deserved better.
Right now focus on what you can control to better your life. Work hard at your job, hit the gym regularly, invest in hobbies you love or have always wanted to try and enjoy them for yourself. Build a community or lean on the community you already have. Trusting God was a big and important part of my walk, and made a huge difference for me.
What you don’t want to do is give up, sulk, and let yourself believe life doesn’t get better… it gets so much better when you put the effort in for yourself, and when you invest in new people, new community, hobbies, and your physical health.
When I started out, I would try to do just one single thing every day for my physical health, one thing for my mental health, one thing for my emotional health, and one thing for my spiritual health. That had long-term positive effects that I am so thankful for.
I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and a much more secure and confident person nowadays. You can get there too, just don’t quit and don’t waste anymore time on her. Get rid of the reminders that you can, and focus on growing one day at a time.
Many of us have been there and we survived. You will too. It will take a little time but each day will be better. When you find the actual right all will seem like a faded dream.
You say you bought her a house????? Did you?
Or did you buy yourself a house in your own name without her being on the mortgage or deeds?? NOT THE SAME.
You dont mention what the problems were either so how do you think we can say if the relationship is salvagable or not?
You cheated or killed her cat its over, you left the toilet sseat up maybe not. Give us context, take some accountability.
Based on how intense you are just in this post, I would wager a guess that you are a very smothering partner. I mean, she broke up with you and you think it’s a grand idea to post a picture of the two of you on Snapchat? Come on.
She answered your question…. As far as she was concerned you were just roommates…. There’s no mention of sex…. And at 21, she found that having a house and a roommate wasn’t what she wanted and/or your issues you brought up…. She thought they weren’t worth fixing. She checked out and called mom to come bail her out, she was ready to go home. Sounds like she didn’t have a job either.
Too many questions left unanswered here – what were the relationship issues? What might seem minor to you were probably a massive deal to her.
Yous became disconnected but it was only ”that bad” for her?
And it’s something you ”tried to work on towards the end”.
”Minor issues”.
That’s all telling me a lot more than you probably realise. It may seem you’ve downplayed some actual heavy issues that she’s been trying to tell you about for some time and have you buried your head in the sand here and acted too little too late?
Maybe look up the terminology Walk Away Wife Syndrome. I fear she’s been at the end of her tether for some time OP.
I think you got engaged too young and she got pre-wedding jitters that shook her completely.
Had a friend around your age that made an elaborate effort to propose to his long term 21 year old girlfriend on a Caribbean beach at sunset. She flat out said no and that she was too young. He was devastated.
You were 23 and began dating an 18 year old.
Bro you are young. Your life is just starting as an adult. People will out grow relationships in their 29s till they know what they want in their 30s.
Good luck
Let her go if she’s not fighting for the relationship. I know that it will hurt like hell but take time to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to survive the day but do not make her tell you that she does not want you more than twice.
Hi—I am so sorry. Unfortunately, she seems to have made up her mind and I doubt she is going to change it any time soon—or ever. She made a clean break there and went so far as to have her mother come pick her up and help her and then went back to Texas. The biggest clue I took from this is her saying that the two of you are more like roommates. If that is how she feels, she wasn’t fulfilled in the relationship. Something was missing for her in a big way. Im sorry but that is how I see this scenario. I am a 66 y.o. woman. Give yourself plenty of time and be kind and patient with yourself. Each day will get a little better for you. You are v ery young and have your whole life ahead of you. If you want to talk, you can shoot me a message here. It just wasn’t meant to be. Do whatever you have to to get yourself through the day: write in a journal, cry, watch good movies, read, eat, drink if you want to, take naps. Take care and trust me when I say that you will find another gal to love who will love you.
People change and grow SO much during this period of time (17,18 to early 20s). Most likely this has nothing to do with you but that she changed. She is in a different part of her life (exploration) while you are in settle-down stage. If you love her, accept that she needs this. You will look back and realize it’s a blessing she made a clean break.
So, you got with a barely legal teenager and proposed and moved her away from home and your relationship issues included you “demanding respect when she talks to you” and she felt the need to call her mom to pick her up and block you everywhere ? Yeah, a lot of missing info here because seems like everything wasn’t as rosy as you are implying …
You said you bought her a house, was she allowed to work ? Have friends ? Go to college ?
Have you ever cheated on her or had an emotional affair with anybody or texted something incriminating in your entire relationship? Sent nudes to anybody? OnlyFans or something else that would be a dealbreaker for her?
Be honest with yourself when you answer those questions.
It might be she discovered whatever it was and she had gone no contact on you, like many Redditors would recommend to her.
If you want to disclose to us that you have in fact screwed up like that somehow, please do, because we’re curious.
But that is of course your choice.
I mean, this is the risk you take when you date a freshly 18 year old. They are going to grow and change drastically over the next 7 years of their lives. Although I highly doubt you got engaged immediately, so were you dating her when she was underage, or did you just move way too fast for an 18 year old to comprehend what was actually happening?
Just take the time to heal. You may never get the answers you want. But she has clearly made her decision, so you need to let her go.
My now ex said the same thing – it’s when you won’t pay their way like a prostitute and they think they can find a guy who will.
Let her leave
My now ex did that Funny enough left to Texas as well from Florida to cheat on me for two days and come back – but I caught her. Her excuse was she felt like we were room mates.
Well I evicted her and made her stay in Texas
It’s been two months and the guy she cheated on me with kicked her out – she’s now couch surfing out there.
Karma
Question, when you call her your fiancée of 3 years did she become your fiancée at 18 when you were 23 and if so when did you start dating.
Usually, when this happens, it’s because there have been issues that have long gone unaddressed that she’s probably been bringing up for quite some time, and those issues were either minimized, dismissed, or ignored.
Don’t date 18-21 year olds when you’re nowhere near 18-21.
She was and is a child. She is not ready to be anyone’s partner.
You proposed to an 18yo, someone hadn’t even started figuring out who they are as an adult and what they what in a real adult relationship. Of the many reasons teenagers shouldn’t get engaged or married, this is one of them. Even at the ages you are right now, 21 and 26 are very different live stages (at least they should be).
None of us can give you answers.
You might never get them either.
She is young, this was predictable. People change and grow in their 20s, lucky are the ones who are NOT tied down early and irresponsibly. They get to explore who they are and grow into who they are meant to be. They get to find a life mate who fits them better as they know who they are better.
I know this hurts, but your pain wont change reality. The reality is you loved hard and she’s her own person who decided she didn’t want that.